Black and Blue

[strawbellini]

Literally black and blue both heart and body... .

Long term relationship (10+ yrs). Not to be quoting nursery rhymes but true that "when it is good, it is very very good and when it is bad it is horrid"... .

I am mid 30s female dealing w/ something I never anticipated. Being hurt emotionally and physically in the process. NEVER been on a discussion board but at this point willing to try anything.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[strawbellini]

Seems he and I once were struggling with this together but I am now the life preserver. Feeling final boundary point after his diagnosis, therapy, medication, refusal to take medication, anger, violence, irrationality, financial incompetency, reckless behavior etc etc... .Am about to have a nervous breakdown myself for all the time, love, fun, devotion (great vacations, beautiful sunrises, fun theme park rides) but know it is not ever going to change. The one thing every doctor/psychiatrist/psychologist will ever tell you is this has a lot to do w/ abandonment. I do believe that is right and cannot be corrected. Mine loves me more than his heart can expand. He can also hurt me in mind puzzles and physical confinement. This is my day and every day.

Waking up and wondering what mood it will be so I can adjust mine. Think I am done. 11 years is a long time if someone does not want to get help... .

[4kidz]

]Waking up and wondering what mood it will be so I can adjust mine.

Boy how I can relate! 15 years on my end.( Love her to death. going through brutal times right now). Not knowing who was walking through the front door no less who was waking up next to you is so exhausting. Tough to put the actual stresses this causes into words... I just try to keep on focusing on the fact that this is something ( BPD ) that she didn't ask her, no less deserve. Without those compassionate feelings coming to the forefront of my mind I would have probably left long ago... Not sure if this help strawbellini, but I wanted to share... .Good luck. Be strong!

[Mike-X]

I am very sorry to hear about all of the difficulty in the relationship. It is good that you are here seeking help.

Have you had a chance to read any of the lessons?

[Mike-X]

The one thing every doctor/psychiatrist/psychologist will ever tell you is this has a lot to do w/ abandonment. I do believe that is right and cannot be corrected.

A core symptom is a fear of abandonment. However, therapy can help.  The person living with BPD has to want help and has to be willing to do the hard work to get better. Also, you want to find a therapist who specializes in BPD.

[takingandsending]

Hi strawbellini.

I am so sorry for your sufferings, and I am concerned for you, especially as it sounds like you are facing physical abuse or confinement. Do you have a safety plan in place for when things escalate? If not, please consider clicking on the red cross to the right of this page and reading the information contained there. I do not want to see you or your loved one come to any harm.

As Mike-X notes, the lessons on the right of this page can help understand the nature of BPD in our partners and also how we can make positive changes within our own lives to step out of the Fear/Obligation/Guilt (FOG) that accompanies these types of relationships. You deserve to be safe and not constantly walking on eggshells, and it is possible. But you are going to have to learn how and where you can help your partner, and where your boundaries are. Please take a look at the Safety First information and let us know if there is a specific way that we can help you. 

[Turkish]

Hello strawbellini,

I'm glad that you've reached for support here!

It's extremely painful when we are hurt by someone we love, and in the midst of it, the hard thing is to reconcile the good times with the bad. Christine Ann Lawson, PhD, author of Understanding The Borderline Mother, put it succinctly, ":)egradation by someone who claims to love you is qualitatively different than degradation by a stranger."

Emotional and verbal abuse is confusing and hurtful, but I'm concerned for your safety. Do you have family or friends you can reach out to? What's going on now, are you safe? As strawbellini said, having a plan in place is a wise idea. Too often, we become isolated with partners with BPD, and it can be helpful to have a centering voice in our lives. I hid so much in my relationship, and my friends were shocked by a few stories I told, even my diagnosed BPD mother was shocked. I found it hard to reconcile, "but when she's good, she's so loving." Sometimes, she'd switch like a light within minutes of being behind closed doors... .

We have a discussion here which maybe you can look at to read some experiences from women who have been where you are:

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women

Please let us know how you are doing,  strawbellini, we're here to support you. 

Take Care,

Turkish