New to BPD Family

[Luvtaytot]

As suggested when I registered, I am jumping right in.  I have a 20 year old daughter who was diagnosed with BPD last year.  I don't know where to start. She had always exhibited symptoms from an early age but we never knew what was wrong.  We have tried therapist after therapist. She has been hospitalized, cut as a teen, out of control behavior, and we just can't find a therapist who can help her. I found your site today. I don't know how to help her. We have a history of serious mental health issues in our family like cancer runs in some families.  No family is perfect but We do not have significant dysfunction in our home except for her. She is at the point where all she talks about is dying. She has no significant relationships. She has always struggled here and was bullied all through high school and always has some sort of drama going on.  She was raped at 16 at a party.  She is emotionally out of control. I can't help her and my husband can't either  and she is seriously effecting the entire house and has for years. I can't take anymore.  She has since about 14 years old held the household emotionally hostage.  She was asked to move out at 18 and moved back in last summer. She has made some improvements like school and her work ethic has always been strong. Are there support groups I can go to in the Chicago area? I wish someone had helped us years ago like they should have but I found this now so I am hoping for some support or help, please. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Dear Luvtaytot

You describe what a lot of us feel at one point or another. I found this site about 2 and half years ago and it really has helped me through some tough times with my dd17. Your struggle sounds a lot like mine. Have you had a chance to read some of the articles to the right in the side bar? It think setting boundaries is pretty important also learning a new way to interact with your dd could be helpful and reduce the conflict. The article on SET and Validation are key when dealing with someone with BPD.

I was wondering if you could tell us a bit more about your dd and the struggles you are having? It is good to post questions and difficulties you are having. This is a great place for support and you will get some good advise.

Have you thought about reaching out to your local NAMI group? or I have heard that Al-anon is also a good place to find support. I don't know if your dd has a drug of alcohol issue but I am told Al-anon is really good for support regardless. Have you found a therapist for yourself? Have you looked for a T that does DBT?

Can I recommend a book by Valerie Porr called overcoming BPD... .really is a good book to read. Keep posting and I am glad you found this site. Hang in there... .

[tristesse]

Hello Luvtayto and welcome to bpdfamily.

I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone, and all of us here know your pain and anguish.

I also have an adult daughter with BPD, who as a teen was a cutter. We also had 3 attempted suicides. I know how brutal and hectic life can be when living with a BPD child. They do hold us hostage as long as we let them.

I want to assure that there is help, and this is the place to find it. if you look to the right side of this board there are tools and lessons. Work your way through them, they are quite helpful. I Also found in my early stages of posting on this board, that sharing my experiences and having others feedback was helpful.

I am so glad you found this site, the members here are great. Keep posting

[lbjnltx]

Hi Luvtaytot 

Glad to have you here!

Feeling like a hostage, a victim, helpless... .all feelings that cause frustration, depression, anger, resentment, fear, anxiety, illness, etc... .

Lived it!

Stopped it!

How?

BOUNDARIES - Living our Values


lbj

[Eggdad]

Hi Luvtaytot,

First off I want to second jellibeans in recommending Valerie Porr's book "Overcoming BPD". Reading it gave me the understanding and tools to effectively help my dd.

Does your dd accept her BPD dx?

Reading your post I could swear you were writing about my 22 yo dd. She was dxed with BPD 2 years ago. Before the dx she saw many therapists and none helped her. After the dx we started looking specifically for therapists specialized in DBT and it made a world of difference. In two years she went from having daily emotional meltdowns and constantly thinking about suicide to less than one breakdown per month, much shorter and less intense.

What worked for us is exactly what you are looking for in your post:

-  Learning validation (V. Porr's book and the tools on the right of this page)

-  Finding a DBT therapist for dd

-  Finding a local support group for my wife and me

My dd is starting with her 5th therapist in 2 years, with lengthy breaks between therapists, but assures me that despite their flaws they have all helped her in some way. Group DBT didn't work for her though, only individual DBT.

[jaynebrain]

Hello there and welcome to this site!  I have found it very helpful - a very safe place to be validated and to release some of the complicated emotions that we feel as parents of BPD children/young adults.  I am so sorry for your pain.  I also have a DD 21 daughter who has caused much pain and chaos in our home.  I can't help myself in learning more and more to try to come from a place of great compassion.  They must feel awful.  We have had tremendous success with DBT, which involves the patient and also a group.  The therapist we found also had a group for parents, although that was not tremendously helpful for us.  Learning the techniques on this site has been so helpful and also placing boundaries. 

Also, a NAMI Family to Family class - a room full of parents all struggling with loved ones with a mental illness has been a humbling and supportive place to be.  Learning to identify each problem and brain storming has been a gift indeed! If your daughter is willing, a NAMI peer to peer class would be a good place.

Good Luck!  Be gentle with yourself,