claireys21
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1
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« on: March 19, 2015, 08:44:25 AM » |
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I am currently giving my gf space because she says she needs to sort herself out and get back on track. We have been together on and off now for a year and a half and I'm only realising that exhibits a lot of the behavioural patterns of some with BPD.
Our current problems have started in the usual way... .she becomes distant, rearranges plans we have, basically avoids seeing me. The added complication is we are in a closeted relationship so that adds its own pressures. I could sense something was wrong, she told me her head was all over the place, but not about our relationship... .then it emerged that it was and she had become infatuated with one of her bosses at work - she said she couldn't describe how she felt for her but it was more than a crush... .But she says she has never said anything more than hello to her and she even used to joke with me about how the boss fancies her... .but from what I can gather its all totally one sided on my gf's side. So the other night she texts me to say i'll be glad to know that this boss is leaving the next day... .again I thought nothing of it, said it didn't matter to me... .then the next morning she says she wants a few weeks to clear her head... .puts 3 broken hearts up on twitter and I'm wondering what on earth is going on... .She then told me she was confused about her feelings for this woman and her leaving - I was totally shocked because I didn't even think she particularly liked this person - she said she was quite scary, though looking back she always seemed pleased if she paid her any attention at all - like saying hello.
Obviously I was hurt and angry by this and we had a row, she said things like she doesn't know what anything means, what her feelings mean, all sorts of confusing things for me - I told her she was messed up (which i definitely now regret) and she hit back by saying she had CBT and therapy before we met because she ended up lashing out and slicing her face... .her friend got her help when she did this. But this was news to me, I knew she had a difficult enough upbringing and put some of her quirks down to this - her father died when she was 11, her mum has been married 3 times, the 2nd husband beat her up, her brother is gay and she is estranged from one of her other brothers.
So now I am re-assessing our whole relationship and can't believe I didn't pick up on some of the things she did.
Background - we met online, chatted for a while and met up. We instantly hit it off, though being my first relationship with a woman I was cautious from the get go... .she was much more keen and the few times I panicked and tried to end things before they really began she talked me round. We had a pretty good first 6 months and got on so well. Our first main problem came out of the blue, she was going to a wedding and suddenly decided she liked the idea of that sort of life and asked to take a break, over text- I was gutted because I didn't see it coming. But we got back together, though it wasn't quite the same - all of this happened a month before I was due to move closer to her, to help the relationship. So when I moved, I was literally 3 mins away from he house (she has a lodger and due to the nature of our relationship we couldnt spend time at hers) but again she started acting distant... .saying she was busy - she had made a few new mates at work and wanted to run about with them, so didn't make time for me. We split again for a few weeks, but again got back together... .
A real pattern of hers is trying to please people, even just work colleagues, she will go out of her way to help them, while ignoring those closest to her... .she also seems to have a 'new best friend' every week but then she loses interest. Our biggest break up happened around last november time - she started personal training sessions and became obsessed with her trainer, she thought she might have been into women but wasn't. So it was pretty one-sided the PT was doing her job, while my gf thought she was a really good friend... .the PT was talking about buying a new car and my gf brought her to look at them, then ended up buying one herself, probably to impress her... .so while all this was happening I was moved to the sidelines again, between work and the PT sessions she said she was too busy to see me, even though we lived so close. I had enough at that point and we split.
About a month later she found out she was going to be moved to a new job, she works in a call centre and the campaign she was on was pulled. We had kept in touch, but I thought it was telling that when she needed a bit of support, I was the first person she turned to. During our split I decided to put myself out there and was in contact with a few new people, though hadn't actually gone on a date. I was honest with her and told her that I was trying to move on, because all she had ever done was push me away. But she started trying to win me back and in the end we did get back together shortly after Christmas. At this point she had stopped the PT sessions because her trainer was doing exams.
So we got back together and it was better than ever, she was making plenty of time for me and we seemed happy... .though during our break-up I decided to end my leases, I wasn't enjoying living on my own and wanted to move back closer to home. So at the start of Feb I moved out - I new this would make things harder but with a bit of effort on both sides it was workable, i still live only 30 mins from her and my work is beside her house, so that shouldn't have been an issue. The first few weeks were fine, we went on dates, had valentines together though she had started to become a bit distant again... .this continued and one week she cancelled our plans because she was sick, I offered to take her something round on my lunch break but she didnt want to see me... .but by the weekend she was well enough to go out with her new work mates. So I didn't see her for about a week and a half, even though I work so close to her house. It continued on and she made less time for me, having drinks with her new work mates was more of a priority than seeing me.
She became really good friends with a gay guy and he seemed to have a positive influence on her, but he left and she has since moved onto another girl - who she now considers a really good friend she can confide in... .she has known her a month.
So that brings me to where I am now - giving her space while she sorts out the feelings she had for this boss who has left the company.
I think she has some sort of obsessive personality... .she has a friend - who she says is her best friend, but she hardly bothers with her, apart from to use her as some sort of trophy at times - she works for a TV company and my gf likes to show her off. She said the first night they met this girl kissed her and while nothing happened they became best friends and did everything together - she was the one who got her help when she got so frustrated she sliced her face... .I'm now beginning to think maybe she was infatuated by her and when this girl wasn't interested in her she lost it. This friend is now engaged and her and her bf had troubles a while back and my gf actually seemed pleased about it.
Also, the Personal Trainer works in a bar, so my gf makes a point of dragging all her work mates to this bar any time they go out - I think again to show off.
I suppose I'm at a bit of a loss - I love her to bits but I'm wondering if she is just a fraud and using me until the next obsession comes along. Its very hard to try and be supportive of someone who just discards you - she says she knows its wrong but can't help it - and that she's not normal, she pushes people away and doesnt like hurting them so plays along with things at times... .After reading some of the posts on her I can now see that maybe she can;t help it... .I mean I have invested a lot of time, energy and money to try and make this work and I don't like to just walk away.
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