tired and can't sleep

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I made a small move to freedom, a step.  I have my own room now.  I moved out of our bedroom.  No more getting woken up in the middle of the night being yelled at, because I snored to loud, I moved the wrong way, the kids made a noise.  I am done having to face one direction everything I sleep because I can't sleep facing towards him, because then he can't sleep.

But now I can't seem to sleep.  thinking about what is going to happen next.

The other day I stayed after work and just chilled and have a pop in the breakroom for about 15 min before I left to pick up our daughter from daycare.  I wasn't late picking her up, I was actually early.  When I got home with her, he started accusing me of being up to something with someone from work, because I wouldn't sit in the breakroom by myself. That's what I get for telling him the truth.  He is pretty much accusing me of cheating on him (he does this a lot).  Then he tells me how WE decided that WE weren't going to pick up our daughter at 6pm.  Which means that he decided that 6pm is unacceptable, but 5:30 & 5:45pm is okay, by 6pm is completely unacceptable!  He is not able to pick her, and frankly I wouldn't be okay with him picking her up.  But anyway, after all this he said he was going to be up to something too, and he's going to be in my face with it!  So is that him telling me he is going to start fooling around, has he been already?  I have never cheated on him, never considered it, do not have the time or the desire.  I am married, until I am not I am unavailable.  But he always accuses me of cheating.  Why?  Has he been cheating this whole time and I am to stupid to see it.  I had times (about 4 years ago)when I had an uneasy feeling that I got when he'd go out drinking with friends (1 male friend & 2 female friends).  I didn't go because I was always home with the kids, It was to hard to find a sitter. I don't really drink either. He come home trashed, not remember things the next day, sometimes not come home till 5am.

I don't know if he actually cheats or just likes to threaten it.  He's told me he can replace me in a second, and who would want a woman (me) with kids from more than one father. I have 3 kids of my own, but he has 3 kids of his own too! We have one child together.  I honestly don't care if someone else wants me, I would love to be by myself.  just me and my  4 kids in my house (that he has no legal right to because it was inherited), sounds awesome to me.

[Smileypants]

I made a small move to freedom, a step.  I have my own room now.  I moved out of our bedroom.  No more getting woken up in the middle of the night being yelled at, because I snored to loud, I moved the wrong way, the kids made a noise.  I am done having to face one direction everything I sleep because I can't sleep facing towards him, because then he can't sleep.

But now I can't seem to sleep.  thinking about what is going to happen next.

The other day I stayed after work and just chilled and have a pop in the breakroom for about 15 min before I left to pick up our daughter from daycare.  I wasn't late picking her up, I was actually early.  When I got home with her, he started accusing me of being up to something with someone from work, because I wouldn't sit in the breakroom by myself. That's what I get for telling him the truth.  He is pretty much accusing me of cheating on him (he does this a lot).  Then he tells me how WE decided that WE weren't going to pick up our daughter at 6pm.  Which means that he decided that 6pm is unacceptable, but 5:30 & 5:45pm is okay, by 6pm is completely unacceptable!  He is not able to pick her, and frankly I wouldn't be okay with him picking her up.  But anyway, after all this he said he was going to be up to something too, and he's going to be in my face with it!  So is that him telling me he is going to start fooling around, has he been already?  I have never cheated on him, never considered it, do not have the time or the desire.  I am married, until I am not I am unavailable.  But he always accuses me of cheating.  Why?  Has he been cheating this whole time and I am to stupid to see it.  I had times (about 4 years ago)when I had an uneasy feeling that I got when he'd go out drinking with friends (1 male friend & 2 female friends).  I didn't go because I was always home with the kids, It was to hard to find a sitter. I don't really drink either. He come home trashed, not remember things the next day, sometimes not come home till 5am.

I don't know if he actually cheats or just likes to threaten it.  He's told me he can replace me in a second, and who would want a woman (me) with kids from more than one father. I have 3 kids of my own, but he has 3 kids of his own too! We have one child together.  I honestly don't care if someone else wants me, I would love to be by myself.  just me and my  4 kids in my house (that he has no legal right to because it was inherited), sounds awesome to me.

[downwhim]

First of all, your "stage name" is hysterical. So sorry for what you are going through. He sounds like a nightmare to sleep with. Great you moved to a new room but I am sure he will give you h@@l for that too eventually. I know what it is like being screamed at in the middle of the night. It is frightening for one and for two I could never go back to sleep. It is cruel.

At least being alone and in the quiet of the night you can think clearly. Make a plan if you are miserable. I know, easier said than done.

What I found with my ex is he usually said something before he actually did it. Sometimes he would say it under his breath and probably not realize he verbalized it.

Anyway he will seek help? Are you? How are the children holding up? How long have you been married?

[Smileypants]

Sooner or later he will get mad at me for being a bad wife and not fulfilling my "wifely duties" then he'll act all bummed out, then act like nothing every happened and be sweet and lovey. I used to fall for it all the time, but it's happened so many times, getting steadily worse each episode.

2 of my kids are having behavior problems at school and some at home as well (which sets off my husband, which in turn sets off the kids, and so on).  My oldest child is having issues with depression.  Thankfully my child feel safe to talk with me about how they feel.  And I am working with them and their Dr about helping them with coping skills & probably therapy.

My husband doesn't believe that anything is wrong with him.  He is a bipolar, high functioning Bpd, with no self harm issues. We have been together since 2006, but married since 2012.  I just found out about his diagnosis about a year ago (he was diagnosed as a teenager), his older sister told me. He doesn't know that I know. Things started to get worse when I got pregnant with our daughter (he'd tell me I was a horrible mother and if I ever did a, b, or c - whatever ticked him off with my kids- with his kid he'd take her away from me) , then it got worse when we got married (even though he swore up and down that once we were married he'd stop being so suspicious & jealous), then when my dad passed away (He was great for about 2 days, then he turned it all about him - his dad died 10+ years earlier, before I knew him) then I got even worse when 2 of his kids (teenagers) moved in with us.  He didn't have any contact with them for 3 years prior.  When they came he wanted to impress them, show them how good life was here, favoring his kids Over the rest.  Me and my kids got all of his frustration.  Now All his showing off also also put our finances in trouble, Now so it's a constant balancing act to keep the bills paid up enough to prevent shut off. Now he's letting his issues show to his kids too, it used to he would give my kids a harder time, while letting his kids get away with anything. Sorry for the insanely long run on sentances