Were you happy and content in the relationship?

[jhkbuzz]

I was reading another thread in which the poster asked if anyone thought their expwBPD was ever happy in their relationship, and one of my heroes on these boards (happynihilist) turned the question around and asked,

How about you?  Were YOU happy and content in the relationship?

So how about it?  Were you?

[Hope0807]

Great post.

Not at all... .and allowing that reality to sink in has been extraordinarily healing.  I threatened to leave so often over the years.  He reeled me back in every time.  (The years and life opportunities I have lost as a result is one thing I'm still not sure of how to recover from or if I ever will.)  It got so twisted in the fallout that I actually found myself begging for his forgiveness at one point, WOW!  On top of the rages and complete disregard for grown-up responsibilities, there was SO LITTLE from my ex that "happy" and "content" were completely unsustainable.

[Figuring it out]

Almost. I have been the most in love, had the most amazing sex, had a lot of fun, dining experiences, art, events, etc. The only thing really hanging over the entire thing was the possibility of cheating. When I was with her, that disappeared. When I wasn't, I felt a slight anxiety that tended to increase if she didn't text me back after a few hours or when I knew she was getting off of work. I really hated feeling it.

But I was lucky. I was only in my relationship for 3 months and it was pretty amazing expect for the fact that she cheated on me. I'm NC now for like 2 weeks, but she still texts me/emails me everyday. However, I think it's a way for her to cope and in the email she wrote yesterday: "I realize all of these communications might be unwelcome, and if that ever is the case mark me as spam or just say so." But I kind of like hearing from her... .

[Gonzalo]

I was happy in the early days, when there was just infrequent craziness. When she moved in with a gigantic argument, the happy level began to lower. After just a few months of living together, I accepted one of her breakups, then talked about it. After that the bad times dominated, and I was locked into a defensive mode where I kept convincing myself that it was all just because of the stress of house buying and selling, and moving. Things that should have been fun like throwing a big party at our house were marred by her yelling at me for the week before over nonsense like turning off unused speakers and then after because I did the same kind of stuff at the party that she did. As the relationship progressed, I got into a weird mode where I felt like I had to make things work even though it was tearing me apart. By the end, we were in argument mode more often than talking mode, and I was just working myself up to actually end it.

[BorisAcusio]

It gradually turned into a nightmare. Earily on, it was only the push/pull behaviour, swinging back and forth like pendulum. I tried to make sense of it and adjust accordingly, then unacceptable behaviour started to rear its ugly head, with sending naked pictures to former platonic partner, applying for porn casting interview, poking fun of my  recently passed away grandmother and upping the ante with infidelity while grieving her, finally ended with a devastating devaluation. At that point, taking care of her was like a full time job, where the manager is never happy with your performance.

Hence all of the unnecaptlable crap, until the indifedlity happened it was most ego-boosting, fulfilling part of my life.

[FlSunshineGirl]

I was the one with the original question. :-)

I'll just answer on this one instead of both.

I was also happy in the beginning. No one had ever made me feel the emotions that my exBPD brought out of me. But slowly it became more and more unbearable and it became less about my happiness and more about my staying to "help" him and be true to the promise not to leave him.

At the end I was completely miserable. Having stomach issues, insomnia, just totally stressed out!

I actually had a thought that if I didn't leave soon the stress would end up causing me a physical condition that would be permanent.

[Hope0807]

DITTO…completely for me! 

I was the one with the original question. :-)

I'll just answer on this one instead of both.

I was also happy in the beginning. No one had ever made me feel the emotions that my exBPD brought out of me. But slowly it became more and more unbearable and it became less about my happiness and more about my staying to "help" him and be true to the promise not to leave him.

At the end I was completely miserable. Having stomach issues, insomnia, just totally stressed out!

I actually had a thought that if I didn't leave soon the stress would end up causing me a physical condition that would be permanent.

[sun seeker]

   Hello everyone.

   Simply... .yes I was happy and content for a short while in the beginning.

   I am happy and content right now. And im single go figure. 

[ShadowIntheNight]

Yes. For the first 6.5 years things were quite wonderful. We had some minor push/pull issues, but we worked thru them and managed to become a loving couple, or so I thought. I am pretty sure her mother is her trigger and also my ex had taken a new job as counselor. The job guaranteed her stability as a therapist as she didn't have to work for hospitals or be in private practice. Because of the way they rushed her hiring, she came to believe that she was something special. Literally I noticed a change in her behavior. Subtle at first then markedly so.

She seemed to become more narcisstic and a younger woman in her 20s developed a "crush" on my uBPDexgf and it clearly made her giddy with excitement that so many people were stroking her ego. Later that yr, at one of her children's birthday party her mother noticed my ex and the girl carrying on and acting flirty with one another. The mother called her on it and criticized her for it. I know because the ex was upset about it and talked to me about it. Amazing that she would want to tell me about the flirting of this other woman, maybe to make me jealous.

A few weeks later she was ending our relationship and saying she was going to start dating men. We were apart for about 3 months time then tho always in constant contact. After we got back together then I didn't feel the same way toward her. My guards were up and my ego hurt that she could replace me seemingly so easily when she told me daily (and showed me, I might add) that she loved me and wanted a life together. After a visit with her mother who questioned her about our relationship, the same pattern emerged, except more pronounced. And she found someone before she told me she was leaving. I am still gutted by the entire experience. And I'm pretty sure any happiness I have again will just be hollow.

[StarOfTheSea]

I was the one with the original question. :-)

I'll just answer on this one instead of both.

I was also happy in the beginning. No one had ever made me feel the emotions that my exBPD brought out of me. But slowly it became more and more unbearable and it became less about my happiness and more about my staying to "help" him and be true to the promise not to leave him.

At the end I was completely miserable. Having stomach issues, insomnia, just totally stressed out!

I actually had a thought that if I didn't leave soon the stress would end up causing me a physical condition that would be permanent.

Same here, I was very happy and content in the beginning but the last two months were pretty uncomfortable. The last month was really bad. He was detaching and stressed and I absorbed a lot of the negative energy he was putting out. I had GI issues, frequent migraines and my anxiety level was sky-high.

I feel physically better now that I'm gone but I'm still healing mentally.

[DyingLove]

A very good question.

I was happy in my relationship. I thought I was happy in my relationship? All relationships have their ups and downs, I guess there are some that could be very very stable and if the two people involved are mature honest and loving, will things can go really great. I've never really experienced the going great relationship. I've always had to work hard in my relationships. Well this relationship was a little bit different for me because it started on Facebook. It began as a friendship and after about six months became a relationship and after 10 months I finally met her face to face in person. I was in New York she was in Florida. By time I met her, I already loved her from the inside out, holding her and seeing her was definitely icing on the cake though I can't deny that. Since I've never been to Florida, the change of environment was one of the big parts of the new relationship, obviously she was the other part. She had a lot of baggage, but I was energetic focused and goal oriented, almost nothing could stop me! Four years later, she told me I'm not the man she met. I agree with her and told her that I agreed with her. She sucked everything out of me, my dreams, my goals, my money, my health and any other thing you can toss in their she had her hands in it. I intended to start my online business when I got to Florida, what I found myself so involved and wrapped up in keeping the relationship healthy that it never really happened. It kept getting put off and put off and put off. Then she questioned me made me feel guilty and put me down because of it.

Currently I'm a month into our breakup actually it was February 7, 2015. She went from love to hate in the blink of an eye. I'm still under the same roof which makes it hell on earth. I still have a couple of weeks ago and I'm fighting to keep my sanity and it's not easy. She does everything in her power to control me with her negativity and also that she painted me black.

So yes there was a little bit of happiness in this relationship. At this point there's plenty of sadness because as much as I can't wait to get outta here and begin the next chapter of my life, there was my relationship with her which is now dissolving to nothing after four years. Add to the mix that there's a nine-year-old little girl here but I've, loved and raised as a makeshift kind of a father in place of her deadbeat dad. So happiness turns to crap.

[JRT]

I was perfectly happy and told her so on a regular basis... .we never argued... .she never raged... .she never cheated or lied to speak of... .she had just moved in and we began to plan our wedding... .In hindsight, realizing that she is a hermit/waif, she kept all of that rage and anger inside and that things were NOT ok at least with her. It would have been much easier to deal with if there was some of the classic BPD raging going on... .but there wasn't.

[Confused76]

When I look back on my relationship with my uexBPDGF, I have to answer this question with: only ever so briefly. 

We talked nearly everyday for 3 months before we met. I always wanted to meet sooner, but their always seemed to be an excuse.  When we finally did, it was wonderful.  The person that I had fell for over text and phone was real now, I thought she was everything I had been looking for.  However, after that first encounter, we fell into the same routine.  We would go weeks, sometimes months without seeing each other.  She always had a reason to say no (later I would find out she was dating another man), and I was always doing my best to appease her.  Then the breakup/recycle routine started.  Finally I realized I was always trying to make her happy.  I asked myself "What was I doing to make myself happy?"  That's when I finally went NC, and began the healing process.

[Lucky Jim]

No!  It was like something out of a Stephen King novel.  Yet I took my marriage vows seriously and thought I owed it to our kids to stay, as a stabilizing influence, but eventually realized, after nearly destroying myself in the process, that I could not survive a BPD r/s.  LuckyJim

[HappyNihilist]

There's no blushing emoticon, or else I'd be using it... .thank you for your kind words, jhkbuzz. That means a lot to me.

I'm very glad you started a topic with this question - I've really enjoyed reading everyone's responses. It's important to look at ourselves - and to ask if our needs were being met.

And now I'll answer my own question, for myself. Was I happy and content in my relationship with my exBPDbf?

The truth is that yes, I was, overall.

Given the nature of the relationship, it says quite a lot about me that that is, in fact, my truth. So I feel that it's important to probe more deeply into why that is.

My exBPDbf and I had some beautiful times together, and I genuinely did enjoy a lot of our relationship. (The 9 months when he was stone-cold sober were especially good - he didn't rage or become paranoid hardly at all.) When he wasn't in a rage mood, we got along quite famously. We could always make each other laugh. We talked and shared a lot, and learned a lot from each other. It was really good when it was good. I truly was incredibly happy to have him in my life.

This, to me, seems fairly reasonable. Yes, I should have paid attention to the rages and other red flags, but lessons learned and all - that's an easier issue to tackle. The sticky issue for me is what comes later.

The closer we got, the less he could control his disorder. And the more he dysregulated, the more confused I got. For the last few months, there weren't so many good times. I never knew where I stood with him... .I was utterly bewildered, worried, and desperate. He still made me happy - but I was no longer sure of his continued presence - and so I couldn't rely on that happiness.

Here's what gets me - he still made me happy. Because he did! It's absolutely true. I was still blissfully happy and content to have him in my life, even when things were at their worst, even when I was wretchedly miserable in the moment.

This is something that I've been working through for quite a while now. We've been broken up for almost a year, and I started poking around this particular issue quite soon after the breakup. In recent months I've been digging into it more deeply. There are lots of layers here, and more to be unearthed, I'm sure. But here's one thing I've uncovered.

From the very beginning - even before we started our r/s, and all throughout it - my exbf evoked in me a complex feeling. I struggle with exactly how to put it into words, but it was a feeling of being safe and happy, and at the same time keyed-up and on edge. This was a strangely intoxicating, addictive feeling for me. No one else has ever made me feel anything close. At least not in my adult life - chances are I felt that way as an infant/child in bonding with my mother. She's far more Cluster C than Cluster B, but it still helps explain why I would find such an anxious attachment familiar and comforting.

[DyingLove]

When I look back on my relationship with my uexBPDGF, I have to answer this question with: only ever so briefly. 

We talked nearly everyday for 3 months before we met. I always wanted to meet sooner, but their always seemed to be an excuse.  When we finally did, it was wonderful.  The person that I had fell for over text and phone was real now, I thought she was everything I had been looking for.  However, after that first encounter, we fell into the same routine.  We would go weeks, sometimes months without seeing each other.  She always had a reason to say no (later I would find out she was dating another man), and I was always doing my best to appease her.  Then the breakup/recycle routine started.  Finally I realized I was always trying to make her happy.  I asked myself "What was I doing to make myself happy?"  That's when I finally went NC, and began the healing process.

ALMOST EXACTLY WHAT HAPPEN TO ME! (except for the other guy stuff)

[jhkbuzz]

There's no blushing emoticon, or else I'd be using it... .thank you for your kind words, jhkbuzz. That means a lot to me.

I'm very glad you started a topic with this question - I've really enjoyed reading everyone's responses. It's important to look at ourselves - and to ask if our needs were being met.

And now I'll answer my own question, for myself. Was I happy and content in my relationship with my exBPDbf?

The truth is that yes, I was, overall.

Given the nature of the relationship, it says quite a lot about me that that is, in fact, my truth. So I feel that it's important to probe more deeply into why that is.

My exBPDbf and I had some beautiful times together, and I genuinely did enjoy a lot of our relationship. (The 9 months when he was stone-cold sober were especially good - he didn't rage or become paranoid hardly at all.) When he wasn't in a rage mood, we got along quite famously. We could always make each other laugh. We talked and shared a lot, and learned a lot from each other. It was really good when it was good. I truly was incredibly happy to have him in my life.

This, to me, seems fairly reasonable. Yes, I should have paid attention to the rages and other red flags, but lessons learned and all - that's an easier issue to tackle. The sticky issue for me is what comes later.

The closer we got, the less he could control his disorder. And the more he dysregulated, the more confused I got. For the last few months, there weren't so many good times. I never knew where I stood with him... .I was utterly bewildered, worried, and desperate. He still made me happy - but I was no longer sure of his continued presence - and so I couldn't rely on that happiness.

Here's what gets me - he still made me happy. Because he did! It's absolutely true. I was still blissfully happy and content to have him in my life, even when things were at their worst, even when I was wretchedly miserable in the moment.

This is something that I've been working through for quite a while now. We've been broken up for almost a year, and I started poking around this particular issue quite soon after the breakup. In recent months I've been digging into it more deeply. There are lots of layers here, and more to be unearthed, I'm sure. But here's one thing I've uncovered.

From the very beginning - even before we started our r/s, and all throughout it - my exbf evoked in me a complex feeling. I struggle with exactly how to put it into words, but it was a feeling of being safe and happy, and at the same time keyed-up and on edge. This was a strangely intoxicating, addictive feeling for me. No one else has ever made me feel anything close. At least not in my adult life - chances are I felt that way as an infant/child in bonding with my mother. She's far more Cluster C than Cluster B, but it still helps explain why I would find such an anxious attachment familiar and comforting.

Your welcome  I always appreciate your insights.

I feel much the same about my ex... .my ex and I "had some beautiful times together, and I genuinely did enjoy a lot of our relationship. ... .we got along quite famously. We could always make each other laugh. We talked and shared a lot, and learned a lot from each other. It was really good when it was good. I truly was incredibly happy to have her in my life."

And this: "the more she dysregulated, the more confused I got. For the last few years, there weren't so many good times. I never knew where I stood with her... .I was utterly bewildered, worried, and desperate. She still made me happy - but I was no longer sure of her continued presence - and so I couldn't rely on that happiness."

This is what I finally decided about all that:  I loved her and I thoroughly enjoyed her personality.  On the surface, she was nice, sweet and funny.  But her emotional dysregulation, black and white thinking and her inability to resolve conflict led to her unfaithful, disloyal and incredibly hurtful actions. So what made me happy was the companionship; the day-to-day life, her funny personality. And, truth be told, I still love that about her.  But the devaluing actions became too much to live with. That's how "she made me happy" and "she made me utterly anxiety ridden and miserable" all at the same time. It took me a long time to sort through all that.

I can't relate to the "on edge" part that you experienced, though.  I started experiencing the "on edge" about 4 years in when she was triggered and began acting out of different parts of self - and I hated it.

[Leaving]

Great post.

Not at all... .and allowing that reality to sink in has been extraordinarily healing.  I threatened to leave so often over the years.  He reeled me back in every time.  (The years and life opportunities I have lost as a result is one thing I'm still not sure of how to recover from or if I ever will.)  It got so twisted in the fallout that I actually found myself begging for his forgiveness at one point, WOW!  On top of the rages and complete disregard for grown-up responsibilities, there was SO LITTLE from my ex that "happy" and "content" were completely unsustainable.

Ditto! to everything in Hope's comment.  I always felt the strain in my marriage and I realize now that it was because I was the only person giving and never receiving. For various reasons, I kept holding on- partly because I found it difficult to believe that what I was dealing with was permanent. Like Hope, I was always reeled right back in by the gentle kind pathetic man who made empty promises. 

Some of the questions I pondered:

Is he just not experienced?

Am I too experienced and expect too much from him?

Maybe I'm selfish and self centered and lack compassion and all my other lovers were just idiots that tolerated me.

Is his behavior a guy thing or a (name) thing?

Is he learning disabled? Autistic? Dyslexic?

Is he nutrient deficient?

Is he a sociopath?

Is he a psychopath?

Is he an addict?

Is he evil?

Do other couples relate this way?  have these problems?  Do most husbands treat their wives this way?  Maybe I don't know what relationships should be like?

Is G-d punishing me for divorcing my first husband?

The list is endless. I was always trying to find the reason for his behavior.  I was certain that if I knew the reason, I could fix our marriage- especially if the problem was me.  At one point I took meds and they just made me numb, dumb and tolerant of him for a while but then they also caused me to rage more toward him so, I quit taking them.  They certainly didn't have any effect on his behavior!

We saw counselors a few times which didn't work out since he felt he was being scrutinized by someone who hated him and loved me.

[HappyNihilist]

Your welcome  I always appreciate your insights.

The appreciation is mutual. Your posts have helped me a lot.

This is what I finally decided about all that:  I loved her and I thoroughly enjoyed her personality.  On the surface, she was nice, sweet and funny.  But her emotional dysregulation, black and white thinking and her inability to resolve conflict led to her unfaithful, disloyal and incredibly hurtful actions. So what made me happy was the companionship; the day-to-day life, her funny personality. And, truth be told, I still love that about her.  But the devaluing actions became too much to live with. That's how "she made me happy" and "she made me utterly anxiety ridden and miserable" all at the same time. It took me a long time to sort through all that.

This really hit me hard. Thank you for sharing this part of your journey.

You laid out the painful dichotomy so well. I think this is a great way of framing it.

I also thoroughly enjoyed my ex's personality. Even the parts that weren't so nice. (Not many people would accuse my exBPDbf of being sweet or even particularly nice. He's not rude or obnoxious, and most people genuinely like him, but he's no sweetheart.) Borderlines mirror and have their coping systems/modes and are not the same person for everyone -- but they are also individual human beings, just like each of us. All of that is wrapped up into their personalities. I liked what he was mirroring to me, and I liked who he seemed to be underneath it all, too. In fact, most of my favorite things about him were those that differed from me. But I also realize, after the fact, that much of his personality is changeable and inconsistent, so perhaps it's better to say that I thoroughly enjoyed his personality as I saw it.

In any case... .his devaluing actions made me miserable and broke my heart. And those actions only became more frequent and intense as time went on. His personality may have made me happy, but I don't get to just keep his personality and banish his actions. The reality is that he did/does things that hurt me deeply.

I can't relate to the "on edge" part that you experienced, though.  I started experiencing the "on edge" about 4 years in when she was triggered and began acting out of different parts of self - and I hated it.

Oh, it is hateful - I know what you mean. The "on edge" that I felt later in the relationship, when he was triggered, is different from the "edginess" I was talking about. That neverending tension you're describing is horrid. I'm so sorry you experienced that for 4 years.   It takes a definite toll.

The "edginess" I felt with him from the beginning was more like... .hmmm... .my senses being on high alert... .not in a way that felt negative. Perhaps aroused is a better way to describe it. I'm a creative type, and an absurdist, and an ardent appreciator of chaos. I've always found my ex quite fascinating and inspiring.

[Climbmountains91]

At the time i thought i was. I found out i was pregnant very very early on when it started (i know not good) but he promised me wed be a family, wed be ok then boom our daughter pops out and he couldn't care less. His words speak highly than his actions. His actions is "cant be bothered". But back then his words which i was lost in, i thought it would be a fairytale, i wad content, i thought it would be a walk off in the sunset. Happy families. But what jzhbuzz has said thats where I'm at now. I see him as a brother now (that said Nd we have a child). Gawd darm i wish i was back in that content place, never felt so content in my life but hey i have to find that for myself. No one can give it to me.

[Madison66]

I can tell you that I had times of happiness along with times of confusion and times of serious inner struggle.  I had some great times with my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years.  Those were the times when we had alone time together enjoying common interests.  Then there were times when I couldn't for the life of me understand her emotional immaturity and addiction to chaos.  That's where I couldn't find contentment and I had an inner battle of gut vs heart and head.  True unhappiness came with the covert and overt emotional then physical abuse.  My gut was telling me something was wrong and to get out, but I chose not to causing my own unhappiness and anxiety.  Bottom line, happy times but no contentment and a serious lack of peace within myself. 

Nearly 16 months out of the r/s and I'm happy, content and have found inner peace.  It was there all the time and no one but me controlled it.

[downwhim]

I agree, physically I am healing but mentally it is taking longer than I thought. I remember when my stomach hurt so much. The abandonment hit me hard and my PTSD kicked in. I could not really go through the day without taking an anxiety pill. I still take them but not as many. I get to missing him on these beautiful days and my anxiety kicks it.

I have taken down all pictures of him and his family and kids. I have blocked him on email. I have tried to date but my head is not in it.

I know I am healing slowly... .this is all a process. 

[Tibbles]

Yes I was - for the first 10 or so years we really worked well together. I really enjoyed his company. As one of the posts said - they are individual people as well as people with an illness. I really enjoyed his company and his sense of humour. We really were best friends. Then the kids came along and looking back I guess he was unsettled having to share my attention and love. While the kids were little there were glimpses of his issues but it was after he had a major health scare that things got really bad. It triggered something in him - I don't know can BPD bubble away for a while and then be triggered into a full blown illness? Other mental illnesses can so I guess BPD can to.

So before it became a full blown illness - was I happy - yes, very. After it developed- no, it nearly broke me and our kids. But we survived I'm pleased to say.

[going places]

How about you?  Were YOU happy and content in the relationship?

So how about it?  Were you?

At the 10 year mark of marriage, I had conceded to the fact "it was always going to be like this", the end.

I stopped trying to talk.

I stopped trying to work together as a team.

I just did whatever it took to keep the peace.

I'd have a moment about once every 6 months, where I just lost my mind... .but then right back in line I got.

I had myself convinced "Hey, he has a job, puts a roof over our heads, and doesn't beat me or the kids, he's not out hanging out in bars chasing other women; how dare I be so selfish"

I was content that this is what married life is supposed to be like. So I settled in, and just kept the peace.

At the 20 year mark, I realized no, he's not out in bars chasing other women. He's texting and seeing one he works with... .inbetween the hours and hours of porn he looks at; and has been looking at since the day we met and I HAD NO FRIGGIN IDEA.

I was never "happy".

I was always 'anxious' / 'anticipating' his next melt down.

I did all I could do to keep the peace and keep the children shielded from his stupidity.

I never felt loved. When his mask fell off, now I know why.

I never WAS loved.

It was the sickest most screwed up 25 years of my life.

I am thankful for my 3 children. I am thankful that they have the Lord and He guides them.

I am thankful they live with me and not their dad.

I am thankful they SEE and do all that they can not to repeat.

Holy Lord what a mess!

[Deeno02]

Yes, for about 8-9 months. Never felt more loved, even though she had her momments that I blammed on something else. Then the devaluing began. So my 16 month relationship left me punch drunk and emotionally, verbally and mentally abused and I didnt know what the hell happened. It wasnt until I was out of the r/s did I find out what BPD/NPD is. Im still gun shy and hesitant on relationships because of this, but I know I wouldnt have survived with her. Im in a better place now.

[Infared]

I was very happy and content in my relationship for 5 years... .Until the dramatic change. I had someone to love and share my life with, great family and (I thought) someone who loved and cherished me.   It was night and day once the mirroring stopped, the new supply was acquired and the devaluing began. WHOA... .what a crazy, damaging ride.  It is amazing to know that EVERYTHING was my fault. EVERYTHING!  (totally tongue in cheek)... .there is just no interacting with a mentally ill, deceptive, liar and cheater who is telling you that. I got into therapy as I could not understand or cope... and arrived at absolute NC as the only solution, although extremely challenging ... .It was my only choice, or go mad.  Never been through anything like that kind of wackiness in my life.  What a mess!    

[Pingo]

I thought I was the happiest I've ever felt in my life! It was a love like nothing I had experienced and I was elated to spend time with him. Now looking back, I think it was akin to someone taking their first hit of a wonderful drug! What an incredible high... .which had to come down at some point. After the first few months I was never able to get back to that initial high. As time went on the mask started to slip and the devaluing began. I wanted to believe I was the happiest I've ever been. I buried so many of my emotions to maintain this fantasy. It ended up resulting in a lot of health issues related to the constant anxiety and walking on eggshells. I had an apathetic type depression that sucked any joy out of my life. I had no passion for anything. I was just existing. Thankfully I started to question my own life worth and happiness which took me down a road to where I left my uBPDexh. Hardest thing I ever did. I knew my life depended on it.

[Lucky Jim]

Well said, Pingo.  Definitely an adrenaline high for me at first, and I was unable to eat or sleep normally in the early throes of our r/s.  I thought it was love, but now see it as something else going on, like a perfect storm brewing.   The combination of a pwBPD with a caretaker who has low self-esteem (me) was electric, and produced a heady feeling, which in reality should have been a warning sign.      but I was pretty naive. 

Like you Pingo, I submerged my emotions and lost my joi de vivre.  I became isolated from friends and family, forgot who I was, and nearly destroyed myself in the process, until caring friends and family offered to help, without whom I probably couldn't have made the break from my BPDxW.  Leaving was brutal, but I really had no choice at that point.  The pain of staying was greater than the pain of leaving.

So here I am 5 years later, still picking up the pieces but happy to be out of the toxic soup.  I'm back on my path.

LuckyJim

[Bloomer]

I am glad I found this post. I moved out 3 weeks ago and am reclaiming my car from my H today. Right now we are separated but I have been talking to my T about moving towards ending our marriage of 2.5 years (3.5 years together total). I started feeling sad today. All of your stories reminded me why I made the decision to move out in the first place.

I have amazing chemistry with H and he was my best friend, for a time. We share a lot of the same philosophies and interests. However, I left because I was not able to function as a person while in a toxic relationship. He continues to try to make me feel guilty about moving out to take care of myself, all the while telling me he's 100% ready to have a better relationship with me. I love all that we share that is healthy. The rest led me to severe depression, anxiety, and what my T thinks is PTSD. While H is in therapy and wants to improve, I am not in a place to continue while he works on that.

Sometimes it's really hard to realize that you have to take care of yourself before other people but it's necessary. Sometimes I still feel that pull to take care of him and then I try to remind myself where that got me. The only person who controls my happiness, is me.

[raisins3142]

Almost. I have been the most in love, had the most amazing sex, had a lot of fun, dining experiences, art, events, etc. The only thing really hanging over the entire thing was the possibility of cheating. When I was with her, that disappeared. When I wasn't, I felt a slight anxiety that tended to increase if she didn't text me back after a few hours or when I knew she was getting off of work. I really hated feeling it.

But I was lucky. I was only in my relationship for 3 months and it was pretty amazing expect for the fact that she cheated on me. I'm NC now for like 2 weeks, but she still texts me/emails me everyday. However, I think it's a way for her to cope and in the email she wrote yesterday: "I realize all of these communications might be unwelcome, and if that ever is the case mark me as spam or just say so." But I kind of like hearing from her... .

I had the same thing.

My gut knew she was the type to cheat.  She started acting oddly and red flags had accumulated, although I have no proof.

When she was off from work but not with me, I always had a pit in my stomach and had trouble eating and sleeping and my imagination got the best of me.

Later, she had to admit that she had cheated on her past 2 serious boyfriends.

Always trust your gut, literally.