Mirroring via a FB comment LONG after the fact

[JRT]

This might be nothing but another similar post made me think twice... .

last week, I relented and looked her up on FB. I was able to see only her background pic and her photo and associated comments. One of her comments was one of my pet phrases and she even spelled it in the phonetic sort of way that I would. I though that this was really odd and it was unmistakably my lingo/colloquialism.

I might be reaching here but it really made my mind wander. Any ideas?

[Hadlee]

Hi JRT

I will PM you.

[Reecer1588]

Mine is definitely NOT mirroring me, seems like she's reverted back to her roots, trying to be a real country girl. Becoming back to uber involved at the equine scene at her school.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Well the experts say that a pwBPD has no real sense of self, hence the mirroring.  They mirror love interests, friends, everything.  I have noticed that the pwBPD that I know also seems to keep trinkets from many previous r/s.  Perhaps this repeat of your words is just another trinket to her, a borrowed sense of self that still feels good in her mind.  pwBPD never seem to fully detach, though they might paint a person black for a time it seems that they will stop this once something else on their radar takes priority as an object  of hate, a lightning rod for all that inner turmoil.  In this case, old people might be remembered in a warm light, even if they have no intention of actually dealing with that person, they still might hold the memory dear.  Just my thoughts.

[fromheeltoheal]

Borderlines have an unstable sense of self, one that is not fully formed, so they will mirror to attach yes, by showing you the good they see in you, but also, and just as importantly, to take the good in you as their own, to counteract the bad they see in themselves and to complete themselves.  To psychically fuse with someone else to create one self out of two, a replaying of the situation that created the disorder to begin with.

So one way to react to discovering something you do has been 'inherited' by a borderline is to consider it a compliment.  She 'stole' some of the good she saw in you as her own, and it may also be a way to consider the attachment alive for her, since part of you is still with her.  That is what it is, we leave a trail apparently, it's just important to not go too far with it in our heads, since the relationship ended for a reason, or many, and most of us would say it could never work, so best to leave her to the influences she took and move on.

[JRT]

Makes sense... .errr... .In a BPD way... .I forgot to mention that it was not only one of my pert phrases, the way that I spelled it and a photo that she took of herself that I had taken in the same way of her during our relationship.

They were all so obvious that I felt that she put them there for me to see. Knowing her, I really didn't feel that they were an accident. It made me wonder if she herself was ruminating or obsessing about me contrary to what we know about BPD's.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Makes sense... .errr... .In a BPD way... .I forgot to mention that it was not only one of my pert phrases, the way that I spelled it and a photo that she took of herself that I had taken in the same way of her during our relationship.

They were all so obvious that I felt that she put them there for me to see. Knowing her, I really didn't feel that they were an accident. It made me wonder if she herself was ruminating or obsessing about me contrary to what we know about BPD's.

Careful with the black and white thinking 

BPD or not people are individuals with individual traits.  The one thing I have seen out of my firsthand BPD experience is that a person with this spectrum disorder is highly erratic.  In one moment they might seem to be a picture of health, full of compassion.  A minute later they can be a hate rocket full of rage.   Then they might just go completely psychotic for a bit and be all over the place.  Nothing I have seen seems to be constant other than being inconsistent.  So how do you rationalize the behavior of a person that you know is unstable?  Was the behavior part of a lucid moment, part of some twisted attention seeking stunt, part of their neurotic states?  It is hard to say.

[JRT]

Mine was a waif/hermit... .as such, she didn't seem unstable although it is patently clear that she is, just not in the classic sense. Moreover, by virtue of the way that she left the r/s (disappearing act) it left me with only conjecture and good guessing to figure it all out. It's almost a conditioned response, now, to see something like this and attempt to figure out what is behind the act, if anything.

I really don't think that I am doing any black and white thinking RS (in all respect and with good manners). I believe that the prevailing wisdom is that they don't grieve (at least not in the traditional sense) and that once you are discarded, that there is very little thought - if any - of you moving forward. This little bit makes me consider otherwise.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

Mine was a waif/hermit... .as such, she didn't seem unstable although it is patently clear that she is, just not in the classic sense. Moreover, by virtue of the way that she left the r/s (disappearing act) it left me with only conjecture and good guessing to figure it all out. It's almost a conditioned response, now, to see something like this and attempt to figure out what is behind the act, if anything.

I really don't think that I am doing any black and white thinking RS (in all respect and with good manners). I believe that the prevailing wisdom is that they don't grieve (at least not in the traditional sense) and that once you are discarded, that there is very little thought - if any - of you moving forward. This little bit makes me consider otherwise.

Sorry the black and white bit was just a bit of humor.  My pwBPD was also high functioning and seemed to have many waif traits.  Mine did not disappear but the sudden flight from the r/s was baffling.  She was operating well and then all of a sudden went full crazy.  I haven't even bothered trying to coax a rational explanation out of her, after watching her self destruct for over a month I'm leaving it alone.  I don't want to trigger that again, I was worried that she was going to check out.  So I have lots of guess work to do myself.  I've spent lots of time trying to figure out her behaviors and motivations myself so I understand.  I think that is a completely natural thing for a non mind to do when we get blindsided by such disordered behavior.  It is so crazy, so illogical that we wonder why a fellow member of our species  would behave this way.

As far as the grieving, I think that BPDs are experts at internalizing and burying pain.  They don't appear to grieve because of this, they run away to a new shiny distraction, whether it be a new r/s, substance abuse, self-harm, ect.  The pain is in there though.  They lack the faculties to process it like a non would so it gets added to the pile of pain they already carry around inside.  Because of all that hurt on the inside I think they also hold on dearly to happy memories to counteract the internal void.  They do think back on people that mattered, in a weird detached BPD way.  You were someone that made them feel better for a time, until the disorder won. 

[JRT]

Sorry to hear about yours RS... .glad that you can relate to the detective work that was thrust upon us. Its such as shame: mine had everything that she ever wanted out of a relationship with me, then BPD. So sad.

Consistent with the guessing game, my suspicion regarding the comment and photo was that it was a manifestation of her grieving in her BPD sort of way. I think that she had meant of me to see it but herself didn't really know if there were any intentions or if she expected a reaction. I also suspect that she had never intended for her walls to be so insurmountable and might now be a little bit frustrated by her own success in building them and really is confused as to what to do herself.

Me? That's not my problem. Where I do miss her and it hurts me to think that she is suffering (maybe I'm a little glad about it as well... .just a pinch), it's just not someone that I can have a r/s with nor do I think that I can even have a friendship if I am even prompted. I know that one day I will hear from her and that reconciliation will be the topic. I will need a lot of strength to do what I have to and turn her away.

[sixthsense]

Hey JRT,

Good to see that you are reaching out for answers in an effort to figure this thing out and move on with your life.

Each pwBPD is different. They all have their own unique behavioral patterns and traits. Seven months post breakup I still feel a connection with my ex. Do I miss her? Sometimes. Does it make me feel good to know she is still mirroring my behavior? A little. Do I want her back? No.

It seems that you and your fiancee' were very connected and still are, but the BPD keeps you apart. I've heard that when you have a connection with someone, and are thinking of them often, there's a good chance they are thinking about you too.

I don't believe your feelings are black & white thinking. I believe you are searching for answers. Trying to get to a place of closure... .it may take some time, but you will get there.

sixthsense

[JRT]

I've heard that when you have a connection with someone, and are thinking of them often, there's a good chance they are thinking about you too.

I wouldn't at all be surprised to learn that to be the truth.

[raisins3142]

Well the experts say that a pwBPD has no real sense of self, hence the mirroring.  They mirror love interests, friends, everything.  I have noticed that the pwBPD that I know also seems to keep trinkets from many previous r/s.  Perhaps this repeat of your words is just another trinket to her, a borrowed sense of self that still feels good in her mind.  pwBPD never seem to fully detach, though they might paint a person black for a time it seems that they will stop this once something else on their radar takes priority as an object  of hate, a lightning rod for all that inner turmoil.  In this case, old people might be remembered in a warm light, even if they have no intention of actually dealing with that person, they still might hold the memory dear.  Just my thoughts.

My uBPDexgf told me she kept stuff from past relationships after I told her I tend to toss most of it.  She also would get tattoos to remember people or times.  About halfway through our relationship, she switched out her necklace pendant and began wearing a sapphire one everyday.  I didn't ask who bought it for her because I didn't want to know and it wasn't necessarily my business, but I was intrigued.  She would sit and stroke it all the time like she was remembering someone.  Just odd to me.  It's like if I wore a watch and fondled it in front of people all the time.

[raisins3142]

Mine had many borrowed sayings and mannerisms.  She used to run around with a group of male drunks.  Not surprisingly, when she drank, she would curse, often saying the f word multiple times per sentence.  It made her look dumb and coarse, not interesting or cool.  It did get her attention, the bad kind.