I need help with grieving over the "loss" of my daughter.

[purplezinnia]

My daughter who has BPD is no longer talking to me.  As of Christmas, she is no longer in communication with me other than to attempt "rubbing in my face" her new engagement to a young man she has been dating for only 3 months.  She had split up with a young man only 2 months before that because he wouldn't propose.  I have been through a roller coaster with her for the last five or so years... .a failed marriage,   leaving her children, numerous affairs, and a suicide attempt.  She is in denial about her past claiming it never happened.  She engages me in various conflicts, the most recent resulting in this excommunication.  I made the mistake of advising her not to get her hopes up about her new boyfriend proposing.  She had been looking on line at some wedding dresses and was seeking my approval.  She very angrily accused me of not wanting her to be happy.  The next night after my husband and I went to bed, she tried to sneak her suitcases and kids out of our house. Ever since then, she has sent me a few text messages one of which was a picture of an engagement ring on her finger. I hear through family members that she is busy planning her wedding in September.  I have sought therapy since then, but today I feel like I've lost her.  She is my only child and I feel like she hates me.  My heart is aching.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Heldfast]

It is terrible that you have to go through this. So many questions though. Is she diagnosed, is she in therapy? Has this behavior happened before? Are you in any    form of communication with her fiance? It must be very hard and I am sorry to hear that you have been cut off. But if past behavior is indicative of future behavior, when does she typically come back?

[purplezinnia]

When she was in the hospital for suicide attempt, the doctor told me and my husband that she was "bordering" on BPD.  She has been in a mental hospital twice and has never discussed any diagnosis or treatment with me or my husband.  Her behavior since then has progressively worsened.  She would be on medication and abandon it saying she felt better and didn't need it anymore.  I approached her once to ask her if she might need help and she yelled at me saying there is nothing wrong with her.  When she was in high school, I spent many nights holding her while she cried that she had no friends and was unlovable, etc.  I know my answer sounds erratic, but I've never done this so please bear with me.  When I began seeing a counselor, she felt that my daughter shows many indications of BPD.  I don't know if her fiance knows about her past.  I am not in communication with him and I have felt it was best for me to stay out of her relationships.  I'm thinking that it is part of her ploy to exclude me and my husband from her life right now fearing we might "unmask" her.  I've caught many scoldings from her for ever mentioning her past with previous boyfriends. 

[purplezinnia]

I forgot to respond to two other questions.  I don't know if she is in therapy or not.  I thought she had quit a few years ago, but she told me she had gone back.  The last time she stopped talking to me, she came back after I apologized.  This time she was very definite that she would not return home saying she knew that she was not wanted there.  I have reached out to her telling her I love her and she said she loved me too and that's it.  Right now I'm just trying to understand the disorder and how to interact with her should she start speaking to me.  I was always on eggshells with her and I want to learn how to respond.  It doesn't matter what I say it's always the wrong response to her.  I found this website by googling and I see there's a lot of information on it.  That gives me hope and encouragement.  I don't have to feel alone in this!

[jaynebrain]

Hello there - first of all let me say that I am so sorry that you are grieving for the "loss" of your only daughter.  That must feel awful.  You are in a safe place to vent those feelings on this board.  You will find a lot of compassion and support.  She must be in a lot of emotional pain.  Our loved ones feel so deeply and hurt themselves in addition to those of us who love them.  Congratulations for getting into therapy!  I hope that you can learn some tools that will build you up.  It is so important to take care of ourselves throughout this journey, even if it is only a favorite cup of tea!  I have found a lot of support also in the NAMI Family to Family class that my husband and I are taking. I know they are held in many places around the country - check their website. There is a lot of great information and good people who are fighting the fight alongside us.  You are right to want to understand the disorder, as much as you can.  I will be thinking good thoughts for you.

[lbjnltx]

Hi purplezinnia,

Welcome to the Parenting Board and bpdfamily.com.  We are pleased that you chose to join us and will do our best to help you through education and support.

I'm sorry to hear that your daughter isn't communicating with you right now. This is hard on you and I know you are feeling hurt by it, I would be.


Do you get to spend time with your grandchildren?  How old are they?

I thought you might benefit from reading this and maybe participating if you feel up to it:  Grieving Mental Illness in a Loved One.

I hope to see you around more.

lbj

[purplezinnia]

A breakthrough!   I read the information on the link about conflicts.  I realized my part in engaging my daughter in conflicts.  I sent her an email apologizing to her for reacting to her with anger.  I then asked to visit her and my grandchildren and she welcomed me with open arms.  I am so happy.  I will continue to read the resources at this site to help us heal.  I am SO thankful for this site!

[lbjnltx]

Awesome news purplezinnia!

I hope your visit is wonderful.

Let us know how it goes.

lbj