How to cope up while you are trying to stay away from BPDex?

[Kasina]

Hello everyone,

my exBPDbf just broke up with me just a month and half back.i have decided to go NC and blocked him from all social sites just 3 days back but now I m feeling as if I need to go back to him... even though he is with his ex now.

I feel so weak and vulnerable ,I just want to be with him.i m losing my strength already.

Can anyone please help me through this and give me some tips on how to stay away and cope up with this Break up and NC .

I really want to heal and work on my own issues.any advice on what worked for you in going through these situation?

Any help and advice will be greatly appreciated as I am in need of it...

Thankyou -

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Kasina, 

I have gone through a couple of periods of NC with my bf. I found the best way to cope was to do things that I tended to put on the back burner when we were communicating.   

I started setting goals for myself and worked on achieving them.  Even setting small goals made a difference.

Also, I did a lot of reading and learning about myself.

It feels good focusing on your self.  You are important too.   

[Kasina]

Thankyou eagles juju,

For reply and your advice.yes I believe it's time for me to focus on myself rather than the failed relationship .i have been so consumed in making sense of it all and making it work that I totally forgot about to take care if myself and about a lot of my issues that needs my attention.

So here is what I will do,I will stop thinking about the relationship and stop trying to make sense of what happened and why it did.whats worth knowing is that it did and there's nothing that I can do about except detaching from the cycle of hurt and taking care of myself.

I wonder if he really loved me,well the answer is he did in his own dysfunctional way he could and I tried my best and gave my all to him.

I have made a lost of things needed to be taken care of and will start working on myself and heal.i have set a goal

And now I will put my energy on achieving it.on side,I will be reading all that I can about BPD and my own issues to be stronger and mindful about things taking place around and inside me.

Hope everything gets better with time.

I would like to thank you and everyone else on the board for the support.i appreciate it so much that can't even put it in to words .

Thankyou ❤

[EaglesJuju]

yes I believe it's time for me to focus on myself rather than the failed relationship .i have been so consumed in making sense of it all and making it work that I totally forgot about to take care if myself and about a lot of my issues that needs my attention.

That is a great start.    It is easy to forget about yourself when you are wrapped up in all the dramatic, erratic, and ambivalent behaviors. I forgot about myself for a very long time. It was strange focusing on myself for the first time, but let me tell you it really feels good once you get in the habit. You will surprise yourself with all the things you did not either think you could do or you forgot about. 

 

So here is what I will do,I will stop thinking about the relationship and stop trying to make sense of what happened and why it did.whats worth knowing is that it did and there's nothing that I can do about except detaching from the cycle of hurt and taking care of myself.

 

I wonder if he really loved me,well the answer is he did in his own dysfunctional way he could and I tried my best and gave my all to him.

Well said. PwBPD are capable of love but, emotional dysregulation, impulsivity, and maladaptive coping mechanisms that muddle the concept.

I have made a lost of things needed to be taken care of and will start working on myself and heal.i have set a goal

And now I will put my energy on achieving it.on side,I will be reading all that I can about BPD and my own issues to be stronger and mindful about things taking place around and inside me.

What types of things do you plan on working on?

Hope everything gets better with time.

It will get better with time. There is a reason why we get into relationships with pwBPD.  Sometimes it takes awhile to find the answer and make sense of everything, but it will happen with time. Regardless of the outcome of your relationship, you will end up being a stronger person. 

[Kasina]

Thankyou eagles juju for your time and being so considerate

To your question what goals i have set?

For starters I am going to take care of my health,I have lost significant amount weight and some health issues which needs to be taken care of by proper diet and healthy routine.

I have been detached from really good friends and family who love memo img to get involved with them go out... hang out ... start some group activity together.

I really need to focus in my career,I have just got my grad degree from college so I need to take some exams to start my practice professionally .

I am thinking about going in therapy... I really feel I need to cause I have been through so much damage internally ... my close friends tell me now and then that I have changed and I m not the person I was once ... I notice it too in me...

I am not the same person... I get depressed easily,I over think simple things,I rach in to negative consequences way too soon before even judging the situation on hand... I feel this constant paranoia that people are talking about me and they don't wish me well,I was having self esteem issues lately(I m quite over then now)but I feel that I haven't overcome them completely ... like I m not capable of clearing my exams ... I felt I wasn't pretty enough(when I mentioned it to one of my friend she was shocked ).

I haven't talked about this to any one... I never let it show but things have developed in me while I was with my BPDbf and there's this other thing that I have noticed in me is that I get startled easily now as in if someone talks loudly or in a raised tone or voice I would get startled and drop things or start shivering just for few minutes but it happens...

I wasn't like this I was carefree and very bubbly person who people loved to hangout ... very outgoing and jolly ... I have changed ...

It's not too much but it's there I can feel it.i have gotten better as in since last month I started taking time for myself ... I started to bring the person I was once fearless and optimistic ... that's when my BPDbf started getting dysregulated  and I lost my senses...

Maybe this is what caused the trigger but I decided it then that I have to take care of myself along trying to not feel my BPDbf invalidate...

Is there aby other alternative to work on my issues if I can't go in to therapy because where I m from therapy isn't a easy option or commodity to avail ...

Thankyou for bring there,I be looking forward to your reply .its really nice talking to you.❤

[Kasina]

Sorry for all the typo errors and mistakes

[EaglesJuju]

To your question what goals i have set?

For starters I am going to take care of my health,I have lost significant amount weight and some health issues which needs to be taken care of by proper diet and healthy routine.

I have been detached from really good friends and family who love memo img to get involved with them go out... hang out ... start some group activity together.

I really need to focus in my career,I have just got my grad degree from college so I need to take some exams to start my practice professionally .

These are great goals to have and you have a good plan in place.  Being around friends and having fun helps.

Congratulations on your degree. That is a huge accomplishment. 

I am thinking about going in therapy... I really feel I need to cause I have been through so much damage internally ... my close friends tell me now and then that I have changed and I m not the person I was once ... I notice it too in me...

Therapy is one of the best ways to work on your core issues. If you feel that this is a good option, you should look into therapy. Therapy has immensely helped me.

I am not the same person... I get depressed easily,I over think simple things,I rach in to negative consequences way too soon before even judging the situation on hand... I feel this constant paranoia that people are talking about me and they don't wish me well,I was having self esteem issues lately(I m quite over then now)but I feel that I haven't overcome them completely ... like I m not capable of clearing my exams ... I felt I wasn't pretty enough(when I mentioned it to one of my friend she was shocked ).

I am sorry that you are feeling this way.   

Coping with BPD behaviors can really take a toll on you after awhile and eat away at your self-esteem.

I have felt exactly the same way and I still have days where my self-esteem is lousy.

Positive self-talk helps with that. When I have a negative thought about myself, I think of a positive thought to counter the negative thought.

I haven't talked about this to any one... I never let it show but things have developed in me while I was with my BPDbf and there's this other thing that I have noticed in me is that I get startled easily now as in if someone talks loudly or in a raised tone or voice I would get startled and drop things or start shivering just for few minutes but it happens...

I wasn't like this I was carefree and very bubbly person who people loved to hangout ... very outgoing and jolly ... I have changed ...

It's not too much but it's there I can feel it.i have gotten better as in since last month I started taking time for myself ... I started to bring the person I was once fearless and optimistic ... that's when my BPDbf started getting dysregulated  and I lost my senses...

Maybe this is what caused the trigger but I decided it then that I have to take care of myself along trying to not feel my BPDbf invalidate...

I am glad you are feeling better. 

It will take time, but you are on a path to improving yourself. 

Is there any other alternative to work on my issues if I can't go in to therapy because where I m from therapy isn't a easy option or commodity to avail ...

Although I do go to therapy, I have been practicing mindfulness and DBT techniques. Mindfulness has worked for a lot of PTSD symptoms I have experienced such as increased startle responses, panic attacks, alleviating triggers, and increased anxiety. From practicing mindfulness, I have become more focused and relaxed. 

Here is an article on mindfulness to get you started

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind