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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: She will never come back, will she?  (Read 5145 times)
Reecer1588
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« on: March 14, 2015, 04:03:35 PM »

Hey guys.

I screwed up again. I unblocked her on facebook. Sure enough, there's a picture of her I haven't seen, it's public.

She's at a rodeo with some of her friends. She's smiling.

I wish I could be like her. I wish I could just not care.

I want her to text me. It's now been a month and a half.

Why won't she text me?

At this point, I don't think she'll ever text me again.

She doesn't have a replacement, I guess she's just happy doing what she's doing.

God I just wish I could not care like she does.

She's never coming back, never contacting me again, is she?

I just don't understand it. Why doesn't she love me anymore? Why doesn't she care? How could she have said all those hurtful things to me then drop me like yesterday's garbage when just a few nights before, she still told me that she loved me?

Why could she just get rid of me without anyone else there?

Why won't she ever come back to me.

As for me, all I ever feel like now is like I want to cry, scream, and shout, and yet, I can not shed any tears. No tears ever come out, I want to cry so much, but it's like I can't.

I feel like I have no control over my emotions any more.

I feel like without her like this, I just don't know what to do.

HOW CAN SHE NOT CARE ABOUT ME ANYMORE?

And guys: I want her back. What do I do to get her back? I need there to be hope. I would do whatever it takes
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Reecer1588
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« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2015, 04:24:57 PM »

Guys here is the real question:

How can she move on from me so quickly? How can she be happy again so quickly?

With no replacement?
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Technique
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« Reply #2 on: March 14, 2015, 04:30:49 PM »

The only chance you have of ever getting her back, although I'm puzzled why, considering what you have posted about her and your relationship, is to move on. Find happiness away from this woman. There is no way she will return while you're stuck in this pattern. Go out with your friends, read some books. Take up some new hobbies. Add value to yourself. We're all victims of allowing people to treat us like dirt. You need to pull your socks up and get on with life.

Do you believe she's sitting there worried about you?

It takes courage.

Focus your energy on that and not the chances of her coming back.
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dobie
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« Reply #3 on: March 14, 2015, 04:31:44 PM »

First off Facebook is FAKE a picture means nothing in terms of real inner peace .

Second BPD or not she probably like my x detached from you a while back so while you and I are blindsided they were at best conflicted if not detached long before they left us bro .

Thirdly the reason you are hurting is because you are . Your human you loved and cared about her you don't have a PD you are normal this women broke your heart .

Stay strong bro
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #4 on: March 14, 2015, 04:33:50 PM »

Excerpt
HOW CAN SHE NOT CARE ABOUT ME ANYMORE?

By 'modifying' the facts to fit her feelings, cognitive distortion, and by projecting all her sht on you so you're a scumbag; these are coping tools used by someone with a mental illness.  If she was to accept reality and responsibility for her actions, she'd melt into a puddle of shame and could absolutely not tolerate it.  They are survival tools.  Standard borderline there, apply as needed.

Excerpt
God I just wish I could not care like she does.

No you don't.  I know where you're coming from, you're hurting, but if the option is to have a mental illness that is a hell of earth, it's best to pick temporary hurting that leads to profound growth.  Much better.

Excerpt
I just don't understand it. Why doesn't she love me anymore? Why doesn't she care? How could she have said all those hurtful things to me then drop me like yesterday's garbage when just a few nights before, she still told me that she loved me?

Why could she just get rid of me without anyone else there?

So instead of stalking her on Facebook, use the time to read the articles on this site and wherever else so you understand the disorder and why she does what she does; that is the path to detachment, what you're doing now is just prolonging your pain and is self-imposed.

Excerpt
I feel like I have no control over my emotions any more.

And that will change, you'll get your power back, but you need to follow direction and work through the process.  I may sound harsh but I'm just telling you the truth.  Take care of you!

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Reecer1588
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« Reply #5 on: March 14, 2015, 04:40:13 PM »

I appreciate the responses, can I ask y'all honestly, Have y'all ever had those thoughts That I just wrote out? am I crazy for still over one month later still feeling this way?
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JPH
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« Reply #6 on: March 14, 2015, 04:43:50 PM »

If she suffers from BPD, then she is disordered. You're looking to find order in disorder. Ain't gonna happen. Based on my relationship with a BPD and an NPD, it seems to me that neither really developed substantive emotional connections with me. Though the dynamics of each disorder and my relationships with each were different, that's one of the main similarities between the two. They don't ever become invested emotionally like healthy people. That's why it's seemingly so easy for them to walk away.

Regarding whether she'll ever contact you again, here's my experience. Odds are she will. They seem to pop up just as you've turned the corner from their toxicity toward a healthier, happier life. I can't guarantee that she will, but mine certainly did when I finally reached a point in my healing where I wanted nothing to do with her.

You should seriously think about what you really want and what you'll do if she does contact you. Do you want to sign up for more of the emotional agony and confusing you're now enduring? Because I guarantee you'll get more of the same.

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ScotisGone74
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« Reply #7 on: March 14, 2015, 05:01:23 PM »

No, you re not crazy.     Your head is just trying to make sense of what your Heart is feeling.   Many of us have been threw the same place you have.   I would say at a month and a half for me personally post exBpd and NC was about the most difficult time I went through.   

I would advise you to deactivate you FB account, call up an old buddy you havent talked to in a long time, go somewhere you always wanted to go, start that diet or workout program you ve been thinking about,  get back into church or whatever you believe in, and use these boards and see a therapist if you need to.      I know you are hurting now and it is real because your love for this person was real.    Unfortunately hers was not and it takes time to make your heart realize it.     As far as FB goes avoid, some of the most screwed up and desperate people are on there smiling and laughing and posting selfies every five seconds to see just who will play along and believe any of it.     
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JPH
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« Reply #8 on: March 14, 2015, 05:07:42 PM »

I appreciate the responses, can I ask y'all honestly, Have y'all ever had those thoughts That I just wrote out? am I crazy for still over one month later still feeling this way?

I absolutely have. And, no, you're not crazy. A relationship with a personality disordered individual will make you feel crazy though. I've seen this phenomenon referred to as having "fleas." As in, "When you lie down with dogs, you get fleas."

The more information you absorb, and with each day of no contact, the more you'll see more of your old self returning. It's kinda like going through detox.
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Reecer1588
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« Reply #9 on: March 14, 2015, 05:13:45 PM »

I appreciate the responses, can I ask y'all honestly, Have y'all ever had those thoughts That I just wrote out? am I crazy for still over one month later still feeling this way?

I absolutely have. And, no, you're not crazy. A relationship with a personality disordered individual will make you feel crazy though. I've seen this phenomenon referred to as having "fleas." As in, "When you lie down with dogs, you get fleas."

The more information you absorb, and with each day of no contact, the more you'll see more of your old self returning. It's kinda like going through detox.

You know, the thing is JPH, I'm really hoping she really isn't borderline. She was my first ever real girlfriend. Maybe I really deserved all the things that she did to me.

Because if she isn't borderline, than there's still hope.

But if I'm right, and if all the people I've talked to on here who find major similarities with

My story, and also think she's borderline, and the social psych major I talked to for four hours who said "90% she's borderline"

Than I guess there's slim to no hope.

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ShadowIntheNight
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« Reply #10 on: March 14, 2015, 05:15:28 PM »

I appreciate the responses, can I ask y'all honestly, Have y'all ever had those thoughts That I just wrote out? am I crazy for still over one month later still feeling this way?

Try still seven months out after a 9.5 yr relationship and my uBPDexgf has most likely got a replacement. Actually found them before she ended us. Your pain is fresh. It seems like forever. My pain isn't as fresh but it still feels like forever. So no you're not crazy. You're Just someone who got pain unexpectedly from the last person you expected the pain to be from.
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Reecer1588
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« Reply #11 on: March 14, 2015, 05:21:38 PM »

In a way it hurts a lot for me because she Doesn't have a replacement. Every story I read on here... ."They found a replacement, fresh new source" and that's like, classic BPD. I feel like I don't strongly belong here with my story, because she didn't find a replacement. She didn't have anyone else to suck the life from. It makes me question whether she's really borderline or not at all.  She put me through all this pain, and all this heartache, She doesn't CARE anymore. She was able to trash me, send blackmail to my mom, threaten a harassment suit on me, all the while not having another source.

She's perfectly happy alone. With her obsession with horses, her equine friends, and her new found love for God.

That's what makes me think she really will never contact me again.

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Loosestrife
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« Reply #12 on: March 14, 2015, 05:22:48 PM »

Sorry youre going through this painful time. You definately don't deserve it. Fromheeltoh gives some great words of wisdom. Lots of us have been in your situation and unfortunately many people continue to go round and round this crazy cycle of wanting them back and then being miserable when our SO are back. Even if it's not BPD, it doesn't sound like she has the same kind of mature adult love for you that you have for her. I found this article really helpful in giving me a reality check when i need it : www.sharischreiber.com/anycost.html

I hope you can fill your time with healthy stuff and try to move on. Avoiding social media completely for a while is also a good idea.  
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« Reply #13 on: March 14, 2015, 05:26:44 PM »

In a way it hurts a lot for me because she Doesn't have a replacement. Every story I read on here... ."They found a replacement, fresh new source" and that's like, classic BPD. In my case, she hasn't found a replacement. She put me through all this pain, and all this heartache, She doesn't CARE anymore. And yet, she's perfectly happy alone.

Did she tell you she was perfectly happy alone? If not then you are projecting onto her what you think she is going through. You don't know unless she tells you that. And even then she may tell you that just to manipulate you. Imagining what her life is will kill you. I know because I have put myself there and it is pretty hard on me emotionally. When a thought like "she's perfectly happy" pops into you head, just replace it with I have no idea what she is really feeling.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #14 on: March 14, 2015, 05:27:36 PM »

Excerpt
Have y'all ever had those thoughts That I just wrote out? am I crazy for still over one month later still feeling this way?

I felt that way for 3 or 4 months after I left her, and that was with zero Facebook or any other kind of contact.  The sooner you cut the cord and get on with healing, the sooner you will detach.
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Reecer1588
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« Reply #15 on: March 14, 2015, 05:35:35 PM »

Having read my story (IF you have), would it be safe to assume that my exgf was borderline?

I understand that no one but a mental health professional could diagnose her.

It would just really make me feel better if I knew my story did indicate that she was borderline.

Again... .the whole lack of a replacement thing... .that really doesn't make sense to me. Seems like every story I read on here there ex quickly got a replacement.

And remember, I'm one of the youngest members here... .I'm only 19 years old, so is my ex. I guess I just kind of feel out of place for that reason, too.
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misty_red
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« Reply #16 on: March 14, 2015, 05:43:39 PM »

In a way it hurts a lot for me because she Doesn't have a replacement. Every story I read on here... ."They found a replacement, fresh new source" and that's like, classic BPD. I feel like I don't strongly belong here with my story, because she didn't find a replacement. She didn't have anyone else to suck the life from. It makes me question whether she's really borderline or not at all.  She put me through all this pain, and all this heartache, She doesn't CARE anymore. She was able to trash me, send blackmail to my mom, threaten a harassment suit on me, all the while not having another source.

She's perfectly happy alone. With her obsession with horses, her equine friends, and her new found love for God.

That's what makes me think she really will never contact me again.

My exBPDgf is like that as well. She's a hermit.

I don't think that they are really happy when being alone. I just think their replacements for us aren't people but hobbies, obejcts, projects, work, whatever. My exBPDgf never was very eager to go out, make friends or find possible love interests. When she got together with someone it just happened because there was an easy opportunity. The only reason she hangs out with people is to get insanely drunk and even then she prefers getting drunk all on her own at home.

We met in a sports club, her ex-boyfriend before me she met as well there. She's not on dating sites, not even on FB, has even deleted her WhatsApp-account now. She's not eager to find anyone. If it happens it happens. She doesn't really want to have a relationship but if she falls for someone, well, you know what I mean... .head over heals, honeymoon blabla. And that's the reason she doesn't really try. She told me so. And for once I believe her. She once said to me "I don't want to meet new people or date. At least then I'm safe that something like this [our break up and the turmoil after it] doesn't happen again."
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Loosestrife
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« Reply #17 on: March 14, 2015, 05:45:32 PM »

Hi, I dont think anyone can really say if your ex is BPD, it sounds like she is  either dysfunctional when it comes to relationships, immature (which is understandable given you are both young) or just not as in love with you as either of you thought. It really doesn't matter. It doesn't change the fact that she is treating you badly and you deserve better. If you really can't get over her then you could try a short course of therapy.

Misty red is right, not all BPDs find replacements straight away.


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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #18 on: March 14, 2015, 05:49:31 PM »

Excerpt
Having read my story (IF you have), would it be safe to assume that my exgf was borderline?

I understand that no one but a mental health professional could diagnose her.

It would just really make me feel better if I knew my story did indicate that she was borderline.

Again... .the whole lack of a replacement thing... .that really doesn't make sense to me. Seems like every story I read on here there ex quickly got a replacement.

I haven't read your story Reecer, but in the end all that matters is how she made you feel.  It's natural, when we are in pain and looking for answers, to dig into things that just don't seem right, and that digging led us here, where we read story after story that we could have written, the similarities are uncanny, which can make us feel better in it's own right, we're not alone, and then learning about personality disorders can help us make sense of it all.  Although remember, everyone's different and the traits of the disorder are on a continuum, there are no hard and fast rules, but again, in the end all that matters is how you feel.  What if there are only two kinds of people, the ones who bring us up and the ones who bring us down and the secret to life is removing the ones who bring us down and adding the ones who bring us up; which side of that fence is your ex on?  Not who you want her to be, but who she is?  Act accordingly.

Excerpt
And remember, I'm one of the youngest members here... .I'm only 19 years old, so is my ex. I guess I just kind of feel out of place for that reason, too.

That's actually the good news.  I met my ex much later in life; you get to learn these lessons young, and once you do your life will be free of people with personality disorders because your radar will be finely tuned.  How cool is that?  I wish I'd gotten these lessons at a much younger age, consider yourself fortunate.
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« Reply #19 on: March 14, 2015, 05:52:15 PM »

Maybe I really deserved all the things that she did to me.

You're being way too hard on yourself. Does anyone deserve abuse and manipulation?
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Reecer1588
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« Reply #20 on: March 14, 2015, 05:53:02 PM »

In a way it hurts a lot for me because she Doesn't have a replacement. Every story I read on here... ."They found a replacement, fresh new source" and that's like, classic BPD. I feel like I don't strongly belong here with my story, because she didn't find a replacement. She didn't have anyone else to suck the life from. It makes me question whether she's really borderline or not at all.  She put me through all this pain, and all this heartache, She doesn't CARE anymore. She was able to trash me, send blackmail to my mom, threaten a harassment suit on me, all the while not having another source.

She's perfectly happy alone. With her obsession with horses, her equine friends, and her new found love for God.

That's what makes me think she really will never contact me again.

My exBPDgf is like that as well. She's a hermit.

I don't think that they are really happy when being alone. I just think their replacements for us aren't people but hobbies, obejcts, projects, work, whatever. My exBPDgf never was very eager to go out, make friends or find possible love interests. When she got together with someone it just happened because there was an easy opportunity. The only reason she hangs out with people is to get insanely drunk and even then she prefers getting drunk all on her own at home.

We met in a sports club, her ex-boyfriend before me she met as well there. She's not on dating sites, not even on FB, has even deleted her WhatsApp-account now. She's not eager to find anyone. If it happens it happens. She doesn't really want to have a relationship but if she falls for someone, well, you know what I mean... .head over heals, honeymoon blabla. And that's the reason she doesn't really try. She told me so. And for once I believe her. She once said to me "I don't want to meet new people or date. At least then I'm safe that something like this [our break up and the turmoil after it] doesn't happen again."

That's actually really enlightening. Yeah, actually I have pretty much identified my ex as a BPD Hermit (predominately), of course I saw the witch in her at times, and especially at the end. It's funny, she was never this involved with the equine scene at her school while we were dating, she never was involved with the Church scene while we were dating either, it would seem to me that this is sort of her 'replacement'. And all the equine people she is around are girls. She doesn't really even know how to socialize, I remember having her just ONE TIME at a party at my house, surrounded by nice people, friends. Yeah she hated it the whole time except for when I was right next to her. She told me so.

For me, it really would seem to me like she's kind of scared of people, scared of social situations.

    I know that waifs/queens and witches might try to recycle, but for me, it really does feel like she'll never text me again. Sigh.
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« Reply #21 on: March 14, 2015, 05:55:28 PM »

I've gone through the same feelings you have. It's hard to have someone say she loves you them turn around and hurt you as much as possible. I tried so hard at first to reconnect and rebuild a relationship. I went No Contact 3 weeks ago and while it's really hard at first it really is for the best.

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Reecer1588
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« Reply #22 on: March 14, 2015, 05:58:19 PM »

Maybe I really deserved all the things that she did to me.

You're being way too hard on yourself. Does anyone deserve abuse and manipulation?

'

No. No one does. God the worse things she did: silent treatment, withholding affection/not letting me show affection to her, and PASSIVE AGGRESSION.

And you know what's worse? She told me that she wanted me to be able to approach her with anything.

And so I told her everything.

So she trashed me and left me.
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« Reply #23 on: March 14, 2015, 05:59:34 PM »

I've gone through the same feelings you have. It's hard to have someone say she loves you them turn around and hurt you as much as possible. I tried so hard at first to reconnect and rebuild a relationship. I went No Contact 3 weeks ago and while it's really hard at first it really is for the best.

I completely understand that I can not contact her first. Luckily, for over a month now, I haven't. That doesn't mean, however, that I don't wish she would sometime text me first.

But I'm starting to lose hope that she will.
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« Reply #24 on: March 14, 2015, 06:13:52 PM »

whether she is  a BPD or not this gal doesn't want to be with you, she doesn't dig you. because it has been one and a half month she didn't try to contact you. the question is why do you want  be with someone that doesn't want to be with you? why do you care about someone that doesn't care about you. if this girl really wants you and love you she would rob a bank for you. it is time to see the big picture and move on. you are the owner of your happiness not her.
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« Reply #25 on: March 14, 2015, 06:17:50 PM »

Reecer,

There a lot of reasons why women break up with men.  It doesn't always have to be about the disorder.  Attraction is a fickle beast.  If a woman loses it for a period of time, we're dead meat.  Think back to the man you were when you first met her.  I'd imagine there's a significant difference between who you were then, at the end, and right now.

For me, this was all about getting back to the man I was when I met her and the man wanted to be.  For many here, the grieving is as much about the loss of ourselves as it is the loss of a partner.  Focus your energy here.  Working out etc is often recommended here.  It's one of those things that keeps you moving forward.  Since you're in school, I'd encourage you to throw yourself into your studies.  Women love a guy with direction and passion.  School can certainly be a nice outlet for that sort of thing.

These early relationships are transformative.  Know that you are very young, and that this relationship at this time in your life was highly unlikely to last.      
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« Reply #26 on: March 14, 2015, 08:04:47 PM »

A bit of advice, for the OP, after encountering the numerous posts of desperation:

1 - Dude, you are 19 years old.  You've got a whole lifetime ahead of you.  Wasting it by spinning your wheels over a BPD ex who has basically castrated you emotionally - it sucks, but take it as a sign that you need to look at yourself and see why you are obsessed with this girl.  From reading all of your posts, I get the vibe that you seem to be a bit more than just heartbroken, like most of the non's who find their way here.  It's one thing to feel stunned, heartbroken and even angry. But if you go over the top, it's the non equivalent of a BPD crazed behavior.

2-  Understand: you have ZERO control now, once she painted you black.  Your only option - you HAVE to go NC and let go.  

That means no facebook.  No social media.  No texts.  Nothing. Do it.  yesterday.  I've been off all social media since last September.  i had to do it.

3 - Forget about getting her back.  It NEVER works.  I would sell my soul to get back with my ex, even though she treated me like crap.  But I am also realistic and I have found self-worth in myself.  i am not a doormat.  i am not someone who will be controlled, manipulated and lied to anymore. I've had it!  It took time to get to this stage.  But I did it - without anyone's help, other than this forum, and my own self-realization.

Cut all ties. So you can start to heal. It will hurt like heck, but take it from me: better to get started now than to delay and make things much more painful.

4 - You do not really know this woman / girl.  She is not who you think she is.  Fact.
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« Reply #27 on: March 14, 2015, 08:07:54 PM »

whether she is  a BPD or not this gal doesn't want to be with you, she doesn't dig you. because it has been one and a half month she didn't try to contact you. the question is why do you want  be with someone that doesn't want to be with you? why do you care about someone that doesn't care about you. if this girl really wants you and love you she would rob a bank for you. it is time to see the big picture and move on. you are the owner of your happiness not her.

It's hard to understand, because she digged me so much for so long. She only stopped "digging" me when I  slightly stopped being a complete doormat
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ShadowIntheNight
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« Reply #28 on: March 14, 2015, 08:11:12 PM »

whether she is  a BPD or not this gal doesn't want to be with you, she doesn't dig you. because it has been one and a half month she didn't try to contact you. the question is why do you want  be with someone that doesn't want to be with you? why do you care about someone that doesn't care about you. if this girl really wants you and love you she would rob a bank for you. it is time to see the big picture and move on. you are the owner of your happiness not her.

It's hard to understand, because she digged me so much for so long. She only stopped "digging" me when I  slightly stopped being a complete doormat

Don't know if you are in college or not, but if you are most universities have free or low cost counseling services for their students. Maybe you should make an appointment and go speak to a counselor. Most of them at that level have a lot of experience dealing with college-aged adults who experience breakups. They could be a big help to you to get yourself back on track.

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Reecer1588
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« Reply #29 on: March 14, 2015, 08:24:22 PM »

A bit of advice, for the OP, after encountering the numerous posts of desperation:

1 - Dude, you are 19 years old.  You've got a whole lifetime ahead of you.  Wasting it by spinning your wheels over a BPD ex who has basically castrated you emotionally - it sucks, but take it as a sign that you need to look at yourself and see why you are obsessed with this girl.  From reading all of your posts, I get the vibe that you seem to be a bit more than just heartbroken, like most of the non's who find their way here.  It's one thing to feel stunned, heartbroken and even angry. But if you go over the top, it's the non equivalent of a BPD crazed behavior.

I definitely am more than heartbroken. I am willing to admit that. I am a gambling addict, I quit all gambling on October 9th, 2014. Only after I self-blocked myself from all gambling sites did I finally stop. I have a problem with "obsession."

I'm also Codependent, when my ex and I were fighting, she said all the things that I had told her never to call me. For example, she called me "clingy."

What's interesting, is that I actually broke up with my ex first back in November. When I was in the relationship, I wasn't happy most of the time. I got tired of all the passive aggression (which I told her), got tired of the constant texting. My whole family told me that I seemed closed off when I was with her. I think what hurts the most is that realization that she doesn't want my any more

Honestly, most of them time, when I write these "desperation" posts, It's because that day I unblocked her on facebook... .Saw a new picture of her (like I did today), and I regress emotionally.

It is starting to dawn on me that I can not see anything of hers. No new pictures, no nothing.

I didn't realize before, but strict NC goes beyond actual contact with her.

Don't know if you are in college or not, but if you are most universities have free or low cost counseling services for their students. Maybe you should make an appointment and go speak to a counselor. Most of them at that level have a lot of experience dealing with college-aged adults who experience breakups. They could be a big help to you to get yourself back on track.


I've talked with one of the counselors (a licensed therapist) 3 times, and I plan on making another appointment now.  

   Every time I talk with her though, it's just the same thing " You need to find your own happiness, and you need to stop looking at her stuff online."

Which is the truth, I know.
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