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Author Topic: She will never come back, will she?  (Read 5157 times)
ShadowIntheNight
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« Reply #30 on: March 14, 2015, 08:39:26 PM »

A bit of advice, for the OP, after encountering the numerous posts of desperation:

1 - Dude, you are 19 years old.  You've got a whole lifetime ahead of you.  Wasting it by spinning your wheels over a BPD ex who has basically castrated you emotionally - it sucks, but take it as a sign that you need to look at yourself and see why you are obsessed with this girl.  From reading all of your posts, I get the vibe that you seem to be a bit more than just heartbroken, like most of the non's who find their way here.  It's one thing to feel stunned, heartbroken and even angry. But if you go over the top, it's the non equivalent of a BPD crazed behavior.

I definitely am more than heartbroken. I am willing to admit that. I am a gambling addict, I quit all gambling on October 9th, 2014. Only after I self-blocked myself from all gambling sites did I finally stop. I have a problem with "obsession."

I'm also Codependent, when my ex and I were fighting, she said all the things that I had told her never to call me. For example, she called me "clingy."

What's interesting, is that I actually broke up with my ex first back in November. When I was in the relationship, I wasn't happy most of the time. I got tired of all the passive aggression (which I told her), got tired of the constant texting. My whole family told me that I seemed closed off when I was with her. I think what hurts the most is that

Honestly, most of them time, when I write these "desperation" posts, It's because that day I unblocked her on facebook... .Saw a new picture of her (like I did today), and I regress emotionally.

It is starting to dawn on me that I can not see anything of hers. No new pictures, no nothing.

I didn't realize before, but strict NC goes beyond actual contact with her.

Don't know if you are in college or not, but if you are most universities have free or low cost counseling services for their students. Maybe you should make an appointment and go speak to a counselor. Most of them at that level have a lot of experience dealing with college-aged adults who experience breakups. They could be a big help to you to get yourself back on track.


I've talked with one of the counselors (a licensed therapist) 3 times, and I plan on making another appointment now. 

    Every time I talk with her though, it's just the same thing " You need to find your own happiness, and you need to stop looking at her stuff online."

Which is the truth, I know.

Reece, you can always speak to a different counselor if you don't feel it's helping with the one you've seen. It seems like you intellectually know these things about yourself and what to do. Here comes one of those stories, BUT, when I was your age everything seemed to be one extreme to the other. The best, the worst, etc. I had a b/u at the time that I thought would kill me. Many, many years later I rarely even think of that person. So time goes on, and your feelings will change. And if she was stifling you while you were in the relationship, and you ended it originally, then maybe what you really miss is a relationship and not her. I never felt that way about my uBPDexgf, and we knew one another 10 yearss. But that's just me.
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Maternus
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« Reply #31 on: March 14, 2015, 08:41:36 PM »

And remember, I'm one of the youngest members here... .I'm only 19 years old, so is my ex. I guess I just kind of feel out of place for that reason, too.

My nonBPD-ex-wife broke up with me, when we both were 19. She came back after some weeks and our relationship lasts over more than 20 years without any other recycles. When I asked her (after our divorce) why she broke up with me when we were 19, she answered, that she had the feeling to miss something in her life, she felt too young for the kind of relationship we had. She had a fear of engulfment - but it was not BPD, it was just the emotional immaturity of a teenager. She did not replace me with another guy, she just needed some space and her own freedom for a while. This is not a PD, this is normal when you are young and try to find out who you are and who you want to be with for the rest of your life.  
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Reecer1588
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« Reply #32 on: March 14, 2015, 08:48:21 PM »

And remember, I'm one of the youngest members here... .I'm only 19 years old, so is my ex. I guess I just kind of feel out of place for that reason, too.

My nonBPD-ex-wife broke up with me, when we both were 19. She came back after some weeks and our relationship lasts over more than 20 years without any other recycles. When I asked her (after our divorce) why she broke up with me when we were 19, she answered, that she had the feeling to miss something in her life, she felt too young for the kind of relationship we had. She had a fear of engulfment - but it was not BPD, it was just the emotional immaturity of a teenager. She did not replace me with another guy, she just needed some space and her own freedom for a while. This is not a PD, this is normal when you are young and try to find out who you are and who you want to be with for the rest of your life.  

Maybe in a few months, a few years, my ex will contact me. I sure hope she does. I definitely need to stop waiting on it though, and living my life.

By the way, I didn't suspect my ex was BPD at all until I had my first (and very brief) meaningful conversation a few weeks ago with her mother. When her mother so rudely cut me off over the phone with just "Reece, I have no interest in talking to you, I'm leaving" It dawned on me that something was going on there. Then all of the other things she said/did started lining up with BPD, more specifically, a BPD hermit.

Appreciate your story. My favorite part on  BPDf is listening to the stories.

In some ways, I wish I could get a definite answer: Will she ever try to come back? Will she not?

At this point: I'm assuming that she's done. She's never trying to come back. Once my heart agrees with that, then I'll be golden.

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Reecer1588
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« Reply #33 on: March 14, 2015, 09:18:06 PM »

If my exgf really is borderline, than that means she feels no remorse, no guilt for how she made me feel, no remorse for all the terrible things she said to me, doesn't remember the times she was happy to be with me and around me.

For me, that's probably one of the hardest parts to reconcile with. How is that any way to live? To not grieve? Feel no guilt, or remorse?

And because she doesn't feel those things, It always feels to me like She's "winning"
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HappyNihilist
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« Reply #34 on: March 14, 2015, 09:49:06 PM »

In some ways, I wish I could get a definite answer: Will she ever try to come back? Will she not?

As Benjamin Franklin said, "in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes." The older I get, the more I appreciate the wisdom of this. He said it in reference to the permanency of the United States Constitution - something that was very important to him.

It's difficult to accept that there are so few certainties, especially when it comes to someone or something important to us. It's only human to wish for definite answers.

The reality is that no one can give you a definite answer to that question.

But the good news is that... .it doesn't matter. Because that's the wrong question, anyway.

If answers are what you want, then start asking questions of yourself. Take this opportunity to learn about yourself. Instead of will she ever come back?, ask yourself something like why would I want her back?. For every question you think of about her, reframe it to make it about you.

Because You and your answers are important.  
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blackrazor

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« Reply #35 on: March 14, 2015, 10:15:56 PM »

If my exgf really is borderline, than that means she feels no remorse, no guilt for how she made me feel, no remorse for all the terrible things she said to me, doesn't remember the times she was happy to be with me and around me.

For me, that's probably one of the hardest parts to reconcile with. How is that any way to live? To not grieve? Feel no guilt, or remorse?

And because she doesn't feel those things, It always feels to me like She's "winning"

You know, I don't think it is that surprising that this has happened, since you broke it off originally. If I recall one of your older posts you guys were hanging out and getting close again after you broke up? And then an 'event' happened which put all of this into motion. ie the straw that broke the camels back.

She probably assumed you would brake up/ 'abandon' her again so she pre-emptively struck.

It seems there's a bit of a contrast here of the opinions on the borderline and how they think. Its either:

I) They don't care, have no remorse and are heartless soul siphons

II) They care too much, this causes them pain, and they do all the things to protect themselves from this pain

I'm sure some fall into either category, but I wouldn't assume it is always the first. You haven't seen her so you have no idea how she is acting. Facebook is one of the fakest things out there, for everyone including pwBPD. A lot of people just try to create their ideal image to increase their fragile self-esteem. Now the pwBPD has low self-worth, they wont be putting pictures of how sad they are in public. You might see her picture and think she's really happy, but you are just falling for her act. With pwBPD you have to go on their actions, not what they say (or show), even if it is true at that instant it is fickle and fleeting not to mention the emotional reasoning. Maybe because of the pain she feels/felt, she is now trying to cause you pain as payback.
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Reecer1588
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« Reply #36 on: March 14, 2015, 10:30:59 PM »

If my exgf really is borderline, than that means she feels no remorse, no guilt for how she made me feel, no remorse for all the terrible things she said to me, doesn't remember the times she was happy to be with me and around me.

For me, that's probably one of the hardest parts to reconcile with. How is that any way to live? To not grieve? Feel no guilt, or remorse?

And because she doesn't feel those things, It always feels to me like She's "winning"

You know, I don't think it is that surprising that this has happened, since you broke it off originally. If I recall one of your older posts you guys were hanging out and getting close again after you broke up? And then an 'event' happened which put all of this into motion. ie the straw that broke the camels back.

She probably assumed you would brake up/ 'abandon' her again so she pre-emptively struck.

It seems there's a bit of a contrast here of the opinions on the borderline and how they think. Its either:

I) They don't care, have no remorse and are heartless soul siphons

II) They care too much, this causes them pain, and they do all the things to protect themselves from this pain

I'm sure some fall into either category, but I wouldn't assume it is always the first. You haven't seen her so you have no idea how she is acting. Facebook is one of the fakest things out there, for everyone including pwBPD. A lot of people just try to create their ideal image to increase their fragile self-esteem. Now the pwBPD has low self-worth, they wont be putting pictures of how sad they are in public. You might see her picture and think she's really happy, but you are just falling for her act. With pwBPD you have to go on their actions, not what they say (or show), even if it is true at that instant it is fickle and fleeting not to mention the emotional reasoning. Maybe because of the pain she feels/felt, she is now trying to cause you pain as payback.

Just to clarify, my ex and I were getting back close again, but she was always telling me then that she felt like I was overbearing on her. She would come over for the night, everything would go well, and then later that night she would text me about how I was oversexualizing her, making her feel belittled, disrespecting her, acting immature, etc. I kept telling her to just TELL ME in the moment when something I was doing was just making her upset, but she wouldn't. She would just keep texting me after she went home. Finally, the last couple times I saw her, she would just act cold and indifferent around me. It was like I was losing her, and there was nothing I could do about it. It made me feel horrible. Finally one night, I just snapped at her. And that's when everything went downhill.


Here's my point: Things were more gradual than maybe I have been describing here. There was definitely a period of time where she was actively emotionally detaching from me. She TOLD me as much, using that exact word "detach."


That is what has been driving me insane guys, that she actively desired to detach herself from me, she could come over, see me ever night, and over time, force herself to first: Stop loving me, Second: Stop caring about me Third: Stop being "concerned" about me. Now: Silence.

Is that typical BPD at all?
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ShadowIntheNight
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« Reply #37 on: March 14, 2015, 10:46:40 PM »

If my exgf really is borderline, than that means she feels no remorse, no guilt for how she made me feel, no remorse for all the terrible things she said to me, doesn't remember the times she was happy to be with me and around me.

For me, that's probably one of the hardest parts to reconcile with. How is that any way to live? To not grieve? Feel no guilt, or remorse?

And because she doesn't feel those things, It always feels to me like She's "winning"

You know, I don't think it is that surprising that this has happened, since you broke it off originally. If I recall one of your older posts you guys were hanging out and getting close again after you broke up? And then an 'event' happened which put all of this into motion. ie the straw that broke the camels back.

She probably assumed you would brake up/ 'abandon' her again so she pre-emptively struck.

It seems there's a bit of a contrast here of the opinions on the borderline and how they think. Its either:

I) They don't care, have no remorse and are heartless soul siphons

II) They care too much, this causes them pain, and they do all the things to protect themselves from this pain

I'm sure some fall into either category, but I wouldn't assume it is always the first. You haven't seen her so you have no idea how she is acting. Facebook is one of the fakest things out there, for everyone including pwBPD. A lot of people just try to create their ideal image to increase their fragile self-esteem. Now the pwBPD has low self-worth, they wont be putting pictures of how sad they are in public. You might see her picture and think she's really happy, but you are just falling for her act. With pwBPD you have to go on their actions, not what they say (or show), even if it is true at that instant it is fickle and fleeting not to mention the emotional reasoning. Maybe because of the pain she feels/felt, she is now trying to cause you pain as payback.

Just to clarify, my ex and I were getting back close again, but she was always telling me then that she felt like I was overbearing on her. She would come over for the night, everything would go well, and then later that night she would text me about how I was oversexualizing her, making her feel belittled, disrespecting her, acting immature, etc. I kept telling her to just TELL ME in the moment when something I was doing was just making her upset, but she wouldn't. She would just keep texting me after she went home. Finally, the last couple times I saw her, she would just act cold and indifferent around me. It was like I was losing her, and there was nothing I could do about it. It made me feel horrible. Finally one night, I just snapped at her. And that's when everything went downhill.


Here's my point: Things were more gradual than maybe I have been describing here. There was definitely a period of time where she was actively emotionally detaching from me. She TOLD me as much, using that exact word "detach."


That is what has been driving me insane guys, that she actively desired to detach herself from me, she could come over, see me ever night, and over time, force herself to first: Stop loving me, Second: Stop caring about me Third: Stop being "concerned" about me. Now: Silence.

Is that typical BPD at all?

really it sounds like a young woman who wanted to end a relationship. Look, maybe she texted you because she didn't feel she could tell you face to face. Maybe she didn't know how to express herself, maybe she felt afraid. I'm not even sure how long you two dated, but you may be throwing a label on her that may not be the right one. She just may have been a young woman who wanted to be single again and not deal with the angst of being in a relationship. That's hard to face. But let me tell you, at your age you have many things worse than her ending the relationship to face yet. M. Scott Peck says in his book THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED, l"life is hard, once you learn that then it gets easier." This may be a good chance to face a life lesson and grow in maturity.

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Reecer1588
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« Reply #38 on: March 14, 2015, 10:58:30 PM »

If my exgf really is borderline, than that means she feels no remorse, no guilt for how she made me feel, no remorse for all the terrible things she said to me, doesn't remember the times she was happy to be with me and around me.

For me, that's probably one of the hardest parts to reconcile with. How is that any way to live? To not grieve? Feel no guilt, or remorse?

And because she doesn't feel those things, It always feels to me like She's "winning"

You know, I don't think it is that surprising that this has happened, since you broke it off originally. If I recall one of your older posts you guys were hanging out and getting close again after you broke up? And then an 'event' happened which put all of this into motion. ie the straw that broke the camels back.

She probably assumed you would brake up/ 'abandon' her again so she pre-emptively struck.

It seems there's a bit of a contrast here of the opinions on the borderline and how they think. Its either:

I) They don't care, have no remorse and are heartless soul siphons

II) They care too much, this causes them pain, and they do all the things to protect themselves from this pain

I'm sure some fall into either category, but I wouldn't assume it is always the first. You haven't seen her so you have no idea how she is acting. Facebook is one of the fakest things out there, for everyone including pwBPD. A lot of people just try to create their ideal image to increase their fragile self-esteem. Now the pwBPD has low self-worth, they wont be putting pictures of how sad they are in public. You might see her picture and think she's really happy, but you are just falling for her act. With pwBPD you have to go on their actions, not what they say (or show), even if it is true at that instant it is fickle and fleeting not to mention the emotional reasoning. Maybe because of the pain she feels/felt, she is now trying to cause you pain as payback.

Just to clarify, my ex and I were getting back close again, but she was always telling me then that she felt like I was overbearing on her. She would come over for the night, everything would go well, and then later that night she would text me about how I was oversexualizing her, making her feel belittled, disrespecting her, acting immature, etc. I kept telling her to just TELL ME in the moment when something I was doing was just making her upset, but she wouldn't. She would just keep texting me after she went home. Finally, the last couple times I saw her, she would just act cold and indifferent around me. It was like I was losing her, and there was nothing I could do about it. It made me feel horrible. Finally one night, I just snapped at her. And that's when everything went downhill.


Here's my point: Things were more gradual than maybe I have been describing here. There was definitely a period of time where she was actively emotionally detaching from me. She TOLD me as much, using that exact word "detach."


That is what has been driving me insane guys, that she actively desired to detach herself from me, she could come over, see me ever night, and over time, force herself to first: Stop loving me, Second: Stop caring about me Third: Stop being "concerned" about me. Now: Silence.

Is that typical BPD at all?

really it sounds like a young woman who wanted to end a relationship. Look, maybe she texted you because she didn't feel she could tell you face to face. Maybe she didn't know how to express herself, maybe she felt afraid. I'm not even sure how long you two dated, but you may be throwing a label on her that may not be the right one. She just may have been a young woman who wanted to be single again and not deal with the angst of being in a relationship. That's hard to face. But let me tell you, at your age you have many things worse than her ending the relationship to face yet. M. Scott Peck says in his book THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED, l"life is hard, once you learn that then it gets easier." This may be a good chance to face a life lesson and grow in maturity.

I appreciate your honesty. You're right in that I find few stories of Girls doing this gradual detachment thing. If it weren't for all the other things she did and said, I would have also chaulked it up to her just wanting to leave me. But honestly, I've never come across a person who straight up tells you "I'm not suffering, I'm glad I made the decision to eliminate you from my life"

Like i'm the plague or something.

We dated for a year and a half btw.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #39 on: March 14, 2015, 11:08:32 PM »

Excerpt
"I'm not suffering, I'm glad I made the decision to eliminate you from my life"

You don't need to hear that crap Reecer, in fact you need to be glad she 'eliminated' you if she's going to treat you like that.  Life is too short to not fill ours up with raving fans, there are plenty of nice girls in the world who would be willing to treat you as the catch you are and be extra happy to spend time with you.  Women who are attracted to you will make it easy for you to pursue them, in fact they may end up doing the pursuing once you show them how awesome you are.  The rest?  Forget them.

OK, maybe it's a little early for that, but no sense taking what someone with a mental illness says or does personally.  Borderlines need to devalue their partners at the end of a relationship to cope, and so here's an opportunity to remind yourself extra hard what a great man you are, and once you believe it again it will show all over.  Take care of you!
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Reecer1588
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« Reply #40 on: March 14, 2015, 11:10:06 PM »

"I'm not suffering, I'm glad I made the decision to eliminate you from my life"

You don't need to hear that crap Reecer, in fact you need to be glad she 'eliminated' you if she's going to treat you like that.  Life is too short to not fill ours up with raving fans, there are plenty of nice girls in the world who would be willing to treat you as the catch you are and be extra happy to spend time with you.  Women who are attracted to you will make it easy for you to pursue them, in fact they may end up doing the pursuing once you show them how awesome you are.  The rest?  Forget them.

OK, maybe it's a little early for that, but no sense taking what someone with a mental illness says or does personally.  Borderlines need to devalue their partners at the end of a relationship to cope, and so here's an opportunity to remind yourself extra hard what a great man you are, and once you believe it again it will show all over.  Take care of you!

I appreciate your uplifting words!

Listen, so it wouldn't be uncharacteristic of a borderline to gradually devalue you, right in front of you? And even tell you as much?
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blackrazor

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« Reply #41 on: March 14, 2015, 11:13:01 PM »

I appreciate your honesty. You're right in that I find few stories of Girls doing this gradual detachment thing. If it weren't for all the other things she did and said, I would have also chaulked it up to her just wanting to leave me. But honestly, I've never come across a person who straight up tells you "I'm not suffering, I'm glad I made the decision to eliminate you from my life"

Like i'm the plague or something.

We dated for a year and a half btw.

Gradually detaching as you put it is just devaluing, which is BPD standard. They detach by devaluing you more and more and then, something happens and you are black and gone. It may seem like an isolated event but in their mind it is a more gradual process. To be honest your ex's pattern of behaviour does sound a lot like my ex. She wasn't much older than you, and sometimes you think 'oh she's just young and immature and doesn't know what she wants' etc. But for me it wasn't this simple. I could see this behaviour with others she was close to (such as family), so I had another reference. Perhaps if you didn't have this it is harder to know whether its just with you and your situation.

Also maybe she felt you were overbearing because you were getting too close again, and she assumed you would 'abandon' her like you did before, so getting close again caused pain for her. Maybe she has BPS, maybe she doesn't. She at least shows some traits, so you know she is somewhere along that road and you can make sense of some of the behaviour.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #42 on: March 14, 2015, 11:18:44 PM »

Excerpt
"I'm not suffering, I'm glad I made the decision to eliminate you from my life"

You don't need to hear that crap Reecer, in fact you need to be glad she 'eliminated' you if she's going to treat you like that.  Life is too short to not fill ours up with raving fans, there are plenty of nice girls in the world who would be willing to treat you as the catch you are and be extra happy to spend time with you.  Women who are attracted to you will make it easy for you to pursue them, in fact they may end up doing the pursuing once you show them how awesome you are.  The rest?  Forget them.

OK, maybe it's a little early for that, but no sense taking what someone with a mental illness says or does personally.  Borderlines need to devalue their partners at the end of a relationship to cope, and so here's an opportunity to remind yourself extra hard what a great man you are, and once you believe it again it will show all over.  Take care of you!

I appreciate your uplifting words!

Listen, so it wouldn't be uncharacteristic of a borderline to gradually devalue you, right in front of you? And even tell you as much?

Not at all, in fact that's the standard cycle of the disorder.  It's just a coping mechanism used by someone who can't deal with their emotions any other way.  Again, you don't need that crap, too many nice girls in the world.  Go have fun.
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Reecer1588
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« Reply #43 on: March 14, 2015, 11:38:10 PM »

"I'm not suffering, I'm glad I made the decision to eliminate you from my life"

You don't need to hear that crap Reecer, in fact you need to be glad she 'eliminated' you if she's going to treat you like that.  Life is too short to not fill ours up with raving fans, there are plenty of nice girls in the world who would be willing to treat you as the catch you are and be extra happy to spend time with you.  Women who are attracted to you will make it easy for you to pursue them, in fact they may end up doing the pursuing once you show them how awesome you are.  The rest?  Forget them.

OK, maybe it's a little early for that, but no sense taking what someone with a mental illness says or does personally.  Borderlines need to devalue their partners at the end of a relationship to cope, and so here's an opportunity to remind yourself extra hard what a great man you are, and once you believe it again it will show all over.  Take care of you!

I appreciate your uplifting words!

Listen, so it wouldn't be uncharacteristic of a borderline to gradually devalue you, right in front of you? And even tell you as much?

Not at all, in fact that's the standard cycle of the disorder.  It's just a coping mechanism used by someone who can't deal with their emotions any other way.  Again, you don't need that crap, too many nice girls in the world.  Go have fun.

A few days ago, I talked to her ex boyfriend, her very first boyfriend, who dated her when she was like 15-16. She had one boyfriend after that before she met me, a complete scumbag who was always pushing her around ( i physically saw it happen with my own eyes, not speculation ). She actually dumped him finally. Interestingly enough, her Mom liked the second boyfriend ( Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post))

Here's part of the conversation:

Me: William, did she ever do things to you like giving you the silent treatment, screaming at you, acting overly emotional over little things, stuff like that?

William: Yes

Me: Go on, please

William: She got really emotional end of junior year into senior year because of her family drama. She tried to act like everything was okay but I knew different. Just like most people she tries to hide her problems but made it worse. Just try to wait it out, she will cool down hopefully and stop harassing you.

      Point being: William knew my ex years ago. I think that my uBPDexgf really never got over her parents divorce. It was probably the cause of the disorder, if she has it. For me, I think things just really devolved in her mind at the end of our time together. They do say that signs of the disorder come along around her age.

And

Another point: William said that my ex didn't contact him after he dumped her. That for two years, and only after he contacted her, did they talk again. And I know my ex has painted me a deep deep shade of black.  :'(

Now their relationship was nothing like my relationship with her. But he knew my ex her whole life, and he saw her "before" and "after" the divorce. And he said that she changed. And I have read a ton about how traumatic events like divorces can bring along BPD. I'm not saying that they always do, but I'm saying that William gave me corroborating evidence that something in her changed.

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« Reply #44 on: March 15, 2015, 12:33:43 AM »

Reecer... .you are stuck here... .I want the best for you but you really need to take care of you... .yes it is very difficult, you don't need to tell me, I have been there and still deal with this catastrophe daily after 6 months, but I think that the best thing for you is to fall in love with Reece and take care of him.

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« Reply #45 on: March 15, 2015, 02:36:58 AM »

First of all: I haven’t read all the comments above and maybe I repeat what other people have told already. Anyway. This post might be a bit longer.

In a lot of ways I am like you. When I love someone I always will in some way. When I love someone I love them unconditionally. That’s not a problem per se. It is though if the one receiving your love isn’t really capable of doing so. I’ll be the last to abandon someone. You can call me a co-dependent, a „people fixer“, someone who would give everything for someone else. I even became a social pedagogue, that speaks for itself I guess. I love humans, that’s why I do this (and of course because of my upbringing in childhood)e. But I never saw that I was a hypocrite and you know why? I was a do-gooder but only for others, not for myself. If I would’ve treated other people the way I treated myself, dear god, I would’ve been in jail already. I was an abuser, I abused MYSELF. I’m not proud of it but I’ll admit something I haven’t before: I’m an asperger and because of that I used to self harm in the past. Autistic people do that as well, yes, though they might have different reasons as BPDs have. I never was really someone to cut myself, I did it maybe twice in my teenage years. I more was one to hit my face or hands, to scratch, to bite (I’m not proud at all of that and even now when telling this I am kind of ashamed) myself, to rub some scratchy texture on my skin etc. It was all about stimulation or of coping for reducing the high stress levels. When I was with my exBPDgf my stress levels were high as a kite. In the end I suffered from adrenal fatigue. And I cut myself one time again. I don’t even know WHY. But I did and now there’s an ugly scar gracing my arm. No, it wasn’t her fault at all. It was mine. But that’s what I mean. Everytime I look on my arm I’m reminded of how stupid I was. And it’s not just a metaphor for the things I did when being with her. I drank huge amounts of alcohol when being with her. Again, not her fault but my because I didn’t get out. I started manipulating HER (or at least I tried, aspergers aren’t good in doing that anyway…) because I felt that was the only way to get along and help her. No, I actually enabled her, hurt her etc. I somewhat turned borderline myself. Believe me, you don’t want that. Even if you love her. Is there any worth when in the end you take all your energy to love someone else but not yourself? And would there be any use for your exGF in doing so? You’d be miserable. I felkt like turning into a zombie in the end.My anxiety levels were high as they’ve never been before. And I’ve been afraid of life since ever due to the aspergers and high sensitivity. It felt like living in hell. Even months after the break up I literally was afraid of EVERYTHING. I turned kinda paranoid that some bad things would happen to me.

Be glad (I know, I know, you can’t, I couldn’t as well in the beginning) that she’s not reaching out to you. Be glad she’s not trying to recycle. I had to go to practice after the final discard where she was attending as well. She didn’t even need to try to reach out again because she was still there. She smeared me, then she left the team finally only to visit matches a month later. She never approached me directly, it was always done covertly and it kept me from detaching because I was ruminating a lot why she showed up etc. (hermits and/or the ones with narcissistic traits don’t reach out directly, they are too proud to do so). It didn’t help but kept me stuck. Then she gave me a huge gift when she finally deleted the WhatsApp-group of our team she’d still been in even if she was no team mate anymore. Only then I was also able to remove myself from my sports team so she never would’ve any opportunity to show up again. I have no idea if she’s still living in the same city, if she’s still visiting our matches, I burned every bridge and it was a good thing to do. I don’t know what she’s been up to lately and that’s a good thing.

You need to remove yourself from everything where there’ll be a chance you might see her or you’ll be even reminded of her.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life like a zombie?

It doesn’t matter if you have scar tissue on your skin or on your soul/heart. But in some way we all are self-harming when wishing for them to come back. Not because they are evil or bad people, but because being in a relationship with them is toxic. And try to see the good in it. Nowadays I think that after all that happened that I am able to love deeply and unconditionally and that’s a good thing (if you take care of yourself as well). When we broke up it more felt like I wasted lots of energy and love for someone I shouldn’t have. But that’s not right as well. I did love her genuinely and that says a lot about myself. I loved her, not because she loved me (or at least she claimed to) but because I loved her as a human being. It showed me that I really am capable of loving. I’m not mad at her, there was never ever a time I hated her or had to forgive her because my love doesn’t have anything to do with her behaviour. I guess you call it detaching with love. I didn’t need to paint her black, to rage at her, to smear her, to devalue her, whatever else… I am detaching with love now. And it just shows how strong someone really is.
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« Reply #46 on: March 15, 2015, 04:42:17 AM »

HOW CAN SHE NOT CARE ABOUT ME ANYMORE?

By 'modifying' the facts to fit her feelings, cognitive distortion, and by projecting all her sht on you so you're a scumbag; these are coping tools used by someone with a mental illness.  If she was to accept reality and responsibility for her actions, she'd melt into a puddle of shame and could absolutely not tolerate it.  They are survival tools.  Standard borderline there, apply as needed.

God I just wish I could not care like she does.

No you don't.  I know where you're coming from, you're hurting, but if the option is to have a mental illness that is a hell of earth, it's best to pick temporary hurting that leads to profound growth.  Much better.

I just don't understand it. Why doesn't she love me anymore? Why doesn't she care? How could she have said all those hurtful things to me then drop me like yesterday's garbage when just a few nights before, she still told me that she loved me?

Why could she just get rid of me without anyone else there?


So instead of stalking her on Facebook, use the time to read the articles on this site and wherever else so you understand the disorder and why she does what she does; that is the path to detachment, what you're doing now is just prolonging your pain and is self-imposed.

I feel like I have no control over my emotions any more.

And that will change, you'll get your power back, but you need to follow direction and work through the process.  I may sound harsh but I'm just telling you the truth.  Take care of you!

People with BPD do modify the facts to fit their feelings and needs. It's soo hard to actually believe... but that is what a BPD does at any given moment. When I think about that... I know it is true ... .but if we really own that, there is just no possibility of having a relationship with someone who has that as a main coping skill. Think about it. I had difficulty facing that reality. All we can do is take care of ourselves and love us... .
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« Reply #47 on: March 15, 2015, 09:25:31 AM »

I appreciate the responses, can I ask y'all honestly, Have y'all ever had those thoughts That I just wrote out? am I crazy for still over one month later still feeling this way?

Yep. 7 months out and it's getting better. I was literally at her house with her and her kids like a normal family and a week later, I'm dumped and there's a new guy sitting in my spot. I was totally where you are, but there was a new guy now. Poof... .there he is. How could she toss me away? How can she forget all about me and my kids? All the above advice and guidance is correct. You will never get the closure you need from them. You may or may not get a little bit from them, but it will be all your fault. I'm getting better and stronger and you will too.
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« Reply #48 on: March 15, 2015, 10:15:22 AM »

Reecer,

It's hard, I know... .

We've all been through similar situations. It's hard to phantom how someone you could love so deeply could hurt and betray you in such a cruel and heartless manner. You start to doubt your whole existence, your whole being. You constantly replay the relationship in your mind, the memories, the times you were there for the person. You then focus, like you and I have done, how a person can just discard you like a piece of trash and move on?

Reecer, let me tell you something... .You are strong and most people in this world will have no understanding of that strength.

Like you, I don't know what my ex was. She wasn't a total BPD as you suspect either. I think she was an opportunist. Someone who needed me for some time. I used to blame myself for being blind to this. I think now I can safely say I am grateful to have gone through this.

Someday you will come to a point where you look at yourself with love and say, you know, I tried my best to be a good guy and love her. I tried my best to be there for her. I tried... .I tried to make my own dream come true, regardless of the warning signs. Regardless of the way she treated me.

See Reecer, my dream was always to have a beautiful girl. I don't know if was or is your dream but that dream blinded me from her bad behavior. It made me tolerate things that most guys would have never stood for. I put my needs aside and hoped that the more money, time and effort I would put in she would magically appreciate it and reciprocate.

It never happened, and quite honestly, I don't think she would have ever done so. I don't know you man but I imagine you are a good guy. Women like your ex, and mine, don't want good guys. They are attracted to people who are like themselves. Selfish and out of control individuals who don't have a care in the world.

My ex taught me some valuable lessons but she also tried to destroy me. She did not and Reecer you will rise above this.

Will she ever come back? Who knows? Maybe, maybe not. I ask the same question every day but recently I have been giving myself a slightly different answer.

I say to myself... .If E ever came back could I ever be with her again? Could I ever trust her? Would I be letting myself down by letting her back into my life? Even after all the misgivings, the months of no contact.

She doesn't need you now! She destroyed your town. I can assure you there will be a high probability that when you rebuild yourself she will return.

I hope and pray by that time, you, myself and others on this board will be strong enough to forgive but not forget.

I forgive my ex because she is sick. She is not like me. She has a mental disorder. I WILL not forget through the pain and agony I have had to endure because of her actions. Yes, E is beautiful on the outside, but her inside is cold, dark and ugly.

Reecer, it gets easier... .There will always be a part of you who hurts for the person you thought she was. But it takes a stronger man, a stronger person to be able to withstand the S^%@storm and come out a stronger individual.   

Like others have echoed, gain hobbies, work on your body, reconnect with friends, get out of your cave and travel. Rebuild what you have because what you have is awesome. You're 19 years old. Many of us didnt learn our lessons to years later. Be grateful, grow and be well!
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« Reply #49 on: March 15, 2015, 10:55:29 AM »

For all our sake I hope none  of our expbds come back. 100.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #50 on: March 15, 2015, 11:22:54 AM »

Guys, our exes gave us the gift of knowledge. They are allowing us too heal when they don't return. I'm thinking differently lately, I don't blame her for everything. Because all along I had a choice. And so do all of you.
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« Reply #51 on: March 15, 2015, 01:07:45 PM »

Guys, our exes gave us the gift of knowledge. They are allowing us too heal when they don't return. I'm thinking differently lately, I don't blame her for everything. Because all along I had a choice. And so do all of you.

THIS SO MUCH!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #52 on: March 15, 2015, 02:30:32 PM »

No, she won't. As simple as that.
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« Reply #53 on: March 15, 2015, 04:20:35 PM »

No, she won't. As simple as that.

I disagree. Sometimes they TRY and comeback. But only if you allow it.
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« Reply #54 on: March 15, 2015, 05:12:12 PM »

if she doesn't come back it will be very good news for reecer1588 so he could move on with his life and start the healing process.
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« Reply #55 on: March 15, 2015, 05:34:09 PM »

If my exgf really is borderline, than that means she feels no remorse, no guilt for how she made me feel, no remorse for all the terrible things she said to me, doesn't remember the times she was happy to be with me and around me.

Don't get me wrong, but I have the feeling, that you really want her to be borderline, because when she is borderline, you hope, that she will come back. But when she is borderline, she will never make you happy. Everything will get worse, not better. And even when she is not a pwBPD - when you have done nothing wrong in the relationship, you deserve something better. It doesn't matter if she has a full blown PD or is just immature. She is not the right partner for you. She is on a different page.   
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« Reply #56 on: March 15, 2015, 07:09:13 PM »

If my exgf really is borderline, than that means she feels no remorse, no guilt for how she made me feel, no remorse for all the terrible things she said to me, doesn't remember the times she was happy to be with me and around me.

Don't get me wrong, but I have the feeling, that you really want her to be borderline, because when she is borderline, you hope, that she will come back. But when she is borderline, she will never make you happy. Everything will get worse, not better. And even when she is not a pwBPD - when you have done nothing wrong in the relationship, you deserve something better. It doesn't matter if she has a full blown PD or is just immature. She is not the right partner for you. She is on a different page.   

Very good statement.
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« Reply #57 on: March 15, 2015, 09:46:51 PM »

Staff only

The topic of discussion is worthwhile and is locked. A new and similar topic of discussion can be created.
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