We've been broken up for 7 months, but she is still mirroring me. Is this normal

[sixthsense]

Can you help me make sense of this? My ex BPDgf and I have been broken up for 7 months. She gave me the silent treatment for two months prior to the break up which was the last straw for me. She's a waif/hermit type and wouldn't express her thoughts/feelings so she'd just shut down without provocation.

The hard part is we work for the same company, but different departments. We used to drive to work together  for a year and a lot of times in silence depending on her moods. While we were together, I thought the way she mimicked my habits, thoughts and words was our "connection"

and thought we were something special until I found out about BPD.

Anyway, thank goodness we are only on site together two days out of the week, but there is some minor cyber stalking.

She's not an early morning person, but I am. When we rode in together we'd be late because of " technical difficulties". Since the break up, I've resumed my early morning on time schedule. And now she breaks her ass to get in early and leave shortly after I leave each day. And I can tell she checks my work status because now her "out of office" email messages are now worded exactly the same as mine. She saw me leaving work a few hours earlier the other day. And the following two days, Thursday & Friday she called in sick.

If we cross paths, she dramatically shifts her body away from me and drops her head and scurries off.

Anyway, is it normal for pwBPD to still mirror their exes and stalk? We never argued, but the silence and moodiness took a toll on me. It seemed as though the more she felt for me the more distant and silent she became and the blacker she painted me. But she is still mirroring... .

Thanks!

sixthsense

[JRT]

Wow! I thought that I was the only one!

My exBPD fiance did a disappearing act right after she moved in to my house 6 months ago. She blocked me from contact and I have not spoken to her since before her disappearance. I am SO painted black that her hatred seems to be intensifying given some signs here and there. However, I have caught her stalking me on FB red handed and even though I have been blocked on FB (an really should not be checking her out) I saw on the only thread that I could read (associated with her profile picture) where she had invoke a very clear JRT-ism including the unique way that I would type it. There was zero mistake about it as it was plain as day. I thought that it was just one of those things, weird, but insignificant. What do you theorize?

[sixthsense]

Hey JRT,

So sorry for your fiancee's disappearing act. I am still green and still learning about this whole BPD thing. But from what I've read on these boards, we are not alone.

My theory is our exes loved us in their own deep way. But they can't sustain it because they are so busy worrying about the impending abandonment that they can't or won't allow themselves to accept and appreciate the good feelings of the present so they bail physically or emotionally or both. I think my ex wanted me to walk away so she'd be the victim.

As for the mirroring after the relationship has ended, I think it's some twisted way to keep some semblance of a connection.

I don't think your ex hates you at all. I think it's the opposite. I think she obsesses about you, but they don't have the emotional tools to do damage control or undo certain things even though they may want to badly do so. I think your ex was afraid of the good things you made her think, feel and do.

I can tell my ex still obsesses over me and our relationship. She's not dating anyone and prior to our 19 months of knowing of each other she hadn't been in a relationship in 9 years and she's only 34. And now I know why... .it's a lot of work to cycle through so many crazy and scary emotions with regards to loving/hating self, let alone loving/hating a SO... .

Like I said, I'm still green, but that's my theory. I'm sure others will weigh in... .

sixthsense

[Infared]

I know that my experience fits in here somehow...

When I met my ex... she had no decorating abilities at all... I am not judging her... just stating a fact... she had an old hunter green couch that the cats had torn to shreds, etc... .I put our home together... .

Fast forward 5 years... .she runs off with new supply and has "her own" place... I was there once.

I looked around and it was as if I had decorated the apt. She had taken "me" and used my persona to present herself to someone else... .and she just toyed with me and discarded me.

She had no identity of her own... .she used mine, but didn't want me. She used me to have an identity for him?

It's a  . I felt as though I had been turned inside out.

It makes no sense to rational minds... .but BPD's are very far from that end of the spectrum.

[Maternus]

I saw on the only thread that I could read (associated with her profile picture) where she had invoke a very clear JRT-ism including the unique way that I would type it. 

I don't know if my ex is still mirroring me, but she mirrored her ex-husband when we were together. Although she was painting him blacker than black, she still had habits and views she adopted from him. I think they collect the -isms of their partners to fill the emptiness in their own personality.

[JRT]

Yes. I can see the 'logic' in all of these perspectives. It really raised an eyebrow for me when I saw that little snippet that was very clearly a JRT-ism. Mine is a also a hermit/waif and I suspect that she has not replaced me either. I also do acknowledge that she loved me more than the world, there is no doubt about it, and very much admired me (I am not patting myself on the back at all, it was just the nature of the r/s) so it still blows my mind when I think of the way that it all ended. Although we NEVER argued or even really had disagreements, her rage is unmitigated. In fact, I think that she is more angry at me know that the day she took off.

On the other hand, I also can see this as something much less flattering. Looking back, beside her job, her son and some other qualities, there was very little that made her, her. She had a couple of hobbies that she never pursued, some interests that she also ignored and besides her job, there was very little of anything else. I found it very strange towards the end, that she wanted to learn my family's language at a college level, or she wanted to manage my business website (but did a horrible job) and wanted to travel to art shows selling prints of my photography and also converted to my faith. It was very much like all that was her, was part of me though I NEVER forced it upon her or even made the suggestion. ENGULFMENT!

So I can now confirm some of what triggered the b/u... .interesting that 6 months later she is imitating me AND her FB profile photo is a carbon copy of a unique shot that I had taken of her last Spring! This answers a question that I had had all along in wondering if she is obsessing over me at all or if she regarded me and the b/u as unceremoniously as a discarded used napkin - I always just figured that it was the former.

Welcome to the forum 6th Sense. There are a TON of resources here to help you learn an cope and people who are going through the same thing that want to help. Let me know if there is anything that I can do.

[BlueSunshine]

I think this can be equated to a bad BPD related habit. What I mean is, they don't all follow the same exact traits as I am sure you know but once you do see them exhibit one it remains pretty consistent. So for your ex, it is her normal.

My ex was a serial cheater and every time he cheated he mirrored me. It was pretty bizarre to hear about him from his affair partners, having them tell me things he said or did which were actually my past and my habits. I remember feeling like they must have thought I was just his deranged scorned wife, saying he's not from there, I am, etc., and thought that I was probably lying. It was so hideous.

I did ask him why he mirrored me, and he said I was far more interesting. He was a boring, worthless being (according to him, major self-loathing there) and no one would want him if they really knew him.

Highest form of flattery, right? Except, not really.

It's said that it is easy to lie about things you know really well, instead of making it up on a whim under pressure.

Sorry to hear you're going through it. Nothing like adding insult to injury and making you feel like your identity is being stolen (and people might not see it for what it really is and blame you). I would seriously try to find different work ASAP, if possible. Best of luck. 

[sixthsense]

Thanks for the word advice/caution Bluesunshine! You think my situation warrants switching jobs, huh? I have been contemplating it, but not very seriously. Maybe I should. I'm new to all this, but you may be right when you say this is "her normal".  I wouldn't have any idea since I've never been in a r/s with a pwBPD and have only known her 19 months out of her 34 years of living. I am surprised and confused by the mirroring and cyber stalking. So i guess the question is, is "her normal" going to escalate and get worse? That's why I've minimally entertained switching jobs. You gave me something to really seriously think about.

The worst form of flattery is more like it. Stole my identity so to speak, administered silent treatment and painted me black... .bizarre indeed!

Thanks again! BTW, cheaters never win! 

sixthsense

[Turkish]

The mirroring can be frustrating, even maddening, especially if we were hurt in our r/s, and perhaps deeply if we got no closure, or if they've moved on, seemingly happier.

My Ex was never a morning person, but with my replacement, she's into getting up early and exercising. I was always up at least 2 hours before her (D2 is like me, up in an instant and going strong, while S5 is like trying to wake the dead... .maybe something genetic there?).

Aside from perhaps odd seeming behaviors and lingering attachment, perhaps she learned something from you? It varies from r/s to r/s, but I think each partner takes something from the other. Two become one for a while, after all.

[JRT]

 but I think each partner takes something from the other. Two become one for a while, after all. [/quote]
Funny... .thats one of the things that I have noticed: there is little or nothing at all that represents my ex's influence at all... .not in my personality, my body of knowledge and experiences, my house, etc. Its almost like she was never in my life at all. I never realized how little she was contributing but isn't that they nature of them? Its no wonder that I find mine doing writing, saying and doing things that I would do.

[Infared]

but I think each partner takes something from the other. Two become one for a while, after all.

Funny... .thats one of the things that I have noticed: there is little or nothing at all that represents my ex's influence at all... .not in my personality, my body of knowledge and experiences, my house, etc. Its almost like she was never in my life at all. I never realized how little she was contributing but isn't that they nature of them? Its no wonder that I find mine doing writing, saying and doing things that I would do. [/quote]
This was my experience, too.

[Hadlee]

Heya sixthsense,

Ya'll situation resonates.  I can relate.  I am 10 months out of my relationship with a BPD/npd who works for my corporation also.  Similarly to you I am only at our workplace a maximum of three days per week.  The remainder of the time I am on the road.

My ex replaced me with a distant relative of mine whilst we were making attempts at fixin our relationship.  I too know the mirroring of my likes is still in place.

If ya'll don't care to elaborate more on the cyber stalking you speak of and your exes obsession?  The prospect has crossed my mind about my ex.  Do ya'll have a Human Resource department to report your concerns?  Would appreciate ya'll advise on how to manage such a situation. 

Sincerely,

Busygall

[JRT]

If ya'll don't care to elaborate more on the cyber stalking you speak of and your exes obsession?  [/quote]
I think that that's an invitation to everyone?

Although mine painted me black and cut me off 6 months ago and has not spoken a word to me since, she appears to be becoming even angrier as time goes by by virtue of some subtleties. I created a ruse (long story) to see if she was stalking my FB profile around 3 months ago and caught her red handed (might be one of the reasons why she is angry).

Even though I shouldn't have, I checked out her FB profile a little while ago. All I could see is her background picture and her main photo and accompanying thread. In one of her posts, she said something that was an unmistakable JRT-ism. She even spelled it the unique way that I do. To go along with it, her photo was pretty much a replica of one that I shot of her from a unique perspective.

I blew it off until I saw this thread but I am still not really clear on what HER intent was if any. At the same time, she refused to accept some belongings of hers that I had offered to return through her sister. I saw that as sustained anger/need for control/power.

[Hadlee]

JRT thanks ya'll for the reply.  

Sorry to read of your troubles.  Your experience sounds hideous.  

Sixthsense intrigued me with cyber stalking and exes obsession.  Elaborating on that aspect further could potentially assist me in knowing what oddities my ex may be carrying out behind me within our corporation.  I wish to hear some more  

 

Sincerely,

Busygall