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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: What's lurking around the corner? Irrational belief?  (Read 191 times)
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated since 10/2014. Divorce will be finalized 10/2015.
Posts: 266

« on: March 11, 2015, 12:27:42 PM »

So things have been going really well.  Almost too well, as I've started to think.  I had a birthday recently and it was the best one I can remember for quite some time.  Things at work are going very well.  And things in my downtime are going great also.  I think a lot of this stems from getting used to the cycle with my ex.  Whenever things were "good," I began to anticipate the bad.  Because inevitably I would do or say something to make everything come spiraling back down to the dysfunction that was the "normal" of our relationship.  But here's the thing, she's not around anymore to blame me or torment me.  And with no contact, I can control how I handle any future interaction with her so there's no chance of her sticking her head back in my business and it somehow ruining my day again.  Soo... .

Why can't I accept the good for what it is and be content with it?  Why do I have to concern myself more for what's coming than just enjoy what I have while I have it?  Life is full of ups and downs, I get that, but why do I feel like I'm somehow responsible or not worthy of good things if things in my life start to sour again?  Though I highly doubt things will ever get as sour as those first few months after the b/u.  And no universe, that is not a challenge.  ::knocks on wood::

Have any of you experienced these feelings?  Do any of you feel like there's something just waiting to come around the corner that will smack you back down to earth?  If so, how have you dealt with it?

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 827

« Reply #1 on: March 15, 2015, 01:06:33 PM »

I wish I could come up with something really wise to say, but I have nothing.  I'm in the same position a lot of the time.  Maybe it comes with lots of practice meditating.

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: He moved out mid March
Posts: 2583

« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2015, 01:31:51 PM »

Hi RockyLove,

This sucks!  Yes, I've been there.  I either anticipate bad or sometimes will subconsciously sabotage the good.

It is like I feel unworthy of having things be good.  Sometimes feeling really good can make me scared, that there may be a price to pay.  Or it can make me feel guilty, that I do not deserve it.

Do you feel truly worthy of things going well?

Do you believe that you deserve every bit of it?

Or maybe you have just been conditioned that it means something bad will follow?

Over time, as you have more and more positive experiences, and bad does not follow, you will naturally trust that there is not a bomb with your name on it waiting to explode.  It will slowly undo your conditioning to expect bad.  Be mindful for every time that bad does not follow to ingrained this result into you.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.~Anais Nin
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 159

« Reply #3 on: March 15, 2015, 02:24:00 PM »

I feel as all of you. I think it's because you get used to these feelings when being with your ex. You somehow expect life to be like that, even some time after your expwBPD. The anxiety still lingers. I wouldn't call it PTSD but I think it could be in some way similar to that. I got the final discard in July, developed adrenal fatigue in August and my levels of anxiety have only now decreased. I mind you: after nearly 8 months. We all need to heal and I think it's a sign that we aren't heeled yet. At least not fully. It takes some time I guess.

Retired Staff
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 3959

« Reply #4 on: March 15, 2015, 09:43:23 PM »

I think we get conditioned to expect the other shoe will drop eventually once we have experienced a r/s with a pwBPD and it may go back further than that into family situations.

Your question reminds me of something I read from Brene Brown and I wanted to share it with you.

Calling joy “terrifying” may seem strange, but Dr. Brown explains that the fear stems from having our joy taken away. “How many of you have ever sat up and thought, ‘Wow, work’s going good, good relationship with my partner, parents seem to be doing okay. Holy crap. Something bad’s going to happen'?” she asks. “You know what that is? [It’s] when we lose our tolerance for vulnerability. Joy becomes foreboding: 'I’m scared it’s going to be taken away. The other shoe’s going to drop…' What we do in moments of joyfulness is, we try to beat vulnerability to the punch.”

To illustrate this point, Dr. Brown shares a poignant story about a man she interviewed who admitted to her that he never allowed himself to be too joyful about anything in life. Then his wife of 40 years was killed in a car accident. Dr. Brown remembers him saying, “The second I realized [my wife] was gone, the first thing I thought was, ‘I should have leaned harder into those moments of joy. Because that did not protect me from what I feel right now.’”

Truly joyful people, Dr. Brown says, do not allow fear to take away from fully experiencing joy. “They don’t say, ‘That’s a shudder of terror about feeling joyful. I’m going to dress-rehearse tragedy,’” she says. “They say, ‘I’m going to practice gratitude… Gratitude is a practice. It is tangible.’”

Lean into joy.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” ~Jacob M. Braude
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up, I left her
Posts: 5642

« Reply #5 on: March 15, 2015, 10:02:23 PM »

Maritime metaphor anyone?

What if living life is like being in a small boat in the ocean, bouncing among the waves, sometimes the sea is stormy, sometimes calm, sometimes we catch a tailwind and surf down the backside of swells going 'wheee', sometimes we get slammed and spend our time baling, going backwards.  And maybe the key is to enjoy the good seas, deal with the bad ones best we can, but most importantly never lose site of the horizon; life is a journey not a destination, although happiness is created by progress, better to pick a point and aim for it than paddle in circles all day.  Now you may say lousy metaphor, the ocean is immense and uncontrollable, like life, although what if there is a plan?  What if the seas are calm when they need to be, raging when we're ready?  What if the next lesson is over the next swell and we're right where we're supposed to be?

And then when something like a borderline comes along and capsizes the boat, we go nowhere for a while, barely holding on, losing ground, floundering, but we eventually right the boat, get back in it, bale it out, and find that spot on the horizon again.  And ever notice how awesome it feels to be in that boat again, dry and moving forward?  We appreciate things more when we lose them and get them back.  And everything happens for a reason.
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