How did you walk away?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I know my relationship has no chance of long term happiness. I want to walk away, but can't detach emotionally and keep recycling - each time I recycle the relationship dilutes a bit more in tgat my partner seems more aloof. My T says I will just know when the time is right, but there have been some awful times and I still go back as I miss my partner so much. I have never experienced this before, I can usually walk away from unhealthy relationships without too much trouble.

For those who have walked away and stayed away - how did you get your mindset round to doing it and maintaining it?

I know I sound weak and pathetic, but any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

[Loosestrife]

I know my relationship has no chance of long term happiness. I want to walk away, but can't detach emotionally and keep recycling - each time I recycle the relationship dilutes a bit more in tgat my partner seems more aloof. My T says I will just know when the time is right, but there have been some awful times and I still go back as I miss my partner so much. I have never experienced this before, I can usually walk away from unhealthy relationships without too much trouble.

For those who have walked away and stayed away - how did you get your mindset round to doing it and maintaining it?

I know I sound weak and pathetic, but any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

[fromheeltoheal]

how did you get your mindset round to doing it and maintaining it?

By focusing on the unacceptable stuff that caused you to walk away to begin with.  We have mixed emotions in these relationships, obviously, so we need to be diligent and focus on all of the unacceptable behaviors we tolerated; it's best to write them down, make a list, and the list will grow as we remember things, and read it as many times a day as you need to, to keep your focus on what you know is right intellectually but fight with in your heart.

And really it's your internal struggle.  The relationship becomes more diluted every time you go back because you have abandoned your partner, the worst thing that can happen to a borderline, so more trust is eroded away each time, and you will never get back to where you were in the beginning.  So it's not about the relationship anymore, not the way it is, it's about your internal conflict; it is also helpful to dig deep to discover why you continue to chase something your partner could never provide.  Where does that drive come from?

[tjay933]

I didn't have a choice. it was my sanity or his way. no in between. I just couldn't take it anymore and knew if I didn't split that would be the end of there being any me here. not physically but as a person. he took over and destroyed anything that made me me and I couldn't give any more-there was nothing left to give. there is live after them you know. i'm here   and growing as living proof of that.

[sun seeker]

Hi looses

You surely do not sound weak and pathetic. You sound like all of us. Hurt, angry, sad , confused and you have every right to be. Bpd r/s are highly traumatic.

How I  walked away you ask. I had to hit my (rock bottom first) when i walked there wasnt even a fight on my part. . My dexBPDgf called while she was on a alcoholic binder and said.

Her: I havnt eating in days can you Pease bring some food over.

me: of course I will

When I showed up she ate and then said

Her: I really need to stop drinking please dont leave me (pet name) I love you so much.

me: I love you too. Your life depends on it ( the stop drinking)

Her: You where not supposed to stay with me this long. ( this is where I felt my bottom)

All this was calm until   she raged

her: Get out of my house

I just got up calmly and started to leave as the door was closing

Her screaming: ill just call another boy...

When I got home I texted only this" im changing my number"

I did and blocked all social media and unfriended an mutual acquaintances. Boom n/c ever since and im am so so so much better off now. Single and happy again. Life is getting better.all the time. Your T is corect you will know when its time. (Or your rock  bottom) no matter what you have to keep 100 % n/c no creeping on fb or dating sites .your need to heal yourself and complete and totall N/C is the  best way to.start this process.

I wish you the best of luck. We are always here if you need to talk.

[Invictus01]

She dropped me out of nowhere. For the first few weeks I was in a such a crappy place mentally, I don't even know how to describe it. I'd say somewhere in the neighborhood of "suicidal" would be a good description. Then a friend of mine suggested I read up on personality disorders. The more I was reading, the more I was realizing I didn't have a choice but to walk away even though walking away from "the soul mate" just kills you inside.

[Loosestrife]

Thanks  for your replies and sorry you have been through rough times too  

I have made a list of the major bad times and how they made me feel in readiness. I am trying to stay out of the FOG but finding that in itself hard as I think my self esteem has taken a huge beating. I think I just hoped I could make it work, and save the waif I love, but I know I can't fix mental disorder (or I would be rich).

Thank you for the living proof  

[LimboFL]

Loosestrife,

That is a tough one to answer. I probably would never have walked if I catch her lining up the replacement. At that point, I packed my stuff and ran. She was shocked and angered that I left and expected me to stick around. She told such elaborate lies. The walls of the entire belief that she would stay true to her word of being honest and forthcoming came crashing down that day.

I had my part to play, two tech companies I worked for went belly up in a year but I still managed to pay 3/4 of the bills, pay for food for her dogs etc. But it did strain things. My view was that a loving couple sticks together when times get tough. I did for her. I bailed her out of a coke binged existence, her getting kicked out of her apartment etc. Whenever I would do something wrong, she would always say "it's when the chips are down that you see people's true character" I threw that back at her when she decided to find my replacement.

I just had a two day mini recycle because yes, even the strongest succumb. I had no choice because her dog had a massive stroke and she needed help getting the beautiful dog that I cared for to the vet. She has no car. I did that and almost got sucked back into being the care taker, driving her to work and back, going to her apartment (that was filthy) to care for the dog and what would have end up with more financial expense, just when I don't need it. Found a new job, got a new car. I asked her twice in the first day if she was dating anyone and she said no. I caught her in the lie (he lives out of town and they met just the week before. Maybe her leaving her dog so that she could go on an out of town jaunt caused enough stress to cause the stroke). I was at her apartment and was getting ready to actually clean up when I accidentally found a receipt (on top of some papers that were needed to do another chore she had asked) I texted her that she would have to find her own ride home and that I was not coming back. There is a lot more to this story, but the entire foundation of my anger was that she lied. We weren't together so while it bothered me that she would at a resort with this idiot, I made it all about the lie.

I told her never to contact me again. It hurt briefly because the first night she love bombed me but good and I fell into head first. I was craving it.

Now I am done, completely. The lies, the manipulation, the insults, the put downs, the rages all of it. Done! She is not in good shape financially, her dog is dying, her man clearly isn't offering her financial help (she likely isn't asking), she was supposed to get a roommate but decided not to so she is paying the entire rent that I paid for almost 2 years, until I finally said she had to start paying. She claims she is leaving town, saw the boxes but nothing packed. She works at a very good retail business but the hourly is low, commissions high, so she has to be selling. Her place is a barren mess. I have locked out all of the guilt. I can't feel guilty for her anymore. Guilt kept me crying so many times, knowing that she has this disorder but why should I feel sorry for someone who can be so cold and callous, who can dispose of me for the replacement, at a drop of a hat?

I love her dog. She followed me around our apartment for three years, every step I took she was there. For the two days I was there, she perked up. I did take her to the vet and even paid. The hardest part is squashing the guilt about the dog, but I wasn't the one that left her with who knows who while I went off on a three day weekend jaunt with some guy, who lives out of town and still with his "ex wife" and kids.

How did I walk away? Only when the infraction was blatant infidelity and absolutely mind blowing lies. If she hadn't found a replacement and made it so obvious, I would have kept on dealing with the rest. I felt strong enough to do so, even though I knew that I was damaged by it all, the four years of almost constant disapproval mixed in with brief moments of kindness and gentility (this is what kept me in there - seeing the beauty under the sludge) I will always love her and will miss the beauty but I consider it an absolute blessing that I found the proof needed to confirm once and for all that she was, despite all promises to the contrary, an absolute master at lying. I haven't bother to go back to far to review where else she might have lied. I don't believe she ever really cheated on me but she did feed her ego who knows how many times by taking things too far with men, flirting too hard, developing too close a relationship. I put a stop to a number of them.

Without the straw that broke the camels back, most of us, if who were in these relationships for a long time, could not have walked away unless one of our set in stone codes were broken. When she reached out to me, about her dog, I was out, my head had essentially forgotten the pain, then I was back in, briefly thank God. There was even push pull in the two days I was with her, love bombing then complete retreat, but I was there to help her. Lying about her dating someone was something I was not going to accept and I saved myself a tremendous amount of grief and multiple expenses.

I still love her deeply. I if I could have the pure lady, I would go back even though she was never my exact type.

Maybe you need to dig deeper to find something that will trigger you to want to run. I can't tell you what that is, only you can. Unless you are incensed enough, simply saying I am walking away is almost impossible. You don't want to leave them, you empathize, you wanted to be the one to make their life better, you understood how much pain they are in and your love wants to soothe it. You wanted to be the man that didn't run, but in the end you can't change them, you can't save them and they will continue to hurt you, so at a certain point you have to save yourself or go down with the ship. She has always survived but she has really painted herself into a corner this time and is dealing with a dying dog, who has been her only stable companion for 16 years. I have to fight not to hurt and cry about that but I can't do anything about it. I can’t save the dog or her.

Sorry, I guess this sounds like it was all about me. While I am purging, it is also about how I walked away and why. You have to find the trigger that will force you to say that enough is enough. Until you either get angry enough or find that trigger walking away will be very difficult.

I wish you strength!

[Mr.Downtrodden]

wow, Limbo FL, I can totally relate to many of the things you said, including this wisdomic gem:

"Beauty under the sludge"... .

My ex is also beautiful, she sort of downplays it when you compliment her in loving tones, but she knows how to work her looks and intelligence to get what she needs - attention and validation. She reeled me in via her soft seductive manner -  Slow and sure, over time, the way a true potential life long loving relationship is supposed to unfold.  My dream girl at last!

It is only when the cracks start to show in a r/s that you start to see what she is hiding. coming to grips with admitting that what you see is counterproductive, and bad for YOU - therein lies the dilemma that plagues nearly all of us non's.  How low you plummet can only be answered when you reach that point. And, accept it.

I have never posted on here as to why I finally admitted total and utter defeat - to this day I am still very affected by what transpired the last time we were together.  She had decided that she couldn't be in a r/s with me, or anyone else, despite numerous beggings for apologies each time she cheated and lied to cover things up. By then, her self-reflection of preferring to be the center of the universe for numerous male orbiters had become a painful reality, one she tried her darndest to hide from me, because these actions didn't concern me - delusional, irrational, non-linear perceptions of reality. One she got herself accidentally pregnant, it was just about impossible to deny what I found out from former ex BFs, who still had FWB contact with her.  :)evastated, I was.

Yet I tried to be friends, because when she isn't full-on drinking, she is a fun, down to earth girl, and will truly be interested in you, unlike most BPDs who are more interested in themselves.  I truly believed she wanted a r/s, but because of her disorder she realized she couldn't.  i gave her a dream / potential, one that could not be realized.  She did admit this when the r/s was abandoned - it never officially ended  No fight, no raging.  I never saw her in full on rage mode.  I'd see her get very irritated with her mom, as they are in a constant push / pull / blame war.

When my next rebound type attempt at a r/s failed badly (a sociopath or waif BPD, not sure at this juncture), my BPD ex and i kept in touch, she helped me by listening and being a good friend.  In turn, her new-found mom status had made an impression on her to change her old ways - she told me she was trying to be responsible to her child as a single mom - she wants nothing to do at all with the father. She still struggles with drinking, and I'm not exactly sure what she is doing with other guys, but she had said she has too much responsibility now to act the way she had done - another reason why, disorder or not - cheating is a choice.

My ex and i met up for the first time in 16 months last summer.  i had not seen her since the last time I was at her place, we hugged and she said we'd see each other again soon - another promise from her that turned out as unkept.  We met up for a day and had a lot of fun.  As the day turned into night we both had been drinking all day.  i kept a nice buzz going.  i didn't realize how strong it was until the end of the night as we headed back to our room.  

On the walk back, I remember two or three guys coming up to us and getting in between her and i as we were walking,  One offered to sell some coke (not the drink, mind you).  My ex immediately asked in a stern and direct vocal tone as to "how much".  Now, I wish I could have just whisked her away before using bad judgement, but I was on a delay-reaction from drinking.  i remember telling one of the dudes that his price was too much.  Next thing i knew they were gone, and my ex was asking me for her money wallet.  i didn't have it.  She insisted that she gave it to me.  But she did not.  i told her that she never gave it to me.  The shady dudes made off with her wallet, which was full of cash and other important stuff.  i was stunned.  It happened so FAST. Another guy hanging out on the street came up to me and started to tell me that he knew who those guys were, he'd put the word out on the street, etc.  Telling me that he could at least try and get her phone back which was also gone.  He said he saw th ewhole thing go down... next thing I know, he is yelling at me to go get my ex.  She had run after two guys down the other end of the block.  from where I was standing i could see her walk right up to two guys and command "Give me back my money... " several times.  The guys kept walking, and then my ex started to unleash a flurry of punches onto one of the guys.  I immediately started to run toward them, my heart racing.  My buzz was long gone. Fear took its place. Expletives were yelled and ten the guy grabbed my ex and threw her hard to the ground.  As i was mid-stride closing in, I saw and heard the sound of her head hitting the pavement.  My heart went through my feet.  I ran to her and took her hand, her eyes opened and she sid she was alright.  thank god.  i have never been so worried for anyone in my life.  My thoughts were of her child who was back at her home.  What would i do if something terrible happened?

I quickly sought to quell the anger of the two guys, apologizing,saying she made a mistake, she was upset from having been robbed, etc.  My ex was convinced the two guys were involved; me, I had no idea, and why would they have been hanging around anyway after robbing her?  Made no sense.  the rest of the night was surreal, my ex wandered off on me to find a police station, I had to go look for her and found her casually chatting with a homeless guy on some other street.  i got her to come back with me, she apologized yet could not understand how the situation could have happened because she is always in control of what she does.  for me it was the first time i saw her in full on bad judgement / impulsive  mode.  I had seen traces of it, always when drinking heavily, were' she'd get flirty with a stranger, but not in a rage mode.  now, it made sense what her ex's had relayed, how she would get violent.  She never as much raised her voice to me, even after what transpired. She approached the whole thig like it was something routine.  i did reprimand her telling her this crap has got to stop because she is a mom now.  and she agreed.

I thought she was making progress. i thought she had toned down impulsiveness for the sake of her kid.  The illusion finally shattered like glass into a million shards that night. I even tried to get her phone back, when we found the guy who got it back, all of her stuff had been deleted and she broke down.  i felt helpless and wanted to comfort her but I couldn't even do that. i felt like i had completely failed her.  Where I should really feel angry (and i did cycle from feeling upset / sad to angry in a vicious circle for many months).

And that is why I can't bring myself to go back.  NC 7 months now, after she didn't answer my call to see hoe she was feeling days later.  Which tells me indirectly that i am now a trigger / reminder for a very bad event, and probably blamed for the entire thing to her family and friends.  Painted black forever.  It's sad because I truly do care about her and her well-being.  But there is nothing else i can do now.  I'm a changed person, not for the better, either. I'm  keeping to myself, shutting out people... .i never want to have that feeling ever again.  no relationship is worth it anymore. i still have bad days, pine for her touch, her voice... .

I feel like someone died, namely me. That is what a r/s with a BPD partner can do to you. I have a hole in my soul now that can't be filled.  I can only try to forge ahead. And the only people who could understand are those folks on this forum.

Thank you all for being "here".  I may not be around  more from this point as I've got to try and distance myself from the trauma.  

[LimboFL]

Wow loosestrife, your story hit some incredible heart strings in me, not only because you both went through that but because it truly reminded me of my own ex. The blow, the impulsive behavior, the out of control behavior. Fortunately, I was never around to be part of anything that dramatic and heart wrenching but I knew things like this happened. She would come back with stories after a night out, nights when I would come home and she wouldn't be there, no note, no text responses. She would come home completely wasted. She was still dressed and kept but only the clothes. Her face was completely worked with booze and drugs. I am no saint, I did my share, so I was not judging.

I pulled her out of that though. I still drink like a sailor and way too much. Unfortunately, my tolerance is ridiculously high, so I can just keep pouring stiff rum and cokes down my gullet until the wee hours and still be standing. At 47 this is no longer a badge of honor, although I do appreciate the fact that I can hold it. There were numerous times when she would react to someone at the bar and I would cool things down.

She got arrested once at an airport (her mom was dying so she had reason to be distraught). I arrived at the receiving airport to pick her up and nothing, last flight arrived for the night. I was very worried. Called her Mom and sister, no one knew. The next day I get a call from a bail bonds men telling me that my ex was being released. While she didn't rip into me, she did called me irresponsible for calling her Mom and Sister. I was like What the heck? don't you understand that I bloody love you and that when my partner isn't on the last plane in and that I have no word from her that this is going to send me into a tail spin?

So, I feel you my friend. Right now she is trying to keep her self under control because she is on probation from her arrest (they downgraded the charges but still) However, her dog and companion for 16 years is dying and I don't think she is going to deal with it very well. I can't be there for it. Let her new man bare the brunt. I would be there but would only be rejected either then and there or after.

In your case, I believe that you are shouldering too much guilt. She was responsible for engaging with the dealers and then going after them. My ex had a temper the size of the sun. I remember when a neighbor of ours got angry that our dog was walking in the communal yard and pee'd. The neighbor went off, but then my ex just exploded, I had to hold her back but when she was like that it was near impossible, she picked up our dogs crap put it in a bag, ran to the neighbors apartment and threw the bag into the apartment. Here I am trying to calm everything down and I managed to. The risk was setting my ex off in my direction. Then I spent the next 4 hours listening to her rage about how she won't take that. It was insane. My point is that when they fly off like that there is absolutely nothing you can or could have done. They hurt themselves. You were simply a witness but yes I do believe that we end up as triggers to some level. if we are there, we remind them, but let go of the guilt.

Gotta run.

[apollotech]

Loosestrife,

I think your T is correct; when the time comes you will walk. However, keep in mind that the longer you stay in a dysfunctional/unhealthy relationship the deeper and more extensive the damage to yourself becomes. I don't believe that your T's statement is an exit that you should be waiting for.

In order to gain some clarity as to what is going on in the relationship and to see the true character of your SO you will have to some degree disengage emotionally, not an easy thing to do. Once rational thought comes into the majority of thinking it creates a cascade effect... .once unseen/unknown dots can now be connected to flesh out a true picture of what is actually occurring. For me this occurred when I started focusing on my BPDexgf's actions rather than placing weight on her words. The discrepancy between their actions and words causes a lot of chaos and confusion for the Non. It's much like a magic act: the magician is able to perform the trick because the audience's attention is focused elsewhere, at the magician's discretion I might add. We, the Non's, are swept up in the idealization stage; it is truly like a drug. Idealization too is a manifestation of the BPD disorder, therefore, not real.

Watch her actions. Are her actions those of someone that truly cares for you? Or, are her actions selfish? Are her actions manipulative to achieve an end result? Are her actions helping to maintain/build the relationship? Or, are her actions destroying the relationship? Is she someone that you can have peace with in your life (this was a huge deciding factor for me)? Is she someone that is worthy and appreciative of you in her life? A pwBPD can only maintain a false facade for so long. Watch her actions and you'll find the truth. Once found, put yourself first (Take care of yourself for a change instead of her.) and take action accordingly. You are 100% responsible for your well being.

[rjones91]

I didn't have much of a choice but to walk away and stay away. I caught her cheating on me and she got physically violent with me. Her first and last time putting her hands on me. It's been exactly 77 days since the breakup and I had to go complete NC. I miss the idea of our good days, but knowing she has been with 6 others (that I know of) since us... .allows me to continue moving forward, as this is the only choice I gave myself.

You are gonna have to dig real deep within and find a way to re-value yourself and put ALL the focus back on loving you. But first be completely honest with yourself and your feelings. And don't beat yourself up any more than you may already have.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Loosestrife, When the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, change is possible in my view.  The problem is, the longer you stay in a BPD r/s, the more depleted you become and it gets harder and harder to marshall the energy to leave when one is in a depressed state.  Fortunately some kind friends and family members intervened when they saw that I couldn't do it on my own.  Without them, I might have drowned in the toxic BPD soup.  LuckyJim

[Pingo]

I left the r/s when I realised that nothing was ever going to change and I could not imagine living the rest of my life in such unhappiness and stress.  I left to save myself and it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make. What helped me garner the strength was finding a good T, talking to my friends and telling them for the first time what kind of hellish r/s I was in, & recognising the addiction part of the r/s.  Reading and learning about the trauma bond was pivotal for me. Life changing! I found the book 'The Betrayal Bond' by Patrick Carnes and I realised that I had been trying to let my emotions lead my decisions which kept bringing me back to wanting to save the r/s break because it hurt so damn much... .I came to understand that, as an addiction, the only way to recover is to make the clean break and walk away... .Like LuckyJim said, when the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, change is possible!

[Loosestrife]

Thanks, this is all really helpful I appreciate you taking the time to share your experiences and sending hugs all round. I will look up the betrayal bond book  

[Madison66]

Really great question and I have to believe it's different for everyone.  I went through three recycles in my 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  I was the one that left the r/s each time and I didn't understand what was really happening.  The emotional abuse and chaos were thick!  I would return with the false hope that things could improve or that it was mostly or all my fault and if I worked at it hard enough things would change.  Obviously, it only got worse and I was getting more and more fed up.  I was also doing individual T and becoming aware of the abuse and understanding how unhappy I was dealing with it. 

So, a couple months before I finally walked I stopped our third attempt at couple's T.  I couldn't sit there and have all the craziness rationalized and turned around on me any longer.  Then, about four weeks later I encountered the first instance of physical abuse by her towards me.  I was shocked and at the same time felt a force come over me to protect and guide me.  Not surprisingly, a few weeks later there was more emotional abuse and I felt that force again push me out the door.  The next day, she showed up at my house pretty much oblivious to what went down the day prior.  She didn't like my response and she got physical with me the final and last time.  I kicked her out of my life and she then did some damage to my home as she left.  This was in front of her 10 year old daughter.

The complicating factor was that we lived on the same block, just about five houses apart.  That made n/c tough.  She attempted to fake an illness, use her young kids to attempt to lure or shame me back and several other "fun" things.  While I was sad about the loss of the r/s, I was also in full protection mode and wouldn't give her an inch to slither back in.  There was almost an immediate replacement and a constant line of replacements.  Again, my resolve to not allow her back in my life was strong!

So, here is my take on how I walked away in the most healthy and self supporting way:

1. A number of months before I left the r/s, I began taking care of myself by seeing a T who helped me in so many ways!

2. I was clear with myself and with my ex gf that the r/s was over and that I wanted absolutely no contact.  I cut ties with her and with her kids.  That was so hard, but I knew the whole "pod" was sick!  I maintained n/c religiously.  N/c means n/c and that's it.  With kids or during a divorce, that is obviously different.

3. I wrote down over 17 pages of the craziness that went on during the r/s.  I was shocked as I read my own words that I had allowed myself to participate.  I then shared this document with four friends and family members.  This helped to create a support network and also created accountability for my actions and to help me stay clear of the r/s.  For me, this was hugely important in helping me be gone and stay gone!

4. I worked with my T weekly and then monthly to deal with my issues and help me understand that this was about "me" and not about "her".  That inward focus helped me grow immensely during a really challenging time.  I learned lessons that will stay with me forever!

5. I started living my f-ing life again!  This was also huge.

6. I also kept a journal going and let the feeling flow onto the paper freely so I could process, heal and detach.

7. I come back to this board from time to time to help me remain aware of what I participated in and to also "pay it forward" a bit if I can help anyone who is going through something similar to what I experienced.

I'm sure there is more to share, but all I can tell you is that after being out of the r/s for nearly 16 months I am happier and at more peace than at any other time in my life.  Again, it is about me and not her.  I made the decision to leave the r/s for many reasons.  The largest of which was so that I could work on myself and be the best father, friend, brother, lover, employee, etc.  I also understand that the ripple effect of that decision on the rest of my life and those I choose to have in my life will go on and on and on.  Good luck and keep posting here!

[nowwhatz]

Loosestrife

I have felt the same way many times. You are definetly not weak or pathetic.

It took me 4 years of history repeating itself over and over before I finally was ready.  It hurts like hell and I struggle with anger and grieving every day but it is getting better.  Just today I wrestled with myself to not try to do anything to get back at her.  Thankfully for the very first time I am not doing anything that could prompt her to come back to me again... .even more important than not getting back at her is not getting her back!

Your T is 100% correct... .we will walk away when it is time.  You will know when it is time to walk away.

My exgf is following the exact same pattern after every breakup with me... .feverishly seeking out a new host.  A parasite does what they have to do to survive. When a person takes on the characteristics and behavior of a parasite when they have options to get help and refuse it is sad and pitiful but is that the kind of behavior we need to subject ourselves to?

[parisian]

Loosestrife there are several things that keep us in a r/s with a BPD. Sometimes we have financial enmeshment (joint assets), children and so on. It is always harder to untangle those complications I think. If there are no complications like that, it gets down to our own co-dependency issues.

We fear being alone more than we fear staying.

We make excuses for their behaviour and think that if only we put in more time, effort, money, love, understanding, patience or caring, that things will get better. They will never get better without years and years of therapy and even then, there is only 'improvement', not recovery.

You are not a loser. We have all been where you are.

I was the one that called it off. I recycled once and for the whole 2 years we were together, after the idealization phase, the relationship just kept going downhill. It was never going to be consistently in a good place, our love (my love really) was never going to grow and change for her. Things just got worse and worse. I kept a journal over all that time and in the end, had a massive list of all the awful things she had done.

One night she was due to come over to my house for dinner. I remember suddenly noticing I had the most awful anxiety about her visit that night - and realized that was a common occurence for me. I realized how wrong it was to feel like that when you're supposed to be catching up with the person you love. How you should be excited and happy and looking forward to spending time together. I realized I was dreading it and my body was actually telling me that. I just hadn't listened to that for such a long time. It made me so sad and terrified me that I was in something that was so damaging for me.

It took me about half an hour to decide I could no longer stand to feel that way. So I called it off that night. I walked away.

I was crushed and a shell of the former happy person I once was. I wish that I had left things the first time, and not gone back for more punishment.

You will be ready to walk once you start doing work on your co-dependency issues, and realise the responsibility you have to you, of taking care of you first. I wish you well.

[Lucky Jim]

I realized I was dreading it and my body was actually telling me that. I just hadn't listened to that for such a long time.

Well said, parisian.  So true for me, too.  I got into trouble by ignoring what my body was telling me, but I think you have to ignore your gut feelings in order to stay in a BPD r/s.  LuckyJim

[going places]

I know my relationship has no chance of long term happiness. I want to walk away, but can't detach emotionally and keep recycling - each time I recycle the relationship dilutes a bit more in tgat my partner seems more aloof. My T says I will just know when the time is right, but there have been some awful times and I still go back as I miss my partner so much. I have never experienced this before, I can usually walk away from unhealthy relationships without too much trouble.

For those who have walked away and stayed away - how did you get your mindset round to doing it and maintaining it?

I know I sound weak and pathetic, but any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

YOU are not weak or pathetic.

How did I get to the mindset?

When I went to see an advocate that explained to me I was being abused.

When I sat down with the ex and explained to him how his affair, addiction, and lies were destroying me, and how we needed to seek out legit counseling (not some wack job pastor/counsleor).

And when he stared through me; blamed me for everything; and said that *I* was crazy?

I knew it was not getting better; that he was waiting for me to file so he wasn't the bad guy.

My youngest daughter left for boot camp.

My oldest daughter was miserable.

My son told me our house, was not a home.

I could feel my adult children suffering because I was trying to 'do the right thing' (married 25 years).

1. Finding out that I had been traumatically abused.

2. Knowing he didn't care, and would never change.

3. Realizing my whole life was a big fat lie.

4. Approaching 50 and not getting any younger.

5. Realizing that I AM WORTH MORE than rubies.

6. Realizing he only stayed because he was too much of a puke to file (he wants to be able to say "well YOU filed for divorce"... .whatever loser)

7. Realizing I CAN DO ANYTHING I want. *I* can be a home owner. *I* can open my own business and be successful, as *I* determine successful. *I* can move ANYWHERE in the world I want. *I* am an amazing person who has gifts and talents... .

I filed April 15, 2014.

He stayed in the home.

The abuse, continued.

The divorce was final June 15, 2014

He stayed in the home, and it went up for sale.

July 7th I said "GET OUT" I could not take the abuse any longer.

That was the last time I saw his face.

August I blocked him from all social media and my phone. He could only contact me via email.

I STILL STRUGGLED and he still tried (and sometimes succeed) in manipulating me.

There was never any "I love you I miss you can we work it out".

HE WAS MAD that he signed the divorce papers w/o reading them... .

But in October... .I started to come out of the fog.

January, I started looking for a new home in Florida.

February the house sold and me and the kids moved out into an apartment.

I hate emailing with him (tying up loose ends) because it's a reminder that he NEVER loved me and he has replaced me and the kids (only talks to 1 out of 3 and BLAMES ME that the other 2 won't talk to him).

It makes me feel sick, then it goes.

Used to put me down for a day or two.

Now it's just a couple of hours or less... .

I stay focused on ME and where I am going. What MY potential is.

I pray, a lot.

[raisins3142]

Most people aren't particularly fond of conflict or hurting someone we care for.

If this relationship is hurting as much as you say, then I will reiterate what I've said in other threads: take care of you in anyway possible so long as you do not break the law or do something truly immoral that will always haunt you.

Imagine if you were stuck in a car sinking in a river, you would likely break out a window to escape.

What I mean is, if you have to then break up over the phone and make it short and sweet and then go no contact.  Then perhaps write a letter to give them more reasons or a longer parting message.  Or whatever iteration on that point.

If it is: do a super intense face to face and slow detachment that you don't feel you can do VS. stay in a relationship that is killing you... .then the choice for me is clear.

Take care of yourself, you only have one life.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey going places, I admire your courage.  Your post was extremely moving to me.  I have been there and done that.  Separated from my Ex at age 53, divorced at 55.  Two kids.  It's the hardest thing I've ever done, but also the best thing on many levels.  No more abuse.  I care too much about myself now to ever put up with it again.  LuckyJim

[Loosestrife]

I can relate to a lot of the content in these posts and it has given me some food for though in terms of being honest with myself about the increasing bad times, listening to my body and practical tips. Thank you. We come first and that's okay. 

[Loosestrife]

Loosestrife,

I think your T is correct; when the time comes you will walk. However, keep in mind that the longer you stay in a dysfunctional/unhealthy relationship the deeper and more extensive the damage to yourself becomes. I don't believe that your T's statement is an exit that you should be waiting for.

In order to gain some clarity as to what is going on in the relationship and to see the true character of your SO you will have to some degree disengage emotionally, not an easy thing to do. Once rational thought comes into the majority of thinking it creates a cascade effect... .once unseen/unknown dots can now be connected to flesh out a true picture of what is actually occurring. For me this occurred when I started focusing on my BPDexgf's actions rather than placing weight on her words. The discrepancy between their actions and words causes a lot of chaos and confusion for the Non. It's much like a magic act: the magician is able to perform the trick because the audience's attention is focused elsewhere, at the magician's discretion I might add. We, the Non's, are swept up in the idealization stage; it is truly like a drug. Idealization too is a manifestation of the BPD disorder, therefore, not real.

Watch her actions. Are her actions those of someone that truly cares for you? Or, are her actions selfish? Are her actions manipulative to achieve an end result? Are her actions helping to maintain/build the relationship? Or, are her actions destroying the relationship? Is she someone that you can have peace with in your life (this was a huge deciding factor for me)? Is she someone that is worthy and appreciative of you in her life? A pwBPD can only maintain a false facade for so long. Watch her actions and you'll find the truth. Once found, put yourself first (Take care of yourself for a change instead of her.) and take action accordingly. You are 100% responsible for your well being.

Apollo - I have started to do this and it is helping a lot - thank you my friend

[mitatsu]

I would just like to thank all the contributors to this thread... .truly inspired me 

[apollotech]

"Apollo - I have started to do this and it is helping a lot - thank you my friend."

Loosestrife,

I am of course sorry that you have found yourself in a situation that has driven you to these boards. I am glad that you are gaining a footing in said situation. Their actions tell the tale my friend. Watching those are the fastest way that I am aware of to discern the truth of the situation and begin the process of exiting the F.O.G. Realization of what is occurring comes shining through. Mischief, misdeeds, and lies hide in the darkness, but are revealed in the light.

Stay strong my friend. You will find a better you after walking through all of this. God's Speed to you on your journey. We are all with you!