Ex Engaging in Vindictive Behavior?

[luckygirl424]

I am really hoping someone can shed some light on this for me. Without going into the entire soap opera, my UBPD have split and I've learned that he has been seeing another woman for at least 7 months. He has introduced my son to her.

As awful as that has been, it gets better. Why can't this guy just leave me alone? I have now discovered that he, and my son, are interacting with a woman that was involved in a bit of an indiscretion. I was with my family and his son, vacationing in NC when I learned that my then boyfriend took this woman and her two girls camping along with another woman and her kids. I'm insane for taking him back, right? Yeah, I know! These girls used to harass me to no end. They'd openly flirt w my boyfriend and he'd let them, hence the conflict. To hell with all of them. My now ex had told me that he was unable to come with me because he had to work. Yet, he had the funds to treat not one, but two other women, to a camping trip with their kids.

Ok, so fast forward to now. I've had to come to terms with the fact that my ex had been unfaithful for at least the last the last 6 months of our relationship. There was another affair before her. I have to cope with him introducing my son to this woman. And on top of it all, I now have to hear about my son interacting with this horrible woman. He has made a fool of me and now this.

My question is this: is this behavior intentionally vindictive? It feels that way. When will it stop escalating? How much am I suppo to sit back and take? God, I hate him!

[tjay933]

firstly. welcome to the group.   I can assure you that you are not alone. many others have been exactly where you are in case you haven't read a lot of the other current stories out there. it's an awful place to be but you've come to the right place for help.

My question is this: is this behavior intentionally vindictive? It feels that way. When will it stop escalating? How much am I suppo to sit back and take? God, I hate him!

to answer your question-it is probably not intentionally vindictive even if it feels that way. start reading up on BPD and how they think with the lessons as well as boundaries and you will understand better that he doesn't think the same as you and i. in his mind he probably thinks he has done nothing wrong. my BPDh won't stop escalating until i say "no" about 100 times. then he says "what's the problem" "why can't I"? then a month later it starts again. over and over the same thing. they are very childish/immature and will just keep pushing until you break.

you don't have to take any of it. as you start studying, ask yourself what do you want? only you can decide what boundaries you want and that is your choice. the lessons will help you to determine that as well as teach you about boundaries and how to set/enforce them.

above all, stay safe and keep writing. 

[luckygirl424]

Thank you for your wisdom. I've read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" but I suppose it's difficult to adapt to such a warped way of thinking. If it's not vindictive, why doesn't Mr. Wonderful fool around with women I dont know or am not aware of? That's what I have a hard time coming to terms with. Not to be vulgar, but I've always believed that you don't ___ where you eat. Even if you are going to be unfaithful, you keep it separate.

And thats what eats at me: I've blocked him and everyone associated with him on Facebook, I've walked away from anyone whom he is friends with. If I were dating someone, I would never post anything publicly right now. Yet my ex somehow gets through to me despite my blocks. He hates confrontation yet this is what I deal with. He will tell me whatever it is I need to hear so he can avoid a conflict, yet he carries on in this way. Why? I wouldn't find out if he didn't just about shove my face in it. Why? I want to purge myself of his cancer!

[luckygirl424]

Sorry about the "s" word. I didn't even realize I wrote it till I saw the " please read" text. Won't happen again. I'm ashamed as an English teacher

[Reecer1588]

And thats what eats at me: I've blocked him and everyone associated with him on Facebook, I've walked away from anyone whom he is friends with. If I were dating someone, I would never post anything publicly right now. Yet my ex somehow gets through to me despite my blocks. He hates confrontation yet this is what I deal with. He will tell me whatever it is I need to hear so he can avoid a conflict, yet he carries on in this way. Why? I wouldn't find out if he didn't just about shove my face in it. Why? I want to purge myself of his cancer!

Passive-aggressive behavior speaks volumes more about the person behind the behavior than the target of the behavior. From what I've read, it would seem that some passive-aggressive behavior is actually indicative of underlying shame. Notice I said "shame" rather than "guilt," guilt would mean that he felt remorseful about his actions, AND wanted to fix them. "Shame" is where someone knows they did something wrong, but doesn't want to try and fix the problem.

If you have done something bad against someone in the past, but actively apologized and tried to rectify the problem, then you felt "guilt." BPD is a disorder of shame, thus, the lack of apology, I surmise.

Don't beat yourself up over it.

[tjay933]

Why?

because he doesn't care. it's all about him and what he does to make himself feel good. he has no empathy or compassion at all. they are incapable of feeling the emotions we have so behave in a way that we wouldn't. don't know how else to describe it.

if you adapt to his way of thinking you will forever be confused because his way of thinking has no logic or consistency. it will change constantly based on how/what he is currently feeling. that is why we can never understand them. the sooner we stop trying to figure them out and just shrug and say "that's his choice and it's not mine". easier said than done i know, but it does come with time. they live with a double standard: one that you must uphold and no standard for them. so what is ok for them to do is not for you to do. get it? it's all about them.

also, you may feel anger and frustration right now but know that we've all been there with the feelings you are having and it's not until you are past that stage that you will realize fully that it is a necessary stage in the healing from your BPD. the lessons on the side help to explain the stages of healing and what to expect during the healing process. you will get there. you will feel better and we're here to help you do just that.

keep writing and keep posting questions, feelings and thoughts. and above all, stay safe.  

ps. don't forget to treat yourself to something special today-you deserve it.