Stay or Leave?

[hopeforlove]

Apologies in advance for the length of this post and the back story involved until I get to my point and I guess question.

Myself and my partner have been together now for two years almost to the day (give or take a couple of weeks) we had a very much whirlwind beginning in the sense that we met and things moved very quickly. We had what I though great sexual and intimate relationship. We spent all the free time we had together and spent most nights together. After around 4 months we moved into a flat together and things remained good. We did go through a short spell of trying a polyamorous relationship with another girl and things were hard and ended up pretty messy but we got through it and seemed stronger than ever. We agreed that we would remain monogamous and have both been pretty good with it though not perfect.

Shortly after that my partner was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 which was hard for her to accept. We have come to the conclusion over time that bipolar is not really an accurate diagnosis and it is more likely she has personality disorder cause by a number of childhood traumas that have been enhanced and reinforced through her actions as an adult.

The short version of her childhood is that her father left when she was very young and her mother bounced from one unstable relationship to another one of which she was intimidated sexually by a step brother.

Fast forwarding to being an adult my partner also followed in her mother’s footsteps and bounced from one bad relationship to another. If the relationship was not bad she would create destructive situations that would make it bad in order to recreate her childhood.

When the relationship was not providing the bad feelings that she craved she turned to having sex for money as that gave her the feelings that she desired.

As it transpires when we first got together she was using me to get the bad feelings she desired from sex. We have now identified this and it has left us in the situation where she does not feel like she can have a relationship with me let alone have sex. Although she is a woman she has the emotional relationship maturity of a 14 year old which has been very challenging.

We are now at the point where I have moved out of the home we had together as she was finding me being around full time too hard to deal with. So I obliged and moved out. Then she decided she could not have a relationship at all but wanted to remain friends which went on for a few weeks until I was honest with her and myself that friendship was not enough and was too hard for me to only remain friends. We agreed that we would go back to having a more full relationship which worked for a few months.

We are now in the situation where she has basically told me that she does not want to have sex. With me or anyone. She has not lost her libido as she still masturbates daily if not multiple times a day. She says she feels like she never wants to have sex again.

It may be selfish but I don’t want a relationship that does not include sex and intimacy. I have accommodated every change and request in order to save our relationship but I can’t continue denying what I want. I love her and want her. I am now in a situation where I love someone and want to be with someone that can’t give me what I want or need and I don’t know if she ever will be able to. Do I leave? Will it get better and I regret leaving and may well have moved on by then? Do I stay and continue to hope? Will I regret wasting the time if it never gets better?

Help.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

hopeforlove,

It may be selfish but I don’t want a relationship that does not include sex and intimacy. I have accommodated every change and request in order to save our relationship but I can’t continue denying what I want. I love her and want her. I am now in a situation where I love someone and want to be with someone that can’t give me what I want or need and I don’t know if she ever will be able to. Do I leave? Will it get better and I regret leaving and may well have moved on by then? Do I stay and continue to hope? Will I regret wasting the time if it never gets better?

yeah, that can be puzzling. You give everything and it is not enough. Is it just sex or is that behavior extending to other topics?

She is confusing you and makes escalating claims about what she wants or more precisely what she does not want. Her natural sex drive and her behavior indicates that she does have needs so this is confusing. She wants you around but not too close. Her behavior ranges from polyamorous to celibate.

Problems to understand her start with taking what she says as true facts that are stable. A pwBPD tends to use words and sex as a prop to express emotions often without regard to accuracy or consequences. Emotions fluctuate wildly over time and situations. What is really behind all her recent changes - who knows it. Her escalating no sex position may be even caused by feeling not understood and pushed by you (invalidation) and then escalating in true black and white manner. It may be also a sign of past real or perceived abuse and trauma. A first step here would be developing a better understanding of her emotions and providing her validating feedback. See the LESSONS for pointers to workshops.

Do I stay and continue to hope? Will I regret wasting the time if it never gets better?

Nobody can tell you the answer here - this is for you to decide. It makes however always sense to educate yourself more in a first step.

[hopeforlove]

Well things have developed a little since my first post and not really for the good. Things have got really hard and I am becoming ill because of it.

Over the last few weeks she has been switching between wanting the relationship and not wanting one. When she wants the relationship I feel hopeful and things start to look up yet as soon as that happens she pulls the carpet from under me and reverts back to I don’t want a relationship with you but I still want to see you and be friends.

The whole conversation around sex seems to go the same way one minute she says she does not want a sexual relationship at all, then says if she does she wants it with me, then says she does not want it with me but with someone else in the future.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I am so upset and hurt. I can’t even think clearly.

[babyducks]

Welcome to bpdfamily hopeforlove,

You have come to a good place with a great group of people who really understand.  

This is a large website with many older active users who can offer their support, experience and wisdom.  Most times it's wisdom painfully learned.

Being in a relationship with someone who has the traits of BPD is upsetting and confusing.   However there are lessons and tools that help make sense of it, and give you the skills to react better to the complexities of a BPD relationship.   I really hope you spend some time reading the lessons on the right hand side of the page.

Like you when I first got here I was hurt, confused, and nearly out of my mind trying to figure out what the heck was going on with me, my partner, and in our relationship.  The level of chaos had reached incredible proportions.  My partner is diagnosed with Bipolar 1 but has many of traits of BPD including the emotional and behavioral instability.    

One of the symptoms of emotional instability is the belief that the emotions of the moment are totally accurate and will last forever.   Couple this together with the highly intense emotions that pwBPD have, you can see why thing get confusing fast.  

anOught said a lot of good things.  Including the helpful link to the Lessons.

 

Nobody can tell you the answer here - this is for you to decide.  however it always makes sense to educate yourself more in a first step.

You have the opportunity to use these resources and these boards.   I have learned a lot here on this site, and in individual therapy, that  has helped my relationship significantly.  

keep posting and let us know how you are doing.  we care.

'ducks