blind sighted

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

after living with my undiagnosed BPD husband and all his threats and emotional craziness he sent me an email 1 week ago while I was at work that he already moved out has a different place to live and filed for divorce, I am so at a loss of confusion and dispair.

he is so nonchalant about it all and won't give me any answers I had submitted to myself that I was going to stick it out and prayed to God for a sign on what to do and then this happens, I am so at a loss I have no words except I want full custody of our son, but I want to make sure its not for selfish reasons and I know it not but I didn't think it'd come to this and I'm so blind sighted.

I don't know what to do.

[Jeansok]

after living with my undiagnosed BPD husband and all his threats and emotional craziness he sent me an email 1 week ago while I was at work that he already moved out has a different place to live and filed for divorce, I am so at a loss of confusion and dispair.

he is so nonchalant about it all and won't give me any answers I had submitted to myself that I was going to stick it out and prayed to God for a sign on what to do and then this happens, I am so at a loss I have no words except I want full custody of our son, but I want to make sure its not for selfish reasons and I know it not but I didn't think it'd come to this and I'm so blind sighted.

I don't know what to do.

[Restored2]

My heart goes out to you Jeanstock.  I can totally relate to your experience of being blind sighted with confusion and despair.  I was in a committed dating relationship talking of a future marriage together.  Then I received an abrupt breakup email from mine that was entitled "Goodbye" with a matching voice mail message that was just as cold and harsh. 

I applaud you for submitting to "going to stick it out" and "praying to God for a sign".  I am praying for you to be given comfort and peace with the storm being calmed and for wisdom and direction in the days ahead. 

Remember God is in control, even when things seem out of control!       

[JRT]

Jean

I am really sorry to hear that this has happened to you, you are not alone with your frustration, pain and confusion. What he did in these circles is called a 'disappearing act'. My exFiance did the same thing 6 months ago right after she moved into my house. I went out of town on business, everything was normal, and then I get a text telling me that she moved out (among other things). She blocked contact and I have not heard from her since.

Is he talking to you? Texting? Did he leaving a note? Was your relationship in trouble beforehand? Has he done anything like this in the past?

I have a had a lot of conversations about this very thing with members here. Its the consensus that this is a childish sort of approach (they are children trapped in adult bodies); they want to get it their way and don't and they take their toys home angry. Something triggered him, he made a snap decision to run (they tend to act on these kinds of impulses, despite the magnitude of their effects), since they cannot deal with the shame of what they had done, they do it via text or email (if at all). Chances are good that he has split you and painted you black, now you are ALL bad and there is absolutely nothing redeeming about you: you are evil incarnate. This helps to justify his actions and he will likely go further to build upon that and tell others things that are incredibly untrue about you to engender their support (a distortion/smear campaign).

The good news (or bad news depending on who you ask here) is that he will probably resurface at some point. Most of them usually do and a preponderance of them do so in an maddeningly obnoxious way. If you want that to happen on any level (you MAY change your mind about this if you poke around here enough), the mantra here is to go no contact. Trying to get them back or even to get them to talk seems to embolden them on some levels and also serves to push them away (give the push/pull nature of the disorder). It ain't easy... .

The good news is that you came to the right place for support and knowledge and it really helps. I don't know what I would have done without this site. We have all gone thorugh similar painful experiences and we want to help.

Please let me know if there is anything that I can do to help.

[ForeverDad]

If you've been here for two years, then at least you're both informed about personality disorders and able to accept that his actions just gave you an Answer.  Maybe not the answer you wanted, you didn't wish for or seek a failed marriage, but it's not a total surprise either, you already knew it was it was a troubled relationship.

Yes, seek full custody.  And majority time.  Some courts are resistant to granting sole custody without solid history to recommend that so be prepared in case it is some level of joint custody.  (Likely you will get temp custody while the details are thrashed out during the divorce.)  Many courts split the child-related issues into two parts, legal custody and parenting schedule.  Your son needs you to seek the majority of both.

Custody:  If you don't get sole custody then try for something more helpful than  simple joint custody.  Likely you and the other parent will disagree on many things.  To avoid frequent returns to court, try to be assigned Tie-Breaker or Decision-Maker on the big issues.  And even though your son isn't in school yet be sure to be declared Residential Parent for School Purposes sooner than later.  Yes, he could still take you to court afterward to try to undo your decisions but at least you won't be stalled for months when a major decision needs prompt handling.

Schedule:  Seek majority time.  Many courts have standardized on a schedule that allows the non-primary parent alternate weekends and an evening or overnight in between.  A few states are inclined to go for equal time if one parent wants it.  Don't feel guilted or coerced to agree to more time than you think is appropriate for father.  This is the time to consider what's best for your son, not about being 'overly fair' or feeling sorry for father.  If you agree to more than you think is right, then you'll kick yourself later for sabotaging yourself and your parenting.  But if the court orders more time than you think is right, then even though you don't like it you can accept the court's Authority and work with it.