Newby... foggy

[Prisoner]

Hi everyone,

I've been looking for somewhere to talk to other broken/recovered individuals,  so thank you!

I'll keep my story as short as possible, it's entirely too long to write.  Over the past 3+ yrs. my ex has isolated, manipulated, mentally tortured and used me in every way possible.   The worst part is I justified everything along the way, including the crazy relationships before me. Well, I finally broke it off (2nd time) and now the beast has truly risen.  I finally had enough of the paranoia,  anxiety and sleepless lonely nights.  Shortly after breaking ties with my ex, guess who showed up at my door... .Police.  Needless to say I am blown away.  Now the "ex" is calling my friends and family.  I understand the "survival instinct" of a BPD, but I am so incredibly confused.  One side of me wants to "fix" everything and the other side "applaud her."... .  so here I am, empty and in a deep fog. 

[Invictus01]

Dude, there is nothing to fix. Run. I know it is tough to see this the first few weeks out, but... .you should be your priority. Not her, not "everything" you want to fix. You can do it!

[tjay933]

Prisoner, welcome to the family  

you are not alone. we have all been in these type of r/s some for shorter and some for longer.

feeling in a fog is quite normal for any r/s with a pwBPD.

have you had a chance to educate yourself about the condition? was she diagnosed or not with BPD? if not, please take some time to get familiar with some of the information here about BPD-you will find it very educational and helpful.

what caused her to call the police? they tend to lie a lot so don't worry about that-we already know about that.

this is a safe place for you to express your feelings, tell what you want to tell of your story and know that we not only hear you but feel your pain.

there are also lessons on here about healing, and what to expect from the different stage of the healing process.  there are a number of book reviews to help you decide if you would like to read any of those books. they are all very good and some are available through your library if you have limited funds.

the first step is to educate yourself about the condition and how it affects the partners of pwBPD. i know you will find it very enlightening. it will help you to learn about yourself and why you are attracted to and attractive to pwBPD.

so ask away or write away, which ever you chose but above all, know you are not alone, you are not crazy and you will get through this.

stay safe and we look forward to hearing more from you.

[fromheeltoheal]

I understand the "survival instinct" of a BPD, but I am so incredibly confused.

You left her for the second time, abandoned her in her head, the worst thing that could ever happen to a borderline.  Borderlines have deep shame, so once she concluded you left her because she was 'bad', the feelings got so intense that she had to project them on you, off them on you, get rid of them, disown them, assign them to you.  You can tell how extreme the shame is by how extreme the actions are; calling the cops is pretty extreme.

Standard borderline there, apply as needed.  The most important things to do right now are protect yourself and don't make it worse, and come to believe strongly that it has nothing to do with you.  Take care of you!

[Mutt]

Hi Prisoner,

The worst part is I justified everything along the way, including the crazy relationships before me.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Don't be hard on yourself.

I can relate, I had dysfunctional relationships before my ex partner with BPD traits.

I think it's important to learn about BPD and in that process look at our own behaviors and grow.

Fall down 7 times get up 8.


Welcome to bpdfamily,


----Mutt

[JPH]

Welcome... .though I'm sorry for the circumstances that led you here. You'll find lots of empathy, knowledge, support and encouragement here. I'm not a "regular" these days but I greatly empathized with your ordeal. My ex filed false charges against me just to "keep up the game" after I went no contact. Somewhere along the way she'd forgotten that she was the one who'd cheated on me and told me that she'd moved on. The only way to win the game is not to play. They are the worst kind of toxic. Here's to a road of healing, happiness & peace for you... .

[Prisoner]

Thanks all, honestly I don't even know where to start at this point.  I'm still trying to sort fact from fiction, hate from love, guilt from honesty,... .  the list goes on and on.  I'd rather not go into horrible details yet, I'm pretty sure i have a "sock" in my mouth for the next 30 days and I'm too darn paranoid to show anything.  I just can't believe this can happen, I always thought truth and honesty was a good thing.  I have had absolutely no contact what - so - ever with my ex and plan on keeping it that way... .  but why is my ex still "poking the bear?"  Where do you start picking up the pieces?  Dreams of marriage, kids and future are washed away for no good reason.

[fromheeltoheal]

Where do you start picking up the pieces?

Right here, right now, one day at a time.

Dreams of marriage, kids and future are washed away for no good reason.

Well, it wasn't a good reason, but the reason is mental illness.  Sucks, but what if everything happens for a reason and it serves us, it just takes a while to find out how sometimes.  Take care of you!

[tjay933]

I'm pretty sure i have a "sock" in my mouth for the next 30 days and I'm too darn paranoid to show anything.

hey, i still have a sock in my mouth 9m later. it's up to you how comfortable you feel in sharing. i left one site for non-BPDs because i got spooked. it happens. after living with a pwBPD, we all feel paranoid, some longer than others which in case you didn't notice, nobody gives their real names-some of us don't want our BPD to figure out who we are-still. you are not alone and there is no pressure for you to give any information. if you want to give it, we're here for you. if you just want to listen to all of us talk, great, we have another set of hearing ears.

healing takes time and please be sure to take some time for yourself to let yourself heal. time and knowledge of the condition will help you to figure out all the questions you currently have rolling around in your head. I know myself, if i had all the answers 6-9-12-15m ago, i wouldn't have been able to take it all in. it takes time to process in our minds and hearts to fit the pieces all back together.

stay safe and keep healing.