My own ambivalence

[Indiegrl]

Hi,

these are strange times... .My boyfriend for almost two years, the man of my dreams, the man I was sure being with until the day I die... .5 weeks ago he suddenly became so angry and resentful with me, he withdrew, and I haven't seen him since, today he is coming over to visit me, and I am facing the possibility of a break up... .

I started reading about BPD only 3-4 weeks ago... .and I do recognize a lot of stuff going on, it is all too familiar to be a coincidence, isn't it? He is - as far as I know - not diagnosed with BPD, but he sees a Therapist on a regular basis, he is out of work due to a chronic nevrological condition... .and he has issues with his family, especially his parents.

In only a couple of weeks I have gone from an intense loving relationship with the most wonderful man on the earth, till a state where I more clearly see the FOG I have been in.

If it only was the episodes of jeaolusy and false accusations. They have been there, but have not been to many... .disturbing as they were, I didn't fully comprehend, I saw it like episodes; nobody's perfect, and it's understandable that one may feel insecure at some times. But he has nothing to worry about, cause he is the Man I've always dreamt of, and I love him to pieces.

Now everything looks different. If I put on the filter of BPD, all these bizarr and meaningless episodes and discussions, all this overemotional irrational stuff... .it makes sense. How intriguing, how depressing. I feel like I have lost my Man - our relationship was not what I thought it to be! That is so sad, it is hard to grasp.

I wanted to confess to you on the forum the resentment I feel towards some of the things he does to me. It affects me deeply the false accusations he is making about me trying to flirt and get sexual attentention from other men - there is simply no truth to it.  I feel desperate, I have no chance, no matter what I say (I have NOT been validating, I have explained myself, told him how much I love him... .not doing anything but worsening the situation, I now know... .).

But worse: He makes demands as well: I need you to be totally honest and open with me. You have to tell me anything I want, and you must not tell it in a defensive way, you must share it with a smile, do not try to avoid the subject (as you always do!).

And to top it: He makes some sort of postulations concerning my behaviour: If you not are positively open and answer whatever I want to know whenever I want to know it, then all your words of how you love me, is just "fluff", it doesn't mean anything, cause action speak louder than words.

I absolutely resent to be told what to do and how to do it! It is no longer the false accusations that are the worst, or well, they are draining and destructive, and I don't want them in my life, but these demanding stuff, and portraying me like a selfish b___ if I don't comply. What the f***. It makes me crazy with anger, and I really have a hard time to deal with it the way one should (if coping with a BPD-partner).

And this... .is the same man who honestly is the best father I have ever seen. If my understanding of the situation is correct, that is; he is affected by BPD-traits, he is well functioning. There has not been the outraging drama, it has all been between the two of us. No other harmful behavior in any way, he is a silent and kind man to every person he meets, not outgoing or social.

He seems to think he is the moral superior to me, which also pisses me off. I have not done the things he accuses me of, and by the way, the things he does towards me, the lack of trust, the accusations, the blaming, and now the anger and resentment which he puts into words and he actually sends me the emails (I write them to, but that is for me, they stay in the "Not sent"-folder!) - those things are worse than the things he accuses me of (like: Trying to get attention from other men, always on the look out for sexual responses, because it makes me horny; that last one... .hello... .where have you been, you know everything about my sexuality, and that statement is as far from what would arouse me that is possible to get).

It' so damn tirening. And I hate him for ruining this relationship! My kids love him to pieces - and he doesn't trust me? As severel of my nearest friends say: "If you can't trust Indiegrl, you can't trust anybody". And honestly: I understand what they mean. I want to shout to him: So go get yourself a dog! Which you can boss around, and tell what to do when to do it, that dog will love you no matter what!

I find it very hard to... .rise to the challenge of applying this extreme level of understanding and maturity to cope in a relationship, knowing (expecting) that the verbally and emotionally abuse will continue... .or even grow.

He is not the man I thought he was. How shocking isn't that.

Thanx for reading in. Any advices on how to deal with his demanding behavior or have to not let him portray me as a bad person, I'll be greatful for it.

[Lucky Jim]

knowing (expecting) that the verbally and emotionally abuse will continue... .or even grow.

Hey Indiegirl, You hit the nail on the head, because in my experience the abuse is likely to intensify as time goes on.  Indeed, perhaps your r/s is not what you thought it to be, as you note.  If I could make a suggestion, it would be to focus on yourself and try to figure out what is right for you.  What "works for you" and what doesn't?  You get the idea.  LuckyJim

[felix22]

This was very interesting for me to read. I battle with trust issues myself, due to my experiences in life. It is difficult. I don't have any advise for you. You seem to be seeing things very clearly, which is great. It's confusing though, isn't it, on this board. Staying or leaving, how does one decide? Will the grass be greener, or will it too be chock full of dying turf? Anyhow, I can say this; not knowing if someone can be trusted is very difficult. It's like one's inner trust-o-meter is broken. And, one's windshield is blurry with rain. When trying to sense trustworthiness, feelings of love itself distort the clarity of sensing another person's character. It's all very hard to figure out, when you've been decimated from past experiences of having your trust obliterated. That, of course, is probably of no use whatsoever. I still wanted to respond to your writing though. It was so clear and insightful. Best of luck with your Man, and whatever decisions you reach in your mind.