I don't know what to do anymore

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello everyone.

This is my very first thread on this website.

I have been with my boyfriend about a year now (for the last few months it has been very rocky) We are both in or twenties.

He isn't diagnosed but he has many BPD traits/behaviours... eg.

- He claims I am his first proper gf... all of his other 'relationships' have been on and off and not lasted more than a year.

- He claims he is the odd one out in his family

- He has few friends

- He has not been in proper employment for years, (he got fired a few times when he was a teenager) and since does casual stuff here and there to earn money, nothing academic.

- He spent the first 6 months of dating telling me hoe I am too good for him and how he is so lucky to have me and frequently told me he would regret losing me (he would tell me this completely out of the blue)

- He cant seem to deal with emotions - when I try to talk to him about why i am upset with him he tells.me to shutup etc. And accuses me of looking for an argument because I enjoy arguing.

- He does not believe I love him and he sometimes accuses me of cheating when he has no reason to think it. There was a time when I was at a party and i didnt look at my phone all night. Next day I have messages from him accusing me playing games by trying to make him think I have been with a guy. We got in an argument a few weeks ago and I went home and he accused me of leaving and causing an argument because I wanted to meet another guy.

- He claims to know what I am thinking and telling him what to do... when I ask him about it he says 'i know what you are like and I can tell by the look on your face'

- If we argue he will say really hurtful things and say 'you hurt me so I wanted to hurt you' even though all I did was try to talk to him about something he didn't want to discuss.

- If he thinks I am going to leave he will say hurtful things and then say 'oh i didnt mean it. Im sorry I will do whatever it takes to be with you I dont want to lose you'

- He has had a bad childhood involving one of his parents.

- I am trying to help him get his life together and tell him I would like him to visit me more and to work more so we can have a future... he tells me I am selfish and controlling

I am at my wits end on whether to stay or go. I sometimes vent my frustration to my friends and family and now feel like an idiot because I always end up back with him and probably look really stupid. Most people think I deserve better and should find someone else. I really love him, I feel like I am meant to be with him, I don't have the strength to cut him out of my life and move on but maybe I am just being weak/guilty... I go through stages of feeling like I love him and want to work out our issues and try to be supportive and learn not to care about certain things and then I think it would be easier to be with someone else who at least looks after themself and could look after me.

Can things get easier? :/ i dont know what to do anymore.

[klacey3]

Hello everyone.

This is my very first thread on this website.

I have been with my boyfriend about a year now (for the last few months it has been very rocky) We are both in or twenties.

He isn't diagnosed but he has many BPD traits/behaviours... eg.

- He claims I am his first proper gf... all of his other 'relationships' have been on and off and not lasted more than a year.

- He claims he is the odd one out in his family

- He has few friends

- He has not been in proper employment for years, (he got fired a few times when he was a teenager) and since does casual stuff here and there to earn money, nothing academic.

- He spent the first 6 months of dating telling me hoe I am too good for him and how he is so lucky to have me and frequently told me he would regret losing me (he would tell me this completely out of the blue)

- He cant seem to deal with emotions - when I try to talk to him about why i am upset with him he tells.me to shutup etc. And accuses me of looking for an argument because I enjoy arguing.

- He does not believe I love him and he sometimes accuses me of cheating when he has no reason to think it. There was a time when I was at a party and i didnt look at my phone all night. Next day I have messages from him accusing me playing games by trying to make him think I have been with a guy. We got in an argument a few weeks ago and I went home and he accused me of leaving and causing an argument because I wanted to meet another guy.

- He claims to know what I am thinking and telling him what to do... when I ask him about it he says 'i know what you are like and I can tell by the look on your face'

- If we argue he will say really hurtful things and say 'you hurt me so I wanted to hurt you' even though all I did was try to talk to him about something he didn't want to discuss.

- If he thinks I am going to leave he will say hurtful things and then say 'oh i didnt mean it. Im sorry I will do whatever it takes to be with you I dont want to lose you'

- He has had a bad childhood involving one of his parents.

- I am trying to help him get his life together and tell him I would like him to visit me more and to work more so we can have a future... he tells me I am selfish and controlling

I am at my wits end on whether to stay or go. I sometimes vent my frustration to my friends and family and now feel like an idiot because I always end up back with him and probably look really stupid. Most people think I deserve better and should find someone else. I really love him, I feel like I am meant to be with him, I don't have the strength to cut him out of my life and move on but maybe I am just being weak/guilty... I go through stages of feeling like I love him and want to work out our issues and try to be supportive and learn not to care about certain things and then I think it would be easier to be with someone else who at least looks after themself and could look after me.

Can things get easier? :/ i dont know what to do anymore.

[Aurylian]

I really love him, I feel like I am meant to be with him, I don't have the strength to cut him out of my life and move on but maybe I am just being weak/guilty... I go through stages of feeling like I love him and want to work out our issues and try to be supportive and learn not to care about certain things and then I think it would be easier to be with someone else who at least looks after themself and could look after me.

klacey3,

Welcome to the forum.  You are certainly in the right place to work through this. 

Many of us have had these same questions and have a hard time finding people who really understand what the craziness is like.  Most just don't get it.

The best analogy I have heard is the "put on your oxygen mask first, then assist others." 

What is it that draws you to him?  What kind of things seem to trigger the bad behaviors?

[klacey3]

I really love him, I feel like I am meant to be with him, I don't have the strength to cut him out of my life and move on but maybe I am just being weak/guilty... I go through stages of feeling like I love him and want to work out our issues and try to be supportive and learn not to care about certain things and then I think it would be easier to be with someone else who at least looks after themself and could look after me.

klacey3,

Welcome to the forum.  You are certainly in the right place to work through this. 

Many of us have had these same questions and have a hard time finding people who really understand what the craziness is like.  Most just don't get it.

The best analogy I have heard is the "put on your oxygen mask first, then assist others." 

What is it that draws you to him?  What kind of things seem to trigger the bad behaviors?

Thank you for your reply.

What draws me to him... .like alot of others I like to feel needed and desire helping.people. For some reason I am drawn to those who are emotional and deep. On a light note he is funny, i feel comfortable with him and feel like I can be myself, he is caring and quirky. I feel a connection with him.  I like that he is affectionate.

What triggers his bad behaviours... usually arguments. If I say something he doesnt like... such as repeating things I am unhappy with. He gets annoyed when I talk about why I am upset with him as he says I am playing games and just want to argue. If I continue to talk about or moan about things he has done to upset me he says I am disrespecting him and then will say things to hurt me as 'I have hurt him' He does not like confontation or to talk about problems as this apparently ruins his whole day.

He doesnt like it when I try to help him with things or make suggestions...

If I am so annoyed I am threatening to end the relationship or block him temporarily that causes him to make threats or say hurtful things, both usually threats of him to meet or flirt with a women. He then tells.me he is sorry and only said it to hurt me because I hurt him.

[vortex of confusion]

Hi klacey! 

Welcome to the boards!

I would recommend starting with the lessons to the right side of the forum. There are some great ideas for how to diffuse conflict as well as take inventory of the situation. It is difficult to love somebody that exhibits such behaviors. You are still rather young so it might be a good idea to evaluate the situation before deciding that you want to keep him as a boyfriend. If you don't have kids together and have no shared assets, it is sometimes better to leave before making any long term commitments.

Is this somebody you would want to marry or have kids with? Ponder that question very seriously.

[Mr.Downtrodden]

Hi klacey3,

You've arrived at the right place, the folks here certainly help place things in perspective, and most important, everyone knows exactly what you are having to endure.

from my own experiences, i can offer some food for thought:

Being young is invaluable.  I am much older and have lost so much time I cannot get back.  Think of yourself and your own well-being first and foremost.  If things do not work out, or if you decide to leave your relationship, this experience will help you identify potential risks and behaviors early on.  I did not know anything about BPD when I fell in love with my exgf.  Feelings had been invested over time.  It made it so much more difficult to cope when I, the non, was devalued and discarded.  I'm still having a hard time emotionally and it has been 18 months out for me. My romantic future, based on my age, is pretty bleak.

This is most important - does your boyfriend ever ask you how you are feeling?  Does he truly listen to you?  Does he show behavior that puts forth effort towards improving your relationship?  Once the idealization / honeymoon phase is over with a BPD person, these questions are ALWAYS answered truthfully via a trio of "No's".

Do you deserve being an indentured servant to your partner, instead of an equal?  I would think not. None of us here do.

Take care of yourself first!

[klacey3]

Hi klacey! 

Welcome to the boards!

I would recommend starting with the lessons to the right side of the forum. There are some great ideas for how to diffuse conflict as well as take inventory of the situation. It is difficult to love somebody that exhibits such behaviors. You are still rather young so it might be a good idea to evaluate the situation before deciding that you want to keep him as a boyfriend. If you don't have kids together and have no shared assets, it is sometimes better to leave before making any long term commitments.

Is this somebody you would want to marry or have kids with? Ponder that question very seriously.

Thanks for the reply. Are the lessons the 1-5 on the right of the forum?

Can I ask what your experience is with someone with BPD and how long you were with them and what made you finally leave?

Yes I am young which is why I am trying to figure stuff out.

[vortex of confusion]

Thanks for the reply. Are the lessons the 1-5 on the right of the forum?

Can I ask what your experience is with someone with BPD and how long you were with them and what made you finally leave?

Yes I am young which is why I am trying to figure stuff out.

Yes, they are on the right side. It has "Choosing a Path" at the top of the side bar.

I still haven't left as I have 4 kids and we have been married for almost 17 years. My husband is a sex addict and is in a 12 step program and counseling. It has stopped his sexual acting out but he is still largely unplugged and pretty selfish. I discovered BPD about 9 months ago while I was looking for information on specific behaviors that I found troublesome. My mother and sister are probably BPD as well.

If I had known then what I know now, I would have probably run for the hills. I don't wish this kind of life on anybody, especially not a child. If you are young and have no commitments with him, it would probably be a good idea to get out now. It will hurt like crazy and you will miss him. There are times when I still think that maybe I can find the magic wand to make things go back to the way they used to be when things were good. I can look back and see the BPD traits going back to the beginning. They weren't too bad and seemed like pretty typical stuff for people learning how to be married and get along. And, I was very naive.

[Ripped Heart]

Hi Klacey3,

Welcome to the site  Welcome I'm really glad you found us.

I'm really sorry to hear about the issues you are currently facing with your boyfriend. It can be extremely frustrating when you feel like everything goes from one extreme to the other, like walking on egg shells because regardless of what reaction you give, it always appears wrong in his eyes. Also pushing you away and then pulling you back in, it's entirely understandable why you are feeling the way you do and again, I'm glad you found your way here.

You mentioned about things being rocky for the past few months, what were things like at the beginning of your relationship? Has the frequency of these outbursts changed over the last few months? In other words is there less time between them?

My exBPDgf would often behave in a similar way at first once a month, before it became a 2 weekly issue before finally, it could happen at any time. It was very frustrating as it would come out of nowhere and often when things were going really well. This article you might find interesting as it may shed some light on some of your boyfriends behaviours that you have described.

Article 1: How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

I sometimes vent my frustration to my friends and family and now feel like an idiot because I always end up back with him and probably look really stupid. Most people think I deserve better and should find someone else. I really love him, I feel like I am meant to be with him, I don't have the strength to cut him out of my life and move on but maybe I am just being weak/guilty... I go through stages of feeling like I love him and want to work out our issues and try to be supportive and learn not to care about certain things and then I think it would be easier to be with someone else who at least looks after themself and could look after me.

Can things get easier? :/ i dont know what to do anymore.

It can also be very frustrating and invalidating to us when our friends and family don't listen. When we open up to them as a way to vent or just for support and the response we get back is for us to leave. That's not what we need to hear at that moment and I used to find this quite hurtful because I was the one living with exBPDgf and knew that her behaviours were because of an illness and not because she was a bad person. Many people on this site have been through similar experiences, understand the reasons why we care and we found our way here to seek answers and find ways to help us so we can support our partners.

Things can get easier but it takes patience, understanding and a willingness to work at things on both ends. You can only be responsible for yourself and you have to put your own health and wellbeing first. Because without the strength, it's very difficult to be in a position to support someone else. The fact you found your way here shows you do care and that itself is not a weakness, it's a sign of strength and courage.

Given that you don't have much support from friends and family around your situation, are you currently seeing a therapist to help with what you are going through right now and how it's making you feel?

Keep posting as we would really like to know more about your current situation so we support you through this difficult time