Found him with another girl

[Moving on strong]

After he gave me the silent treatment because I refused to go somewhere with him I went to his house a month later. A girl was leaving and he was on the porch. He told me they had two dates and slept together twice. He blamed me for everything. Saying I was saying things about him on Facebook and that is why he doesn't talk to me. It isn't true but he wouldn't stop with it. He told me he doesn't love her but he will always love me. I told him have fun with his new girlfriend. Went home and found him on three dating sites. So while I was home crying over him wondering why he hasn't called he has been picking up women from dating sites but he still loves me. Lol

[LonelyChild]

After he gave me the silent treatment because I refused to go somewhere with him I went to his house a month later. A girl was leaving and he was on the porch. He told me they had two dates and slept together twice. He blamed me for everything. Saying I was saying things about him on Facebook and that is why he doesn't talk to me. It isn't true but he wouldn't stop with it. He told me he doesn't love her but he will always love me. I told him have fun with his new girlfriend. Went home and found him on three dating sites. So while I was home crying over him wondering why he hasn't called he has been picking up women from dating sites but he still loves me. Lol

You must abandon this r/s. It will never change. This is most likely not the first time it has happened, only the first time you have found out.

Even if you forgive him, he will lose all respect for you and do it even more. Realize that it has nothing to do with who you are and move on.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry you're going through that Moving, it is very painful.  It may be helpful to think about what a borderline means when he says he still 'loves' you.  One thing it could mean is an attachment is still in place, meaning you can possibly be used to complete him and soothe his emotions because you have an emotional connection.  Another possibility is you might have gotten the line "I love you but not in that way", which can be a way to retain an attachment but also avoid the engulfment that happens when a borderline gets too close, straddling the fence between abandonment and engulfment.

And even better, if he's doing any of that, is asking yourself were you getting your needs met?  If he exhibits traits of the disorder he typically isn't capable of mature love, so why did we stay?  Why did we forge ahead anyway?  What were those drives and where did they come from?

[Mutt]

Hi Moving On Strong,



I'm so sorry to hear that

LonelyChild and from fromheeltoheal are correct that it has less so to do with you per se and more so with attachment.

If you look at his actions and disregard the words.

What do they tell you?

[LimboFL]

Who are these people they manage to find? Do these pwBPD have any moral grounding?

I don't get it. After a 4 year relationship, the last thing I could manage is to jump into the sack with another woman.

Do they not feel gross about themselves. sleazy? It's really quite sickening, especially when they seem so proud of it all, like somehow they are achieving something.

My ex used to mock me for having spent 20 years with one woman, as though she was calling immature. I guess it depends on what sphere you have lived in your whole life. It's demented!

I am so glad that I am out of all of that.  

[LonelyChild]

Who are these people they manage to find? Do these pwBPD have any moral grounding?

I don't get it. After a 4 year relationship, the last thing I could manage is to jump into the sack with another woman.

Do they not feel gross about themselves. sleazy? It's really quite sickening, especially when they seem so proud of it all, like somehow they are achieving something.

My ex used to mock me for having spent 20 years with one woman, as though she was calling immature. I guess it depends on what sphere you have lived in your whole life. It's demented!

I am so glad that I am out of all of that.  

1. Who are these people they manage to find?

pwBPDs are often handsome. Being handsome and lying a bit gets you into anyones pants.

2. Do these pwBPD have any moral grounding?

No. NONE. Read my first post. There is no introspection, there's no reflection on the self, because a self does not exist. So there cannot be morals. It's impossible. It's like saying "don't lions feel bad when they eat zebras." Lions do not reflect on the emotions of zebras. They get hungry, and they act. They get sleepy, they sleep. They get horny, they have sex. This is as true for lions as it is for dogs, cats and zebras as it is for pwBPD. When a rabbit is horny it doesn't think "I need to go find my gf and have sex," it "thinks" "horny. rabbit in front of me. put dick in it.". Understand that pwBPDs are empty inside. They are not real persons.

3. Do they not feel gross about themselves. sleazy?

No. Again, they do not reflect over it. They feel and act. They never ruminate and think "wow, she's so nice to me and I did this behind her back, I need to tell her." That does not exist in their world. If it did, they would change. But they don't.

[Moving on strong]

His actions show he doesn't love me. I was home crying everyday for a month wondering what I did so bad that he can never talk to me again. He was on dating websites picking up women. I did so much for this man. He should worship the ground that I walked on. Instead he spit on it. I would never take him back. He hurt me more than anyone ever did before. He is still looking for people on the sites so obviously that girl is nothing either. He told his children he really didn't love me he was just with me because he was lonely. Who would tell their kids that?  I realize now how sick and evil he is. I wish he would try to come back. I have an entire speech ready for him and water to throw in his face.

[LonelyChild]

I wish he would try to come back. I have an entire speech ready for him and water to throw in his face.

Don't. He's going to trigger you and you're most likely going to fall for it. pwBPD are dangerous. Just go NC.

[Mutt]

Hi Moving On Strong,

Anger is a natural response.

I agree it's not something he should be telling his kids.

[LimboFL]

I am a handsome guy and have dabbled on the dating sites, to very little avail. Granted I pick women who appeal to me aesthetically and whose profiles show some intellect. I suspect that pwBPD's aren't as picky and go for low hanging fruit.

[Moving on strong]

It's not fair though. I was the faithful one.  I was the one who did everything for the relationship and he is off having fun with other girls and I'm all alone. I would of never done that to him. It seems like it is better off to be like him and be happy. Instead I'm still upset.

[LonelyChild]

It's not fair though. I was the faithful one.  I was the one who did everything for the relationship and he is off having fun with other girls and I'm all alone. I would of never done that to him. It seems like it is better off to be like him and be happy. Instead I'm still upset.

He's not having fun and he's not happy. What he's doing is managing his anxiety.

[hurting300]

Depression is common with them. Don't let the fake smiles fool you. Trust me. I read my exes diaries. U Will see.

[Mutt]

It's not fair though. I was the faithful one.  I was the one who did everything for the relationship and he is off having fun with other girls and I'm all alone. I would of never done that to him. It seems like it is better off to be like him and be happy. Instead I'm still upset.

It's not fair and it's painful. You were monogamous.

His happiness is not sustainable. His unhappiness will eventually return.

He projects his inner turmoil.

Here. His silent treatment.

Saying I was saying things about him on Facebook and that is why he doesn't talk to me. It isn't true but he wouldn't stop with it.

[downwhim]

It's not fair though. I was the faithful one.  I was the one who did everything for the relationship and he is off having fun with other girls and I'm all alone. I would of never done that to him. It seems like it is better off to be like him and be happy. Instead I'm still upset.

I feel exactly the same.