I just want to let it go need advice and support

[Kasina]

Hello everyone,

It's been awhile since I have posted,I haven't been feeling well for a week now.

It's like since he broke up with me... I can't even remember that.2 months ago.

I wasn't feeling well... headaches and nausea with all the confusing feeling that you have when you go through a really bad b:u.

I have been ill and literally bed ridden since a week now.its like my body won't accept it.thr breaking up...

I have gone NC for two weeks now,sometimes I don't even feel that he ever existed but then I have these intense feeling of Grieve and loss that I end up crying helplessly.

Today I was just wondering how to tell myself that he was not the one and just let it go.why does it even matter BPD or not?it was just not meant to be ...

I get it,I want to let it go... today I just wanted an answer and it was simple because he lied,he cheated on me,he broke my heart repeatedly what other reason do I need?

Well what answer I get back?he did it because he's BPD... huhhhh and I m back to square 1 again!

How to understand ... I have been so exhausted and lethargic because of the illness that I couldn't even post today I feel I m recovering .

Do just needed to vent and in need of support.

X

[LimboFL]

Hi Kasina, your state of emotion is concerning.

You sound like a very intelligent woman, which is why I am surprised that you would allow another person to have such control over you. Do you think that your exBPDbf is feeling as badly as you do? Do you believe that he is lying in bed crushed, as you are? If you answers are no, then why aren't you turning your grief to anger? Is he better than you? Is he really worth such heartache and anguish? By staying in bed and not moving forward you are only giving him the power to control you while you completely stop from fighting your way out of this, from moving forward with your life.

Don't misunderstand, you need to grieve, it's part of the process, it's needed. I did it and I am still not completely away from it but I know that I would never ever go back, no matter how hard my exBPDgf might try and she hasn't, so it's better for me. But you need to move forward and get back to your life. Lying in bed is only hurting one person, you! It won't bring him back.

As I have said before, if you need inspiration to get up and get going then understand that there is nothing more unattractive to an ex than a partner who is destroyed as you are. If you want motivation then find the strength to pick yourself back up and work until you are even better than you were before. If the day comes where you have to confront him, prove that you have become stronger, smarter, more beautiful and even sexier than before. Prove that you don't need him, that there are men everywhere that want to spend time with you. This is the only way to make him think twice about who he has chosen. It is at that very point where he tries to come back, when you say "oh no, no more. We are done and this is what you will be missing. I hope that you and (name) are happy because I sure as hell am going to make sure I am and that means keeping you out of my life. Now go away and never contact me again"

Kasina you are stronger than this, better, smarter. Never give yourself to the power of another,never! You will come out of this better than ever but you need to take the steps necessary to get to stage 1 and then stage 2 and then stage 3. It is going to require will power like you have never summoned before.

If you have any of his belongings still in your home, if you can, burn them otherwise, throw them in the dumpster. He doesn't deserve to get them back. Then go for a long walk. Just get out.

Again, I am not saying any of this like it's easy but mark today as the day you are going to fight back and no longer allow this loser to keep you down, to control you. Today is the day to turn your life around!

Keep posting and we will all provide support. Don't let us down, we are counting on you and want progress reports. I promise you can overcome this and you will find new love, when you are ready. I promise.

[JPH]

Relationships like the one you describe (BPD or not) are toxic, and there are definitely physical manifestations of that toxicity. I went through something similar after a nearly 2-year relationship with a borderline woman. I'd emotionally and physically spent so much time propping her up that I completely neglected my physical and emotional health. The result after two years: I was a train wreck emotionally and physically. However, after licking my wounds and getting ample rest for a while, I seized the opportunity to redirect all of the energy I devoted to her back toward myself. It was definitely a process though, as it will be for you.

What we endure in these tumultuous relationships is nothing short of hell on earth. Take this time to be good to yourself. Get plenty of rest, eat well, take up a new hobby and pick up old ones you may have abandoned because of the relationship. Seek out old friends and/or family. I promise it will get better, but there unfortunately are no shortcuts. You'll be fine. In fact you very well may be better and stronger when you come through this. Better days are ahead for you. Chin up.

[hope2727]

Trauma is a significant injury. It doesn't have to be a physical  injury to have physical symptoms.

If you had been in a terrible car wreck and had multiple severe injuries what would you prescribe for yourself?  Make a list.

Rest

Food

Meds for pain management

Care from others

Therapy

Quiet

Time

Now give yourself these. Seriously it was some of the best advice I got. Our wounds aren't broken bones and black eyes but they might as well have been. I felt physically beaten after mine rages at me and left for the last time. It took months to be able to drag myself out of bed for anything more than the essentials. The therapist I saw said pretend he beat the poop out of me physically. Then treat myself accordingly. It helped. I stood in the bathroom and visualized the black eyes and split lip and broken ribs and shattered arm. Then I cut myself some slack for being unable to cope. I took Advil for the headaches. I ate all the ice cream i wanted.  I slept 14 hours at a stretch ate then slept again. I let a friend do the lawn. I let another friend make me some meals and clean my office. I sought therapy. I turned off my phones. I let the house get dirty. I cried and cried and cried. I watched entire tv series that I didn't even like. In time I started to heal.

I am in month 10. I work full time again. I am slowly starting to leave the house for the gym or dinners out although not consistently yet. I am able to imagine planting a garden this year. I didn't last year. I couldn't. The wounds are slowly healing. I'll always bear the scars. They will always ache when it rains. But I will survive. So will you. Now go rub some expensive ice cream on your heart. It helps.

There is an excellent little book called how to survive the loss I a love. It has 3 authors I can't recall. McWilliams maybe? Order it. I keep it by my bedside. I flip through it regularly. My psychologist recommended it. It's been invaluable.

Be gentle with your soul. Hugs and peace to you.

[mrwigand]

Kasina,

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I was extremely depressed after my breakup... .slept for hours, ate poorly, lost all productivity. It's okay to allow yourself to experience pain, but I hope you don't become consumed by it. I know it's not rational. You understand that the relationship was not only "not meant to be", but it was most likely also toxic to you and profoundly unfair. Obviously, it was because he CHEATED on you, which is totally unacceptable (as is the fact that he won't responsibility for it... .I understand he has a disorder, but that doesn't give a person carte blanche to completely disregard someone else's feelings).

Regardless of those facts though, I know you're still going to feel the pain. You'll somehow remember the good things and not the bad. That's okay. I relied on my friends A LOT for support after the breakup. Sometimes I just needed them to shake me and remind me why the relationship was so profoundly bad for me (one of my friends literally told me, "Mrwigand, DON'T get back together with her. I will hit you!". Do you have anyone you feel comfortable going to?

Also, I did a good bit of journaling when I was feeling most depressed. I would write down almost stream of consciousness all of the painful and unfair things that happened in the relationship. I don't know if you should hold on to anger too long, but it's important to acknowledge the things that happened that were entirely unacceptable in the context of a relationship.

But good luck as you deal with this and I promise it does get easier.

[leftconfused]

Hi Kasina,

I totally get where you are coming from.  For the first few weeks after I kicked him out I felt good and strong and kept myself busy with friends and travels to Cali.  However, I saw him a few times after that and it made me worse and worse.  Most recent was Vday that he out of nowhere started a fight and left me crying in bed.  I've been there every since except to come to work.  I get a glass of wine and get right back into bed when I get home.  It's hell and its scary.  I love limbofl post.  It is so true!  We know they are going on about their life just fine so we need to take back our power and keep moving forward.  Just know we will get through it and be a better stronger version of ourselves in the end.  Give yourself permission to grieve but don't stay there.  Start getting out and doing things as much as possible.  Big hugs!

[Invictus01]

The first a couple of months are pretty damn rough. They say getting out of these relationships feels like you are coming off crack. And it sure felt like this to me. I was completely nuts - didn't wanna get out of the bed, had emotional break downs in public. It felt like I really never her, like it was a dream. It was insane. BUT... .It gets better. It really does. Just need to accept that the person you dealt with wasn't real. It was an awesome act. It is tough but it pretty much kills any reason to hold on.

[Haye]

Kasina, I am so sorry you are going through this  :'(

Others have already given you excellent advice - please take care of yourself.

You will get through this. Slowly, but you will.

[Kasina]

Hey limboFL,

Thankyou for your support and kind words.i don't feel well because I have caught an skin infection hence the fever and exhaustion has kept me bed ridden but I m much better now.

I m trying my best and I m fine as I

In fling the daily chores and moving on with my life.

It's just sometimes it feels like my body is moving through all the phases and day to day chores but mentally I m stuck at this one thing ... the b/u.

As if I m frozen in that space of time emotionally .

Hope it gets better.

X

[LimboFL]

Kasina, what you are going through is completely normal, remember that. Even today, where I no longer allow myself to feel any pain, I still don't feel myself. My exBPDgf remains in my mind, all bloody day. I have a full time job (sales, so I need to build, just started a month ago, so I do still need the extra) but tomorrow, I am going to start driving for Uber, in part for the money, but also just to get me out of the apartment. I will get to interact with people , be social without having to commit to any sort of extended "relationship". Hi, drive, goodbye. I am in sales, as mentioned and can be very social but I am not mister networker bee.

I work from home, which means even less contact with humans. So I see this new weekend gig as a double bonus, make some extra cash and get out into the world. The more we are with people, the more we seem to get better. You need to find an outlet like that too. Sitting at home, where it's just you and your thoughts, is about the most destructive thing that you can do. So force yourself to get out. Honestly, I would rather go hang at a bar but there I am just spending instead of making. Get stronger, get better and show the fool that he hasn't broken you.

[Luckyfella]

Hey Kasina, this is part of grief and it is expected. It's been 5 months and I still grief. It is normal that you miss him and it's normal to not suppress your feelings and grief.

I recommend reading or listening to "Getting past your breakup" by Susan Elliott. A must read. NC is a must too.

Also watch: www.youtu.be/Vzk3EK6-690 for an instant temporary relief/distraction.