After being painted blacker than black, she is back

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So the recycle is real. I didn't believe it would happen in my case because I said really cruel things and my attemps at smoothing the situation were met with all out rage, but she came today to my shop after 6 months of NC and said we need to talk. I think she is moving to another city and maybe she is scared and I'm the last anchor to this place? She needs the last validation? What am I supposed to do with this girl?

[Alberto]

So the recycle is real. I didn't believe it would happen in my case because I said really cruel things and my attemps at smoothing the situation were met with all out rage, but she came today to my shop after 6 months of NC and said we need to talk. I think she is moving to another city and maybe she is scared and I'm the last anchor to this place? She needs the last validation? What am I supposed to do with this girl?

[Heldfast]

I don't know, what do you want to do with this girl? Are you getting yourself some help? Is she?

[CloseToFreedom]

Most of us hope to get some kind of closure, but if she really is BPD that is a slim chance. What do you want out of it? Do you want to go for another recycle? What makes you think things will be different this time? Talk to us!

[Alberto]

I don't want her back, but she's so tormented that there's always a part of me that wants to take care of her, it's almost like a little sister to me at this point. It's really hard not be intrigued by her inner world.

[JRT]

I have struggled with this possibility as well... .is it possible to put her in a, sort of, friend zone and keep her boxed in?

[Deeno02]

I wouldnt do it. Not worth the aggrevation or pain that comes with it. I unfortunately still have to see mine at my sons Volleyball games(shes the coach) but I dont bother her and she doesnt bother me( shes still in honeymoon phase with the replacement anyway). If I never had to see or hear from her again, I'd be good with that. Choice is always yours bro, choose wisely.

[Alberto]

I have struggled with this possibility as well... .is it possible to put her in a, sort of, friend zone and keep her boxed in?

Once you find someone else to love and the feelings dry out it's possible... .well I guess, they are so damn magnetic. Looking back I wish I had never pursued a relationship, as a friend she was great, always sacrificing things for me and never falling into that lack of logic and consistency that turns us crazy.

[hope2727]

Wow. What a situation please keep us posted.

[Alberto]

I wouldnt do it. Not worth the aggrevation or pain that comes with it. I unfortunately still have to see mine at my sons Volleyball games(shes the coach) but I dont bother her and she doesnt bother me( shes still in honeymoon phase with the replacement anyway). If I never had to see or hear from her again, I'd be good with that. Choice is always yours bro, choose wisely.

I arrived to a point that I didn't care if i never saw her again, or if we tried to find closure, both options were fine to me.

I have the inmense luck that I was never intellectualy attracted to her, when I see people talking about her exes being very smart I shudder, this was by far the most painful breakup I've ever had, I can't understand how damaging it would have been if I really saw her as the love of my life.

[Alberto]

Wow. What a situation please keep us posted.

She supposedly hated me so much, it's just impossible to understand. I think she has histrionic traits so even if she broke up with me, after telling her I never saw her as a long term partner she needs a last try at getting even?

[JRT]

 I can't understand how damaging it would have been if I really saw her as the love of my life. [/quote]
You have no idea... .worst breakup by far... .my divorce was a walk in the park in comparison... .I'm a VERY strong person, I can only imagine what someone with less strength would resort to... .what a shame

[Alberto]

I can't understand how damaging it would have been if I really saw her as the love of my life.

You have no idea... .worst breakup by far... .my divorce was a walk in the park in comparison... .I'm a VERY strong person, I can only imagine what someone with less strength would resort to... .what a shame[/quote]
It wouldn't surprise me if all those suicides for love would involve a cluster B partner.

[JRT]

I have thought the same thing!

[sun seeker]

  Hey everyone

Jrt , alberto two of my dexBPDgf  exs directly  before me  committed suicide.  Im sure they. had their own issues  I have no doubt BPD stoked the fire.

[JRT]

My God

How horrible!

[Lucky Jim]

she's so tormented that there's always a part of me that wants to take care of her,

Hey Alberto,

Suggest you explore why you have a need to take care of another adult.  I suspect most of us who have been in a r/s with a pwBPD have had the same experience.  Nevertheless, I would like to discourage you from acting on your impulse to be a knight in shining armor.  We all enjoy the feeling of being a being a hero, but in my view it's misplaced with a pwBPD.

LuckyJim

[jhkbuzz]

So the recycle is real.

Whoa... .not so fast!  A recycle can only happen if you agree to re-enter the r/s, which it doesn't sound like you've done.  And you're not even sure that she's attempting to recycle.  She's clearly attempting to have a conversation with you.

Maybe it would be better to say that she's contacted you?

there's always a part of me that wants to take care of her

it's really hard not be intrigued by her inner world.

they are so damn magnetic

this was by far the most painful breakup I've ever had

Be very careful if you do decide to see her (and remember, you can decide that you DON'T want to see her.)

It sounds like you've not fully detached.

She supposedly hated me so much, it's just impossible to understand. I think she has histrionic traits so even if she broke up with me, after telling her I never saw her as a long term partner she needs a last try at getting even?

That is certainly a possibility. Keep in mind that you might feel WORSE after seeing her.

It it worth your peace of mind?

[Deeno02]

Sigh... .Im 51. I was in the Navy for 26 years. I was a Hospital Corpsman with Marine Corps Special Operations. Im parachute trained, dive trained and have fought in just about every crap ass place since 1982. Ive come close to death, staved off death and have seen death in all its forms. Im a pretty tough guy, great training and endured crap most people should never have to. I do have some PTSD from service. I was married for 18 years until she thought i was too boring and decided life would better with our friend, leaving me with 2 kids. Then a year and some change I met my udbpf gf. First 7 months were great, love bombs bursting in air. Then it started to slide. By a year in, ive had numerous your a bad boyfriend and treat me special or lose me speeches, i was jumping through hoops. I could do nothing right. Devalued, slowly painted black. Theres much more, but you get the picture.I snapped and had to think. I didnt talk to her for a week. I had bought an engagement ring and was going to propose to her on her birthday. I had made my decision. I called her, she dumped me. Following week shes with her old college buddy. Poof... discarded after 16 months.This pushed me over the edge. I wanted to end it. Everything caved in. I felt worthless, unwanted and as she explained unlovable, incapable of love and emotionless. I had a note and the means to do it. I mean really, who would miss me? The unlovable guy? Then I had a thought. I have 2 kids who depend on me. If i did this, my exgf wins. I got help and am working through this. I dont need her chaos or her aggrevation. Im better than that, ive been through more worse things than this. But i have to say this has been one of the worse experiences i have ever dealt with. The psychological damage has been horrible. The emasculation, horrible. Im trying to be strong again and its going to be a rough journey, but she will not get the satisfaction of me failing. Shes weak, im strong. We all are...

[Alberto]

she's so tormented that there's always a part of me that wants to take care of her,

Hey Alberto,

Suggest you explore why you have a need to take care of another adult.  I suspect most of us who have been in a r/s with a pwBPD have had the same experience.  Nevertheless, I would like to discourage you from acting on your impulse to be a knight in shining armor.  We all enjoy the feeling of being a being a hero, but in my view it's misplaced with a pwBPD.

LuckyJim

I don't have the need but I'm naturally empathetic and I know she suffers, I know I can't really help her, but I have compassion, it's natural. I'm thinking about validating her, the last time we spoke I was really harsh and her ego probably took a big hit. We won't see each other much anyway, I'm getting another store and she's moving.

[Alberto]

So the recycle is real.

Whoa... .not so fast!  A recycle can only happen if you agree to re-enter the r/s, which it doesn't sound like you've done.  And you're not even sure that she's attempting to recycle.  She's clearly attempting to have a conversation with you.

Maybe it would be better to say that she's contacted you?

there's always a part of me that wants to take care of her

it's really hard not be intrigued by her inner world.

they are so damn magnetic

this was by far the most painful breakup I've ever had

Be very careful if you do decide to see her (and remember, you can decide that you DON'T want to see her.)

It sounds like you've not fully detached.

She supposedly hated me so much, it's just impossible to understand. I think she has histrionic traits so even if she broke up with me, after telling her I never saw her as a long term partner she needs a last try at getting even?

That is certainly a possibility. Keep in mind that you might feel WORSE after seeing her.

It it worth your peace of mind?

I'm not 100% detached, but I've been doing really well. My main problem was not the breakup, it was thinking I wouldn't be able to feel something similar for anyone else. The moment I was finally able to have feelings for another woman I snapped out of it, and my typical optimism was back.

I think I'll tell her that I got so mad because I really loved her and then say our goodbyes. I can choose between rancor and repairing her ego a little bit so I'll try being good this time, she is the one with the disorder after all, I have the ability to be happy.

[Alberto]

Sigh... .Im 51. I was in the Navy for 26 years. I was a Hospital Corpsman with Marine Corps Special Operations. Im parachute trained, dive trained and have fought in just about every crap ass place since 1982. Ive come close to death, staved off death and have seen death in all its forms. Im a pretty tough guy, great training and endured crap most people should never have to. I do have some PTSD from service. I was married for 18 years until she thought i was too boring and decided life would better with our friend, leaving me with 2 kids. Then a year and some change I met my udbpf gf. First 7 months were great, love bombs bursting in air. Then it started to slide. By a year in, ive had numerous your a bad boyfriend and treat me special or lose me speeches, i was jumping through hoops. I could do nothing right. Devalued, slowly painted black. Theres much more, but you get the picture.I snapped and had to think. I didnt talk to her for a week. I had bought an engagement ring and was going to propose to her on her birthday. I had made my decision. I called her, she dumped me. Following week shes with her old college buddy. Poof... discarded after 16 months.This pushed me over the edge. I wanted to end it. Everything caved in. I felt worthless, unwanted and as she explained unlovable, incapable of love and emotionless. I had a note and the means to do it. I mean really, who would miss me? The unlovable guy? Then I had a thought. I have 2 kids who depend on me. If i did this, my exgf wins. I got help and am working through this. I dont need her chaos or her aggrevation. Im better than that, ive been through more worse things than this. But i have to say this has been one of the worse experiences i have ever dealt with. The psychological damage has been horrible. The emasculation, horrible. Im trying to be strong again and its going to be a rough journey, but she will not get the satisfaction of me failing. Shes weak, im strong. We all are...

I tend to think about HPD and BPD like perfect storms, it's like they are designed to hurt in ways that we didn't think was possible. But we are truly designed to forget, it's a matter of patience and above everything, at least in my case, finding that I'm still able to love.

[jhkbuzz]

I'm not 100% detached, but I've been doing really well. My main problem was not the breakup, it was thinking I wouldn't be able to feel something similar for anyone else. The moment I was finally able to have feelings for another woman I snapped out of it and my typical optimism was back.

Wait... .so you're detached because you have feelings for another woman? Or you're not 100% detached?  Are you feeling ambiguous?  

I think I'll tell her that I got so mad because I really loved her and then say our goodbyes. I can choose between rancor and repairing her ego a little bit so I'll try being good this time, she is the one with the disorder after all, I have the ability to be happy.



There are other choices here, you know. You can choose to not engage in the conversation at all. That decision wouldn't necessarily be cruel - it might actually be the best thing for the both of you.  YOU, primarily.

And be careful - I hear a little "knight in shining armor" in your response ("repairing her ego a little bit". My guess is that this impulse is what led to your r/s's with two different BPD women.

[Alberto]

I'm not 100% detached, but I've been doing really well. My main problem was not the breakup, it was thinking I wouldn't be able to feel something similar for anyone else. The moment I was finally able to have feelings for another woman I snapped out of it and my typical optimism was back.

Wait... .so you're detached because you have feelings for another woman? Or you're not 100% detached?  Are you feeling ambiguous?  

I think I'll tell her that I got so mad because I really loved her and then say our goodbyes. I can choose between rancor and repairing her ego a little bit so I'll try being good this time, she is the one with the disorder after all, I have the ability to be happy.



There are other choices here, you know. You can choose to not engage in the conversation at all. That decision wouldn't necessarily be cruel - it might actually be the best thing for the both of you.  YOU, primarily.

And be careful - I hear a little "knight in shining armor" in your response ("repairing her ego a little bit". My guess is that this impulse is what led to your r/s's with two different BPD women.

It's hard to explain, but the thing that really haunted me in the months after the breakup was that I felt really numb, I was surrounded by beautiful, smart women but I was not able to feel strongly about them, breaking up and starting a new relationship was easier when I dated nons. The worst wasn't not being able to be with her, but feeling I wouldn't be able to be happy with anyone else.

The moment I met another girl and I felt I could be happy with her I was so relieved, it was like having my emotions back.

She was the one making the effort to contact me again, I would feel real bad being cold, if her histrionic mind needs to know that I loved her, so be it. It doesn't make a difference to me,

I finally know that I can love nons again, and that's what truly matters for me.

[Deeno02]

Sigh... .Im 51. I was in the Navy for 26 years. I was a Hospital Corpsman with Marine Corps Special Operations. Im parachute trained, dive trained and have fought in just about every crap ass place since 1982. Ive come close to death, staved off death and have seen death in all its forms. Im a pretty tough guy, great training and endured crap most people should never have to. I do have some PTSD from service. I was married for 18 years until she thought i was too boring and decided life would better with our friend, leaving me with 2 kids. Then a year and some change I met my udbpf gf. First 7 months were great, love bombs bursting in air. Then it started to slide. By a year in, ive had numerous your a bad boyfriend and treat me special or lose me speeches, i was jumping through hoops. I could do nothing right. Devalued, slowly painted black. Theres much more, but you get the picture.I snapped and had to think. I didnt talk to her for a week. I had bought an engagement ring and was going to propose to her on her birthday. I had made my decision. I called her, she dumped me. Following week shes with her old college buddy. Poof... discarded after 16 months.This pushed me over the edge. I wanted to end it. Everything caved in. I felt worthless, unwanted and as she explained unlovable, incapable of love and emotionless. I had a note and the means to do it. I mean really, who would miss me? The unlovable guy? Then I had a thought. I have 2 kids who depend on me. If i did this, my exgf wins. I got help and am working through this. I dont need her chaos or her aggrevation. Im better than that, ive been through more worse things than this. But i have to say this has been one of the worse experiences i have ever dealt with. The psychological damage has been horrible. The emasculation, horrible. Im trying to be strong again and its going to be a rough journey, but she will not get the satisfaction of me failing. Shes weak, im strong. We all are...

I tend to think about HPD and BPD like perfect storms, it's like they are designed to hurt in ways that we didn't think was possible. But we are truly designed to forget, it's a matter of patience and above everything, at least in my case, finding that I'm still able to love.

absolutely. Its what im working on. To trust again, try to get to the bottom of my issues and hopefully love again.

[jhkbuzz]

It's hard to explain, but the thing that really haunted me in the months after the breakup was that I felt really numb, I was surrounded by beautiful, smart women but I was not able to feel strongly about them, breaking up and starting a new relationship was easier when I dated nons. The worst wasn't not being able to be with her, but feeling I wouldn't be able to be happy with anyone else.

The moment I met another girl and I felt I could be happy with her I was so relieved, it was like having my emotions back.

I get it - I've shared the fear that I won't ever be happy with anyone but my ex - I understand your relief.

She was the one making the effort to contact me again, I would feel real bad being cold

That sounds like the OBLIGATION and GUILT part of F.O.G. to me. Beware of acting from these impulses... .they lead to painful places. At some point, with two BPD r/s's under your belt, it would be wise to start questioning and examining your impulses instead of simply acting on them.


if her histrionic mind needs to know that I loved her, so be it. It doesn't make a difference to me

Isn't that an assumption on your part about what she 'needs to know'?

Is that a galloping horse I hear?  :)o I see a gentleman dressed in white?

[Alberto]

It's hard to explain, but the thing that really haunted me in the months after the breakup was that I felt really numb, I was surrounded by beautiful, smart women but I was not able to feel strongly about them, breaking up and starting a new relationship was easier when I dated nons. The worst wasn't not being able to be with her, but feeling I wouldn't be able to be happy with anyone else.

The moment I met another girl and I felt I could be happy with her I was so relieved, it was like having my emotions back.

I get it - I've shared the fear that I won't ever be happy with anyone but my ex - I understand your relief.

She was the one making the effort to contact me again, I would feel real bad being cold

That sounds like the OBLIGATION and GUILT part of F.O.G. to me. Beware of acting from these impulses... .they lead to painful places. At some point, with two BPD r/s's under your belt, it would be wise to start questioning and examining your impulses instead of simply acting on them.


if her histrionic mind needs to know that I loved her, so be it. It doesn't make a difference to me

Isn't that an assumption on your part about what she 'needs to know'?

Is that a galloping horse I hear?  :)o I see a gentleman dressed in white?

Yeah, that's probably my horse haha. The thing is I don't hate her, nor I think she is a bad person, so what am I supposed to do? Tell her I don't want to speak with her? I care about her, and if I know something about HPD and BPD is that abandonment sends them into despair, deep down she feels undeserving of love and I told her I never saw her as a long term partner... .I probably inflicted a pretty deep wound and I feel bad about it.

I know why I end up with BPDs, I probably have narcissitic traits and being idealized is addictive, they both treated me like a guru... for a while.

[Mutt]

The thing is I don't hate her, nor I think she is a bad person, so what am I supposed to do?

I don't dislike my ex partner either. You can have compassion with boundaries.

I don't get mixed with her stuff. If my ex didn't say anything for 6 months and said we need to talk about it would raise alarm bells.

The first question that would come to my mind is "What does she need?"

[jhkbuzz]

It's hard to explain, but the thing that really haunted me in the months after the breakup was that I felt really numb, I was surrounded by beautiful, smart women but I was not able to feel strongly about them, breaking up and starting a new relationship was easier when I dated nons. The worst wasn't not being able to be with her, but feeling I wouldn't be able to be happy with anyone else.

The moment I met another girl and I felt I could be happy with her I was so relieved, it was like having my emotions back.

I get it - I've shared the fear that I won't ever be happy with anyone but my ex - I understand your relief.

She was the one making the effort to contact me again, I would feel real bad being cold

That sounds like the OBLIGATION and GUILT part of F.O.G. to me. Beware of acting from these impulses... .they lead to painful places. At some point, with two BPD r/s's under your belt, it would be wise to start questioning and examining your impulses instead of simply acting on them.


if her histrionic mind needs to know that I loved her, so be it. It doesn't make a difference to me

Isn't that an assumption on your part about what she 'needs to know'?

Is that a galloping horse I hear?  :)o I see a gentleman dressed in white?

Yeah, that's probably my horse haha. The thing is I don't hate her, nor I think she is a bad person, so what am I supposed to do? Tell her I don't want to speak with her? I care about her, and if I know something about HPD and BPD is that abandonment sends them into despair, deep down she feels undeserving of love and I told her I never saw her as a long term partner... .I probably inflicted a pretty deep wound and I feel bad about it.

I know why I end up with BPDs, I probably have narcissitic traits and being idealized is addictive, they both treated me like a guru... for a while.

Being idealized is quite a "high" even if you don't have narcissitic traits! 

You don't have to hate her to love yourself.  You don't have to think she is a bad person in order to protect your own emotional well being.

"What are you supposed to do?"

What do you want to do?

What do YOU want to do?

In all your responses you've talked about what you think she needs.

What do you need?  What would be best for you in this situation?

[Alberto]

The thing is I don't hate her, nor I think she is a bad person, so what am I supposed to do?

I don't dislike my ex partner either. You can have compassion with boundaries.

I don't get mixed with her stuff. If my ex didn't say anything for 6 months and said we need to talk about it would raise alarm bells.

The first question that would come to my mind is "What does she need?"

I think she is moving to another city, maybe she just wants to say goodbye, but it's strange after telling me she didn't even want me as a friend.

She lives in the street where I have my shop, and she allways tries to get my atention, so she probably wants to know that I care before leaving.

[Mutt]

It's strange because she pushed you away it is a defense mechanism. You were split black a threat to her, not something that's in your control or hers.

That being said. I was split white after a 24+ month period of being split black. I had to ask myself why am I split white? Split white is because she has something that she wants from me and not necessarily for me and from our prior history together usually it was something that was an ends to a means.

jhkbuzz asked a good question.

What do you want?

Do you think she may receive your message as intended?

An option is become fully detached, heal and become stronger. Perhaps another time is a better choice to let her know.

There's a time and place.