It's been four years since our break up and I still can not forgive.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi All,

It's been a while since I have posted on here. As some of you newcomers, when I first signed on in 2011, I was a complete wreck. I had just gone through the most over the top, gong show of a break up with my UBPDGF. To make a long story short, after 6.5 years of push/pull, break up/make up, she left me for our neighbour/ my ex-friend, made up the most ridiculous lies about me, tried to have me arrested with the old "I'm scared" crap when I caught her in a lie and to top it off my ex and now ex-friend were engaged two to three weeks after we broke up. Needless to say, I did not take it very well.

First of all let me say to all you newcomers who are struggling, it does get better with time. There is life after BPD. I didn't think it was possible, but it actually is if you are patient, kind to yourself, and are willing to do the work. About a year after my break up, I met this wonderful women who is kind and patient and who rocks my world!  We are engaged to be married in September. What troubles me however, is this April will be the anniversary of our break up. As the date approaches, I find myself thinking about her and the whole situation more often. And well the truth is, I am still after all this time, very angry and hurt by the betrayal and I am finding it very difficult to forgive them. I know that logically, their marriage (yes they did end up getting married a year or so after our break up), will most likely not last and that my BPDxgf will most likely follow the same pattern of behaviour she has always done. I know this on a head level, but on a heart level, I still struggle sometimes when I am triggered by something (not like I used too). In fact it's very rare these days. I have worked very hard to forgive and let it go, but sometimes when I think about them, I realize that I CAN NOT FORGIVE THEM. Is there any advice you could give me in order to get to that place? Thanks guys.

[gettingoverit]

Hi All,

It's been a while since I have posted on here. As some of you newcomers, when I first signed on in 2011, I was a complete wreck. I had just gone through the most over the top, gong show of a break up with my UBPDGF. To make a long story short, after 6.5 years of push/pull, break up/make up, she left me for our neighbour/ my ex-friend, made up the most ridiculous lies about me, tried to have me arrested with the old "I'm scared" crap when I caught her in a lie and to top it off my ex and now ex-friend were engaged two to three weeks after we broke up. Needless to say, I did not take it very well.

First of all let me say to all you newcomers who are struggling, it does get better with time. There is life after BPD. I didn't think it was possible, but it actually is if you are patient, kind to yourself, and are willing to do the work. About a year after my break up, I met this wonderful women who is kind and patient and who rocks my world!  We are engaged to be married in September. What troubles me however, is this April will be the anniversary of our break up. As the date approaches, I find myself thinking about her and the whole situation more often. And well the truth is, I am still after all this time, very angry and hurt by the betrayal and I am finding it very difficult to forgive them. I know that logically, their marriage (yes they did end up getting married a year or so after our break up), will most likely not last and that my BPDxgf will most likely follow the same pattern of behaviour she has always done. I know this on a head level, but on a heart level, I still struggle sometimes when I am triggered by something (not like I used too). In fact it's very rare these days. I have worked very hard to forgive and let it go, but sometimes when I think about them, I realize that I CAN NOT FORGIVE THEM. Is there any advice you could give me in order to get to that place? Thanks guys.

[Reecer1588]

Why do you find it necessary to forgive her? Has she made any sincere attempts to show regret/guilt?

[gettingoverit]

Why do you find it necessary to forgive her? Has she made any sincere attempts to show regret/guilt?

She's potentially BPD, of course she has not made any sincere attempt at an apology or shown any sign of regret. She up and disappeared. I want to forgive her for my sake, not for hers. I no longer want to feel anger and hatred every time I am reminded of her/them. I am searching for indifference, a "I don't give a ___" kind of attitude when I see them from time to time.

[fromheeltoheal]

Is there any advice you could give me in order to get to that place?

It's said we forgive someone for us, not for them, although it's really not necessary.  I prefer revenge, the best revenge is success, and success is a life well lived.  If we use the emotional energy we feel towards our exes to better ourselves, create the life of our dreams, move forward and focus on the future, it builds momentum, and one day we may think about our ex and realize we haven't thought about them for a while, too busy living the life of our dreams, and that feels good, it feels free.  Forgiveness is about letting go so we can feel free, well so it progress, and it works.

Specifically GOI, you're got a wonderful gal in your life now, about to start a future with her, and if you put all your energy there she will get all of you, and feel it, and sounds like she deserves to have all of you.  There's a good focus for the energy around your ex; what can you do for and with your girl today that would take your relationship to the next level?

[FracturedReality]

You don't have to forgive them.


What you want is to find peace with what happened. At lease you're not still in that relationship. Your friend took a bullet for you by taking her.


Trust me, I know, I was that friend (In my situation, not literally)

[Invictus01]

Once I understood and  accepted that I dealt with a mentally ill person, I couldn't be mad anymore. I also could never go back to her. I just let it be and learned my lesson. A painful lesson... .but a lesson none the less... .

[clydegriffith]

I'm in a similar scenario as you. BPDx trapped me with a baby, was sleeping around with a bunch of my friends, actually did have me arrested on numerous ocassions with the BS domestic violence crap and much much more hell. Words can't describe how embarassed i am that she is the mother of my child. This was not supposed to happen to me. I was always the "good kid" growing up, always went about doing the right thing and try to do right by others. Never in my wildest nightmares would i expect "Fatherhood" to be the complete mess it is for me because of that woman.

I will never forgive, i will never forget and i wish nothing but the worst for her. If she were to drop dead tomorrow i would not shed one tear and honestly it would be a very happy moment for me. That being said, i can put aside these feelings of hatred most of the time but they are there and they always will be.

You do not have to forgive nor should you be beating yourself up for not being able to do so. Embrace the hate.

[Mutt]

Once I understood and  accepted that I dealt with a mentally ill person, I couldn't be mad anymore. I also could never go back to her. I just let it be and learned my lesson. A painful lesson... .but a lesson none the less... .

It's hard to hate someone once you understand them.

Live and learn.

Forgiveness is a choice.

I forgave myself and I forgave her because it felt right for me.

What troubles me however, is this April will be the anniversary of our break up. As the date approaches, I find myself thinking about her and the whole situation more often.

I still struggle sometimes when I am triggered by something (not like I used too).

Is it perhaps you need a little more distance behind you? It sounds like your doing good overall. I talked to my T because I notice certain periods, anniversaries and her engulfment phases were seasonal, where I get triggered.

February is when she left me and I find it to be a difficult month. October I find hard as well because she would get a seasonal depression, winters were hard and it was her engulfment phase. Like clockwork every year and she would project and wave her finger at me Mutt you get like this every time of the year!" I had no clue what she was talking about. I had always thought I was a level headed person.

Eventually I dreaded fall because I knew it was the start of a difficult period and by January she would start to pull.

Two years post break-up I get triggered in Oct and again February.

He said he went through something similar after he divorced his first wife. He said I suffered a traumatic event; it takes time.

[bpdspell]

Hey gettingoverit,

I signed in just to respond to you.

I don't wanna come off as judgmental but are you truly ready to be married if you're still piping angry at the thought of your BPD ex and your ex-best friend... .now her husband? Being unable to forgive someone who is clearly mentally ill is a sign that you are still very hurt by her actions and still very much attached to that hurt. Which is ok... .but do you really want to take that into a new marriage if you aren't fully recovered? Just a thought. What is keeping you attached to the hurt?

Also. Forgiveness is different for everyone. There are days when my ex is a true afterthought in my rear view mirror and there are moments where I am still awestruck at the amount of pain my ex caused and the mixed feelings that come with accepting "mental illness." It doesn't help that the memories of the good times are still very powerful for me but I've long come to the conclusion that the hurt he caused me wasn't personal. It was and forever will be because of his sick and damaged mind. I was sick too.

On most days I believe I have forgiven because BPD is a disorder that my ex had way before I came into the picture. Are you still taking your ex's behavior personal?

My point is that forgiveness isn't black or white; it's shades of grey. There's no bullet or magic formula that works for any one person.

What works for me is remembering to forgive myself for not loving me and being available to myself to mourn and grieve that. And loving myself is something that I'm still learning how to do after decades of not having a clue on how important this is for our own happiness.

Just some thoughts. I applaud you for posting this... .I'm sure that there are many people who still struggle with mixed, ambivalent, and connected feelings to our ex's that we wish would just GO AWAY. .

Spell

[downwhim]

October 10th will be a trigger for me. It is the day he called off the engagement. The day before my son's birthday...

[Panda39]

Could it be that you are still grieving that old relationship?  Anger is a part of the grieving process.  It sounds to me that you aren't ready to forgive yet.  You might need more time and distance.  There is no specific time frame for any of this.  No one says it has to happen today.  It may not ever happen.  It is commendable that you are at least thinking about it.

It took me 25 years to forgive someone in my past that was very important to me and broke my heart.  It was very rewarding when it happened... .but it only happened when I was finally ready.

It happened for me when I started working on me and my self esteem and at the same time I saw him for what he was and accepted him for what he was.   

I was in a different place than you are I always felt the love and grieved the love but it wasn't until years later that I voiced the love I held... .I stuffed... .that other hidden emotions like anger, grief, disappointment, and sadness finally surfaced as well.  Once I let those feelings go, I could see this man as he was, not my memory, my ideal, my dream.  He was a flawed human being just like me.  Then I forgave him and freed myself from all the baggage I carried related to him. 

To me forgiveness is a letting go of all those emotions good and bad that keep you tied to someone that has hurt you to free yourself.  This does not mean that you condone the cheating (in my case) or what ever hurt was inflicted on you by someone else.  It's just about really and truly letting it go... .much easier said than done... .but can be done.

[Infared]

Hi All,

It's been a while since I have posted on here. As some of you newcomers, when I first signed on in 2011, I was a complete wreck. I had just gone through the most over the top, gong show of a break up with my UBPDGF. To make a long story short, after 6.5 years of push/pull, break up/make up, she left me for our neighbour/ my ex-friend, made up the most ridiculous lies about me, tried to have me arrested with the old "I'm scared" crap when I caught her in a lie and to top it off my ex and now ex-friend were engaged two to three weeks after we broke up. Needless to say, I did not take it very well.

First of all let me say to all you newcomers who are struggling, it does get better with time. There is life after BPD. I didn't think it was possible, but it actually is if you are patient, kind to yourself, and are willing to do the work. About a year after my break up, I met this wonderful women who is kind and patient and who rocks my world!  We are engaged to be married in September. What troubles me however, is this April will be the anniversary of our break up. As the date approaches, I find myself thinking about her and the whole situation more often. And well the truth is, I am still after all this time, very angry and hurt by the betrayal and I am finding it very difficult to forgive them. I know that logically, their marriage (yes they did end up getting married a year or so after our break up), will most likely not last and that my BPDxgf will most likely follow the same pattern of behaviour she has always done. I know this on a head level, but on a heart level, I still struggle sometimes when I am triggered by something (not like I used too). In fact it's very rare these days. I have worked very hard to forgive and let it go, but sometimes when I think about them, I realize that I CAN NOT FORGIVE THEM. Is there any advice you could give me in order to get to that place? Thanks guys.

I can't give you any advice about forgiving the ex... I have not gotten there yet and I am further away from it than you... .the best I have been able to do is to forgive myself for ignoring the red flags and going all-in with her, that was clearly a sign of me not loving me and I have come to terms with that and have forgiven myself for that huge mistake... .my ex, like yours told lie after lie to me and everyone in her life and ran off with new supply... .

The closest that I can get with her is acceptance. Total acceptance that she is mentally ill. Her illness is what causes her to lie and cheat. Her illness is what causes her to be totally remorseless, cruel and vindictive. Her illness is what allows her to vilify me, a person who deeply cared about her. Her illness causes her to blame any/every thing on others and take no adult responsibility for her actions.  There is nothing that I can do to change that... .so I just accept that. That is who she is... .someone that I was so close to in my heart, but someone who I did not know at all because of her complete inability to be a whole person, capable of just being ... .and connecting with another on an adult level. All I can do is accept that is who she is  and that has given my some level of peace with it all. Maybe someday I will be able to forgive her in my mind... its just so difficult,  as I had to create the closure in my mind as I got nothing but lies and childish, hurtful games from her. She is not well.

Perhaps you can get to that place, too and then take it to the next step... .I am open to it... .but I just have not gotten there yet either... .

[hergestridge]

If someone does something to you that is *wrong* enough, then I don't know if forgiveness is even the healthy choice, even if it is what is expected from us in our culture.

My mother abandoned six of her children at different points in her life, leaving them for new romantic partners, letting social services take care of the kids. I was one of those kids, and I have been ridiculed and shamed for not forgiving her.

Forgiveness is a two way process. You can only forget if a person shows regret, which means there needs to be introspection. This won't happen anyway with PD people.

Only god forgives those who don't show regret.

I would even go as far as saying that it is the person that has inflicted that the wound that should ask for (and hope to be) forgiven. That is the true forgiveness.

The most perverted version of forgiveness I have ever heard of is when my wife went to her therapist after she had cheated on me. I was angry and my wife was ashamed. My wife said she couldn't live with herself. The therapist said my wife needed to forgive herself for what she had done. My wife came home to me and said she had forgiven herself for what she had done. I thought that was so sick.

[Infared]

If someone does something to you that is *wrong* enough, then I don't know if forgiveness is even the healthy choice, even if it is what is expected from us in our culture.

My mother abandoned six of her children at different points in her life, leaving them for new romantic partners, letting social services take care of the kids. I was one of those kids, and I have been ridiculed and shamed for not forgiving her.

Forgiveness is a two way process. You can only forget if a person shows regret, which means there needs to be introspection. This won't happen anyway with PD people.

Only god forgives those who don't show regret.

I would even go as far as saying that it is the person that has inflicted that the wound that should ask for (and hope to be) forgiven. That is the true forgiveness.

The most perverted version of forgiveness I have ever heard of is when my wife went to her therapist after she had cheated on me. I was angry and my wife was ashamed. My wife said she couldn't live with herself. The therapist said my wife needed to forgive herself for what she had done. My wife came home to me and said she had forgiven herself for what she had done. I thought that was so sick.

It is a painful place to find out the truth that we never really mattered at all to a person that we cared very deeply for. For me to see that truth and to own it gave me some semblance of peace regarding my exBPD, as painful as it may have been.  To see that they were not capable, for whatever reason, allowed me to at least let go.  We cannot controlled how otherS  behave... .it's a harsh reality.

[hergestridge]

If someone does something to you that is *wrong* enough, then I don't know if forgiveness is even the healthy choice, even if it is what is expected from us in our culture.

My mother abandoned six of her children at different points in her life, leaving them for new romantic partners, letting social services take care of the kids. I was one of those kids, and I have been ridiculed and shamed for not forgiving her.

Forgiveness is a two way process. You can only forget if a person shows regret, which means there needs to be introspection. This won't happen anyway with PD people.

Only god forgives those who don't show regret.

I would even go as far as saying that it is the person that has inflicted that the wound that should ask for (and hope to be) forgiven. That is the true forgiveness.

The most perverted version of forgiveness I have ever heard of is when my wife went to her therapist after she had cheated on me. I was angry and my wife was ashamed. My wife said she couldn't live with herself. The therapist said my wife needed to forgive herself for what she had done. My wife came home to me and said she had forgiven herself for what she had done. I thought that was so sick.

It is a painful place to find out the truth that we never really mattered at all to a person that we cared very deeply for. For me to see that truth and to own it gave me some semblance of peace regarding my exBPD, as painful as it may have been.  To see that they were not capable, for whatever reason, allowed me to at least let go.  We cannot controlled how otherS  behave... .it's a harsh reality.

But that takes time to wrap your head around, to fully grasp that. But to detach becomes much easier when you realize your partner was never really there to begin with. It's like you were detached long ago but you just didn't realize.   

[Infared]

If someone does something to you that is *wrong* enough, then I don't know if forgiveness is even the healthy choice, even if it is what is expected from us in our culture.

My mother abandoned six of her children at different points in her life, leaving them for new romantic partners, letting social services take care of the kids. I was one of those kids, and I have been ridiculed and shamed for not forgiving her.

Forgiveness is a two way process. You can only forget if a person shows regret, which means there needs to be introspection. This won't happen anyway with PD people.

Only god forgives those who don't show regret.

I would even go as far as saying that it is the person that has inflicted that the wound that should ask for (and hope to be) forgiven. That is the true forgiveness.

The most perverted version of forgiveness I have ever heard of is when my wife went to her therapist after she had cheated on me. I was angry and my wife was ashamed. My wife said she couldn't live with herself. The therapist said my wife needed to forgive herself for what she had done. My wife came home to me and said she had forgiven herself for what she had done. I thought that was so sick.

It is a painful place to find out the truth that we never really mattered at all to a person that we cared very deeply for. For me to see that truth and to own it gave me some semblance of peace regarding my exBPD, as painful as it may have been.  To see that they were not capable, for whatever reason, allowed me to at least let go.  We cannot controlled how otherS  behave... .it's a harsh reality.

But that takes time to wrap your head around, to fully grasp that. But to detach becomes much easier when you realize your partner was never really there to begin with. It's like you were detached long ago but you just didn't realize.  

I accept that, too, now... .but the truth is... .I will never really know what was going on on the other side of the fence. All I am left with is my speculations... .In the end nothing of any value or truth came to me from that other person. I am left to guess... .

[Reforming]

Hi gettingoverit,

You've already got a great range of good advice from other posters.

I don't have much to add except maybe to try and be compassionate and kind to yourself

You experienced a terrible betrayal from two of the closest people in your life.  That's a huge injury to heal.

It's clear that you've educated yourself about the disorder, but it's understandable that the thought of the two of them together and married hurts and leaves you with questions. I think we can all relate to that.

And even if you know most of the answers - untreated BPD follows a pretty predictable course - it can still be hard to really accept them.

I've struggled with forgiveness and I agree with BPDspell - my feelings towards my ex vary depending on my circumstances and my state of mind

For a long time  I focussed on her behaviour - slipping into victim mode, which just left me feeling very angry and stuck.

Now when I find that happening I stop and remind myself that my ex was not responsible for my choices - I am

I will never condone or excuse the things she did, but my ex was / is ill and I wasn't very healthy either.  

I chose to be in the relationship and I chose to stay. If I was healthy I wouldn't have ignored all the  - I would never have got involved with her to begin with or I would walked away much sooner.

I'm not saying it's easy - I find owning my own behaviour really hard and at times I have felt very angry at myself.

So for me the first I think the first step to forgiving my ex is to forgive myself. Even though I now understand much more about the nature of the BPD deep down I still find that hard.

But I've learned that the more punitive I am to myself - the more angry I am with my ex  and the more stuck I end up.

I would also agree with BPDspell about getting married. A year is not a long time to fully grieve and recover from the trauma you experienced. It's two and half years since I separated from my ex and though I dated someone briefly I needed most of that time on my own to recover and heal.

Have you seen a T? It might be worth exploring these issues with a trained professional

Keep posting and good luck

Reforming

[apollotech]

Hello gettingoverit,

I only have a question. Have you accepted that your exSO is a person with a possible mental/personality disorder, and as such, her actions were borne out of said possible disorder, and therefore, not directed at you personally (although you were the recipient of said actions). My question is not about her or condoning her actions. It is a question about you.

[JohnLove]

Hello gettingoverit, I can only add that old saying (truism) that TIME (and understanding) HEALS ALL WOUNDS... .

... .and you don't have quite enough of either. Keep moving forward. You'll be alright.

[Deeno02]

Forgiveness is for me, not her. Im processing the forgiveness of me for allowing myself, and worse yet, my kids to be placed into such a horrible place where they had to watch their dad fall apart. Forgiveness for me when I allowed this stuff to happen, including insults about my daughter, and I said nothing. Forgiveness for myself and my childhood issues I paid no attension to until she brought those out. Forgiveness for me thinking that the only way out of this pain was to end it. Im forgiving myself, not her. I dont care what happens to her anymore. Dont get me wrong, I loved her with all my heart and soul, but Im more important. I have to take care of and forgive me.