Wife filed for divorce...

[MaroonLiquid]

Long story short... .My wife and I have been separated for 9 months and I have done everything I can to save the marriage (and still want to) while my wife refuses to get help and sabotages "us" at every turn.  We separated after a huge dysregulation she had and she kicked me out.  I made two counseling appointments and she didn't show for either one.  We each have three kids from a previous marriage and I see my children and pay child support.  I basically raised my wife's children as their father has only seen them for about and hour in almost 6 years and owes 40,000 dollars in back child support.  I still want to save the marriage, but there are some issues.  Wife kept my laptop, and accused me of an affair to her family when she found out I was looking at websites w/BPD (2 months after separation), taking my car when hers broke down (had to fix the broken down vehicle as she refused to give me mine back and I got in a wreck that wasn't my fault, it was totalled and now each have vehicles in our own names), refused to pay her car notes (I paid them) among other things.

I received a letter and a petition for divorce filed with the courts on the 20th yesterday in the mail.  Included was a "service waiver" that they are asking me to sign and return to them.  What advice do you have for me?  Questions?  I also believe that this is her last ditch effort to try and get control back as I have been stronger and standing up to her the last two months or so saying I wouldn't pay anymore of her bills... .

[livednlearned]

Hi MaroonLiquid,

I'm sorry to hear what has happened, it's a lot to be kicked out and separated from the kids you raised. How are your own kids doing? This is not something you wanted, and so it's likely you are struggling with everything that has happened. There are psychological and emotional stages to divorce. Often the person serving the papers is in a different place psychologically and emotionally than the person receiving them. It's important to understand this, because it's often two people in different stages of detachment and acceptance that the relationship is over. You can read about this here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271676.msg12577883#msg12577883

She is likely trying to abandon you before you abandon her. People with BPD experience very high levels of shame -- it's one of the reasons why it's so hard for them to accept diagnoses and seek treatment. They feel such shame even without a label to describe what is wrong. Discovering that you were searching for BPD may have triggered her extreme feelings of rejection sensitivity. She might also experience your boundaries as a sign that she can't control you anymore, or steam roller your boundaries. There is only black and white thinking to process this -- it means you think she is all bad. Therefore she must project that negative feeling onto you, and make you all bad.

How long were you married? Do you live in a state where there are alienation of affection laws? There are only four states that have those laws in the US. If so, your wife would try to sue you or your alleged paramour. Even if you are not wanting to get divorced, it's important to find out from a lawyer what the facts are, whether you are vulnerable in any way, and whether she can make any false allegations that might put you in a bad place.

You may want to read Splitting by Bill Eddy. He's a former social worker and now a practicing family law attorney. He understands BPD, and wrote the book with Randi Kreger to help people like us figure out how to navigate family law court.

[MaroonLiquid]

Here is my latest thread on the staying board for reference... .https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273808.0... .

Anyway, I have posted on that board for the entire nine months so I understand a lot about BPD, especially triggers.  We have been married almost 5 years.  We don't live in one of the states for "alienation of affection".  My kids are good, but they do worry about my wife and I as they have been VERY close to her for about 10 years.  She is like their mother. My 6 year old adores her and thinks she hung the moon.

One thing is my wife and I have been seeing each other off and on (when not dysregulating) during our separation and even keeping her youngest daughter while she was out of town with the older two and my wife and I being intimate two weeks ago.

[formflier]

 

Maroon,

I'll keep up with you over here as well.  You are well ahead of the "newbies" that show up to bpdfamily and the divorce board... .since you have solid education in BPD traits and tools.

However... .realize you will be challenged by some new concepts... .focus on that.

Livednlearned's point about "different place" in a r/s is a new concept to me... .and is exactly the reason you need to be over here... .to learn everything you can about how this may play out. 

Hang in there... .we are all rooting for you!   

[livednlearned]

Hi Maroon,

I read through the link that you shared. It sounds like you are hedging -- hoping that this shot across the bow (serving divorce papers) is not what your wife wants? You want to save the marriage.

Many of us on these boards have been through high-conflict divorces. Not all people with BPD are high-conflict personalities (HCPs). This is a term that Bill Eddy describes (highconflictinstitute.com) in his book Splitting, about divorcing someone with BPD or NPD. He co-wrote it with Randi Kreger. Someone with BPD is not necessarily HCP, but someone who is HCP typically has a PD, recruits negative advocates, and has a target of blame. Many of us here have been through a high-conflict divorce, and so there is a tendency to treat all pwBPD as though they are HCPs. Eddy wrote an article about what he calls the "theory of pattern of blame" that we have on bpdfamily. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271911.msg12580077#msg12580077

It's really this type of BPD sufferer that causes the most trauma in family law courts, especially when kids are involved. Since you are not likely going to experience a custody battle (if I'm reading your story correctly?) then you will avoid some of the worst of what can happen. However, if your wife is a HCP, then you have to protect yourself from false allegations (child molestation, domestic violence). Sadly, sometimes aggressive lawyers can create high-conflict divorces because they step on BPD triggers and off they go.

I wanted to mention this because some of the advice you get here is influenced by this distinction between BPD and HCP.

Knowing your wife's tendencies, and having the skills that you've learned on the Staying board will help you stay centered. It will go a long way.

If you feel your wife is not HCP, and if you want to delay the divorce process, it's certainly possible to do that! Emotionally, this is complex. Because boundaries are so important. Will you allow your wife to use threat of divorce like this in the future? If she feels victimized, and filing for divorce relieves some of the negative feelings she struggles to cope with, she may do this again. And again.

Your wife may flip back and forth between psychological and emotional reactions to divorce -- that's common for many of us. I left my marriage, but I also struggled with the overwhelming feelings of grief that made my heart ache for someone who I felt was so wonderful, but also so tragic. And my son's father. It is heart breaking to watch our kids come to terms with the end of the relationship. I've never experienced such pain.  :'(

It's important, too, that you understand validation, and use these skills with your kids. There are some excellent resources on the Coparenting board about validating kids, including divorced/blended families, young children, teens, and a nice one about how to use validating questions:

TOOLS: The Power of Validating How Kids Feels

Read more: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=272638.msg12585648#msg12585648

This might help you guide your son as he struggles with his changing relationship with your wife. I was also so hungry for information during my transition. If you are interested in reading more material about raising emotionally resilient kids (when one parent has BPD), there is an entire lesson devoted to it on the coparenting board: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331459#msg1331459

I hope this is helpful.

Do you have a lawyer at this point?

[ForeverDad]

If you feel your wife is not HCP, and if you want to delay the divorce process, it's certainly possible to do that! Emotionally, this is complex. Because boundaries are so important. Will you allow your wife to use threat of divorce like this in the future? If she feels victimized, and filing for divorce relieves some of the negative feelings she struggles to cope with, she may do this again. And again.

This triggered a memory of my separation back in late 2005.  I had a temporary protection order (TPO) based on her death threats (threat of DV) and so had the house.  My then-spouse lived for a while in a "House of Peace" women's shelter at an undisclosed location.  Well she did tit for tat and went to domestic court and claimed I was the abuser.  So we both got protection orders against each other too.  Meanwhile domestic court gave her temporary custody of our preschooler despite her pending municipal court case.  This is what I wrote back then:

... .in court during mutual protection cases, when I testified about her actions and her threats, her attorney asked me if I weighed more than her (of course) wanted to divorce (of course not) then he said I must want to control her.  Huh?  How could he ever say that of me?  I just said no.  I should have replied (remember this, guys, in your own testimonies and cross-examinations) our child is smaller than both of us, should our child fear us because we're bigger?  Anyway, he then asked if I wanted her back home that night, I guess still pursuing that 'controlling husband' strategy.  Fortunately, I said, No, not the way she is.

So beware of this trap her lawyer may pursue, that if you want her back then the insinuation will be made that it's actually to get her back under your 'control'.  Sorry, but once they go down the 'victim' road the unsubstantiated insinuations can take a life of their own.

In addition, unless she gets into serious therapy and makes demonstrable progress over time - more than just promises or a couple sessions - any reunion will almost surely restart the past dysfunctional patterns and cycles.  You can't fix her.  Period.  Maybe she can fix herself, but only if she really works hard at it and with long term professional guidance.