New here, introducing myself

[JeanSchimmel]

Hello,

I've just found this site about 15 minutes ago after getting no where fast trying to figure out the 'groups' board on a yahoo based BPD website. I'm delighted to see there appears to be a lot of people here and a lot of links to resources.

My background, I've been married to my BPD husband (I don't know the abbreviations everyone used yet) for 26 years, we do not have children together, he has a daughter from a previous marriage. I've known for 26 years my spouse has some temperament/emotional issues (he admits he's always had them and has sought help his entire adult life). We have sought therapy several times over the years that were not helpful at all.

Four days ago after having a one-sided screaming fight I decided once again to look for answers about his behavior to help me understand what's wrong with him, and myself. I finally came across the description for BPD written in a way that I finally found a possible diagnosis for him. I've been reading everything I can to learn more about this disorder and how I can use that information to improve my life and possibly my spouses.

From what I've read so far my spouse is highly functional, yet he meets so many of the descriptions it's unquestionable that this is the disorder he has. I'd like to learn a lot more about this before mentioning this to him.

I'm here to learn about BPD and possibly find some answers and get some help for both of us. Please feel free to direct me to information that might help me learn. Thanks!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Welcome JeanSchimmel glad you found us

You will find the abbreviations HERE they can take a little getting used to at first.

You are correct in that we have lots of information here to enable to find logic in what is what is occurring in your relationship. It is also good that your partner is open to there being issues. A guide to help you determine whether this is what you are dealing with can be found here, including a short video.

What are the Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder?.

You will find a lot of support here from people here who are going through, or have been through similar to you and it is an open and friendly place to discuss those things that often leave you scratching your head.

We understand

Waverider

[Sunfl0wer]

Just wanted to pop in and say hello. 

I think I've been coming here a month now.  Awesome group of smart and supportive people!

I consider my ex BF to have a mild mix of both BPD and NPD traits.  I am aware that because he is mostly so high functioning that he would never ger this diagnosis officially.  He functions rather well in all aspects of life, except within the home.  There is no way anyone not versed in the traits unique to personality disordered persons could ever truely understand my experience.  The folks here get his splitting, rages, silent treatments, passive aggressiveness, communication and thought process difficulties. For the purpose of recieving support here, the diagnosis does not matter, we understand the behaviors that are common experiences for us all.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi JeanSchimmel,  

I would like to join Waverider and Sunfl0wer and welcome you.

You have come to the right place for support and resources.  

I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time with some of your husband's behaviors.    I understand how confusing and frustrating it is dealing with erratic and dramatic behavior.

The link Waverider provided is very helpful in understanding the traits and characteristics of BPD.  Learning about the disorder helps us to understand why our person with BPD (pwBPD) is behaving in such a dramatic manner. Ultimately learning about BPD, helps us not take our pwBPD's behavior personally.  

What types of behaviors are you having a hard time coping with?  

[JeanSchimmel]

Thank-you for the reply's and welcomes, it does mean a lot to me! At this exact moment I'm in a tornado of thoughts and emotions. I've gotten over excited (happy) finding out about disorder.

I've been staying up very late at night reading while my spouse is sleeping, so I can learn about this with-out talking to him about it right now. So unfortunately, I'm struggling to even type a simple sentence (I'm that tired). I can't wait to engage in meaningful conversation and I hope you'll all still be here when I've rested and can talk.

Thanks for responding!

[EaglesJuju]

At this exact moment I'm in a tornado of thoughts and emotions. I've gotten over excited (happy) finding out about disorder.

It does feel exciting and relieving knowing that there is an answer for the behavior.

I can't wait to engage in meaningful conversation and I hope you'll all still be here when I've rested and can talk.

We will be here for you. 

[ColdEthyl]

Hello and welcome! 

Once that tornado dies down, and you have any specific issues you have questions or need help on... .please let us know This is a very supportive community. I also cried/felt relief when I discovered what was going on with my dBPDh (diagnosed BPD husband) and that I wasn't going crazy!

[JeanSchimmel]

I have a concept I'm trying to understand in learning about BPD, that I'm unsure about. Can someone help explain this, please?

In the multiple descriptions I've read describing BPD traits and how to recognize someone with BPD it's always mentioned that they have a hard time maintaining relationships. I know my uBPDh had big struggles in romantic relationships before we met. But we've been married now for 26 years (even though it hasn't been a easy marriage), so doesn't that work against the possibility that he has BPD?

I haven't seen anything written to explain or except that possibility.

I know he strongly fears abandonment and divorce (even though we threaten it regularly during fights) I work very hard to keep peace and forgive, so that's what keeps us together. He also has no friends and is constantly in an, on-again and off-again relationships with his relatives.

[waverider]

It is a cluster disorder. That means a collection. Of traits defines It. Any one individual will unlikely have them all. Which leads to the next issue don't fall into the trap of over stereotyping. Your H is still an individual and it is too easy to jump to conclusions

[ColdEthyl]

I have a concept I'm trying to understand in learning about BPD, that I'm unsure about. Can someone help explain this, please?

In the multiple descriptions I've read describing BPD traits and how to recognize someone with BPD it's always mentioned that they have a hard time maintaining relationships. I know my uBPDh had big struggles in romantic relationships before we met. But we've been married now for 26 years (even though it hasn't been a easy marriage), so doesn't that work against the possibility that he has BPD?

I haven't seen anything written to explain or except that possibility.

I know he strongly fears abandonment and divorce (even though we threaten it regularly during fights) I work very hard to keep peace and forgive, so that's what keeps us together. He also has no friends and is constantly in an, on-again and off-again relationships with his relatives.

I echo what waverider said. My H always had long term relationships, his first marriage was 16 years, then a gf for 3 years before her untimley death, gf of 5 years than me, married 2 years, together 6, thus far. He also has no friends, and an on again off again relationship with his family members.

It's a spectrum disorder, much like autism if that helps you relate.

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi JeanSchimmel and Welcome! 

This site has been great for me.  I think you will find it very helpful.  To answer your

question- my uBPDh and i have been married for over 30 years.  He is a great provider and wonderful in many ways.  Still our r/s is very difficult due to rages, projection, and problems with communication among other things. 

As i understand it, a BPD person seeks a caretaker to smooth the way for them, and often a caretaker seeks someone to take care of or rescue.   But, this is an unhealthy dependency. The arrangement does not allow either the personal independence that is necessary to grow and thrive as an individual. 

Caretakers, like me and presumably you,  don't like to give up.  We cling doggedly to the relationship.  Trying over and over to get it right.  When dealing with BPD, it is almost never "right".  That is why we say we are "Walking on Eggshells".  We never know what will set off the next explosion.


But, the good news is that there are coping techniques that are proven to help. 

Check out the lessons and book reviews on this website.  There is much to know and practice. 

Looking forward to hearing more from you.

[JeanSchimmel]

It is a cluster disorder. That means a collection. Of traits defines It. Any one individual will unlikely have them all. Which leads to the next issue don't fall into the trap of over stereotyping. Your H is still an individual and it is too easy to jump to conclusions

Again, trying to make sense of things:

I've been talking to my uPBDh's sister about this possible diagnosis for him. She agrees it's very possible that he has BPD. The thing I'm struggling with as I communicate to her about this is, she dismisses this BPD illness as being the answer BECAUSE this is a "collection" of traits like a junk drawer.

My sister in-law (who is supportive of me) has been dealing with severe mental illness in one of her adult children for many years. She's spent a lot of time talking to doctors and reading about mental illnesses. So I defer to her as more of an expert on mental health than myself. We've been trying to figure out what disorder my H has for 26 years. We find things that seem like close matches like depression or Bi Polar, etc... .but they barely cover all the actions my uBPD displays so we move on from those matches.

Having read more on this possible diagnosis of BPD than her and being closer to the person with it... .I feel certain that this is the ONE final correct diagnosis. I'd love to get her completely on board with me. But I haven't been able to verbalize why I think this is the ONE diagnosis... .verses her sort of dismissal comments of BPD as just being a junk collection of traits that changes from person to person... .verses another diagnosis that's very specific.

Can you lead me to any writings that clarify that although the BPD is a cluster disorder it's not just a junk drawer to describe everyone who doesn't fit into another diagnosis? Or, is it a junk drawer and I shouldn't focus in on one possible diagnosis (BPD) verses several? ... .still confused

[Michelle27]

I have a concept I'm trying to understand in learning about BPD, that I'm unsure about. Can someone help explain this, please?

In the multiple descriptions I've read describing BPD traits and how to recognize someone with BPD it's always mentioned that they have a hard time maintaining relationships. I know my uBPDh had big struggles in romantic relationships before we met. But we've been married now for 26 years (even though it hasn't been a easy marriage), so doesn't that work against the possibility that he has BPD?

I haven't seen anything written to explain or except that possibility.

I know he strongly fears abandonment and divorce (even though we threaten it regularly during fights) I work very hard to keep peace and forgive, so that's what keeps us together. He also has no friends and is constantly in an, on-again and off-again relationships with his relatives.

As much as the behaviors of pwBPD are similar (and yes, what a relief to find out it makes sense and others have/are going through this), there are different manifestations.  In my husband's case, he was married before me, but it didn't last long.  We've been together now for 15 years, and the first 7 were actually really good.  I now know that he was what I would describe as "high functioning" and coped very well with the deep shame and self hatred.  All that went out the window when he "crashed" (his description) 8 years ago when his son from his first marriage disclosed that he had been horribly abused in his mother's home.  I now believe that it brought up his own childhood abuse issues and that his parents didn't protect him and he wasn't able to protect his son.   So I think some do cope and are able to maintain a semblance of normal-ish relationships.  But I do think it is harder for them than people who don't have BPD.

[ColdEthyl]

What we usually say here is to try not to focus too much on an diagnosis, rather learn the lessons and tools here to help deal with the symptoms. Even if you could pinpoint BPD exactly, most therapists are not fans of treating or diagnosing.

[JeanSchimmel]

What we usually say here is to try not to focus too much on an diagnosis, rather learn the lessons and tools here to help deal with the symptoms. Even if you could pinpoint BPD exactly, most therapists are not fans of treating or diagnosing.

I've been figuring out the ways to deal with the symptoms for 26 years. So far I think I've done rather well because I've been doing the things recommended to do ... .all on my own (through trial and error). But I do long for a diagnosis and my spouse has spent years of tears, screaming and begging for some sort of answer to why he is, like he is. I know a formal diagnosis isn't for everyone and it certainly isn't going to change his behavior in any way. But it would give us all something tangible to explain the behavior and give some peace of knowing what this is. From there... .we'll be better able to deal with the problems one crisis to another, with focus that we are doing the right things to help/comfort/defer/support/not to support/etc... .this specific problem BPD.

[ColdEthyl]

What we usually say here is to try not to focus too much on an diagnosis, rather learn the lessons and tools here to help deal with the symptoms. Even if you could pinpoint BPD exactly, most therapists are not fans of treating or diagnosing.

I've been figuring out the ways to deal with the symptoms for 26 years. So far I think I've done rather well because I've been doing the things recommended to do ... .all on my own (through trial and error). But I do long for a diagnosis and my spouse has spent years of tears, screaming and begging for some sort of answer to why he is, like he is. I know a formal diagnosis isn't for everyone and it certainly isn't going to change his behavior in any way. But it would give us all something tangible to explain the behavior and give some peace of knowing what this is. From there... .we'll be better able to deal with the problems one crisis to another, with focus that we are doing the right things to help/comfort/defer/support/not to support/etc... .this specific problem BPD.

OK... .sorry if I offended you D: As stated before, BPD is a spectrum disorder, so it is a 'junk drawer' as your sister in law is seeing it as... .as is most mental illnesses.

From the sounds of it I would say he shows traits of BPD. My dBPDh's son shows sign of BPD as well. When we first met them (he and his son were estranged) he said the same thing. He cried, saying his knows he thinks different than everyone else, his anger, etc and I told him what it was. It didn't make a difference to date. He hasn't gotten help or anything like that, but at least he has a name to it I suppose.

I understand your frustrations and his. I combed the Internet trying to figure out what was 'wrong' with my H. When I finally found BPD and a name for it... .I was obsessed with learning everything I could about it, and how to 'cure' it. What's awesome though is the lessons and tools on this site that help us as non learn how to communicate with our pwBPD better that will result in less dysregulations, less stress of both parties involved. In a year's time, my H and I still have a long way to go, but things are definitely much better for both of us

[EaglesJuju]

Hi JeanSchimmel,  

I understand how you could feel frustrated with trying to understand or find the cause of your husband's behavior and find a name for it.     

As ColdEthyl said, diagnostic criteria for  personality disorders are unfortunately a "junk drawer" of behavioral patterns, traits, and characteristics.  The conceptualization of personality disorders, relies on amalgamating typical or most common personality traits or characteristics.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-V), the difference between non-personality disordered individuals is an "enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the individuals culture.  The enduring pattern is inflexible and pervasive across a broad range of personal and social situations. The enduring pattern leads to clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. The pattern is stable and of a long duration and its onset can be traced back to adolescence or early adult hood.

This pattern is manifested in two (or more) of the following area:

1) cognition (ways of perceiving and interpreting self, other people, and events)

2) affectivity (the range, intensity, lability, and appropriateness of emotional response)

3.) interpersonal functioning

4.) impulse control"

Each of the 10 different personality disorders listed in the DSM, has 9 specific diagnostic criteria. All of the diagnostic criteria focuses on repeat maladaptive behaviors and psychopathology.  For a person to be diagnosed with a personality disorder, only 5 out of the 9 diagnostic criteria is needed.  Hypothetically one person may fit 5 out of 9 diagnostic criteria for BPD (frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment, identity disturbance, recurrent suicidal behavior, chronic feelings of emptiness, and inappropriate, intense anger). On the other hand another individual may fit 5 out of the 9 criteria, but they do not have recurrent suicidal behavior, instead they fit the criteria for unstable interpersonal relationships.

Each person, is unique in their emotions, feelings, thought patterns, and behaviors. This is true for personality disordered individuals.  The level of intensity of behaviors, feelings, emotions, and thought patterns are on a broad spectrum. As Michelle27 mentioned, there are variances with the functionality of people with BPD (pwBPD) sometimes referred to as either "high functioning" or "low functioning."

I understand how you could be worried about having the right diagnosis. Psychiatrists or psychologists have been extensively trained in recognizing maladaptive behaviors. There are many different psychological tests to diagnose BPD, but many psychiatrists or psychologists tend to rely on the DSM. A psychologist or psychiatrist will spend a few sessions with the patient to establish a relationship and build trust. From there they will ask specific questions relating to the diagnostic criteria.

Sometimes a patient will exhibit different diagnostic criteria of other personality disorders.  In the DSM, personality disorders are delineated into Clusters factoring common traits. There are three clusters: Cluster A, B, and C. Cluster A personality disorders are "odd-eccentric." Cluster B personality disorders are "dramatic-emotional." Cluster C disorders are "anxious-fearful." BPD falls into the Cluster B spectrum of disorders.  There is a tendency for overlapping diagnostic criteria amongst the different clusters.  If there is enough overlap for fitting two or more diagnostic criteria, that is what psychologists refer to as comorbidity. For example a person who fits 6 out of 9 criteria for BPD, but also fits 5 out of 9 criteria for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) would be referred to as BPD/NPD comorbid.

[JeanSchimmel]

That did help me understand more EaglesJuju, thank-you! I see now that I focused in too tightly to the description examples in the first book I've been reading. It was just uncanny how many examples strongly lined up with what's happening in my life with my H. That's why I try to listen to my sister in-law... .seems she's right.

So my list of things to learn keeps growing. The top (for lack of a better word) source for understanding mental disorders is what the DMS writes. Is this something I can read or does it require serious studies in psychology? Should I be learning/reading from their writings/text instead of individual people who have published books on the topic first?  And would you be able to provide any links to their writings on BPD (not that I'm too lazy to search, just that it seems you know where to look)?

I'm worried about having the right diagnosis because every time it's the wrong diagnosis my H looses faith in mental health care workers. Then he thinks there's nothing wrong with him after all, since no one can figure it out. Hope that made sense... .?

Thanks so much for taking the time to write out that description EaglesJuju! And thank-you to others who have added their thoughts, I do really appreciate it!

[mtview]

Hi just wanted to welcome you here. I haven't been on that long but the people here are helpful and it is a good site. Good luck with everything

[waverider]

BPD is also commonly comorbid with other disorders just complicate things. That means there are other issues too.

If you both want a definitive diagnosis, then you need to get a professional to do it. All anyone else can say is that traits exist

[EaglesJuju]

Hi JeanSchimmel, 

The top (for lack of a better word) source for understanding mental disorders is what the DSM writes.

The DSM is the gold standard for psychology and used by most professionals.  It is rife with psychological terminology and concepts and can be hard for someone to understand who is not familiar with the technical jargon.

Should I be learning/reading from their writings/text instead of individual people who have published books on the topic first?  And would you be able to provide any links to their writings on BPD (not that I'm too lazy to search, just that it seems you know where to look)?

I would suggest reading books published on the topic that are geared towards the public, not solely for professionals. There are many books recommended on this site. There are a few that are the "gold standards" for learning about BPD,  Stop Walking on Eggshells, I Hate You, Don't Leave Me, and Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. There is actually an entire board devoted to book reviews.  Here is the link. 

Book Reviews

Also, this article gives an in-depth understanding of BPD from a clinical perspective.

Article 3: Borderline Personality Disorder - A Clinical Perspective

I'm worried about having the right diagnosis because every time it's the wrong diagnosis my H looses faith in mental health care workers. Then he thinks there's nothing wrong with him after all, since no one can figure it out. Hope that made sense... .?

I can understand how your husband may lose faith in mental health care workers. Sometimes it does take a couple of wrong diagnoses to find the right one. A diagnosis is truly reliant on the patient/therapist relationship. If a patient does not feel comfortable with a therapist and does not discuss certain things, it is hard for a therapist to make a diagnosis. 

My bf has been diagnosed with a plethora of mental illnesses from a variety of psychiatrists in his lifetime. He has been seeing the same  psychiatrist off and on for over 12 years.  My bf saw another psychiatrist and wanted to put him on new medication immediately. This reaction triggered my bf and he did not end up working with the psychiatrist. Recently, he went back to his old psychiatrist and I think has been or is being diagnosed with BPD. My bf has mentioned various precise diagnostic criteria and describes it and I believe he has been diagnosed, but will not tell me. For him, it has taken many wrong diagnoses to finally make a right one. 

[JeanSchimmel]

Point or Question #1.

"Psychiatrists or psychologists have been extensively trained in recognizing maladaptive behaviors. There are many different psychological tests to diagnose BPD, but many psychiatrists or psychologists tend to rely on the DSM. A psychologist or psychiatrist will spend a few sessions with the patient to establish a relationship and build trust. From there they will ask specific questions relating to the diagnostic criteria."

If only that happened for my H. We'd go to several sessions (maybe 4 or 5) with therapists and my H always did the most talking (I sat quietly most of the time, no one saw me a co-dependent). H would start at the beginning of his life/problems, we'd listen to him. Than the therapist would say something like learn how to put a stop sign up in your mind when you have a problem, or go to your happy place when you have a problem or "do you two have a special song that can bring you closer?". That would end our attempts at therapy immediately and enrage my H! Because it was insulting to his intelligence. He struggles greatly but at the same time he's not dumb (by any means)... .

If he could put up that stop sign, he'd have done it long ago (he'd scream to me in private when he'd refuse to go back to the therapist).

From my perspective the professionals take whatever comes from my husbands mouth as the real truth/only truth. They never questioned (out loud or to me in private) that perhaps he wasn't viewing things correctly. I don't know how many sessions one needs for the professional to see through the façade, because we never could get that far into therapy. So I wonder about the tests you mention. My spouse knows what the right answers should be and can deceive anyone when he's on his best behavior (on his best behavior he's quiet charming). Plus my H lies to himself with-in his own head... .So far he's been diagnosed with depression (why because that's about all he admits to)... .so forgive me, I have gotten frustrated over the years and many attempts for help... .just as he has.  So if I can get my H back to a professional for a diagnosis I've got to make damn sure it's with the right person (not just any professional) and they get a lot more background immediately from me not in front of my spouse.

I need to figure out who to go to and what to bring in advance.

Point or Question #2.

I feel like I'm trying to make order/sense out of scraps of information everywhere on this website... .it's a bit confusing at times (for me). If there was ever a way to organize all this information in a step by step guide for newbies, I would find that very helpful. I suppose it just me... .

[JeanSchimmel]

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a103.htm

Thank-you, I have read that previously and I just read it again. My H definitely fits into that description with "complications" too. He has some other traits of personality disorders. With this I also can say he has plenty of times being high functioning (great job, 26 year marriage, no suicide attempts) and a few times a year when he can barely function (almost needs to be hospitalized).

He's tried so many anti-depressants I can't name all of them. The one that did work caused erectile problems so of course he stopped that. Although my H does have depression I think his mood disorders are more of a problem in his life. I just learned that there are mood stabilizing drugs. What's your opinion of these? Do they really deaden a persons emotions or just even out rages (can the get the dose regulated tightly)?

[JeanSchimmel]

After reading someone else's comment on another thread I came back to this thread to add something. Apparently if a certain amount of time passes you can no longer go back and edit/add to a post?

Anyway what I wanted to add that made a lot of sense to me was this, "I actually think she may like therapy only because it gives her the opportunity to vent." That's how my H approaches T, he vents about me (that I'm the root of his current problems. I'm the reason he's so unhappy because I don't make enough money so he can quit his job (the source of his current melt down)).

Does that make any sense? He vents his anger at me to the T and it derails the therapists attention. So things get focused on all the issues he has hating me, instead of figuring out that he really has BPD.

[NGU]

If there was ever a way to organize all this information in a step by step guide for newbies, I would find that very helpful.

If you're looking for a literal step-by-step guide, even if there's one available, it won't match your situation perfectly. For how much we're all in the same boat, we all have specific relationships and different immediate needs.

lessons

Click that link and scroll down the page. You can cherry-pick from dozens of topics. Don't let the simplicity of the layout fool you. There's a lot of info there.

[waverider]

Totally understand re the disjointed way we can get information overload. The lessons link NGU gave is good for putting it in some kind of structured way to work your way through them slowly.

[babyducks]

Jean,

These are my experiences with mental health diagnoses and my SO.  It might be different where you live and in your mental health community.

Where I am, BPD is very much considered a negative diagnosis and the term is used in a derogatory way.  BPD is considered incurable and therapists turn patients away.   Even amongst the pecking order of the mentally ill, pwBPD carry a stigma.

For that reason therapist don't often use this diagnosis.    Specifically in my partner's case, she reacts with anger and hostility when she even hears the term.   So her official diagnosis is Bipolar 1 with B Cluster Family of Origin Stress Disorders.   This is fine because it enabled her to create a working relationship with her therapist and doctors that has endured.

I have also had the experience of being at therapist visits with my partner that quickly became verbal wrestling matches.   Many of us here will tell you that Marriage counseling with pwBPD is rarely successfully because it degrades into a needs entitlement war. 

I am wondering if you have considered going to see a therapist, by yourself, for yourself.   It's only a suggestion but it occurs to me that you could then describe the very specific situation you have with your Husband and ask the detailed questions you have.

I spent a year and half in therapy by myself, for myself, and gained more than I could ever say.  To a degree my partner did say 'see I told you there was something wrong with you' but I didn't care.  I was doing something to make my life better and I deserved it.  It was a great gift I gave myself.

After being enmeshed in a BPD r/s for a while it took some time and effort to turn the focus back to what is good for me and to allow my partner to be responsible for her own health decisions.   

'ducks

[NGU]

Bipolar 1 with B Cluster Family of Origin Stress Disorders

I had to Google that.

Return #1: An article that contained the subject "Problems with the Diagnostic System for Personality Disorders."

Return #2: Wikipedia's article on BPD.

You'll have to draw your own conclusions on that one... .I just woke up and the caffeine hasn't kicked in yet.

[babyducks]

I had to Google that.

Return #1: An article that contained the subject "Problems with the Diagnostic System for Personality Disorders."

Return #2: Wikipedia's article on BPD.

You'll have to draw your own conclusions on that one... .I just woke up and the caffeine hasn't kicked in yet.

Kind of re-enforces my point,  here, BPD is a negative diagnosis and the doctor is trying to avoid the term.

[JeanSchimmel]

I am wondering if you have considered going to see a therapist, by yourself, for yourself.   It's only a suggestion but it occurs to me that you could then describe the very specific situation you have with your Husband and ask the detailed questions you have.

I spent a year and half in therapy by myself, for myself, and gained more than I could ever say.  To a degree my partner did say 'see I told you there was something wrong with you' but I didn't care.  I was doing something to make my life better and I deserved it.  It was a great gift I gave myself.

After being enmeshed in a BPD r/s for a while it took some time and effort to turn the focus back to what is good for me and to allow my partner to be responsible for her own health decisions.   

Yes, totally! I'm beginning to realize just how much I should see a T.

I am struggling to comprehend this all. There's more to my story than just my husband having uBPD.

My father was mentally ill (although I never heard a D for him) it's pretty possible I was raised by a parent with uBPD and a Mother who was VERY co-dependent with plenty of problems of her own!

My inner support group (sister in-law) has urged me to seek help. She keeps pressuring me with "What are you going to do about this (now that you understand your S is sick)" and she's been telling me to divorce her brother for years.

I'm also at a cross road with my career. I own a small business and my lease is up June 1st. I haven't found a new location so come June 1 I either go out of business or make a huge investment in signing another lease. While at the same time my H is insisting we retire soon and move out of this area. AND if we did stay here he constantly pressures me to close my business (because it takes time away from him).

So, yes I clearly need help! It's been one week now since I discovered BPD that so describes what's been going on in my life. Less then a week since I've realized I'm co-dependent and I hadn't put away my childhood problems as well as I thought. I've gone threw some tough emotions this week realizing all of this. You all have been really very helpful here!

It's been wonderful to have others who understood what I've been living with and are actually supportive/helpful. That's why I keep posting on this thread. In a lot of way I suppose I'm I shock my life is in such a huge shambles and working in slow motion trying to absorb all of this. So I keep seeking reassurance here... .thank-you it's helping!