not drinking

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Now ex is saying I drink! what the heck I am nursing, haven't had a drink since before I was pregnant. How do you prove you don't drink, its not like I could do a hair sample for alcohol.

[rarsweet]

Now ex is saying I drink! what the heck I am nursing, haven't had a drink since before I was pregnant. How do you prove you don't drink, its not like I could do a hair sample for alcohol.

[ForeverDad]

It is astounding the lows people will sink to, it's common for a pwBPD or other acting-out PD to make horrendous allegations, scruples are tossed when it comes to blaming, blame-shifting, custody and parenting.

I recall the months after my separation.  Ex's first allegation was that I had allowed preschooler to tip his bicycle and chip his elbow.  Not even a scratch of course, he was stopped at that time.  It was basically ignored by the court.  Then a few months later she took son to the hospital claiming "my son told me... ."  Well, I refuse to mention her claim here, real sick stuff, but the symptom was claimed to be anal itching.  Hugely serious allegation.  I think that was the time the hospital logs documented that, when interviewed away from mother, son said "I wish I saw my dad more".  The outcome?  Mother was given a prescription for pinworms based on the empirical* evidence.   She was aiming to get papers blaming me as an abuser to wave around in family court and failed, I have no indication she ever bothered to get the medication.

*Empirical (definition: based on, concerned with, or verifiable by observation or experience rather than theory or pure logic)

[maxen]

How do you prove you don't drink

you shouldn't have to, and may not have to, it's an allegation only, and your maternal status and perhaps your credit card record (showing when you did and didn't buy alcohol) should stand to you if you need to defend yourself. he's flailing. that's what you should take from this.

i'm very sorry for your experience, we haven't children so i can't imagine the pain.

[rarsweet]

Lol I literally haven't had one single drink since 2013, pre pregnancy. Certainly haven't bought any.

[livednlearned]

Try to not let it get to you if you can.

My ex was a fall-down drunk, pooped in his own bed type of drunk, missing work kind of drunk. In his deposition, he said he drank to excess but wasn't an alcoholic, and has quit drinking many times in his life.   

And the judge barely cared. In fact, he didn't care at all.

The other lawyer in my case wanted the custody order to say that neither party could drink before or during visitation and for the first time in my marriage/divorce I got so angry! That was like saying N/BPDx did cocaine, so BOTH parties could not do cocaine. When cocaine is his problem! Not to mention that S13 was with me 3/4 of the time, so if I had a glass of wine with dinner that was violating the order. I can't really drink alcohol because of a medical thing and the whole charade made me so mad I pushed back about the whole "both parents agree to not drink" clause.

Apparently, it's very common for custody orders to have the same limitations for both parents, but I was so p!ssed about this that the other lawyer backed down. So my big win? Having a custody order that said N/BPDx could not drink before or during visitation. And guess how effective that was at stopping him from drinking. He just hid it better, and then drank after S13 went to bed, judging by the incoherent emails that came usually around 9pm.

And then when N/BPDx had his big psychotic episode, he had a forensic psychiatric evaluation and even admitted he was drinking that night. And guess who cared? No one. They did care, however, that he documented the whole thing in email, text, and voicemail when he was a lawyer who should know better.

Family court.

Gah.

[rarsweet]

My fear is because I am breastfeeding it could be considered worse.

[ForeverDad]

My fear is because I am breastfeeding it could be considered worse.

In this case his bark is worse than his bite.  If a court is going to hear this allegation, then try to get the pediatrician to provide a report of your child's heath and progress.  If no concerns are listed that could be attributed to your adult behaviors, then court likely would not see his unsubstantiated claim as credible.  Doesn't mean they'll give him any consequences, but it would likely be dismissed.  However, you do have to defend yourself and your parenting, you can't let this be undisputed if he has gone to court or agencies with it.

So the main question is, where is he making these claims?  Has this be presented as an allegation to court or associated agencies?  Or is he just trying to make you look bad to others?  Or trying to intimidate you and put you on the defensive?

[scraps66]

If this is just a comment, let it go.  If this is being stated in court, and I would hope his L would counsel against this, just simply state this is not true.  You'll have to learn to not jump the gun at every little things because there will be MANY untrue statements made.  If you react to each of them you will wear yourself out.

Incidentally, my ex drank while nursing with our second child.  She found the local La Leche (I started calling them the "Boob Nazis" group to justify her drinking. When I expressed a concern she began drinking with regularity and while nursing - I mean drinking wine at the same time as she was nursing.  Psychological abuse toward me at the expense of the infants.

I don't think there is any use in taking this up with the pediatrician and elevating this beyond the level of a distorted statement.   

[rarsweet]

He emailed me in February and said he heard I was at a bar and that drinking is bad while nursing, I ignored it as I work in a bar/ restaurant. I have stated in court before basically my attributes, employed, have an apartment, going to school, don't drink or do drugs, etc. Now just sort of offhand says " her claim to not drinking is a farce" in court papers. You all are right. I do have all daughters med records, she's in the 95 percentile, and as healthy as it gets. I also do a program with her, child development like, and she had a developmental assessment last month, she is so far ahead of her age, the lady who does the assessments said the next one they will assess her at the age level that comes after her age. On April 15th we do the next assessment, she will be 8.5 months and and they are doing a 12 month assessment. She is such a smart cookie . Yes I probably just freaked out when I read his claim. I really want to just say " prove it" and let it go.

[rarsweet]

And I have asked ex to go to these appointments, he refuses, so last time I gave him a copy of the assessment, will do so again next time.

[scraps66]

You'll have to keep these stupid and absurd issues at bay.  At times these people will throw things out there and then get everyone else working down the tangent to avoid addressing the real issues.  It took me awhile and quite a few $$ to realize this and to craft a plan to bring resolution despite the zaniness ont he other side.  Even still it was difficult.     

[livednlearned]

scraps makes a good point about whether this is just a comment, or whether it's something to defend in court. And it sounds like you are not responding to him -- that's good! You're coming here to work through it instead. Smart!

When we give people attention for doing something negative, especially someone who has BPD who wants to engage, we reinforce them. He wants you to pay attention to him. It's so important to have a neutral, almost bland response. When my ex wrote something alarming to me (copying my L), she would write back to me: ":)o not engage. Do not engage. Do not engage." If you absolutely have to engage because of your child, do it as impassively as you can.

I started to learn over time what required my attention legally, and what didn't. Figuring out what to worry about, what to ignore is a process that takes time. You have to get a feel for family court, and specifically for your judge. I began to learn how my judge handled things and that gave me some parameters for how I responded to N/BPDx. Having a good L and a good parenting coordinator also helped me develop confidence.  

Pretend your x is a 4 year old child trying to get attention. He would rather get in trouble or get you angry than be ignored. Even if there are negative consequences for him, he'll do it because being ignored is worse that that. He'll keep looking for things that press your buttons if something doesn't work. But lucky him, he just hit the jackpot! Drinking while breastfeeding worked! Don't let him know that it bugs you, try to either not respond, or respond in a way that shows you are confident. He'll have to move on to something else.

He will keep trying to find something, and it's hard to remain entirely impassive when a child is involved. But as much as you can, even if you are alarmed, try to not give him a reaction.

And then try to work on not having an emotional reaction as much as possible -- so you can be whole and healthy and present for your daughter, focusing on her obvious genius and 95 percentile  

You know you're not drinking while nursing. That's what matters.

[ForeverDad]

And I have asked ex to go to these appointments, he refuses, so last time I gave him a copy of the assessment, will do so again next time.

Perhaps you can just inform him of the appointments.  If he doesn't attend you can either send him a copy or if you want to reduce the interaction, then he can get the copies himself from the pediatrician's office.  (Probably a photocopy fee will apply.)

[rarsweet]

Its actually a program in the area, they are contractors for health and human services, so they do supervised visits and such, and they do private programs such as Zero to Three, attachment parenting, home visits, lactation consults, etc, they also have the Le leche league local chapter run there. They do developmental assessments and referrals if the child or parents need services, play groups, teen parenting and sex ed, really a great group to be involved in. He refuses to be involved.

[bravhart1]

SD6's BPDm told the evaluator in our case three years into the custody hearing that she was concerned for SD6 and needed full custody because DH was a huge alcoholic. BPDM then wrote in her declaration that DH drank a two liter bottle of hard alcohol a night and three pots of coffee every morning. The evaluator simply asked DH if he had any serious medical problems, her said no. He asked DH if he was in any kind of renal failure or liver failure he said no, evaluator them said to BPDm, I don't know how he could drink this much over this time frame you claim without serious health consequences, do you think you might be exaggerating this a bit?

That was her out, she could have said it was less, or she didn't know about anymore because she hadn't lived with him or had contact in over four years, but no. She stuck to her guns, it's all true. They wrote that her claims were unfounded in the report. She made herself look dumb, and I'm sure it called into question the rest of what she said.

I read on a website that there are three things that will "work" to get custody of a child. Abuse as in hurting the child physically, drugs and alcohol abuse by a parent, or poor moral behaviour by the parent. So far she has claimed all three, I guess she read the article too.  

Try not to get sucked into their lies. It just takes away from your life and is stressful. I would only deal with what a professional asks you about and be calm and clear. State that he throws out so many untrue accusations that you don't listen anymore. You'll be fine.

[livednlearned]

He refuses to be involved.

You can let this go. You tried, and he cannot participate.

My ex literally broke out in hives when we attended school meetings like meet the teacher or parent/teacher conferences. He only went a handful of times. I gave him multiple opportunities to participate, and probably went too far out of my way in the beginning when things were still fresh with custody and family court.

All the way up until having his visitation terminated, he could not cooperate. I believe the self-loathing is so extreme and unbearable, he would rather face the consequences than be subject to judgment. It was so odd to me in parent/teacher conferences how he behaved, as though we were there to evaluate him, and not discuss our son. Understanding BPD now, it makes sense. He does not see S13 as separate from him. So in his disordered thinking, it really was about N/BPDx.