One more hurdle passed, still not as optimistic as I'd like to be

[Michelle27]

Today, my uBPDh had an intake appointment with our local mental health organization.  It was a follow up to a telephone intake a few weeks ago.  He swears he is ready to get help as without it I don't believe I can ever be emotionally safe in a relationship with him and he knows that I am so ready to leave and move on with my life if there can't be progress.  I've been doing so much work on myself including individual counseling and I honestly don't believe we'll get anywhere unless we both deal with our own issues.  While he's made many promises in the past and never followed through (or manipulated or sabotaged... .both he admits), he claims he is ready to do the work so that I want to stay in the marriage.  I've been handling that so differently this time around because of the work I'm doing on myself.  I'm not making his appointments, finding help or even discussing what he's doing other than to wish him good luck when I know he has something up.   I'm also not engaging in "coaching" or jumping to the bait of his obvious anxiety over this and other appointments as they come up.  Honestly, it's because I need to do something different than what I always did and I realize now that his stuff needs to be handled by him and not me anymore.  I have enough on my plate.

Anyway, back to the appointment... .I didn't have a lot of faith that he would go in there and be honest about what was going on with him.  In other attempts to get help, he minimized things and never got anywhere.  But maybe that's changing now.  He told me afterwards that the intake worker told him he "definitely needs DBT", recommended a book by Marsha Linehan that he came home and ordered right away.  He also said he broke down several times and that he has another appointment in a few weeks and will be in touch with the person he spoke with today by phone regularly in between appointments.  I haven't asked for details beyond what he volunteered but it sounds to me like he was in fact honest about his issues and they saw that he does need and want help.  I want to be optimistic but after almost a decade of disappointments I hesitate to feel like we're really on the road to progress.  I suspect it's because I worked so hard at detaching for so long but I'm happy with what I heard today.   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Mrs.Mclost]

Wow! Good for you, & good for him! He might be getting it! I have a lot of the same feelings and thoughts, especially the  detachment & not wanting to set urself up for disappointment. We started some therapy awhile ago, but had to pay out of pocket so it's been some time since we've gone. The last time I went solo and she did tell me she was concerned about some things regarding suicide and my SO. She asked me if he would be open to taking meds for depression,anxiety,etc. I have not told her what I think his affliction is and have read that trying to treat depression on someone with BPD does not work to well. He said he would be open to that and just doesn't want to feel the pain anymore, but if it doesn't work, I'm wondering if I should just let her in on what I think. I just wanted her to figure it out herself,for him... .I can see him accusing me of planting that seed & eventually being blamed for the diagnosis. LOST again... . 

[waverider]

Totally understandable, there are a lot of back steps even with the best intentions. holding yourself in a centered stable mode like you are is probably the healthiest place for you.

[Michelle27]

Thank you.  I had my last counseling appointment for now last night.  My work plan allows me 10 sessions before they close it and my counselor spoke of how far I've come since I started seeing her in December.  My goal at the time of seeing her was to work through my anger and resentments as well as get help making a decision on whether or not I can continue on in the relationship.  While I still have resentments, the anger has abated a lot and I realize that I don't have to make a decision yet... .I can work on me, placing boundaries and dealing with my own codependency and self esteem issues while allowing him to work on his stuff.  I know I still have to work through a lot of stuff and I'm excited about growing as a person.  I won't allow myself to be swept along by his emotional issues anymore and that is so freeing.  By the same token, I am concerned that maybe I've detached so much that there isn't hope of a mutually satisfying relationship anymore.  Hmmm... .maybe that's a topic for a new thread... .

[waverider]

By the same token, I am concerned that maybe I've detached so much that there isn't hope of a mutually satisfying relationship anymore.  Hmmm... .maybe that's a topic for a new thread... .

This is always the hidden concern when dealing with these issues. Even when both partners get themselves into a healthy place, the changes in personality it takes to get there can still end in RS failure as you are no longer the same people.

It probably is a good subject for a fresh topic

[Notwendy]

One reason we paired with our SO's is because we matched them emotionally in some ways. I had to own my part of the dysfunction and the FOO issues that pre-disposed me for it. When one partner undergoes growth and change, the other might also grow in that direction, or, feel as if the emotional fit isn't there.

However, if we are going to make changes, that is a risk. I think it would be a sad thing but, I feel as if I can't be co-dependent like I used to. I too struggle with feeling detached, but if I was to be honest, I still think some of that is anger and resentment.

However, some of it may just be waking up to the level of our connection as it is. I feel as if my H is deeply connected to me and the kids, in his own way, however, I don't think he can express it verbally well. I do not know if it is possible, and I certainly have tried. I have to accept that I didn't do this to him, his verbally abusive father did ,and that somehow he will have to deal with his own issues in order to make changes with this if he is ever motivated to.

[Mustbeabetterway]

.  While I still have resentments, the anger has abated a lot and I realize that I don't have to make a decision yet... .I can work on me, placing boundaries and dealing with my own codependency and self esteem issues while allowing him to work on his stuff.  I know I still have to work through a lot of stuff and I'm excited about growing as a person.  I won't allow myself to be swept along by his emotional issues anymore and that is so freeing.  By the same token, I am concerned that maybe I've detached so much that there isn't hope of a mutually satisfying relationship anymore.  Hmmm... .maybe that's a topic for a new thread... .

This is exactly where i am in my progress.  I like how you said that you  " don't have to make a decision yet". That is a relief isn't it? I have felt pressure to either leave or go back to the way our r/s was previously.  Well 1.  I am not ready to leave. 2.  I can't go back to the r/s that was. 

Michelle27 and Notwendy, We have discussed this in a previous thread and it has been very helpful to me.  Last night as i was walking the dog, I thought about the discussion we have had on becoming detached and am curious as to how you both (and others) are progressing.

At my last therapy appt.  i asked for feedback on my progress.  The T said that 6 months ago I was confused about my SO behavior, saying things like I just don't understand why he said that, did that, etc.  the T says I don't seem confused any longer but just accepting reality and trying to make a better life for myself.  Working on my issues, finding more peace... .

My husband said to me last night, "i know you are up to something, I just don't know what. ". He has known me most of my life and i am not a sneaky person.  He is so sure I am having an affair because I am detached.  He is not used to me having healthy boundaries, not being emotionally reactive, not trying to move heaven and esrth to please him.  He is incredulous.  He says things like, oh so it is all about you now.  Going to bed whenever, getting up later, exercising whenever you want to.  These things are what normal people do.  It makes me see that I have been such a caretaker. 

I am better, but like everyone else here, will the r/s survive me becoming my own person?

[Michelle27]

When I first went to counseling in late November, it was with the goal of making a decision about my marriage.  I didn't tell my husband that at first, just that I was starting counseling.  The night I had my first appointment, after I got home, he questioned me on what I was going for and I decided to be honest.  This threw him for a loop and he dysregulated and ended up confessing an affair 4.5 years previously during the precise time that I had been dragging us all over town to 3 different marriage counselors, tried to intervene with our doctor to get him help and signed us up for a couple's communication course. I was desperate for help for our marriage, just  learning about BPD and wanting him to want to get help.  Of course, he said the words that he did but (as he admits now) he did nothing but sabotage and manipulate every one of my attempts while carrying on a year long affair with someone I thought was a friend of mine.  After that night, the focus in my counseling appointments shifted slightly with dealing with my pain and anger over the affair but still feeling like I needed to make a FAST decision on whether to stay or go.  Of course, being right before Christmas, this was doubly hard as there are kids.  The affair wasn't a complete surprise, I suspected him of having many affairs during the bad years because of how he could justify treating me so badly and because at that time he was accusing me of having affairs and I was not.  What I did find hard to deal with was finding out it was my so called friend and that during the very time he treated me the worst of the past decade, he treated her so well that she (when I confronted her the night he confessed) she says he helped her get out of an abusive relationship, and from what I since learned, she was so enamored with him that she thought he was going to leave me for her.  Anyway... .my point is that in my last appointment with my counselor this week, she asked me how I think I have progressed and I explained that when I first went to her my priority was to get help in making a decision as well as dealing with my anger with being treated so badly for so long.  She commented that even though it may seem like I didn't accomplish the goal of making a decision, I actually did, and that decision was to not make a decision yet, and that's ok. It IS a relief to know I don't have to make a decision right now.  My anger HAS subsided considerably, mostly because I've allowed myself to feel it and let it go through me after a lifetime of not being "allowed" to be angry.