The final discard and now, eight months later - lots of progress

[Depression = 72% of members]

So, a lot of progression after the final discard eight months ago. I would have never believed that this would happen. But it did. And I’m grateful for it.

My exBPDgf did me a great favour, gave me a big gift. You know what the gift was? Not trying to recycle/engage anymore.

It took her seven month to cut every chord between her and me and only then I was able to do so as well. Before that she showed up at matches to see her old team play (we were both part of a handball team but then she left after the final discard yet showed up a month later, she also stayed in our whatsapp-group-chat without any reason). Then one month ago she deleted the handball groupchat when a team mate send some pictures with me looking happy in it. She deleted her whole whatsapp-account. She flew under the radar totally and withdrew from now on from everything that had to do with me.

Some month ago I would’ve interpreted this as her trying to punish or hurt me but I don’t do that anymore. It’s a common behaviour though. I saw lots of people wondering about the reasons of their exBPDpartners behaviour, trying to interpret it as a covert reengagement and stuff. I mean, we all do it, we still want to be valued.

But now I say we shouldn’t take their behaviour too personal. Many times it isn’t about us. Maybe they are trying to detach as we do as well – but they can’t do properly and need to do it gradually. Their attempts may seem weird but then again I look at myself and look at what I did to try to cope with all of this.

Many of us have thoughts of revenge or are thinking of how it would affect them if we would date some other people, we as well develop tendencies to triangulation. Many of us have been through that. Our ego got hurt as well and we’re trying to fix that in getting validation. The difference is that we are able to see through this and behave differently. Our conscience is big enough to do so, our impulse control is working.

I’m not here to defend a BPD or to say that it was our own fault or whatever, no, really not. What I want to say though is „Don’t take it too personally what they do.“ Yes, it always seems very personal what they do, but in truth EVERYTHING they do has to do with the feelings they have towards theirselves. This helped me a lot in getting my self esteem back.

If they are silent and not responding to you anymore it might be silent treatment to punish you but it also just might be them going NC to detach. You never know and it doesn’t matter in the end.

I’m not justifying their behaviour when I say that BPD means living a miserable live, just imagine that every attachment you have with someone triggers you. And that you never truly can be with someone who loves you because in the end you push them away or they run away.

They are orphans, fullfilling their own prophecies of being useless and not worthy of love again and again. Everytime a break up occurs this makes them feel orphaned again.

That’s how I think of my ex at least now. This doesn’t mean I negate all of the abuse that happened or that I justify what she did, no, she hurt me deeply and many old wounds of my own were torn open again (which I’m still grateful for). At some time I felt like dying and I don’t want and will never ever be with someone like her again.

It seems like the 21. century is quite THE cluster b-society. Many BPDs turned that way because of cluster b-parents. I myself developed some cluster b-traits because of my parents (one co-dependent, the other highly narcissistic). I can see many people turning bitter because their ego got hurt so badly and developing strong cluster b-traits. This society has a problem with their ego. And that’s why we should try to overcome our ego. Because in the end we just turn bitter and egoistic when it is the last thing we want to do.

I never hated my exBPDgf, of course, there were short episodes of anger when I wanted her to call her out on her ___ or I simply wanted to provoke a response and her to break the silent treatment, but why? Because my ego got hurt, because I still wanted some validaiton that I was in some way important. Isn’t this kinda narcissistic?

We should try to let go of thinking of possible reasons why they would do this or that, why they would behave like this or that and say things and what they mean. I became so egocentric and thought that EVERYTHING she did was because of me, to provoke some reaction. And yes, maybe some of her behaviours were, but I also believe most of them were her trying to cope with what happened, with her emotions. Being egocentric like that didn’t let me detach. It wasn’t her covert recycle attempts (that maybe weren’t at all), it wasn’t her, it was me. It was my believe that she did so. And how could I ever know?

I wouldn’t have been strong enough to cut every chord yet though, I still had feelings for her. But then she did. She left the groupchat and only then I was able to leave my handball team. I realized that I had to go NC. I knew it all along that going NC would help me detaching properly but subconsciously I hadn’t been ready and that’s why I broke NC many times.

I think when you really are ready you aren’t even afraid of breaking NC anymore respectively you don’t think of it as being NC anymore. Now my days aren’t about „Yay, another day of NC done.“ Anymore, they are about living life again.

BPDs are children caught in an adults body. Would you ever reason with a children like you try to with your exBPDpartner?

Just be glad and grateful that you aren’t a BPD and that you are able to love and not die all alone. Because that’s the fate of many BPDs sadly.

If you can forgive them, try at least. Not because oft hem or for them but for yourself. It will set you free.

Again, I’m not denying their responsibility in all of this at all. And I’m especially sorry for those who lost jobs or friends or other important things/people because of their former partners. It’s something that should never happen.

And I’m encouraging EVERYONE to get out as soon as possible of a BPD-r/s if you are getting abused because it’s something you should never take – BPDpartner or not. Respect yourself enough to do so.

Yet I also want to stress that if you’re not ready for going NC fully then don’t beat yourself up if you break NC. I did it four times until I finally realized that I really need to go NC. This is all part oft he progress. Don’t beat yourself up on these things.

Try to forgive them, but also yourself.

Not trying tob e a smartass here, but this is what really helped me to reach the state I’m in now. I’m still compassionate towards her because I just know much she’s sufferin from life. But I’m also compassionate enough towards myself to say that I don’t need to suffer anymore.

[misty_red]

So, a lot of progression after the final discard eight months ago. I would have never believed that this would happen. But it did. And I’m grateful for it.

My exBPDgf did me a great favour, gave me a big gift. You know what the gift was? Not trying to recycle/engage anymore.

It took her seven month to cut every chord between her and me and only then I was able to do so as well. Before that she showed up at matches to see her old team play (we were both part of a handball team but then she left after the final discard yet showed up a month later, she also stayed in our whatsapp-group-chat without any reason). Then one month ago she deleted the handball groupchat when a team mate send some pictures with me looking happy in it. She deleted her whole whatsapp-account. She flew under the radar totally and withdrew from now on from everything that had to do with me.

Some month ago I would’ve interpreted this as her trying to punish or hurt me but I don’t do that anymore. It’s a common behaviour though. I saw lots of people wondering about the reasons of their exBPDpartners behaviour, trying to interpret it as a covert reengagement and stuff. I mean, we all do it, we still want to be valued.

But now I say we shouldn’t take their behaviour too personal. Many times it isn’t about us. Maybe they are trying to detach as we do as well – but they can’t do properly and need to do it gradually. Their attempts may seem weird but then again I look at myself and look at what I did to try to cope with all of this.

Many of us have thoughts of revenge or are thinking of how it would affect them if we would date some other people, we as well develop tendencies to triangulation. Many of us have been through that. Our ego got hurt as well and we’re trying to fix that in getting validation. The difference is that we are able to see through this and behave differently. Our conscience is big enough to do so, our impulse control is working.

I’m not here to defend a BPD or to say that it was our own fault or whatever, no, really not. What I want to say though is „Don’t take it too personally what they do.“ Yes, it always seems very personal what they do, but in truth EVERYTHING they do has to do with the feelings they have towards theirselves. This helped me a lot in getting my self esteem back.

If they are silent and not responding to you anymore it might be silent treatment to punish you but it also just might be them going NC to detach. You never know and it doesn’t matter in the end.

I’m not justifying their behaviour when I say that BPD means living a miserable live, just imagine that every attachment you have with someone triggers you. And that you never truly can be with someone who loves you because in the end you push them away or they run away.

They are orphans, fullfilling their own prophecies of being useless and not worthy of love again and again. Everytime a break up occurs this makes them feel orphaned again.

That’s how I think of my ex at least now. This doesn’t mean I negate all of the abuse that happened or that I justify what she did, no, she hurt me deeply and many old wounds of my own were torn open again (which I’m still grateful for). At some time I felt like dying and I don’t want and will never ever be with someone like her again.

It seems like the 21. century is quite THE cluster b-society. Many BPDs turned that way because of cluster b-parents. I myself developed some cluster b-traits because of my parents (one co-dependent, the other highly narcissistic). I can see many people turning bitter because their ego got hurt so badly and developing strong cluster b-traits. This society has a problem with their ego. And that’s why we should try to overcome our ego. Because in the end we just turn bitter and egoistic when it is the last thing we want to do.

I never hated my exBPDgf, of course, there were short episodes of anger when I wanted her to call her out on her ___ or I simply wanted to provoke a response and her to break the silent treatment, but why? Because my ego got hurt, because I still wanted some validaiton that I was in some way important. Isn’t this kinda narcissistic?

We should try to let go of thinking of possible reasons why they would do this or that, why they would behave like this or that and say things and what they mean. I became so egocentric and thought that EVERYTHING she did was because of me, to provoke some reaction. And yes, maybe some of her behaviours were, but I also believe most of them were her trying to cope with what happened, with her emotions. Being egocentric like that didn’t let me detach. It wasn’t her covert recycle attempts (that maybe weren’t at all), it wasn’t her, it was me. It was my believe that she did so. And how could I ever know?

I wouldn’t have been strong enough to cut every chord yet though, I still had feelings for her. But then she did. She left the groupchat and only then I was able to leave my handball team. I realized that I had to go NC. I knew it all along that going NC would help me detaching properly but subconsciously I hadn’t been ready and that’s why I broke NC many times.

I think when you really are ready you aren’t even afraid of breaking NC anymore respectively you don’t think of it as being NC anymore. Now my days aren’t about „Yay, another day of NC done.“ Anymore, they are about living life again.

BPDs are children caught in an adults body. Would you ever reason with a children like you try to with your exBPDpartner?

Just be glad and grateful that you aren’t a BPD and that you are able to love and not die all alone. Because that’s the fate of many BPDs sadly.

If you can forgive them, try at least. Not because oft hem or for them but for yourself. It will set you free.

Again, I’m not denying their responsibility in all of this at all. And I’m especially sorry for those who lost jobs or friends or other important things/people because of their former partners. It’s something that should never happen.

And I’m encouraging EVERYONE to get out as soon as possible of a BPD-r/s if you are getting abused because it’s something you should never take – BPDpartner or not. Respect yourself enough to do so.

Yet I also want to stress that if you’re not ready for going NC fully then don’t beat yourself up if you break NC. I did it four times until I finally realized that I really need to go NC. This is all part oft he progress. Don’t beat yourself up on these things.

Try to forgive them, but also yourself.

Not trying tob e a smartass here, but this is what really helped me to reach the state I’m in now. I’m still compassionate towards her because I just know much she’s sufferin from life. But I’m also compassionate enough towards myself to say that I don’t need to suffer anymore.

[hurting300]

How does it make you a narcissist? You were trying to get her to stop being childish and act like an adult. Nothing disordered about that at all. It's not a bad thing to grow angry during an attack or abnormal situation.

[misty_red]

No, I know why I did it. I needed the validation. This was after our break up. She wasn't obligated to do anything anymore. Yes, it hurt me because I didn't get closure. But I think it is kinda narcissistic if I want someone else to behave in a way I expect them to be. It is kind of controlling. I'm not saying other people did that, but I did and I think it is controlling and I was being kind of narcissistic in wanting that. I wanted her to break her silence to validate me. That's my experience.

[hurting300]

No, I know why I did it. I needed the validation. This was after our break up. She wasn't obligated to do anything anymore. Yes, it hurt me because I didn't get closure. But I think it is kinda narcissistic if I want someone else to behave in a way I expect them to be. It is kind of controlling. I'm not saying other people did that, but I did and I think it is controlling and I was being kind of narcissistic in wanting that. I wanted her to break her silence to validate me. That's my experience.

I think nothing is wrong with you wanting closure. That's normal. But I respect your opinion and I'm proud of you.

[once removed]

" I saw lots of people wondering about the reasons of their exBPDpartners behaviour, trying to interpret it as a covert reengagement and stuff. I mean, we all do it, we still want to be valued.

But now I say we shouldn’t take their behaviour too personal. Many times it isn’t about us. Maybe they are trying to detach as we do as well – but they can’t do properly and need to do it gradually. Their attempts may seem weird but then again I look at myself and look at what I did to try to cope with all of this.

Many of us have thoughts of revenge or are thinking of how it would affect them if we would date some other people, we as well develop tendencies to triangulation. Many of us have been through that. Our ego got hurt as well and we’re trying to fix that in getting validation. The difference is that we are able to see through this and behave differently."



"I’m not here to defend a BPD or to say that it was our own fault or whatever, no, really not. What I want to say though is „Don’t take it too personally what they do.“ Yes, it always seems very personal what they do, but in truth EVERYTHING they do has to do with the feelings they have towards theirselves. This helped me a lot in getting my self esteem back.

If they are silent and not responding to you anymore it might be silent treatment to punish you but it also just might be them going NC to detach. You never know and it doesn’t matter in the end."



" of course, there were short episodes of anger when I wanted her to call her out on her ___ or I simply wanted to provoke a response and her to break the silent treatment, but why? Because my ego got hurt, because I still wanted some validaiton that I was in some way important. Isn’t this kinda narcissistic?"



sure, but remember there are negative and neutral senses of the word.

"We should try to let go of thinking of possible reasons why they would do this or that, why they would behave like this or that and say things and what they mean."

"Being egocentric like that didn’t let me detach."

i cant overstate this level of pronounced healing         

"I wouldn’t have been strong enough to cut every chord yet though, I still had feelings for her. But then she did. She left the groupchat and only then I was able to leave my handball team. I realized that I had to go NC. I knew it all along that going NC would help me detaching properly but subconsciously I hadn’t been ready and that’s why I broke NC many times. "

this too, i think. NC is about you. it doesnt feel that way at first, understandably. its obsessively interpreting our exes reactions in reverse. this is okay. it illustrates no ones path toward healing is exactly the same. i agree strongly with "Yet I also want to stress that if you’re not ready for going NC fully then don’t beat yourself up if you break NC. I did it four times until I finally realized that I really need to go NC. This is all part oft he progress. Don’t beat yourself up on these things."

this is a helpful and insightful post and id recommend it. great insight into a recent turning point. 

[once removed]

No, I know why I did it. I needed the validation. This was after our break up. She wasn't obligated to do anything anymore. Yes, it hurt me because I didn't get closure. But I think it is kinda narcissistic if I want someone else to behave in a way I expect them to be. It is kind of controlling. I'm not saying other people did that, but I did and I think it is controlling and I was being kind of narcissistic in wanting that. I wanted her to break her silence to validate me. That's my experience.

this is also healthy insight. but please, remember your own advice, and dont beat yourself up with the word narcissistic either. even a healthy breakup model sends us into a period of narcissism, literally self reflection, and thats a good thing. this also reminds me of the workshop on boundaries: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

and how boundaries should not be used as an object to change behavior in someone else. boundaries are literally a narcissistic concept.

im not saying youre wrong in interpreting any of these things as narcissistic though. these relationships wound us in a very narcissistic way. in fact theyre referred to as "narcissistic wounds". in other words, i think i getcha, i labelled a period of my own recovery as narcissistic, just be careful not to beat yourself up with the word either