going no contact with elderly mother

[kellycat]

My mother is 87 and just placed in a nursing home due to her advanced parkinsons disease. My golden child brother picked and placed my mother there.  He basically was not involved for the past 7 years since my dad died and I was taking care of her on my own... .that was three moves later and two assisted living placements and many private aides. Every piece of this process was exceptionally stressful because my mother has borderline personality disorder and is psychopathic narcissistic disordered. In other words she basically wanted to live with me so she could totally destroy my family.  I never gave her that opportunity.  So after counseling I planned to get my absentee brother to take over... .(he is in the will ) and now I went no contact. I did it to preserve my sanity. I couldn't take it anymore. Now I have ptsd and am back in counseling.

Any other people here who have the same problem with elderly mothers. Sometimes I feel sorry for her ... .other times I wish she was capable of liking me or appreciating my efforts other times I feel guilty for establishing no contact. But I can't go back I have to recover my health first. If she is still alive at that point I might say hi... .but that's it.

any thoughts?

[Suzn]

Hi kellycat

I'm sorry you're struggling with PTSD, I'm glad to hear you are taking time to take care of yourself. My mother is 77, she's not in a nursing home but I can relate to feeling guilty about NC to get back on your feet emotionally.

I was the caretaker of one of my aunts years ago. I understand the stress that can bring too. My uncle, her brother, showed up once during that time and changed everything we had set up to take care of her financially. She couldn't do this on her own, she has dementia and would have ended up on the streets. He did this over the course of 3 days then left. 

I asked before he left "does she have your phone number for the 3am phone calls?" I totally get feeling unappreciated when you are the one doing all the day to day work.

How do you and your brother get along? How has this affected your family? Kids?

[Kwamina]

Welcome back kellycat  I still remember your first post here talking about your mother being in a wheelchair. I am sorry to hear that her behavior has affected you to such an extent that you now are dealing with PTSD. I am glad you have the support of a counselor to help you deal with these things.

To protect your own well-being, it is sometimes necessary to set boundaries that include drastic measures such as going no contact. This doesn't have to mean that this no contact has to last forever though. Since you are dealing with your own issues right now, I understand why you've taken this step to give yourself the opportunity to heal.

I am also interested in the relationship you have with your brother. In your last post you said you had gotten your brother to be more involved but that it wasn't an easy task to accomplish because your mother had turned your entire family against you while she maintains contact with them. Do you feel like your mother also turned your brother against you? How would you describe the relationship your brother had/has with your mother?

[losthero]

My heart goes out to you ((hugs)). I know how you feel. I have endured close to the same thing with my uBPD/NPD mom.  My dad died 5 years ago and she has made my life hell ever since.  She is 63 and physically well enough not to be in a nursing home.  Having her comitted only lasts 72 hours because she is not psychotic enough.  I had to go to counselling as well and my therapist diagnosed me with PTSD also.  My mother tried to CONSUME my life and was jealous of my work, children, souse, friends and was set on destroying everything i held dear.   She would fain sickness, depression, suicidal ideation in order to consume my time.  She hated everywhere she lived and wanted us to move her frequently.  She treats people like servants.  She really wants me alone to live and cater to her every narcissistic need but doesnt want my family to be there.  Your statement that you felt your mother was out to destroy your family was such an honest and and heart breaking statement.  Its true though. I believe you. Your body is saying danger, danger and its so tragic that its is your mom you fear.  An author John Townsend once wrote "Fear and love cannot coexist". Because to truly feel loved you cannot fear a person.   I know the guilt of obligation.  Your mom is somewhere safe for now and your brother can check on her occasionally.  Please take some time to heal yourself.  When you feel stronger you can start with low contact.  I havent spoken to my mom since November.  We recently started short letters.   Sadly I can still see the chaos brewing beneath the surface. Im taking one day at a time and have lost hope for her changing anything. Now Im just trying to figure out what kind of relationship I can have with her where I dont go completely insane and she doesnt hurt my family.  Please tke care of you for awhile.