Depression, repressed sorrow and anger.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Hey everyone. I've been going through a lot. Had some spiritual experiences, difficulty sleeping, insomnia, etc. But one thing keeps hitting me. Anger that she mistreated me so badly. Anger that she abandoned me. Anger that she moved on so easily. And sorrow for all the same reasons. I have a tendency to either feel my emotions strongly or not at all. What are some good strategies for getting out emotions in a healthy way? I feel very depressed lately and so it's very difficult to find the energy to let them out. But at the same time not letting it out helps keep me depressed. I feel kind of at a loss, she keeps coming into my mind and I'd like to put some effort into this. This all hurts very much. Too much at times. I realize that she's crazy and dysfunctional and that's why she treated me this way, but I skipped much of the valuing myself first phase. Also, I see that my own identity issues and dysfunctions played a role, and that she was mistreated too. My main issue is purely emotional.

[jhkbuzz]

Hey everyone. I've been going through a lot. Had some spiritual experiences, difficulty sleeping, insomnia, etc. But one thing keeps hitting me. Anger that she mistreated me so badly. Anger that she abandoned me. Anger that she moved on so easily. And sorrow for all the same reasons. I have a tendency to either feel my emotions strongly or not at all. What are some good strategies for getting out emotions in a healthy way? I feel very depressed lately and so it's very difficult to find the energy to let them out. But at the same time not letting it out helps keep me depressed. I feel kind of at a loss, she keeps coming into my mind and I'd like to put some effort into this. This all hurts very much. Too much at times. I realize that she's crazy and dysfunctional and that's why she treated me this way, but I skipped much of the valuing myself first phase. Also, I see that my own identity issues and dysfunctions played a role, and that she was mistreated too. My main issue is purely emotional.

Hi, I went back and looked at your very first posts... .it looks like you broke up around Nov 2013, and that she may have remarried.  Have you recycled since then? Are you still seeing a T? If you haven't recycled then it looks like you're about a year and a half post b/u.

I've bounced a LOT between anger and sadness... .anger for the way she treated me, sadness because I missed her.  Back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. I almost felt like I was remembering two different people, the "good" and the "bad."  My healing began when I was able to emotionally accept that all of the good and the truly terrible was wrapped up in one person - that's who she is.

Some of the things I've done are things that simply distract me - make plans, go out with friends, stay BUSY.  Exercise is also amazing therapy - I could get on my bike and ride for hours and always feel better.  I don't know why, it just always works.

What are some of the things you've tried?

[BuildingFromScratch]

Hey jhkbuzz, thanks for your response. Yeah, I have a therapist. I tend to stuff down my sorrow and anger, which isn't very good for me. I think I will ask for a bike for my birthday! I do want to ride one. It might help me expel some of this emotional energy. I've tried punching the pillow and writing, which seems to help.

My situation is rather unique. I started meditating a month or so ago. I've had lots of anxiety, euphoria and even possibly some psychosis. Things are getting better. People tend to not want to give me advice when I tell them that. But I need PRACTICAL advice. I feel so desperate and tired.

[jhkbuzz]

Hey jhkbuzz, thanks for your response. Yeah, I have a therapist. I tend to stuff down my sorrow and anger, which isn't very good for me. I think I will ask for a bike for my birthday! I do want to ride one. It might help me expel some of this emotional energy. I've tried punching the pillow and writing, which seems to help.

My situation is rather unique. I started meditating a month or so ago. I've had lots of anxiety, euphoria and even possibly some psychosis. Things are getting better. People tend to not want to give me advice when I tell them that. But I need PRACTICAL advice. I feel so desperate and tired.

EXERCISE my friend, exercise.  If you don't have a bike yet, go for long walks. Get MOVING. Get on a treadmill or elliptical.  I'm serious, it helps.  I don't know why, but it does.

Are you in the U.S.?  If you are, look for some meetup.com groups - not for dating, but for exercise.  I belong to cycling, hiking and rowing groups!

(although to be honest: I started by joining the exercise groups... .and then joined some singles groups!  )

[Blimblam]

Good it's about time you felt angry about it!  Lol

Purge those uneasy emotions 

[BuildingFromScratch]

I do think denying anger is unproductive. But god feeling the anger in my body so strongly freaking sucks! I'm going to do my best to show her and more importantly myself compassion and understanding. The anger just made me feel like crap, and eventually even turned into self anger for letting this happen to myself. I'm not going to beat myself up for feeling anger but I'm certainly not going to feed it, it's not worth ruining my whole day over.

[jhkbuzz]

I do think denying anger is unproductive. But god feeling the anger in my body so strongly freaking sucks! I'm going to do my best to show her and more importantly myself compassion and understanding. The anger just made me feel like crap, and eventually even turned into self anger for letting this happen to myself. I'm not going to beat myself up for feeling anger but I'm certainly not going to feed it, it's not worth ruining my whole day over.

It's a strange balance, because anger is a HEALTHY emotion.  It's just like any other emotion - not bad or good unless it leads you to actions that you regret. Don't try to stuff your anger down, that's not healthy at all.  Feel your anger, just the way you feel your sadness. It's all part of the grief cycle. Over time it will dissipate.

Early on there would be times that I would get soo angry.  I'd even tell her off - in my empty house    Just to get the anger OUT.  It would last all of 5 or 10 minutes and then it would be gone.  If I sound like I'm crazy... .oh well!  If I feel sad I cry, if I feel angry I yell a little - bottled up emotions are destructive.

[Suzn]

Hi BuildingFromScratch

I love your name, it's actually very fitting for this topic. I've recently gone through an anger phase myself, mindfulness and visualization has been very helpful. I can relate to the body aches as well, that lasted for a bit. It was a sign that I was fighting the anger, my body fought back by being tense. Resistance brings persistence. As much as we know about the mind and body we forget that one has an effect on the other.

I had to become aware that my emotional thoughts, like yours, were in control. I had to accept that angry was how I was feeling and this is what anger feels like, experience it. However, I also know I had to be aware of how my body was reacting and started doing things for myself to relax. Rest was necessary. Noticing my shoulders being tense and started reminding myself to relax my shoulders, often. I visualized the anger dissipating like bubbles floating off my muscles, often.

I also had to address my emotional thoughts. I would push them away as often as I could for a break in the ruminations by being mindful. Noticing my surroundings, sitting in a room and looking around, walking in my yard looking at the plants, trees and animals, noticing how food smelled as it was cooking, coffee brewing, how my clothes felt on my body, my toes in my shoes etc...

This worked. It took a while however it took a while to build up. Repressing anger is a coping mechanism and it likely goes back long before your relationship with your ex. There were several workshops I've read and used here and I'd like to share just two with you for right now.

Practicing mindfulness--how do you do it?

This one because while I was going through this phase I was easily triggered. Things irritated me quickly, I didn't want to stay stuck there.

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

Accept that it may take a bit of time to release, use that time to develop new ways of coping with it. It's worth it.

Hope that helps.