I have a wife with BPD and she is filing for divorce.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have recently discovered my wife of 15 years has BPD. It has been an extremely long and painful 15 years. We have 5 of the most amazing daughters together and I have tried everything humanly possible to make this relationship work. I have been seeing a counselor for the past 7 years and have been the victim of severe physical, verbal and mental abuse. My heart bleeds for my 5 daughters, who I love dearly and who I am extremely close with. They understand that their mum is not well but are very scared of her. My wife recently made false allegations to the police and tried to have me removed from the house. I was interrogated by the police for 2 and half hours and was only saved by my two older daughters who were also interviewed. I have been the victim of severe character assassination everywhere I turn.

The easiest solution for me is to turn and walk away from everything and start a new life, but I can't abandon my girls. My wife has now filed for divorce proceedings and my Solicitor is not believing what I tell him. My girls are aware of the divorce proceedings and said that they want to stay with me and I really need a good solicitor in Sydney who has experience with BPD cases? Can anybody help me for the sake of my girls?

[family07]

I have recently discovered my wife of 15 years has BPD. It has been an extremely long and painful 15 years. We have 5 of the most amazing daughters together and I have tried everything humanly possible to make this relationship work. I have been seeing a counselor for the past 7 years and have been the victim of severe physical, verbal and mental abuse. My heart bleeds for my 5 daughters, who I love dearly and who I am extremely close with. They understand that their mum is not well but are very scared of her. My wife recently made false allegations to the police and tried to have me removed from the house. I was interrogated by the police for 2 and half hours and was only saved by my two older daughters who were also interviewed. I have been the victim of severe character assassination everywhere I turn.

The easiest solution for me is to turn and walk away from everything and start a new life, but I can't abandon my girls. My wife has now filed for divorce proceedings and my Solicitor is not believing what I tell him. My girls are aware of the divorce proceedings and said that they want to stay with me and I really need a good solicitor in Sydney who has experience with BPD cases? Can anybody help me for the sake of my girls?

[livednlearned]

Hi family07,

I'm glad you reached out for help. I did he same when I was going through my divorce. My lawyer kept referring to my case as a high-conflict divorce, so I Googled that and found Bill Eddy's book, "Splitting: Divorcing a NPD/BPD Spouse" and that eventually led me to this site. It has been a lifesaver.

If your wife has already made false allegations, you know that she is capable of doing this again. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but what a relief that your daughters were strong enough to discredit the charges. As odd as it sounds, that false allegation may actually help you. It shows the court that your wife has a credibility problem. Unfortunately, people with BPD tend to have no coping skills for their overwhelming feelings, and may engage in what some call "legal abuse" in order to try and get things to swing their way.

If your solicitor does not believe you, fire him if you can. He works for you, and it's his job to believe you. What is he telling you? A lot of us in BPD relationships tend to be door mats, and it's not uncommon to pick a lawyer who we let walk all over us. It's your money, and the stakes are high. It is important to have faith in this person -- it's your guide through the jungle and if you don't trust him, he may lead you astray.

How old are your girls? Is your wife physically abusive to them?

Start documenting what is happening. Everything -- the more detail the better. If it's legally allowed, start recording interactions with your wife. Even if it isn't legal, some members here have had success using footage to defend themselves against false allegations when the police get involved. Keep receipts, in case you need to prove where you were at any given time, and your wife is making allegations that you were elsewhere. An important strategy is to undermine the BPD person's credibility. She will say anything and do anything to destroy your reputation and make false allegations, so you need to have an evidence trail.

In the U.S., one strategy is to get a custody evaluation. Have you talked to your lawyer about this?

We're here for you. You're not alone, and you can get through this. It will be an incredible test and there will be days you can barely put one foot in front of you, the worry for your kids will make your heart burst. You can do it.    On the other side, it is much more peaceful and safe and the kids can heal.

LnL

[maxen]

hi family07. another welcome to our site! we have a wealth of resources and a community of experienced posters who will be able to give good advice.

if you've been subject to physical and other abuse, and have had false allegations made, you really must look to your own safety. it's good that you recognize it for what it is; many unfortunately don't. (we have a thread that you may want to have a read of, TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Men.) you are blessed with daughters who see what's going on, and they are blessed with a father who has their interests first. in my divorce i didn't have to deal with custody issues, but LnL above has suggested a custody evaluation, which is the usual procedure here in the states.

my Solicitor is not believing what I tell him.

that's bad. it's best to ask around and find the name of a lawyer who is familiar with high-conflict divorces, even familiar with personality disorders.

i'm glad you've been talking with a counselor these years. is there anyone else who sees what's up, friends or family? please keep posting family07!

[ForeverDad]

I surprised you were in counseling for 7 years and only recently did you learn of BPD (or acting-out PDs in general).  I'm wondering, is your counselor a capable and experienced one?  While the counselor would have been right not to diagnose anyone not a patient and perhaps not even met, still the counselor should have started wondering about your dialogue and reported incidents.

Many courts, lawyers and other professionals are often reluctant to speculate about PDs or 'diagnose' someone, so you too may have to avoid 'playing doctor'.  Many of our cases often default to ignoring the mental health aspect and just dealing with the poor behaviors themselves and not why the behaviors.  Also, when contemplating custody and parenting orders the courts give much more attention to the poor parenting behaviors as compared to the poor adult behaviors, so focus your efforts accordingly.

She has made allegations and is very likely to keep making many claims and allegations, so be prepared, you haven't heard the last of it.  As you found out with the police, they're all investigated but without documentation or support by witnesses they're generally considered "he said, she said" and often set aside as unsubstantiated hearsay and therefore not 'actionable'.  Things more likely to be considered 'actionable' could be reported DV, threat of DV, child abuse, child endangerment and child neglect.  (Courts and the other agencies are extremely reluctant to call a person a liar, rarely you'll hear "unfounded" and more often the passive term "unsubstantiated".)  In my case, my ex was unprepared and her first allegation was very week, I had allowed my preschooler to tip his bike and chip his elbow without a scratch.  Court ignored it but she kept making more allegations, each one slightly different from the ones before and more extreme too.  And I had a boy, the sort of allegations she made would have been much more scary if our children were girls.

Have you played football or other competitive games?  How likely are you to win the game if you only play defense?  Right, not likely at all.  Well, you have to ponder your situation and how best to develop real strategies to play both defense and offense.  Not that you just blindly and viciously attack, but you have to be very, very assertive and proactive.  Playing a passive game will make it harder to continue as a very involved father.

So for starters try your best to get the very best initial temporary custody/parenting order that you can possibly get.  Why?  It is hard to overcome a 'standard' temp order where the Mother is defaulted to being the Primary Parent.  And temp orders have a nasty tendency to morph into final decrees.  In my case, I already had protection in another court from my then-spouse's death threats but in family court the magistrate had one question only, "What are your work schedules?"  Though I had temporary protection from my ex's threats, she walked out with standard temporary custody and majority parenting time.  My lawyer turned to me, ":)on't worry, keep quiet, we'll fix it later."  Well, the court never adjusted the temp order and custody/parenting didn't change until the settled final decree nearly two years later.