I don't know what to do

[Thread]

I am having a really difficult time staying in my marriage.  We separated after two years of marriage.  His rages and outbursts were too much to handle.  I have anxiety mixed with depression was off my meds for 5.5 years prior to meeting him. After becoming emotionally abusive and not working and just feeling verbally beat daily I left him.  We separated for a year, being very religious I never followed through with the divorce.  He finally started therapy and from long distance seemed to understand what parts he played in the separation.  He did all the right things, said all the right things.  When he moved back it was on the condition to be in therapy weekly for 6 months.  Me having been in therapy always to deal with my anxiety issues and some sexual harassment stuff Ive faced since being young, being a girl in most male dominated industries. 

He never got into therapy. It was insurance, it was the time, it was the money, then it was I was forcing him to go and he wanted to make decisions for himself.  6 months later, having to then start talking divorce and him having outbursts 3-4times each week for two months I was losing it.  He got into therapy.  He has been in for three weeks, but I have tripped back into my anxiety issues.  Dealing with insomnia most nights, having anxiety when I sleep, not sleeping well enough, but not being able to stay asleep, staying up till weeee hours. 

I've immersed my in work, partly necessary, but also it just stops the arguing and complaining and whining. But when time is slow and I need that time for rest it opens the doors to communication and constant bickering. 

And somehow at the end of the day its me, its my fault, but he apologizes, however in the apology its blaming me for his actions and validating them, then ending with "I was just trying to apologize, now I'm getting yelled at."

I feel like I'm going nuts.

I feel trapped.

I'm back on my anxiety meds because I cannot function in my marriage without them.

Why stay?  My husband is incredible. Hardworking. Genius. Very loving when this stuff isn't happening. He doesn't need to go out and party with the boys. He is not addicted to drugs, sex or alcohol.  He is an amazing man. 

BUT THE MANIPULATION AND CONTROL AND NOTHING IS GOOD ENOUGH I WANT TO COMPLAIN ALL THE TIME AND THE SIDE JABS are slowing driving me INSANE!

again anxiety and depression issues none of the above is good for me, daily attacks on my intellect or abilities or even just wanting to go out and eat becomes a battle of finance ruining any form of enjoyment... . however when he wants to do A.B or C. its fine, but how dare I want to go eat out! Or get a 2$ biscuit. 

I love him. I need him for our dream we have created together, I cannot do it alone.  I don't want to do it without him.  But my anxiety and health is like GET OUT NOW its not going to change, leave.  But in leaving I will have to let go of the dream that is actually doing well in a short time frame, maybe even go through bankruptcy, get a divorce... . and it sucks because I don't want to leave, but I don't feel or see him looking at himself and actually wanting to make changes.

I need advice. I have a therapist or two if you consider me jumping in on his sessions partially mine. I also have friends with borderlines in their life, who tell me the writing is on the wall. 

He is out of 1 being low to 10 being extreme he is like a 2-3. He whines and complains. suicide threats are made, feels like manipulation, the flipping out on me over like scrubbing of a dish will turn into "im a loser, im gonna kill myself" the control, the wanting to isolate me from my friends or people who are obviously important to me, jealousy when i hang out with my girlfriends, if they teach me things i then use later, jealousy over when i ask my family for help with things, even though i see he is tired, cursing at me or throwing things in rage then saying its because i did it first, i did no such things, using things as manipulation making up stories then saying he knew those things were not true he was just over exaggerating.  He has slept out on the streets once having locked himself out of our condo, i offered to bring the key lied and said i was almost there and he continued to tell me to F OFF he didn't need my help.  That happened the first time we separated.

But i'm on the fence again at the time we decided to try again I was not aware he had a borderline personality disorder and or what that exactly meant. After reading stop walking on egg shells i was like oh... . well at least there's a name for it.  My therapist is great too, she saw him twice and having dealt with a lot of this disorder she said no only from my experiences, but the way he was in therapy she said it was pretty evident.   

[Indiegrl]

Hi there Hanging,

I absolutely recognize the things you are experiencing. The feelings of being trapped and controlled and manipulated - I think you can admit that this is really the case. You would not have been feeling manipulated if you were not. But yes, he will tell you otherwise. He will probably accuse you of being a very bad partner who accuses him of manipulation! It's twisted, and makes your head spin.

Breaking our dream... . that is extremely hurtful. The dream of growing old together. Of raising (babysitting) grandchildren together. Of buying a cottage near the sea, spend our vacations there. Dreaming of guiding our (his and mine) beautiful children into their adult life, together.

He is the most romantic man on earth, and I've enjoyed it immensely. The sexual part - don't get me started, I do think he must be the best lover on earth, too, mamma mia. 

So for me... . when we are having such extremely good things going on... . at least I thought... . why on earth are there so many troubles?

What if... . I ever did the slightest mistake? What if ... . I once kissed another man? (Never done anything like that, can't see it ever happening, but what if... . )... . When we have so much troubles in our relationship now, when nothing bad or shady ever has happened in our relationship... . what are the odds of us making it work if I actually did something wrong one day? Brrr... . terrifying thought, that is.

I have been reading Mindfulness lately. Ever heard of Eckhart Tolle? Well, I find his way of putting it to be calming and liberating.

Instead of clinging to a hope of love to come, a dream, it is better to accept reality as it is, here and now. My boyfriend, yes, he does all these amazing things, but he also does those things that hurt me, reduce my self-esteem, makes me feel guilty to the point where I hold my breath in agony... . Is that really love?

Some more on Eckhart Tolle:

www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/840520-the-power-of-now

[Thread]

Thank you for that response its very well stated.  You expressed perfectly the turmoil, the confusion, the pain, the love, and yes what is that... . the love making is incredible is it like that for everyone? Seems to be a thing. I should read that book heard good things!

Thank you again.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Hanging, In my view, your anxiety is normal.  Who wouldn't be anxious while living with rage and verbal abuse?  Yes, you are being manipulated by F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt).  It's hard, I know, but it's important to change the focus back to yourself, like you did when you separated after two years of marriage.  What works for you?  What doesn't?    Dreams die hard, I understand, but to me yours sounds more like a nightmare these days.  LuckyJim

[JohnLove]

Hanging, I'm sorry to say, you are in a BPD FOG as Lucky Jim has stated.

I appreciate what you are going through. The dream feels so right but yet is also SO wrong.

Suicidal ideation, isolation, depriving, devaluing, flipping out, manipulation, denial, raging, verbal abuse, invalidation, jealousy, and the emotional abuse... . that is the worst.

Your 2-3 on your scale is around an 8-9 on mine.  Sorry.  :'(

[Thread]

Luckyjim Thank you, and yes FOG, I just read about that and yes it seems to be the case. I appreciate the support!

Johnlove Thank you   I am really sorry for everyone when they see that 2-3, during stressful times I have personally felt it was more ... . I feel for the nonBPDs dealing with the higher levels. One of my friends did and it was her mom, she often had to be a mother to her mother and yes, it was way worse, which I cannot even begin to imagine!

The only thing I can say as some form of seeing partial improvements are

1. Actively in therapy weekly

2. Sleeping a full 8 hours and on a schedule (self made, but not like up till 2am some days and 9pm others) more routinely around 10pm every night

3. No alcohol

4. Working out every day at least for 30min

5. Eating right, high protein has proved helpful, greek yogurt, protein shakes (adkins or odwala are good)

the issue for me has been once my BPD stopped therapy, stopped the routine working out and sleeping habits, it just kept spiraling back into frequent BPD behaviors and if I suggested working out it became "youre calling me fat!" (he is not,,skinniest legs and longest ever) Or therapy which I suggested weekly, it became I was telling him what to do again and he wanted to make that decision by himself. It took bringing up the separation and D word again and reminding him it was our pack he had made to me by his own decision to return and work on our marriage.

The struggle for me is I said something every week, when are you going to be in therapy, I really need you to be in therapy, this isn't working if only one of us is in therapy... . or go ahead and go to bed youre tired youve worked hard, don't worry I can keep working.  

Why, and Ive asked him this, why, does it always need to get to this bad point, why doesn't he hear my pleas for help before this point of me wanting out? He just says "I'm sorry and I don't know, I told you I'm going to go okay!"

I'm tired of hearing "I'm sorry"

[JohnLove]

.The routine you have listed where improvements are noticed makes sense. Protein is involved in every bodily process and is important for mental health on a physical level.

I have observed in some pwBPD a level of "forgetfulness".

A sorry is not a sorry without genuine remorse and an explanation. A genuine sorry is an apology.

When you are flipped off with a "sorry" it is a defensive tactic and only serves to cause you to feel like you are being unreasonable.