I couldn't take it anymore

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello all, I've been reading up on this forum for quite some months now. I finally blocked and deleted my ex out of my life today and I feel like sharing my story as I'm lost and very confused.

About one year ago now my relationship with my ex girlfriend ended, everything went great and she was supposed to visit me in the summer ( we had a LDR but met before IRL as friends) we were friends before we started dating initially. Everything was going great between us and she even started talking about getting married and have children and how she really loved me a lot. The problems started when she was supposed to tell her family about us, we are both females and she is  20 years old whereas I am 22 years old. She went from being very close to me and texting and calling me 24/7 to suddenly turning silent and distant. She decided to go on a mini vacation with one of her friends for a week. I didn't feel comfortable with this and told her I would miss her a lot, because her friend didn't know about us and she said she didn't think she'd ever want to tell her about us either. Her friend didn't know about us and she stayed up the entire week away with the friend till the middle of the night having fun on dating websites with an actual profile she had. When I asked her why she would do this and told her how it hurt me she got angry at me for being jealous and controlling. Things went from bad to worse with her distancing herself the closer we got. After the relationship ended she turned into a person I never knew or recognized before.She reengaged with friends that had a bad influence on her and she was mean to me continuously. Then she told me she would cancel her trip and not see me anymore.   I decided to delete her and block her because it hurt too much how she turned cold and distant suddenly.

About 3 months later we get back in contact, she was very distant still in the beginning telling me how we would never have a relationship again and it would just be friendship, I was okay with this because all I wanted was friendship. After a couple of weeks of talking to each other again she admits to me she is depressed and crying and doesn't want to live anymore, how she was sorry for hurting me and that she just felt really choked and she felt like it was getting all a bit too much for her. She only initially wanted our breakup to be temporary so she would have space to breathe. I helped her every single day for weeks through her depression until she was finally happy again, when I asked her to get back together she told me she really didn't want to get back together. Weeks pass and she decides she wants to visit me for a week. I thought this was really unexpected as I had fallen back in love with her and she didn't want anything to do with me. She once again got closer and closer to me and treated me like we were together again when the day before she was about to come over she tells me she doesn't want a relationship or anything, that she has 0 feelings for me and never will. She still decides to come over as just friends. While she is at my place she is continuously flirting with me, sitting in very exposing underwear next to me and cuddling me very close every single night. One thing leads to another and things happen. She tells me the day after which is the day she is supposed to leave that she doesn't want a relationship and she doesn't love anyone because she can't love anyone, but she'll think about it still. The next week as she is back home it's like we're together again. She's sweet with texting showing constant interest and then suddenly... .nothing again. She doesn't talk to me for 2 weeks when I find out she has a relationship status on Facebook. I ask her what the hell? how could you not tell me you were dating someone? You said you were going to think about getting back together with me and you start dating someone without even telling me about it. We have an entire argument about this, I text the guy she was supposedly seeing to leave her alone. Turns out she faked this entire relationship just to test my friendship and see how I would react to her dating someone else. Then she says she is disappointed in me, for talking to the guy. She freaks out so much that I said that to the guy she starts crying, tells me she hates me and never wants to see me again, and that she actually thought she would be able to see me as a girlfriend again.

Some weeks pass by as we decide again to reengage contact, this time there are no words or promises about never getting back together we don't even mention it. It starts out as usual with her being extremely distant but then getting closer and closer, until it gets too close and she doesn't talk to me for weeks again. Then from about Januari till yesterday we were extremely close and she asked me to visit her to finally meet her family. This entire time she has been texting with me flirting with me and leading me on to believe there is more than a friendship. She opens up more and more to me and we get into a really really emotional conversation about 5 days ago. She started out by suddenly saying how will you react when I will date someone else, on which I react I will be very happy for you, all I want for you is to become happy. She starts crying uncontrollably telling me that she is scared to lose me, and scared that when she dates someone else I'll fall out of love with her and stop caring about her, how she wants to live together with me and travel the world with me and not with the person she is with, and how she wouldn't mind seeing me naked etc etc (all this still without an official relationship) I then tell her everything is going to be okay and as long as she is honest with me I'll be happy for her and I'll still be her friend even though it's hard for me. I tell her how I'll lose all my negative qualities like jealousy etc the reasons she broke up with me in the first place when I'm not in love with her anymore so we can finally be friends, after which she tells me she doesn't want me to lose any of these for her and how there's nothing she hates about me. She also tells me how she doesn't want to be with anyone, she doesn't want to drag anyone down with her and definitely not me, how she cannot be with me because she will only make me unhappy when we are together and how she ruined my life already. I tell her that if someone loves you as much as I do and I do love you a lot, It's worth overcoming the struggles together to become happy together, and that the only reason my life isn't great and the reason I had a depression is because she wasn't with me in the first place. I told her that for me all those things didn't matter and I would just want to be with her to make her happy, she said she didn't want to talk about it anymore and left the conversation crying.

The next day she is stone cold as if we never had this emotional conversation, she says she doesn't feel like talking to me and leave me alone. When I ask her why don't you want to talk to me today she says : I didn't think it was illegal to spend time alone. You're so jealous and clingy and needy. It's like you treat me like an object all the time. I don't wanna talk to you leave me alone. 2 days later she sends me a song called mad in which the lyrics are basically that she wants to make up (it's a song about a couple fighting and wanting to make up) but she says nothing about a relationship only friendship. We decide to invite one of our mutual friends into the call who'm we've both known for a pretty long time, he was my friend. She tells me how she really likes his accent and wishes he would teach me how to speak like that so she could listen to me talk nonstop. But how she is disappointed that his accent sounds very much like he would be handsome, but how he completely the opposite ( she has a long history of complaining about him being weird, stalkerish and just plain annoying) She did flirt with me a bit that day, but was still in her distant mood. I decide to go to sleep because I work early to pay for my ticket to visit her. She texts me awake at 4 in the night saying this guy confessed to loving her, and how she says she feels the same for him . When I ask her to call me as soon as possible the next morning she tells me she doesn't feel like talking to me today, and that whatever I have to say can be said in text as well, or write her a letter. When she finally does come into my call she basically is half yelling at me respect-less saying. Say whatever you wanna say so I can go. I ask her if she truly wants to waste the relationship we had, friendship mostly, and how deep our connection goes (she admitted that I was the only person that understood her, and that she never had as deep of an emotional bond with anyone) if she wants to waste this all for a fling with a guy she usually can't stand and finds annoying. She says in a very distant tone that I don't even recognize from her. I don't feel that way for you, so no I don't want to give us another chance again. I told you already I don't have feelings for you. After which she hangs up angry because I tell her I can't stick around and see you push me away like this right into one of my *thought to be* friends. She says fine if you don't wanna stick around whatever go then. (so much to I'm afraid to lose you, I don't know what to do if I'll ever lose you)

I always felt like she was scared to come out to her friends and family that she was in love with a girl which is why she always suppressed and pushed away any feelings she had for me. She also posted her fake relationship on Facebook but was never public about our relationship.I feel like our conversation went so deep  a few days ago where we both felt such a deep connection and wanting to live together that it scared her once again, right into the arms of someone who was just about to tell her he liked her. Convenient timing when she is pushing me away . I don't know if she will ever try to reconnect with me. She can always text me but I removed her number and blocked/deleted her from everywhere (him too)

I just really don't see how one day she can open up to me , tell me she never wants to lose me, live together with me spend all of her time with me, and a few days later push me so far away to start a relationship with someone she has never even seen before. And tell me with a cold expression, if you can't stick around then don't.

She has a history of being abused as a child and has anxiety disorder, has been hospitalized in a mental hospital before as well.

I'm not sure if she will try to contact me again, a part of me hopes she will realize what she  threw away, I will never understand why she would lead me on flirt with me and act almost as if we're together even in her own jealousy until just when she pushes me away again. I still can't believe she would ever feel anything for him after all the bad things she always said about him. She just knew (I even told her) that's the way she would hurt me most, and that would break me apart. I don't know what to do or expect... .

Thank you all for reading, sorry for the extremely long post 

[sadanddestroyed]

Hello all, I've been reading up on this forum for quite some months now. I finally blocked and deleted my ex out of my life today and I feel like sharing my story as I'm lost and very confused.

About one year ago now my relationship with my ex girlfriend ended, everything went great and she was supposed to visit me in the summer ( we had a LDR but met before IRL as friends) we were friends before we started dating initially. Everything was going great between us and she even started talking about getting married and have children and how she really loved me a lot. The problems started when she was supposed to tell her family about us, we are both females and she is  20 years old whereas I am 22 years old. She went from being very close to me and texting and calling me 24/7 to suddenly turning silent and distant. She decided to go on a mini vacation with one of her friends for a week. I didn't feel comfortable with this and told her I would miss her a lot, because her friend didn't know about us and she said she didn't think she'd ever want to tell her about us either. Her friend didn't know about us and she stayed up the entire week away with the friend till the middle of the night having fun on dating websites with an actual profile she had. When I asked her why she would do this and told her how it hurt me she got angry at me for being jealous and controlling. Things went from bad to worse with her distancing herself the closer we got. After the relationship ended she turned into a person I never knew or recognized before.She reengaged with friends that had a bad influence on her and she was mean to me continuously. Then she told me she would cancel her trip and not see me anymore.   I decided to delete her and block her because it hurt too much how she turned cold and distant suddenly.

About 3 months later we get back in contact, she was very distant still in the beginning telling me how we would never have a relationship again and it would just be friendship, I was okay with this because all I wanted was friendship. After a couple of weeks of talking to each other again she admits to me she is depressed and crying and doesn't want to live anymore, how she was sorry for hurting me and that she just felt really choked and she felt like it was getting all a bit too much for her. She only initially wanted our breakup to be temporary so she would have space to breathe. I helped her every single day for weeks through her depression until she was finally happy again, when I asked her to get back together she told me she really didn't want to get back together. Weeks pass and she decides she wants to visit me for a week. I thought this was really unexpected as I had fallen back in love with her and she didn't want anything to do with me. She once again got closer and closer to me and treated me like we were together again when the day before she was about to come over she tells me she doesn't want a relationship or anything, that she has 0 feelings for me and never will. She still decides to come over as just friends. While she is at my place she is continuously flirting with me, sitting in very exposing underwear next to me and cuddling me very close every single night. One thing leads to another and things happen. She tells me the day after which is the day she is supposed to leave that she doesn't want a relationship and she doesn't love anyone because she can't love anyone, but she'll think about it still. The next week as she is back home it's like we're together again. She's sweet with texting showing constant interest and then suddenly... .nothing again. She doesn't talk to me for 2 weeks when I find out she has a relationship status on Facebook. I ask her what the hell? how could you not tell me you were dating someone? You said you were going to think about getting back together with me and you start dating someone without even telling me about it. We have an entire argument about this, I text the guy she was supposedly seeing to leave her alone. Turns out she faked this entire relationship just to test my friendship and see how I would react to her dating someone else. Then she says she is disappointed in me, for talking to the guy. She freaks out so much that I said that to the guy she starts crying, tells me she hates me and never wants to see me again, and that she actually thought she would be able to see me as a girlfriend again.

Some weeks pass by as we decide again to reengage contact, this time there are no words or promises about never getting back together we don't even mention it. It starts out as usual with her being extremely distant but then getting closer and closer, until it gets too close and she doesn't talk to me for weeks again. Then from about Januari till yesterday we were extremely close and she asked me to visit her to finally meet her family. This entire time she has been texting with me flirting with me and leading me on to believe there is more than a friendship. She opens up more and more to me and we get into a really really emotional conversation about 5 days ago. She started out by suddenly saying how will you react when I will date someone else, on which I react I will be very happy for you, all I want for you is to become happy. She starts crying uncontrollably telling me that she is scared to lose me, and scared that when she dates someone else I'll fall out of love with her and stop caring about her, how she wants to live together with me and travel the world with me and not with the person she is with, and how she wouldn't mind seeing me naked etc etc (all this still without an official relationship) I then tell her everything is going to be okay and as long as she is honest with me I'll be happy for her and I'll still be her friend even though it's hard for me. I tell her how I'll lose all my negative qualities like jealousy etc the reasons she broke up with me in the first place when I'm not in love with her anymore so we can finally be friends, after which she tells me she doesn't want me to lose any of these for her and how there's nothing she hates about me. She also tells me how she doesn't want to be with anyone, she doesn't want to drag anyone down with her and definitely not me, how she cannot be with me because she will only make me unhappy when we are together and how she ruined my life already. I tell her that if someone loves you as much as I do and I do love you a lot, It's worth overcoming the struggles together to become happy together, and that the only reason my life isn't great and the reason I had a depression is because she wasn't with me in the first place. I told her that for me all those things didn't matter and I would just want to be with her to make her happy, she said she didn't want to talk about it anymore and left the conversation crying.

The next day she is stone cold as if we never had this emotional conversation, she says she doesn't feel like talking to me and leave me alone. When I ask her why don't you want to talk to me today she says : I didn't think it was illegal to spend time alone. You're so jealous and clingy and needy. It's like you treat me like an object all the time. I don't wanna talk to you leave me alone. 2 days later she sends me a song called mad in which the lyrics are basically that she wants to make up (it's a song about a couple fighting and wanting to make up) but she says nothing about a relationship only friendship. We decide to invite one of our mutual friends into the call who'm we've both known for a pretty long time, he was my friend. She tells me how she really likes his accent and wishes he would teach me how to speak like that so she could listen to me talk nonstop. But how she is disappointed that his accent sounds very much like he would be handsome, but how he completely the opposite ( she has a long history of complaining about him being weird, stalkerish and just plain annoying) She did flirt with me a bit that day, but was still in her distant mood. I decide to go to sleep because I work early to pay for my ticket to visit her. She texts me awake at 4 in the night saying this guy confessed to loving her, and how she says she feels the same for him . When I ask her to call me as soon as possible the next morning she tells me she doesn't feel like talking to me today, and that whatever I have to say can be said in text as well, or write her a letter. When she finally does come into my call she basically is half yelling at me respect-less saying. Say whatever you wanna say so I can go. I ask her if she truly wants to waste the relationship we had, friendship mostly, and how deep our connection goes (she admitted that I was the only person that understood her, and that she never had as deep of an emotional bond with anyone) if she wants to waste this all for a fling with a guy she usually can't stand and finds annoying. She says in a very distant tone that I don't even recognize from her. I don't feel that way for you, so no I don't want to give us another chance again. I told you already I don't have feelings for you. After which she hangs up angry because I tell her I can't stick around and see you push me away like this right into one of my *thought to be* friends. She says fine if you don't wanna stick around whatever go then. (so much to I'm afraid to lose you, I don't know what to do if I'll ever lose you)

I always felt like she was scared to come out to her friends and family that she was in love with a girl which is why she always suppressed and pushed away any feelings she had for me. She also posted her fake relationship on Facebook but was never public about our relationship.I feel like our conversation went so deep  a few days ago where we both felt such a deep connection and wanting to live together that it scared her once again, right into the arms of someone who was just about to tell her he liked her. Convenient timing when she is pushing me away . I don't know if she will ever try to reconnect with me. She can always text me but I removed her number and blocked/deleted her from everywhere (him too)

I just really don't see how one day she can open up to me , tell me she never wants to lose me, live together with me spend all of her time with me, and a few days later push me so far away to start a relationship with someone she has never even seen before. And tell me with a cold expression, if you can't stick around then don't.

She has a history of being abused as a child and has anxiety disorder, has been hospitalized in a mental hospital before as well.

I'm not sure if she will try to contact me again, a part of me hopes she will realize what she  threw away, I will never understand why she would lead me on flirt with me and act almost as if we're together even in her own jealousy until just when she pushes me away again. I still can't believe she would ever feel anything for him after all the bad things she always said about him. She just knew (I even told her) that's the way she would hurt me most, and that would break me apart. I don't know what to do or expect... .

Thank you all for reading, sorry for the extremely long post 

[Infern0]

Hi there.  This is a familiar sounding story for me even though you guys are a same sex couple it's the same way things have been for me. Constant push pull, go away, come back.

I don't really have any answers because I myself couldn't figure it out and like you I walked away a few days ago, although in not as painful a way.

I think we will both hear from our exes again in fact I'd put good money on it. But I don't see the cycle breaking.

I'm pondering my next move.  I think I'm going to say "either we are in a relationship and give things a go or we don't talk" and sticking to it. It's the only way I can see that might eventually work if we did that and refused to budge.  Eventually they will get that we aren't bluffing and have to make a decision.

[Mutt]

Hi sadanddestroyed,



I'm so sorry you had to go through that. A r/s with a person with BPD leaves us profoundly confused, depressed, emotionally exhausted and fearful of expressing our needs because it may trigger anger and hostility.

The idealization phase of a r/s with a person with borderline personality order often starts with saying that they love you quickly, want to have children and "all or nothing" thinking.

Your ex partner wants and yet fears intimacy. Her clinginess and distance is fear of abandonment and engulfment. She pulls you closer and also fears losing herself and being annihilated; push / pull behavior.

Turns out she faked this entire relationship just to test my friendship and see how I would react to her dating someone else.

She's testing the limits of your boundaries to see if you're going to abandon her. It's difficult anticipating what she'll do and there's a good chance she'll contact again because a pwBPD have little boundaries on themselves and understanding the boundaries of others.

A good place to start are with the lessons to the right ------------------------->

Attachment leads to suffering; detachment leads to freedom.

Hang in there


----Mutt  

[Infern0]

Mutt,  I consider you an expert on bad.

Would you equate the behavior listed above as meaning the pwBPD actually does care about you,  hence the rapid fire between engulfment / abandonment triggers?

In the case of a non,  this behavior would be seen as "playing games or stringing someone along"

I'm thinking BPDs who act this way rather than cutting and running means they do actually feel love for you.

[sun seeker]

  Inferno



What  .

Your next move?  Either we are in  r/s or not. what the heck!

C-mon man tighten up.

Your life your choice. You must enjoy the pain train.

Ill be waiting for another post from you about how it was a HORRIBLE mistake. And  we all will be here for you my friend.

 

[Infern0]

 Inferno



What  .

Your next move?  Either we are in  r/s or not. what the heck!

C-mon man tighten up.

Your life your choice. You must enjoy the pain train.

Ill be waiting for another post from you about how it was a HORRIBLE mistake. And  we all will be here for you my friend.

 

Thanks for the bucket of cold water, I needed that

[sadanddestroyed]

Thank you all for your responses, it was really comforting to read them and know there's people out there who understand.

I'm pondering my next move.  I think I'm going to say "either we are in a relationship and give things a go or we don't talk" and sticking to it. It's the only way I can see that might eventually work if we did that and refused to budge.  Eventually they will get that we aren't bluffing and have to make a decision.

I asked her myself "Are you willing to give up everything we have been through and had for the past years, even though you told me 3 days ago you never wanted to lose me and were just scared to hurt me and I deserved better than you. How you wanted to live with me and how you could never love anyone at all, for just a fling with a guy you usually have the biggest disinterest in even a couple of hours before this happened, instead of giving us another try?" on which she responded I told you already I don't have feelings for you I don't feel that way for you, but I do for him. It was like she morphed into a completely different person, although I could hear the pain in her voice throughout the yelling at me. This obviously left me feeling stupid, thinking yeah she did say that  every time she was pushing me away or was angry with me, and made me feel like I was some crazy person myself.

She's testing the limits of your boundaries to see if you're going to abandon her. It's difficult anticipating what she'll do and there's a good chance she'll contact again because a pwBPD have little boundaries on themselves and understanding the boundaries of others.

I found out about the fake relationship on Facebook, she didn't even have the heart to personally tell me she was seeing someone else (even if it was just a test) so when I got really upset asking her: I thought we were getting closer to getting back together again, she said the same thing... I don't have feelings for you and you can't be my friend anymore because you can't deal with it when I'm seeing someone else. I asked her if she had already 'been' with this guy to which she said that's not of your F-ing business. I heard in her voice that she didn't really care for this guy so I decided to tell him to back off, even though she warned me not to contact him. We had a conversation afterwards that calmed things a bit down and she said she wanted to remain friends after all, I went to sleep and woke up by an angry text.  She got really angry when she found out I send a message to the guy she was *seeing* and told me because I did that she couldn't trust me anymore and she hated me and never wanted to see me again (I myself thought this had to do with the guy finding out I was female as he was a friend of her friend). And how for a moment she said she had this stinging pain in her chest thinking she could actually feel the same way as I do for her again.    


It seemed that every time she acted like she would really care for me and want to be together, she had no feelings and wanted to be friends. But every time she got angry, distant and told me she hated me etc she did turn out to have started getting feelings for me again. That's why when after the long emotional conversation we had after which she pushed me away and acted distant it seemed to me she did get some feelings back, and didn't want this so she suppressed them, I did not understand her almost instant "feelings" for this guy as he just confessed them that moment to her.

Part of me really wants to hear a reply from her, or at least a text message in a couple of weeks/months. But I don't think I will hear from her soon. Part of me thinks she will never reconnect with me as I clearly told her if she ever were to get together with someone else (although this is another LDR for her) I would never want to get back together after that. Her reconnecting with me after me clearly showing a boundary: that I can't be friends with her when she's dating someone else suddenly while before that almost expressing some sort of feelings towards me and leading me on to believe there is more going on between us in a flirting way. The thought of giving us another try almost made her laugh   as she ran off to someone I would never ever have expected her to do as it literally was the worst thing she could do to me, plus the fact she thought of him as almost repulsive in a dating way, but a friend till the end . In her mind she probably feels like the victim right now, feeling as if I abandoned her because I told her I would stay friends with her, but if she does realize how horrible her actions were, she may send a message.  I do hope to hear from her, and a part of me even wants her to tell me that she doesn't have feelings for him and she all did this just to push me away and push my limits. But I'm afraid I'll never hear that

[sadanddestroyed]

Couldn't resist the urge and checked his profile, turns out they are spending 24/7 together all of a sudden after she could spend months not even wanting to talk to him, she definitely 'replaced' everything I used to do with him, not sure if it will last, part of me hopes it doesn't. Going full NC and will update on how it goes :'(