I know the BPDs are confusing because of the intermittent reinforcement of fun, loving behavior. But still. What is up with MY sense of attachment that I hung in there with him? How did I get so attached? So quickly? Why did I refuse to detach at the first sign of trouble? Or at the 1000th sign of trouble?
But the bad stuff started SOON. Why didn't I walk then? What about MY attachment let me get so attached to HIM? And stay attached to him?
What in his disorder resonated so deeply and strongly with my own disordered thinking/feeling/attaching?
Great questions! And the only wasted pain is the pain we don't use; using the demise of the relationship as motivation to dig deep into your own stuff may just take you to places of growth you hadn't been to before and end up being the gift of the relationship.
I don't know how much you've learned about attachment theory, but the 3 main attachment styles are secure, anxious and avoidant, with a little subset call disordered, which is a combo of anxious and avoidant. And the thing is although one style is predominant for everyone, they are not static, for example a person with an anxious style getting with someone with a secure style can make the person with the anxious style more secure. Same goes for a disordered style, although a personality disorder is not an attachment style, and I say it's futile to try and analyze attachment styles as it applies to a relationship with a borderline, since all bets are off and it's crazymaking, as I'm sure you know. Better to detach some, get you feet on the ground, and look at how you relate to other people in your life, and what your attachment style may be. The needs of each style are different, and learning the theory has really helped me know what I need from people, what types of people will never give it to me, and what to ask for. Good luck with the therapy; use it to get some great work done. Take care of you!
