She wants to come back

[SES]

Over a year into her affair.  We still live together.   We are almost divorced.   Our house has sold.  We are about to separate.  Now she says she has ended her affair, regrets what she has done, wants come back... .But doesn't know how and if this is possible.   She even discussed reconciliation with her mother... .who told her she would never be trusted.   She tells me that she realises that there is more to relationships than just sex and fun (as if I didn't know already).  She says she loves me and misses me.   

I hadn't expected this.  Many others predicted it would happen.  It's hard as we have two small kids.   

Im not sure what to make of it.  Perhaps she has finally realised her mistake... .She told me she had ten weeks off work, and has been going to counselling.  She seemed upset.

Perhaps he dumped her.  She says she dumped him... .But who knows!

Perhaps she is just testing out to see if she still has some control over me.

Perhaps she hasn't found anyone else to replace her boyfriend.

She has written quite a bit over recent weeks about reconciliation,  missing me, missing her family,  missing friendship... .All whilst with another man!

It's ridiculous really.  I have to be honest... .Fourteen years and two kids, and I do miss her in so many ways, and still love her.   She seems to have calmed down a lot.  She recognises she has been hurtful.  She described feeling ashamed,  and that her shame propelled her to behave as she did.  Apparently she's a good person who did a bad thing.   

It defies logic... .But I feel for her slightly ... But, she had every opportunity to end her affair and make things good last year.  Shame really.

[livednlearned]

Hi SES,

Would it help to explore what you are experiencing on the Undecided board where others are working through the same push/pull? It's meaningful that your ex has been going to counseling. If your ex is BPD, counseling is not likely to provide enough in terms of tools and skills she needs to make significant changes to her brain, at least in the same way intensive DBT therapy does. If you want the relationship to feel safe, and if you want to rebuild trust, it's important that she does more.

It took me four years before I began to plan my exit in earnest, and I wish I had been more clear about my goals. For example, N/BPDx would quit drinking alcohol for 3 or 4 weeks and then start again. I seemed to accept his "changed" behavior as soon as he began to talk about it, and then crossed my fingers it would be that way for good. A better plan would've been to articulate what would count for me as real effort. Like having him commit to a substance abuse treatment program, and committing to be sober for a year. At that point, if he had met all those objectives, we would discuss the relationship. So the burden was on him to show he was committed, instead of me being so dependent on what he decided to do any given day.

Your wife's boyfriend probably dumped her, is my guess. She was married! Maybe he asked her to move in and live with him, and she said no. Often, affairs begin because neither person has to be psychologically vulnerable. Then the relationship develops and there is pressure to commit to something. If your wife has no capacity to be psychologically vulnerable, she will pull away. That might've led to the OM dumping her. It's hard to say. Maybe it is something important enough to you -- the truth -- to reach out to this guy and ask him what happened.

If he dumped her, your wife will need to attach to someone, and desperately. If it's you, the same cycle is likely to occur unless she gets serious intensive treatment. Once she feels that she is getting closer to you, she will begin to push away, to abandon you before you can abandon her.

At least right now you have a reprieve from the abuse, and the taunting, and this is probably better for your kids, not to mention you. Give yourself a milestone that you can measure change by -- otherwise you will fall into patterns of behavior and decision-making that have not served you well.

At the end of the day, we married people who suffered from severe mental illnesses. And the nature of that illness meant that we -- the intimate partner -- was the last person who was in a position to fix or rescue them. So change has to come from her, and she has to show you that she is serious, not by words but by actions.

It's hard. I feel for you 

[ForeverDad]

Your wife's boyfriend probably dumped her, is my guess. She was married! Maybe he asked her to move in and live with him, and she said no... .If he dumped her, your wife will need to attach to someone, and desperately.

Do you know if her affair is really over?  Frankly, it could resume just as easily as she's trying to resume the marriage... .

If it's you, the same cycle is likely to occur unless she gets serious intensive treatment. Once she feels that she is getting closer to you, she will begin to push away, to abandon you before you can abandon her.

Consider too the legal aspect.  Perhaps her lawyer told her that the case would not turn out with her in a controlling and entitled position.  Perhaps she is thinking to (1) lure you back into the old patterns or (2) reset the conflict and then "next time" look no as bad or even have you look worse than her since she now learned what not to do.  Both are Scary possibilities, right?

What concerns me is that she said she had 10 weeks of counseling and only her announcement gave an indication of it?  Wouldn't you have had clues of a major shift or improvement in recent weeks?  I would expect the counselors to advice that continuing the marriage is a preferred option but if you hadn't seen any significant change along the way then you have a right to be skeptical and her statement may not be the full truth.

So change has to come from her, and she has to show you that she is serious, not by words but by actions.

This is the only way the marriage could succeed but Real Change takes time.  The problem is that it could be months or longer before you could know whether her actions truly matched her promises and the odds weigh heavily against a 'sudden insight'.

[hope2727]

Best advice my lawyer/sibling ever gave me in my divorce was this.  :)ivorce him to protect yourself and whats left of the equity. You can always remarry him if he has really changed.

[ForeverDad]

Her latest overture doesn't match your history of even the last couple weeks!  Ten weeks of counseling and during 8 of those weeks you had a case pending against you?  She sabotaged the house sale, not to reconcile but for more money?  Until now she's spent half the week away with her affair partner?  She just this month threatened to file harassment allegations?

Good news... .Police have closed the case. No further action.  No charges.   No arrests.  Nothing.

It's still hard going.  She turned down a house sale... .and we lost our buyer.  I had a letter from her last week from her regarding her regrets and love... .But that quickly turned to venom.

She spends half the week with him, the other half at home.  She has been with him over a year.

17 texts from her a couple of days ago. I responded with two.  She then suggested I was harassing her, and that she might take it further.   I'm now only going to communicate via lawyers.

[SES]

Thanks everyone! As always, supportive and helpful!

Turns out that her boyfriend cheated on her, and she dumped him.  I'm not sure she really wants to come back!  she didn't like being cheated on.  She was quite upset that he had sex with another woman.  I asked her how she would have felt if she lived with him for six months whilst he continued to have sex with the other woman... .no response to that.  I did find out that she has had ten weeks off work since Christmas.

It's all quite ridiculous really!

Foreverdad and Livednlearned... .You have both given me amazing advice and support over the months .   I'm truly grateful.   

[hope2727]

They have to get well and come home not come home and get well.

 

[SES]

A very good point,  thank you... .I agree with you. The chances of change are slim.  

Of note,  turns out he cheated on her with over six other women.  A perfect match really!

[livednlearned]

A very good point,  thank you... .I agree with you. The chances of change are slim.  

Of note,  turns out he cheated on her with over six other women.  A perfect match really!

How are you doing with all of this right now? It's a lot to take in.

[mywifecrazy]

She tells me that she realises that there is more to relationships than just sex and fun (as if I didn't know already).  She says she loves me and misses me.   

When I first read your post this JUMPED out at me. What it seems like she's saying is that she isn't interested in you physically (sex) and that she doesn't think your fun

Tread lightly my friend!

MWC... .

[ForeverDad]

While I don't want to be too cynical, I also have to be realistic and acknowledge a typical behavior pattern... .crocodile tears.  She's not sad at her choices, she's sad it didn't last.  Her year of sexx & funn came crashing down around her and so of course she's reflecting that.  I'm not saying she's not sincere at the moment, admittedly those may very well be her feelings now.  The problem is that it probably won't be the way she feels later.

A real roller coaster.  Right now the coaster is rolling into the platform.  Do you still see the current separation/divorce action as the time to get off or are you inclined to stay on for more 'thrills and chills'? As in, barring real progress toward recovery, the past (conflict, blaming and chaos) is a good predictor of the future (conflict, blaming and chaos).

Just be forewarned... .if you do reconcile and the relationships hits the rocks yet again, the next time she will likely make more allegations against you and she will have learned from her prior mistakes and do a better smear job and you will have a much harder time to get even the equal parenting time you currently have.

She may be disordered, make poor choices, etc... .but she's not dumb.

[scraps66]

Just say no and protect yourself.

[Mike-X]

Very sorry about all of this. I haven't read all of your story. What was she saying about you and your relationship with her when the affair was going well? Was her plan to move in with the replacement after the separation?

[ForeverDad]

Here's a sample of my prior posts on similar situations.  This first one has some aspects of where you are now, partway through a separation/divorce and now facing the decision whether to proceed or retreat.  Right now you have equal time, if you drop the case and then later separate again we can almost guarantee that she will maneuver it so you will be stuck with less parenting time since most, though not all, pwBPD are very possessive of the kids or want that label as MOTY/FOTY (Mother/Father of the Year), I call it a Public Mask of Seeming Normalcy.

I felt I had to divorce because it was clear to me that my ex would do anything to block my parenting, even making allegations more and more extreme until I was finally wearing an orange jumpsuit.  I have been accused of everything imaginable and it's scary being investigated multiple times.  My ex is super possessive of our child but not as openly nutty as yours.

A second reason was what my lawyer told me.  If I separated and had a good custody evaluation and then later decided to divorce, the court would reset the case back to Day One and start over with a new custody evaluation.  I knew she'd look bad for the first one, but I worried that she would know enough the second time around that she could hide her poor behaviors long enough to come out on top of a second custody evaluation.

You know with your brain that she is DANGER!  You know that no matter what you plead and beg, it won't work the second time around, it would just be more heartache and pain.  You don't want someone who is partying and sleeping around.  You don't want the disease risk, you don't want to extend and prolong your suffering even more.  You deserve better, much better!  So do the kids!  If you can't think of your needs, think of their long term welfare!

This reminds me of the stories I've read about garbage strikes and how desperate people got rid of their trash while it piled up on the streets, I think this one was in Reader's Digest years ago.  One family had their pet die.  They put it in a nice box or suitcase, parked the car in a parking lot, left it unlocked and went shopping.  It was gone when they came back.  She's like that, pretty and tempting on the outside, a huge stinking mess inside.  Let someone else snatch her and run.  You know what's really inside.

Want to know how my lawyer described it?  He was very blunt, very graphic.  "Think with your big head, not your little head."

[SES]

Thanks everyone.   I think she is still dysregulated... There is a slightly manic feel about her.  And an unpredictable feel about her.

I'm not sure she ever planned to move in with him. I'm not convinced she planned on being caught, and seemed quite arrogant in her approach to the affair.

Its amazing how well people have predicted her behaviour,  not only here but at my work (mental health services).   It's running like a text book.

I know this is the end.  No way back.  I think she knows it as well... .She has encouraged me to find happiness with someone else.   I'm not sure I'd want a way back, even if there was one.  It's been the worst year of my life. Worse than any bereavements I suffered (mum, dad, step mum, sister (really hard), friend, cousin).

I feel sad for what I have lost... .But I realise that I didn't really know what I had/didn't have.   My lawyer is aware of her love letter to me... .She sent it back to my wifes lawyer... .calling my wife erratic.    She advised me that the best course of action is to nail divorce,  finances and childcare.  

Thanks for your support.   I have come a long way... .still a way to go.  It helps that my depression is under control, and I don't feel low anymore.  

I've instructed a lawyer for our house sale.  I've bid on another property... .Just waiting to hear back from agent.  I've started packing.   

[whirlpoollife]

SES, my opinion, she is not going to change.  In 27 yrs of marriage , I wanted out many times. Xh convinced me to stay with  his manipulative ways each time. He never changed, never got better. Only worse over the years. 

Sorry for all the deaths in your family. I have had years like that. I was planning to file, then had two deaths , so then I filed afterwards.  After a three year divorce I can finally feel that I can grieve , and in peace.   

Keep moving foward, not backwards,  though these tough times, it will get smoother.

[ogopogodude]

Over a year into her affair.  We still live together.   We are almost divorced.   Our house has sold.  We are about to separate.  Now she says she has ended her affair, regrets what she has done, wants come back... . But doesn't know how and if this is possible.   She even discussed reconciliation with her mother... . who told her she would never be trusted.   She tells me that she realises that there is more to relationships than just sex and fun (as if I didn't know already).  She says she loves me and misses me.   

I hadn't expected this.  Many others predicted it would happen.  It's hard as we have two small kids.   

Im not sure what to make of it.  Perhaps she has finally realised her mistake... . She told me she had ten weeks off work, and has been going to counselling.  She seemed upset.

Perhaps he dumped her.  She says she dumped him... . But who knows!

Perhaps she is just testing out to see if she still has some control over me.

Perhaps she hasn't found anyone else to replace her boyfriend.

She has written quite a bit over recent weeks about reconciliation,  missing me, missing her family,  missing friendship... . All whilst with another man!

It's ridiculous really.  I have to be honest... . Fourteen years and two kids, and I do miss her in so many ways, and still love her.   She seems to have calmed down a lot.  She recognises she has been hurtful.  She described feeling ashamed,  and that her shame propelled her to behave as she did.  Apparently she's a good person who did a bad thing.   

It defies logic... . But I feel for her slightly ... . But, she had every opportunity to end her affair and make things good last year.  Shame really.

SES ,... . I want you consider trying something:  Go to your stove, ... . turn it on, ... . wait for it to get bit** hot, ... . then put your hand on it.   Then do it again. And again. Feel good? 

(sorry for the dumb analogy, ... . but I think you get what I am trying to get across)

[ugghh]

Recycle - stay the course. 

[SES]

Thanks everyone!   Luckily she doesn't seem that committed to trying to recycle.  By her own admission she doesn't know what she wants.   Me... .  I want stability!

I still audio record everything.  I'm wondering what will come next.   One thing is certain... . More is coming before this finishes!