She has the order. Last I heard she was trying to act as her own attorney, pro se, right? I would think DH doesn't have to point out to her the options for her that are clearly listed in the order.
Then again, I've had this magistrate and twice... .no matter what is done the mother will not get full consequences. (She already got a lot of consequences by losing majority time - my lawyer would have said to be happy with that much - but did get a lot of financial breaks.) Would DH get lectured for not mentioning the options in the order? Maybe. But then he could say, "I'm sorry, but I didn't see anything in the order requiring me to do that."
Be aware that her complying with the order to get counseling does not mean she will improve her behavior.
It seems to me that the magistrate recognizes that she is mentally ill. Since we focused on behaviors and mental health was never brought up the magistrate worked with what she had. One of the benefits she reaped from being seen as mentally ill was that she wasn't held accountable for her actions. The kids were moved to safety and she was told she was required to go to counseling. While we weren't seeking to punish her, someone had to take on all the responsibilities that she wasn't equipped to handle. So the magistrate just dumped it all on DH. So I feel like it is implied that the burden of telling her she has options does fall on him. Well, maybe not even just implied since the order says that each parent is responsible for promoting a positive relationship between the children and the other parent. Broadly interpreted, perhaps not saying anything to her about her options puts DH in contempt. Assuming the magistrate was so inclined
I agree that forced counseling is unlikely to yield any results. But at the same time it would be some form of compliance at least. Since she gets two weeks every other year for Christmas break, the magistrate has already said that two weeks is acceptable in the magistrate's mind.
If she doesn't ask for time then I see no reason to offer it. If the children ask, I would be honest and tell them that mom has not asked for any visitation specifically and is going through some hard times, and will ask to see them when she has been able to work it out.
I would encourage them to send her letters with happy updates in what they are doing and hope mom is satisfied with that. I almost get the feeling that mom would rather not have them? Do you think that too?
I would tell the court the same thing. My sisters husband never exercised his visitation rights for almost six years. When he remarried his new wife took the bull by the horns and hauled my sister into court for contempt. When the judge asked my sister why their daughter hadn't seen her father in six years she stated simply, he never asked. You could have sliced the silence with a knife. Everyone in the court room looked at her ex and when the judge asked him if that was true he sheepishly said yes. It was not my sisters responsibility to try to make him see his daughter. Case dismissed.
I don't feel good about telling the kids their mom didn't ask because that's too much truth. You are exactly right that she doesn't actually want the time. Her new boyfriend is divorced and has an every other weekend relationship with his own child. BPD mom has 50/50 time with her youngest from another relationship. I'm sure she realizes that having the kids full time for a big chunk of the summer would get in the way of her new relationship. It's far better to cry and play the victim than to put in any effort. The kids don't need to know how little they actually matter. That is probably going to be obvious enough when she and the BF take a trip with the other two kids this summer but she doesn't come here to see these two.
Your sister's experience is exactly what I suspect will happen eventually. She will eventually start feeling guilty and need the court's assurance that not seeing her kids is all DH's fault. But that probably won't happen unless or until this new relationship ends. Right now the BF's assurance that it isn't her fault is all she needs.
