Lacking Support?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The first question asked to anyone who hits a rough spot in life is, ":)o you have a support network?"

What if you don't?  For those on this board taking personal inventory, I'm looking to feel less alone in my very absolute "alone" status.  I thought I was through the worst part of the healing.  It's been a year since the fallout and I have hit a very, very deep depression.  I'm praying it's just this one year mark that has something to do with this major setback.

Is there anyone on here like me who is without a spouse, children, siblings, or parents…but is doing well?

[Hope0807]

The first question asked to anyone who hits a rough spot in life is, ":)o you have a support network?"

What if you don't?  For those on this board taking personal inventory, I'm looking to feel less alone in my very absolute "alone" status.  I thought I was through the worst part of the healing.  It's been a year since the fallout and I have hit a very, very deep depression.  I'm praying it's just this one year mark that has something to do with this major setback.

Is there anyone on here like me who is without a spouse, children, siblings, or parents…but is doing well?

[jhkbuzz]

The first question asked to anyone who hits a rough spot in life is, ":)o you have a support network?"

What if you don't?  For those on this board taking personal inventory, I'm looking to feel less alone in my very absolute "alone" status.  I thought I was through the worst part of the healing.  It's been a year since the fallout and I have hit a very, very deep depression.  I'm praying it's just this one year mark that has something to do with this major setback.

Is there anyone on here like me who is without a spouse, children, siblings, or parents…but is doing well?

I'm sorry you're struggling so much, Hope0807.

I can relate somewhat... .I'm 8 months post b/u, 6 months n/c, 8 year r/s.

I have no spouse and no children.  I have my SD from the relationship, but I've only seen her twice in the past four months (she's in college). I have one brother and my parents, but they all live far from me and we're not tight knit... .I talk to them just a few times a year.

So I know how you feel. At this point, I'm beginning to realize that my outlook (positive or negative) rises and falls depending on where I focus my thoughts... .simple as that sounds. When I focus on everything I just said ^ I feel sad.  When I focus on making new friends (e.g. through meetup.com); building friendships at work, reaching out to my cousins (who live in the area but whom I haven't spent much time with); getting involved in a church I've recently found; working on myself in therapy so I can be whole and ready for a new r/s; making plans for the future (might sell my house next year) - I feel better and positive.  Not "over the moon" ecstatic, but not just "okay" either. Better. Positive.

I've experienced a lot of sunny days - literally - that I look around and realize what a beautiful day it is, but I've been so mired in sadness that I just don't appreciate it.

I think there is a time for that ^ - grieving is a part of the healing process. But there's also a time to count your blessings and start to take steps - DO SOMETHING - even if it feels weird and awkward.  I felt uncomfortable when I went to my first singles meetup, but now I have a circle of friends in the singles group.  I felt uncomfortable the day I walked into the new church I've been attending - but now I have a really good vibe about it and I'm looking forward to getting more involved.

One day at a time, one step at a time. I didn't feel better "all at once."  It's incremental, and a result of different actions and steps I'm taking.

[Mike-X]

I am sorry to hear about your struggles with this.  I apologize for not know the details of your situation, but have you considered joining social groups (e.g., meetup.com)? Group therapy or support groups?

[BuildingFromScratch]

I think practicing self love and self compassion can help. Reaching out to the community spiritually can help. And also calling a hotline for people with mental difficulty can help. I haven't used that yet myself, but knowing that I can turn to that in my darkest moments is helpful. And reconnecting to old friends, although a bit scary for me helped.

[boatman]

The first question asked to anyone who hits a rough spot in life is, ":)o you have a support network?"

What if you don't?  For those on this board taking personal inventory, I'm looking to feel less alone in my very absolute "alone" status.  I thought I was through the worst part of the healing.  It's been a year since the fallout and I have hit a very, very deep depression.  I'm praying it's just this one year mark that has something to do with this major setback.

Is there anyone on here like me who is without a spouse, children, siblings, or parents…but is doing well?

Hi Hope0807-

I too lack a social support system. Other than seeing my therapist once a week and occasionally talking with people at work, it's just me, myself and I. Sometimes I feel lonely like you do, sometimes I feel rejected, inferior, etc. Sometimes I get hooked into the story of being alone and wonder what the social isolation is doing to me. What works for me is to embrace whatever feelings come up in the moment. I don't deny, overindulge or judge them, I simply let them be. I'm compassionate with myself for having the feelings. For a long time, I tried to do things to "fix" or change the feelings by spending more time around people. All that did was create an unending loop of suffering because it made feeling "not lonely" dependent on being around other people. I also discovered that most of the time I still felt lonely even if I wasn't alone. I don't feel lonely when I'm compassionate with myself and let my feelings be what they are. As the feelings come, I sit with them until they fade away. They come and go, which I think is perfectly ok. I hope this helps. 

[Hope0807]

 I can call a hotline, but I know exactly what to say to myself.  Aside from this time in my life, I AM THE HOTLINE for most people I know.  It's all a hell of a lot easier said than done when you're in the barrel of depression and healing from a most unearthing experience parting from a PD significant other.  On that hotline, [art of me would be screaming from the inside, "He FOOLED me, I can't believe I gave him some of the best years of my life!  OMG I married a monster!  My mom is dying!  She's been dying forever and I'm in limbo!  I'm scared.  I'm 'ok' being lonely once in a while.  I'm terrified of being alone." 

boatman,

This did help a lot as did the others and I love that you wrote and let me know you're out there too.  I appreciate your matter-of-fact, grounded approach to the reality of it all.  I need to play down the emotions and not allow them to wreak the havoc on the moments of my days that they are.  I also can completely relate to what you said about being around other people, 100%.

I am working to get to the point where like you, the feelings will simply come and go, and I will be able to let them fade away…instead of destroying my will like they are.

Thank you!

Hi Hope0807-

I too lack a social support system. Other than seeing my therapist once a week and occasionally talking with people at work, it's just me, myself and I. Sometimes I feel lonely like you do, sometimes I feel rejected, inferior, etc. Sometimes I get hooked into the story of being alone and wonder what the social isolation is doing to me. What works for me is to embrace whatever feelings come up in the moment. I don't deny, overindulge or judge them, I simply let them be. I'm compassionate with myself for having the feelings. For a long time, I tried to do things to "fix" or change the feelings by spending more time around people. All that did was create an unending loop of suffering because it made feeling "not lonely" dependent on being around other people. I also discovered that most of the time I still felt lonely even if I wasn't alone. I don't feel lonely when I'm compassionate with myself and let my feelings be what they are. As the feelings come, I sit with them until they fade away. They come and go, which I think is perfectly ok. I hope this helps. 

[Grey Kitty]

I started a topic on this exact subject a while ago on the Staying board:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=238756.0;all

I shared what has been working for me, and some other members posted as well. I think the biggest thing is that building up a team of people who do support you... . and that you can return the favor... . it is an investment. You have to put time and energy into it, and you have to take a risk or two to get it to that level.

Right at one of my toughest moments, I picked one of my friends to confide in and ask for support. It turned out to be a fantastic choice. I'd been pretty open with her about personal stuff already, but nothing that raw before. In a way I count myself as lucky that I was that desperate at the time--She wouldn't be that close a friend today if I hasn't been.

[going places]

The first question asked to anyone who hits a rough spot in life is, ":)o you have a support network?"

No, I do not.

I finally sought out help from the church. That turned out to be a very bad idea.

I finally talked to my doc (after 1 year of being told by a pastor to not talk to anyone).

She put in touch w/ a "woman's advocate"

I went to group sessions for a while, and one on one session... .they, opened my eyes.

They cared. They KNEW what was happening to me.

They, believed me.

I am moving in a few months so I will build a network of friends when I arrive down south... .

What if you don't?  For those on this board taking personal inventory, I'm looking to feel less alone in my very absolute "alone" status.  I thought I was through the worst part of the healing.  It's been a year since the fallout and I have hit a very, very deep depression.  I'm praying it's just this one year mark that has something to do with this major setback.

Is there anyone on here like me who is without a spouse, children, siblings, or parents…but is doing well?

Anniversaries are hard on me.

From the last week of July until Mid-August... .those are some of the most difficult weeks on my year.

It's like someone drops a house on me, and I have to find my way out.

NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY to plan to do something different or conquer my fear... .it still lays me out.

I do have adult children, 1 away at college, 2 at home.

But at the end of July, I am moving to S. Florida, from IN and they are not coming w/ me... .Just me and my JRT's are moving.

THAT will be one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life, but I have to do what's best for me.

I have to put me first... .

I have put me last for the last 25 years... .it's mama's turn.

[Hopeless777]

Having been with my dBPDw for nearly 30 years and now separated for nearly eleven months, and up to that time having NO friends because she drove them all away, I have spent considerable time creating a support group as follows:

Psychiatrist

Therapist

Codependants Anonymous

Celebrate Recovery

Sustained Victory Group

Pastoral accountability partner

Church

Meet ups

New friend no. 1

New friend no. 2

It's taken about six months of real hard work and time due to the depths of my pain and anguish. I'm still missing a few key figures. I'd like to find a female friend if that's possible since I need friends of both sexes I think. I'm still often in rumination, but slowly learning to live in the moment irrespective of the pain and not fear the future.

Perhaps my battle plan can help someone.

[Grey Kitty]

Great work, Hopeless777... .sounds like you aren't living up to that name anymore.

You commented that your wife drove your friends away over the years. Have you tried to re-connect with any of the old ones?

It's taken about six months of real hard work and time due to the depths of my pain and anguish. I'm still missing a few key figures. I'd like to find a female friend if that's possible since I need friends of both sexes I think.

Interesting... .I find it much harder to get any real intimacy/closeness with other men; all but one of my closest personal friends/supporters are women. I don't know why I have that trend. Perhaps it is easier for me to connect beyond the surface level with women?

[Hopeless777]

Great work, Hopeless777... .sounds like you aren't living up to that name anymore.

You commented that your wife drove your friends away over the years. Have you tried to re-connect with any of the old ones?

It's taken about six months of real hard work and time due to the depths of my pain and anguish. I'm still missing a few key figures. I'd like to find a female friend if that's possible since I need friends of both sexes I think.

Interesting... .I find it much harder to getup any real intimacy/closeness with other men; all but one of my closest personal friends/supporters are women. I don't know why I have that trend. Perhaps it is easier for me to connect beyond the surface level with women?

I don't feel comfortable reconnecting since its been 10+ years. I'm working on the women issue as one of the last pieces of the puzzle. Then I think it's simply expanding the network and seeing what happens. God knows!

[Grey Kitty]

I don't feel comfortable reconnecting since its been 10+ years.

What do you have to lose?

If you don't try, you don't have a friend.

If you try and fail, you don't have a friend.

If you reach out... .even apologize for dumping them out of your life... .and they accept you, you get to re-start an old friendship.

One of the lessons I've learned in my latest round of growth (which was plenty painful!) is that feeling uncomfortable is a result of growth on my part, at least in some cases. I'd encourage you to lean into that uncomfortable feeling, push on through, and see what it gets you. (Especially if any of these friends you left behind are female!)

[Hope0807]

Hopeless777, that's a remarkable effort considering the magnitude of your loss after 3 decades.  I tip my hat to you and thank you and the others for your wisdom.  I've been extraordinarily strong, successful, proactive, and independent my entire life.  So to suddenly find myself feeling like a 5-year old who's been completely abandoned is a lot.

I've been doing lots of work.  I'm in an awful state of limbo:  watching my only parent die while having a few conversations with her that I've waited my entire life to hear - waiting for my marital home to either sell or be foreclosed upon - trying to find a second job to build myself back up financially - looking forward to moving out of the town I've been living in - and mourning my pets, my marriage and everything that went along with those hopes and dreams. 

"I'm still often in rumination, but slowly learning to live in the moment irrespective of the pain and not fear the future." is VERY, VERY much where I want to be.  I need to live in the moment and no where else because it's useless.  I'm trying…and so very grateful for all of you on this board.  

Having been with my dBPDw for nearly 30 years and now separated for nearly eleven months, and up to that time having NO friends because she drove them all away, I have spent considerable time creating a support group as follows:

Psychiatrist

Therapist

Codependants Anonymous

Celebrate Recovery

Sustained Victory Group

Pastoral accountability partner

Church

Meet ups

New friend no. 1

New friend no. 2

It's taken about six months of real hard work and time due to the depths of my pain and anguish. I'm still missing a few key figures. I'd like to find a female friend if that's possible since I need friends of both sexes I think. I'm still often in rumination, but slowly learning to live in the moment irrespective of the pain and not fear the future.

Perhaps my battle plan can help someone.