Is it possible to bear so much pain?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Two weeks on from break-up day and I'm wondering if it's possible to bear the amount of pain I'm feeling. I don't want to cut-off from the pain because last time I did that, I lost my capacity to love and it took my years to get it back. I'm so tempted to go the route of 'forget it, I don't give a ___ about you' just as I suspect he has. How can I keep my heart open when it is breaking? I spend ages on this website. I know it's just another way of obsessing about him but at least I'm not sending all this guff to him. I do send him stuff but he takes ages to respond and is then rather matter of fact. By the look of it, I'm in a far worse state than he is and that's despite years of counselling/personal development work. I am reading stuff, I am reflecting but I'm still in pain. I just want to beg him not to leave me, but he's already gone.

Lifewriter

[Lifewriter16]

Two weeks on from break-up day and I'm wondering if it's possible to bear the amount of pain I'm feeling. I don't want to cut-off from the pain because last time I did that, I lost my capacity to love and it took my years to get it back. I'm so tempted to go the route of 'forget it, I don't give a ___ about you' just as I suspect he has. How can I keep my heart open when it is breaking? I spend ages on this website. I know it's just another way of obsessing about him but at least I'm not sending all this guff to him. I do send him stuff but he takes ages to respond and is then rather matter of fact. By the look of it, I'm in a far worse state than he is and that's despite years of counselling/personal development work. I am reading stuff, I am reflecting but I'm still in pain. I just want to beg him not to leave me, but he's already gone.

Lifewriter

[Mike-X]

Yes it is possible. Why do you feel like you are in a worse state than he is? From what I read and know of BPD, you sound like you are in a much better state. But I am very interested in hearing your thoughts.

[Lifewriter16]

I think what I mean is that I seem to be experiencing far more pain than he is and I'm obsessing about him incessantly. He doesn't seem to be obsessing about me if his 'let's meet but only to conclude things' emails are anything to go by. The more I read on this website, the more I think: 'Oh yes, you're co-dependent' and 'Look at all those thought distortions, you do that' and 'Look at that list of BPD behaviours, doesn't it sound familiar? Are you sure you haven't got BPD too?' In comparison to what I'm feeling, he is coming across as rational. I'm confused, want him back AND don't want him back, am crying my eyes out, regretting doing this and saying that, dreading the rest of my life because a lifetime without him seems quite unbearable right now and more... .

The reality is that I don't actually know what he is experiencing, I'm jumping to conclusions. All I can do is guess what's going on for him, yet, it seems that he isn't at all bothered what's going on for me, but I could be wrong, I'm mind reading again. I want to see him, but I I'm dreading seeing him because of what might happen and how much pain it could trigger. Whilst all this is going on, he's probably shopping!

[Mike-X]

I think what I mean is that I seem to be experiencing far more pain than he is and I'm obsessing about him incessantly. He doesn't seem to be obsessing about me if his 'let's meet but only to conclude things' emails are anything to go by. The more I read on this website, the more I think: 'Oh yes, you're co-dependent' and 'Look at all those thought distortions, you do that' and 'Look at that list of BPD behaviours, doesn't it sound familiar? Are you sure you haven't got BPD too?' In comparison to what I'm feeling, he is coming across as rational. I'm confused, want him back AND don't want him back, am crying my eyes out, regretting doing this and saying that, dreading the rest of my life because a lifetime without him seems quite unbearable right now and more... .

The reality is that I don't actually know what he is experiencing, I'm jumping to conclusions. All I can do is guess what's going on for him, yet, it seems that he isn't at all bothered what's going on for me, but I could be wrong, I'm mind reading again. I want to see him, but I I'm dreading seeing him because of what might happen and how much pain it could trigger. Whilst all this is going on, he's probably shopping!

I see. Have you read anything about how people with BPD deal with conflict and emotion in relationships? Also, have you read about dissociation and BPD?

[Lifewriter16]

Yes I have. I know what you're getting at. I'm blaming myself because then I feel in control and if I have control I can do something to remove the pain. However, I know I have NO control over this situation. I can't even make him reply to my emails, let alone work things through with me. I can't stop him from 'axing' the love he said he felt for me from his psyche and I can't stop him from pouring our relationship down the plug hole all the while blaming me for it having ended. I'm completely helpless.

[MyEyesrOpen]

Hi Lifewriter,

Im going through the same things For me its been 4 weeks and 2 days. Ive become addicted to telephone psychic's always calling with the same questions - 1. will we get back? and 2. when will i hear from him?

I feel the same anxiety - wondering if he feels what im feeling, has he already moved on,

i know this sounds crazy but one of my fav psychcis told me she couldnt read me one day 2 weeks ago bc of the amount of anxiety she was picking up - said he could feel it and i was pushing him away further. Suggested taking a sea salt bath for at least 15 min and really soak - emerge head to toe. While doing that breath deeply and ask for healing and to take the negative energy away from you. I tried this and felt 80% better the next few days until the anxiety set in. Will be trying this again, its worth a shot. Also - if you are constantly checking his social media - STOP - that is going to make you feel worse you need to unplug. Ive also tried this and its helping. Im sorry you're going through the withdrawls i know the feeling, im happy i have found this site. I dont feel so alone anymore - i hope the same for you

[Lifewriter16]

Hi MyEyesrOpen,

I don't know whether your psychic is 'psychic' or not, but I think she's right. I know that my anxiety and desperation would push even the sanest of people away and we're not talking sane, are we?

I think I'll try the bath routine tonight. I can't change anything, so I might as well let it go.

As they say in the 12 Step Programmes:

'God' grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference.

And let's hope 'He' grants it FAST!

[Mike-X]

I think what I mean is that I seem to be experiencing far more pain than he is and I'm obsessing about him incessantly.

it seems that he isn't at all bothered what's going on for me

Whilst all this is going on, he's probably shopping!

I am not seeing that you are recognizing the dysfunction that allows him to seemingly detach from a relationship he once claimed to feel so strongly about.  I certainly understand wanting to be rid of the pain. In my opinion your 'grieving' is good and healthy, and his not grieving or not showing it is not 'good' and not something to envy. Be glad and accept that you are grieving. You can love and attach to people, and as a consequence,  you grieve when the relationship ends.

How does that sound to you?

[MyEyesrOpen]

Lol im not sure she is either - but whatever works in easing the pain (and not abusing drugs or alcohal like i have in the past) try the bath... . keep us posted on that... .

We are routing for you!

[Lifewriter16]

I see what you both mean now. Thank you.

[wanttoknowmore]

Yes ! The pain gets better with time.... .absolutely.  My suggestion to you is ... . if you truly love him... . just leave him alone a.k.a. Total No Contact. Think of him as a wounded individual who is reeling in emotional pain and if even touch him with a feature ... .his pain gets worse.  The most kind and compassionate thing to do is to not to contact for atleast 2 weeks more and keep telling yourself "Because I love him I will not touch him at this time... . I will let him heal"  I know it is very very hard because you are also in pain. But, being more normal than him... . only you can do it... . he can not do it. There is a big possibility that when he heals from this acute pain of emotional dys-regulation... .he might try to send you subtle signs that he is ready and at that point ... .you can make a decision whether to allow him back in your life or give up. Not contacting him at this time is the greatest act of kindness. Believe me each week , it gradually becomes more and more tolerable and in a few months... . pain almost subsides.