Everything he did was some "favor" to me.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Just got to thinking, he would like to think, that all of his behavior, he always found a way to tell himself, that he was doing me a favor.  Even if I was clearly the one sacrificing for his benefit.  (Idk if this is more the NPD traits vs BPD traits maybe, so not sure how/if others relate)

For example:

--He went to MC with me, as a favor to me.  It was always, "This is what I do for her!"

--When he broke up, he even continued with individual counseling for himself, because he felt that it was some plan of his and the T to keep me in therapy.  He thought it was some plot to help me. (Which is ridiculous, I have no issue working on my issues in therapy and have done so for my PTSD before.  More likely, that is what he told himself so he wouldn't feel shame for continuing the therapy). When I corrected him and told him his therapy was actually meant for him, the look on his face was he felt deceived by T.  I'm sure something T said, he twisted to make himself think they were plotting to help me.

--When I stood up for him in court to get custody of his daughter.  (From his greater disordered uBPDexw) Well, it is because he allowed me to participate as a partner, because he knew how much having a partnership means to me, therefore doing me another favor.  (He seriously thought this way on many things, to give me the partnership I wanted, was a gift, just for me)

--Honestly, I'm embarrassed to admit, he often acted like sex, was just another "favor," like him being there for it and almost equally participating was another gift for me.

Why did everything in his head need to be like some sort of favor?

Does he just think he is such a gift to my life?  Which would explain why he seemed to progressively look down on me as time went on, like each argument, he lowered me and lowered me in his mind.  I became progressively "unworthy" for his "gifts." Explains why his biggest tactic was withholding in some way.

Or maybe it is more guilt?  That he feels unworthy and thus feels like he has to make everything a gift because he would otherwise feel unworthy of what I offer.

Or maybe more about power?  If he always feels his actions are giving, then he is always owed a favor and is in greater position of power. (He always kept score.  I'd forget and not notice, then realize he had some mental tally of everything from putting away dishes, to sexual favors)

He was even this way for holidays and gift giving.  He had a hard time expressing that he liked a gift even if he did.  It was like he was more comfortable for him to get the wrong thing. Even if he beforehand picked out the gift that he got, he somehow would find a way to devalue and suddenly not find it suitable.  But he always wanted to feel like he gave the perfect gifts.

Idk... .anyone relate?

[Sunfl0wer]

Just got to thinking, he would like to think, that all of his behavior, he always found a way to tell himself, that he was doing me a favor.  Even if I was clearly the one sacrificing for his benefit.  (Idk if this is more the NPD traits vs BPD traits maybe, so not sure how/if others relate)

For example:

--He went to MC with me, as a favor to me.  It was always, "This is what I do for her!"

--When he broke up, he even continued with individual counseling for himself, because he felt that it was some plan of his and the T to keep me in therapy.  He thought it was some plot to help me. (Which is ridiculous, I have no issue working on my issues in therapy and have done so for my PTSD before.  More likely, that is what he told himself so he wouldn't feel shame for continuing the therapy). When I corrected him and told him his therapy was actually meant for him, the look on his face was he felt deceived by T.  I'm sure something T said, he twisted to make himself think they were plotting to help me.

--When I stood up for him in court to get custody of his daughter.  (From his greater disordered uBPDexw) Well, it is because he allowed me to participate as a partner, because he knew how much having a partnership means to me, therefore doing me another favor.  (He seriously thought this way on many things, to give me the partnership I wanted, was a gift, just for me)

--Honestly, I'm embarrassed to admit, he often acted like sex, was just another "favor," like him being there for it and almost equally participating was another gift for me.

Why did everything in his head need to be like some sort of favor?

Does he just think he is such a gift to my life?  Which would explain why he seemed to progressively look down on me as time went on, like each argument, he lowered me and lowered me in his mind.  I became progressively "unworthy" for his "gifts." Explains why his biggest tactic was withholding in some way.

Or maybe it is more guilt?  That he feels unworthy and thus feels like he has to make everything a gift because he would otherwise feel unworthy of what I offer.

Or maybe more about power?  If he always feels his actions are giving, then he is always owed a favor and is in greater position of power. (He always kept score.  I'd forget and not notice, then realize he had some mental tally of everything from putting away dishes, to sexual favors)

He was even this way for holidays and gift giving.  He had a hard time expressing that he liked a gift even if he did.  It was like he was more comfortable for him to get the wrong thing. Even if he beforehand picked out the gift that he got, he somehow would find a way to devalue and suddenly not find it suitable.  But he always wanted to feel like he gave the perfect gifts.

Idk... .anyone relate?

[valet]

My ex made me feel like this toward the end of our relationship as well. It was even basically her only reason for breaking up with me ('I can either hurt you in small deteriorating ways for a while, or one big way now'. Problem was, almost entirely, that she was the one that sabotaged the relationship by having a completely unstable set of emotions and very incomprehensible interpretations of the current situation. I guess I'm not bitter or resentful of it anymore, although I was at first. It is just part of their disordered behavior.

Stay strong sunflower. We got your back on this one!

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you valet! I'm not sure what is happening for me... .just a flood of a depressive tidal wave has hit me... .I appreciate the support!

[mitchell16]

the deal with sex, made me remember one of ex BPD rages where she was screaming " you just dont help enough" me totally confused responded with everything I did for her. which was a huge list. she then came back with " yes, you do all those things for me but I give you sex in return" I was like wow. Its all about them always was and always will.

[ShadowIntheNight]

the deal with sex, made me remember one of ex BPD rages where she was screaming " you just dont help enough" me totally confused responded with everything I did for her. which was a huge list. she then came back with " yes, you do all those things for me but I give you sex in return" I was like wow. Its all about them always was and always will.

It's amazing how similar this might sound when my uBPDexgf was in her BPD place. She never used that phrase with me, but I am sure it could have been used somewhere else given what I know about her and how she responds to being called on her behaviors.

[wishfulthinking]

Mine is/was the same way.  He is "a good man" "a good husband" "treats you good" "gives all of myself" to me.

Then, I hear how I give none of myself to him.  I'm selfish with my feelings and never tell him how I feel positive about him. I never talk to him about anything anymore and rarely smile. 

That's right, I did NOTHING in this whole relationship.  When he stole my checks and I refused to press charges, that was my fault anyway, I shouldn't have put the checks where he could find them.  When I gave him money to go to his court ordered anger management classes because he'd been sitting on his butt and had no money and had already pawned all his stuff for pills and alcohol and gas... .he didn't go... .needed to get cigarettes and pay his friend, even though I canceled a biopsy for myself to get the money.  He helped me use 20 grand of my savings. He helped me destroy my house of 13 years.  He helped me destroy both my vehicles that were in good shape.  He helped me by stealing my own diamond jewelry and taking it to the pawn shop where I currently am buying them back on layaway.  Oh, the diamond Bulova $600 watch I gave him for his birthday, pawned 3 days later.  Buying that back, too.  Just so I can resell it and get my own satisfaction, since I only paid $50 new for it.

Got off track, sorry... .feeling bitter today.  Meeting to sign papers and begin divorce proceedings tomorrow with lawyer and trying to be strong and remember he is NOT the man I fell in love with.  Not even married 2 years and he is hateful and violent and mean... .but I'm wrong there, I'm sure... .according to him he is wonderful.

[Beach_Babe]

This was exactly how mine behaved. Everything was a favor, even text messages and phone calls. (i.e.:  I needed his permission to call). This last year  it became  a favor to acknowledge me at all, and I was treated as being lower than $h*t. He would always tell me how good he was to me too, then use my "ungratefulness" as reason to be abusive and mean.

[Sunfl0wer]

Mitchell16:

Its all about them always was and always will.

Yup!

Wishfulthink:

Omg!  That sounds like hell!  I'm so sorry

Meeting to sign papers and begin divorce proceedings tomorrow with lawyer and trying to be strong and remember he is NOT the man I fell in love with.  Not even married 2 years and he is hateful and violent and mean... .but I'm wrong there, I'm sure... .according to him he is wonderful.

Good for you!  Hang in there!

My uNPD/BPDex was not overtly mean.  It was covert, and the covertness of it makes me feel crazy sometimes.  Like now he is offering to bring me moving boxes or help with my car.  So I am not taking his bait.  But this makes me look like a b**** for basically snubbing someone who is just being friendly.  So he gets to be the "good guy" offering to help.

I think he is just mainly driven by intense guilt.  I think it is his guilt that makes it impossible to graciously accept a well thought x-mas gift.

[wishfulthinking]

Oh, mine got me a diamond nose ring for my birthday a couple years ago.  I still hear about it.  Regardless of the fact he pawned my diamond necklace, earrings, and tennis bracelet and then YELLED AT ME for finding out.  I'm supposed to be thanking him for that nose ring to this very day and never bring up that I have to buy my jewelry back.  Considering the fact that I had been paying his truck payment, cell phone, all the bills, etc for months, he SHOULD have had the money for a good birthday gift!  Because I'm beyond broke now.  I quit paying his truck, it's up for repo because he rarely works.  He'll bring home $200 every 2 months and then not work for a month at all.  Coming up with all sorts of excuses... .Yep, he's right... .it rained for 42 days straight... .NOT.  The weather didn't stop you from working, it's Missouri, it's beautiful here right now.  But whatever you have to tell yourself for sitting on your a$$.

Ugh... .sorry, venting again.

[wishfulthinking]

Hang in there Sunflower.  We can and WILL be strong and beat this.  We deserve happiness and NO DRAMA.  We don't have to live in turmoil and guilt and repression.  We are better than this.  Good luck to you

[Pilpel]

I'm usually over on the relatives board, but saw this when I looked up "unread" posts.  I just had to respond because I see the same tendency in my uSIL.  Most times my husband and I feel like we are exerting all of our grace to put up with SIL when she's around, yet she has this way of presenting herself as if there is no question that we all love having her around and she's the most special, loving person in our lives.  It makes me think that on some level she knows how difficult she is to be around. 

I also see a similar tendency where she has a difficult time dealing with things --choices, minor inconveniences and minor problem solving.  She has a very low threshold for frustration.  This often leads to her blowing up and talking to others as if they're incompetent for not seeing her needs and solving the problem for her. 

[Sunfl0wer]

Thanks beach babe and wishful,

It doesn't matter even that we are broke up, he is gone, he is still trying to do favors.

He is still playing out the only dynamic he knows.

It is just weird to me!

Maybe he doesn't feel like he deserves anything without first paying it forward?

I think it is his way to at least be friends, but I think for us to truly be friends, we would have to learn to finish grieving, getting through this pain without the other, otherwise we would be lying to ourselves and actually seeking comfort from each other for the breakup... .thus confusing the whole grieving process.

I know this seems basic, and I have read that here, intellectually get it, and it seems clear.  However, I am finding myself in a delay of emotionally processing things after having complete intellectual understanding of it.

So I guess my mind is faster at processing than my heart.  And it all feels like brand new learning again as my heart takes its time to catch up.

Well, it is confusing dealing with someone with a different reality that is way off from your own. 

[Sunfl0wer]

I'm usually over on the relatives board, but saw this when I looked up "unread" posts.  I just had to respond because I see the same tendency in my uSIL.  Most times my husband and I feel like we are exerting all of our grace to put up with SIL when she's around, yet she has this way of presenting herself as if there is no question that we all love having her around and she's the most special, loving person in our lives.  It makes me think that on some level she knows how difficult she is to be around. 

I also see a similar tendency where she has a difficult time dealing with things --choices, minor inconveniences and minor problem solving.  She has a very low threshold for frustration.  This often leads to her blowing up and talking to others as if they're incompetent for not seeing her needs and solving the problem for her. 

This reminds me of my uBPDsis!  She literally said and believed that as a teen, guys should pay to just be seen with her.  She seriously thought her presence was a gift!  Unbelievable!  I would gasp, and say, " are you serious?"  With a straight face, glowing and beaming, she would say, "Absolutely!"

I think a lot of us around her thought some of her persona was actually a joke, and why we tolerated it... .there was no other way to make sense of that.  But now I see how she really did think that!  How unbelievable to me!