Need advice to move on ~

[ASD]

Morning all.  I need help please.  The last couple of weeks have been Hell and today may be a breaking point.  

Wife has gotten to a low point and talking about breaking up.  We own a house we bought before the recession that I'm underwater in and it's about to be vacant.  She said that perhaps she could move in there so there's somewhere for the kids to sleep.  1) She's never getting the kids if I have anything to do with it 2) my kids will never sleep in that neighborhood again, I moved for a reason.

I need help figuring: 1) Should I tell her she's not getting the kids?  2) If so, how?  3) If not, how do I: get around the topic.  

How do I go on living with her til this is resolved?  She's making me feel like I'm the one with problems.  She has told me point blank she's not verbally abusive, won't admit to it and move on.  Point blank.  I am the one with the problems, and I am starting to believe her.  I am running on empty.  

How do I protect the kids through all this?  I am physically & mentally exhausted.

What are some questions I should ask prospective attorneys regarding a high conflict personality divorce?  How can I prepare them to prepare my case for 100% custody?

[Infared]

Sorry to hear you are in such a stressful situation.

Have you looked at this link?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

[DyingLove]

Morning all.  I need help please.  The last couple of weeks have been Hell and today may be a breaking point.  

Wife has gotten to a low point and talking about breaking up.  We own a house we bought before the recession that I'm underwater in and it's about to be vacant.  She said that perhaps she could move in there so there's somewhere for the kids to sleep.  1) She's never getting the kids if I have anything to do with it 2) my kids will never sleep in that neighborhood again, I moved for a reason.

I need help figuring: 1) Should I tell her she's not getting the kids?  2) If so, how?  3) If not, how do I: get around the topic.  

How do I go on living with her til this is resolved?  She's making me feel like I'm the one with problems.  She has told me point blank she's not verbally abusive, won't admit to it and move on.  Point blank.  I am the one with the problems, and I am starting to believe her.  I am running on empty.  

How do I protect the kids through all this?  I am physically & mentally exhausted.

What are some questions I should ask prospective attorneys regarding a high conflict personality divorce?  How can I prepare them to prepare my case for 100% custody?

Holy cow.  For some reason, what you wrote really triggered some bad feelings/vibes.  Get a voice recorder, use it and never let her know... . it's a good way to cover your butt.

Are you just planning on leaving or divorcing or what at first?  And yes you have problems that SHE caused most likely, so there is your confused feelings. Rememeber: we give away too much info most of the time.  The less you tell her the better... . and you can always decide to tell her more at a later time... . but once you divulge information, you can't get it back!  So don't say anything you'll regret, even when she pushes your buttons.

Also, take it from me... . get the heck out of there as soon as you can, or give her the boot!  I had to remain under the same roof with my ex for about 2 months additional after the breakup.  It was prison.  She used to call me baby, honey, sweetie... . that changed to "hey" as well as my name.  HARSH AND COLD AND UGLY.  :)on't get caught without money either... . that happened to me and I had to depend on friends to rescue me... . nearly killed me... . litterally.  We're your friends here... . you'll get plenty of advice!  :-)  Start taking care of you!

[livednlearned]

Hi ASD,

These are not easy experiences, leaving a BPD partner. It's easy to feel lost, to believe the allegations, to be exhausted and wish it would all go away. Having kids makes this so much harder. Most of us don't have experience with family courts, there's so much to learn. There are senior members here who have a lot of collective wisdom, to help you through.

There is also a very important book to read: Splitting - Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse by Bill Eddy. Bill is a former social worker, now a family law attorney. He founded the High Conflict Institute, and there are a lot of useful articles there.

We also have some good material here on the site that might be helpful:

The Theory of the Pattern of Blame

Psychological and Emotional Stages of Divorce

High-Conflict Family Law Matters and Personality Disorders

About what to tell your wife... . it's best to hold your cards close until you have gathered information and have an exit plan. People with BPD have a fear of abandonment, and divorce is a very real abandonment, not just of you, but the fear of losing the kids. She has an extreme rejection sensitivity. Divorce can be emotionally devastating to even a non-disordered person.

One thing that people often overlook -- not all BPD are high-conflict personalities, what Bill Eddy calls HCPs. But all HCPs have a PD, and they tend to recruit negative advocates, are persuasive blamers, and have a target of blame. Has your wife made any false allegations against you before? Has she engaged in any smear campaigns? Your divorce may not be as high-conflict as some of the ones here if she is pre-clinical BPD, or less severely afflicted.

Buy Bill Eddy's book and read the articles to ground yourself in this new normal of divorce land. It's a good idea to start documenting everything you can, and develop a safety plan for both you and the kids in case she dysregulates.

It's also a good idea to consult with 2 or 3 different attorneys. Explain your circumstances, and what your goal is, and hear them out -- they will all have different strategies. These consultations will often cost $50 to $300 for 30min or 60 min. Go in with a lot of questions and take notes, or ask someone to come with you who will take notes.

You are likely emotionally overwhelmed right now, so if you have someone in your life you trust, lean on that person right now. You need some support right now, whether it's from people here who have been through this, or someone in your life that will be a sounding board.

For now, don't tell her she isn't getting the kids. It will only make matters worse for you. Hold your cards close right now.

[Nope]

I need help figuring: 1) Should I tell her she's not getting the kids?  2) If so, how?  3) If not, how do I: get around the topic.  

The first thing my DH learned from his L was not to tip his hand. Don't make threats and don't make statements that will be seen as threats. From what you wrote it sounds like she is not asking you if she's getting the kids. She's just flat assuming she's getting them. So there is no reason to say anything at all. Let her think that until you have your ducks in a row. Any knowledge about what you plan to do will be power she uses to create obstacles.

Every time she talks about what she and the kids will do, just say nothing. She's likely just fishing for some sign of resistence. In my DH's case, we had the kids for summer parenting time after a grueling nightmare of a court battle where we were waiting on the custody finding. Back then the BPD mom had 85% physical custody. Shortly after court she sent DH an email asking him not to make the kids any Dr. or dentist appointments on his parenting time because she'd already made appointments for "when they come back home". DH didn't respond to what was clearly a taunt... .

... . And didn't gloat when he ended up with 95% physical custody a few weeks later.

Though I will admit it was sorely tempting to write her back saying, ":)on't forget to cancel those appointments now.   

[jedimaster]

I need help figuring: 1) Should I tell her she's not getting the kids?  2) If so, how?  3) If not, how do I: get around the topic.  

The first thing my DH learned from his L was not to tip his hand. Don't make threats and don't make statements that will be seen as threats. From what you wrote it sounds like she is not asking you if she's getting the kids. She's just flat assuming she's getting them. So there is no reason to say anything at all. Let her think that until you have your ducks in a row. Any knowledge about what you plan to do will be power she uses to create obstacles.

Every time she talks about what she and the kids will do, just say nothing. She's likely just fishing for some sign of resistence. In my DH's case, we had the kids for summer parenting time after a grueling nightmare of a court battle where we were waiting on the custody finding. Back then the BPD mom had 85% physical custody. Shortly after court she sent DH an email asking him not to make the kids any Dr. or dentist appointments on his parenting time because she'd already made appointments for "when they come back home". DH didn't respond to what was clearly a taunt... .

... . And didn't gloat when he ended up with 95% physical custody a few weeks later.

Though I will admit it was sorely tempting to write her back saying, ":)on't forget to cancel those appointments now.   

I second all of this, and I will add, the moment I made up my mind to leave and began making plans, I began to feel incredibly empowered.  I could listen to anything she said without responding because I knew what the reality was, and what was about to happen as soon as my plans were complete and the time was right.  I planned for a high-conflict confrontation, and oddly enough, it wasn't that at all.  The whole initial discussion was so matter-of-fact it was surreal.  I think a lot of that was due to the fact that I had been making plans for weeks and had my exit strategy already in action when I told her.  That allowed me to keep my emotions in check, which I think had a calming effect on her as well.  Also I had been emotionally detaching and not reacting to her statements and actions for a while as I was leading up to the final break, which seemed to help keep the temperature dialed down.  It hasn't been completely smooth since then, but there have been no big blowups. 

Everybody is different, but I can tell you that just knowing you're not helpless and you can survive this will make a huge difference in how you feel.