BPD and her new boyfriend/spouse

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, but just when I thought I'm completely over the BPD spouse,  I get stirred up again thinking about how she took my son away from me to chill with this coworker guy she might have cheated on me with, the rage... I can barely contain myself.  

Anyway, I'm asking on this board because I want to know from those of you who had a child with a BPD, any of you heard of their failed romance / second marriage and how long did it take?  If so, how did it affect your child?

Thanks.

[LeonVa]

I know I shouldn't be thinking this way, but just when I thought I'm completely over the BPD spouse,  I get stirred up again thinking about how she took my son away from me to chill with this coworker guy she might have cheated on me with, the rage... I can barely contain myself.  

Anyway, I'm asking on this board because I want to know from those of you who had a child with a BPD, any of you heard of their failed romance / second marriage and how long did it take?  If so, how did it affect your child?

Thanks.

[Hostage1234]

Still togeather but my son is having such a hard time she tells him I'm not his dad my ex BPD s mom is BPD/ overload such a wich rotten woman if she could just die early my son would be ok

[Turkish]

It affected mine because their mother has poor boundaries. Not giving the children time to grieve us not being an intact family, she introduced them to her affair partner right after she moved out. It caused major problems within three months such that they didn't want to go with her. Things clamed over the summer, though S5 was saying things even a month ago that he wanted us together. These are normal thoughts and feelings for the children of divorce.

Last week, she told me that he is moving in and that they are getting married within the month. It is hard enough on them that they are 2 and 5 (the kids  but it is probable that in later years they might figure things out. She already lied to our son on why she left. I told him part of the truth, leaving out his new step dad.

When a partner leaves to be with their affair partner, it's better in most cases to be truthful, rather than perpetuating a lie. As Lawson says in Understanding The Borderline Mother, for a pwBPD, "lying feels essential for survival."

[zundertowz]

Unfortunately your BPD ex will have a new boyfriend every few years and will introduced your children to many different men.  BPDs often also treat their children as friends and they will be on the relationship roller coaster along with your ex.  This will likely screw up there views of relationships.  My BPD ex had 3 different men living in the same house with them and the 4th isnt far away... .there 12 and 14.  Im not getting into details but these girls are sweet girls but very troubled.

[LeonVa]

@Hostage1234, my blood boils just reading your situation. I don't blame you for thinking that way.  Though, I hope one day, we'll get to a stage where we don't care if they die or not... . but I'm really not sure how I would react if it happens to me later.

@Turkish, I might do that as well when my kid (almost 3) asks later when he's a little older. You are right, it is what it is.

@zundertowz, I'm actually hoping the next idiot will realize her BPD traits soon, I pity the fool instead of jealous, but at the same time, like you said, I'm extremely worried on how she will affect our son who is almost 3 and perfectly healthy at the minute.

I've been thinking all day today and I realized that the mixed emotions I'm having today is all due to the fact that I deeply feel sorry that my son has to go along this crazy ride. I got out but he didn't, he can't.

I'm getting a 50/50 custody (still waiting for it to finalize), so I guess I will do everything in my power to make him feel loved, validated and be a positive, healthy man growing up. That's all I hope for and all I can do.

Thanks guys.

[Turkish]

I'm getting a 50/50 custody (still waiting for it to finalize), so I guess I will do everything in my power to make him feel loved, validated and be a positive, healthy man growing up. That's all I hope for and all I can do.

Good for you and your son! Don't underestimate the positive influence you will have on him. Even though he's young, learn the validation techniques; they work on anyone, PD'd or not. Go through the lessons and take what works. Validation is especially important for children, to feel that they are heard. Let his mom do what she does there, and you do what you can when he is with you. You have control over that.

[LeonVa]

I'm getting a 50/50 custody (still waiting for it to finalize), so I guess I will do everything in my power to make him feel loved, validated and be a positive, healthy man growing up. That's all I hope for and all I can do.

Good for you and your son! Don't underestimate the positive influence you will have on him. Even though he's young, learn the validation techniques; they work on anyone, PD'd or not. Go through the lessons and take what works. Validation is especially important for children, to feel that they are heard. Let his mom do what she does there, and you do what you can when he is with you. You have control over that.

Thanks @Turkish, it gives me great comfort to hear what you said. It gives me direction!  Greatly appreciate it.

[scraps66]

Your rage is certainly understandable.  It's hurtful as a parent to have some one directly try to make you "peripheral" in your child's life.   

Regardless of affair or whatever, my observation is that year 5 or around there seems to be pretty consistent when things fall apart for a BP relationship.  Was in my case.

I'm amazed at the facades.  My ex was cheating, I didn't care as I had already filed for divorce. Then she introduced the kids to her now bf some four years ago, and he moved in while I was paying the mortgage and living elsewhere.  She treats this guy like GOLD as she had never treated me.  I have to think it will fall apart at some time, but.  It seems it is the best scenario for a BP, she has the new bf which is like the "normal" relationship and she still has me to compare herself to, however falsely.  It goes further in that the bf is best friends with one of my neighbors so she talks to all of my neighbors but doesn't live her, I do.

Again, I still feel at some point, the leopard doesn't change it's spots, that people around the BPs put two and two together and realize.

[LeonVa]

Your rage is certainly understandable.  It's hurtful as a parent to have some one directly try to make you "peripheral" in your child's life.  

Regardless of affair or whatever, my observation is that year 5 or around there seems to be pretty consistent when things fall apart for a BP relationship.  Was in my case.

I'm amazed at the facades.  My ex was cheating, I didn't care as I had already filed for divorce. Then she introduced the kids to her now bf some four years ago, and he moved in while I was paying the mortgage and living elsewhere.  She treats this guy like GOLD as she had never treated me.  I have to think it will fall apart at some time, but.  It seems it is the best scenario for a BP, she has the new bf which is like the "normal" relationship and she still has me to compare herself to, however falsely.  It goes further in that the bf is best friends with one of my neighbors so she talks to all of my neighbors but doesn't live her, I do.

Again, I still feel at some point, the leopard doesn't change it's spots, that people around the BPs put two and two together and realize.

I'm on my 4th to 5th year, so pretty accurate.

Karma will catch up to her, my job right now is to minimize the impact of her imminent roller coaster ride on my son.