New here - BPD husband and need to be able to talk

[unraveled_knitter]

Hi there, I think I am glad I have found this site. Most of the others I have found only talk about how to leave a relationship with a BPD person, but I don't want to do that and those just make me angry.

My husband has been going to DBT for about 8 months now after being diagnosed with BPD on top of his PTSD and Bipolar II. We were married before he was diagnosed with anything, but he had previously been suicidal. His family knows of his dx, but they don't know that the cause has been associated to them (and they do not know the cause of his non-combat PTSD). My family does not know at all since they are not supportive people in general (always out for themselves, didn't want me to marry him in the first place because we were "too young" at age 23(him) and 24(me)).

I unfortunately have a nasty habit of pretending problems don't exist, and this is definitely not the way to do things if I want this to work out. I am hoping that participation here will help me out to be a better supportive person for him.

Since we are about to move, my husband stopped going to DBT, but is still seeing his Psychiatrist, who does not work in the same clinic. I am hoping that after the move, which is stressful in itself, he starts going again. I am going to do my best to encourage it.

I think I am going to post specifics as another thread, since this is meant to be just an introduction. I look forward to talking to all of you!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Glad you have found us.

You are right this is a safe haven for those who wish to stay positive and do what they can to make life somwhat better. This is a large site with lots of resources and information available (don't worry if you get lost in it sometimes).

Being such a big site we have the ability to have completely separate boards for staying, leaving and coping. posting run messages on the Staying board is against guidelines, so you should be spared this trigger.

That being said you will be asked hard questions, particularly aimed at taking a critical look at yourself to clarify why you want to continue. This is to dispel delusions and build solid reasoning. It can be confronting at times, but that is part of building a better stronger you.

Take your time to look around, share something about your own situation and join in with others who are asking for advice.

Remember this is no such thing as a stupid question here.

Waverider

[EaglesJuju]

Hi unraveled_knitter, 

Welcome aboard!

I am sorry that you have not had much support.    You have come to the right place for support, understanding, and knowledge.  You will find that there are many people here that are going through similar situations. It is very comforting to know that many people here are in a relationship with someone with BPD.

I understand how you could feel that you have a tendency to pretend problems do not exist, but posting here shows that you want to learn how to improve your relationship.    There are fantastic tools here to help you along the way. Take a look at the lessons on the right side of the page.

Looking forward to hearing your story.

[unraveled_knitter]

I do want to make it work, and I have my own issues to work on in the process. I already feel a bit of the weight off my shoulders, just with your two replies. Thanks guys

[despr8]

Hi , I too joined this group for some type of connection with someone who know exactly how I feel and what I'm going through... .my advice to you is don't set the bar too high because you could lose yourself in the midst of doing a good thing because this disorder is very selfish and I mean that with respect to it... .my wife has BPD along with the majority of her family so I deal with her and her family since we move here in NC last April so working with her was tough enough but now I'm dealing with her family too... .  This disorder is also manipulating and will sometimes make you think your the one that's crazy... .personally I realized I'm not going through this alone because there are so many people connected to others with BPD. But I've also learned that the one with the disorder will make their life as easy as possible while the you will be stuck doing all the work and taking on more stress that you should ... .I'm not being rude it's just the nature of this sickness... .my advice also is please try to take of yourself along the way because if you don't you can get to the place of not doing anything for yourself and become totally confused and frustrated with life... .if I can be of any more help feel free to let me know ... .I have been dealing with this disorder for about 10 year because my mother-in-law has had it for many years and we have had to bail her out of jail , visit her at mental wards and now she is bedridden and in diapers and we are her caregivers for the rest of her life... .I can tell you more because my story is a tough one as anyone elses who has a loved one with BPD... .good luck and welcome, despr8

[kai1988ss]

Nice to no I'm not the only one. My husband and I have been dealing with a similar situation. New to this as well... .Hopefully finding some clarity to what a true commitment really means. Best of luck to both of us! I'm around if you wanna vent and let loose. Lots of love

[Daisy23]

Hi Unraveled!

I love your screen name - I'm a knitter too, wish I'd thought of it

My husband also has BPD as do several of his family members. I am pretty sure my mother also dealt with it. Because I am such a good rescuer and have no needs of my own () it took me 30 years to figure out that he is dealing with a very challenging disorder. (Which was 1 month ago.) I came here and saw a book that is helping me get the inside scoop, the operating instructions if you will, to my husband's emotional world. The book is : Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Y. Manning PhD. Just reading 38 pages in I feel relieved because she is helping me feel less like a victim and more like I can find a way to deal with this. Nothing feels worse than feeling like a victim.

Have you ever seen Father of the Bride with Steve Martin? His daughter is about 22 years old but in one scene she (Kim Paisley) is talking to him and he sort of tunes out and sees her as a little girl, speaking in a little girl voice. I just taught myself to think of that scene when dealing with my husband. I see a grown up man, a senior citizen actually, but when it comes to relating to him about anything I need to see him as a toddler. And this is why I have been so exhausted! I have been and am married to a two year old and two year olds are exhausting! His childhood pain, trauma, and role models caused him to become frozen emotionally and if I want to work with him, as I am trying to do at this point, I must accept that and work with it. I don't have to like it but it is easier knowing that there are tricks of the trade to learn - I am thinking of buying a parenting guide for toddlers, can you believe it?

My husband is in therapy too - thank goodness. I hope your husband returns to therapy. Hang in there!

[ColdEthyl]

Hello and welcome! 

I know when I first found this site I cried in relief. I didn't know exactly what was going on with my dBPDh, and I realized not only am I unhealthy (I'm co-dependent), but I was communicating with my husband all wrong... . not understanding how he felt or why.

With the tools and support here, we are better off than we were a year ago. Progress is being made

Please always ask ANY questions like waverider said... . there's no stupid question!