Hello Everyone, Glad I'm here

[manitoumoon]

Hello everyone. First let me say how GLAD I am that I found this site. I was beginning to think that I was the only person with a BPD mother. I am 40 years old, yet most of the time, due to the relationship I have with my mom, I feel 12. Yet oddly because she makes me take care of the simplest of tasks for her, I feel like the mother actually. I feel like it's one big dichotomy.

I grew up thinking my mother was Bipolar or even manic depressive until a dear friend who just finished nursing school (who also grew up with me and knew my mom and her behavior) sent me a snapshot of her text book. I had NEVER heard of BPD before. But I think she's right. This is what my mom has. Problem is, she refuses to go to the doctor because she's paranoid of them and hates them. But I went right to Barnes and Noble and found a book called "Surviving A Borderline Parent" by Kimberlee Roth and I literally cried in the store when I hit the ":)oes This Sound Familiar?" section. My mother did tease me cruelly, mockingly about my feelings and characteristics. My mother did confide in me VERY inappropriate details of events between her and my Dad. (BTW my beloved father passed in 2004. I truly believe he just couldn't take it anymore. His health was horrible. Even though my Mom treated him HORRIBLY, to his credit he never left her. He just smoked a lot and ate bad, I think comfort eating). I WAS treated like a little adult, having to take care of responsibilities that only an adult would have to do. To this DAY I am NOT allowed to express my opinion, feelings or emotions. In fact, I was just mocked in a HORRIBLE argument 2 days ago for telling her that a particular action of hers caused me pain. I could go on and on really.

I have one sibling who is 3 years younger. Because she stood up for herself, she usually only rec'd physical abuse from my mom (even as an adult). But because my sister left at an early age and moved on to have her own family, she isolated herself away and that caused me left having to deal with my mom. As a result, I am 40, overweight and single. I have recently made the decision to TRY and live for myself. I joined Weight Watchers and have lost 10 pounds. I have stopped drinking (I drank heavily at night to numb myself). I'm trying to get out more with friends (my mom has a habit of sabotaging my relationships, romantic or platonic).

As of this moment, I'm not speaking to her. However, my sister did share with me 2 days ago when the fight occurred that mom has changed her will and is leaving her 80% of the money and physical assets.  I love my sister, however, I am not surprised at this. I do NOT expect my sister to tell my mom to please split it 50/50 because my sister has expressed in the past that all she wants is my mom's money and she can "just die". So I do believe that my sister is taking advantage of this situation. Which also hurts. I honestly, could care less about the money. Just more hurt that my sister would play both ends to the middle. But, that's for another board I'm sure. (note: my father knew this would happen and tried his best to draw up a will that was fair before his death, but it got changed by my mom). This just demonstrates that I do not have any family support system. I only have friends. Friends who are FLABBERGASTED at stories I tell them. Some have to told me to write them down (I like to write). I would, however, in the back of my mind I'm afraid she'd haunt me from the grave. Because that's the only time I could ever release my stories is when she's passed.

I hate to sound like I'm rambling but there's just so much I've been through and so much I'd like to get off my chest. I'm just glad I found a place where I'm not alone. Because to be honest, I cry many nights feeling very very alone. I see happy families at work, or loving mothers who have great relationships with their daughters and I'm jealous. I want that. But I guess it's not in the cards for me. All I can do work on myself. Enough of letting my mom physically and mentally affect me. I have to take a stand. That's why I'm here. Hopefully I can learn some coping mechanisms and techniques.

Thank you all for putting up with my initial rant.

   

[Turkish]

Hello manitoumoon,

I'm glad you are here, too, and you seem to be jumping in and participating just fine. I can relate to your desire to write. Even before I knew my mom had BPD, and before I went through the last 6-7 years with my uBPDx (u=undiagnosed), many people said that I should write a book about my childhood. I really don't know if I could even if my mom died. Many in her extended family don't know about her family of origin. 40-50 years ago, that stuff wasn't talked about. Even now, many people wouldn't believe things.

You've been educating yourself on BPD (I saw you use the lingo in one of your responses). We have a lot of material here which can add to your knowledge, most of it at the top of the board in the Lessons and Suggested Reading. Your description of the child-parent role-reversal between you and your mom sounds like Parentification, perhaps even emotional incest. Have you seen the article on this at the top of the board? it sounds like both may have been going on.

I found an old discussion on it: parentified vs. emotional incest

I'm sorry that you feel so lonely, but I think it's great that you are taking steps to reach out for support, and also to begin to take care of yourself (I've always struggled with these two things!).

Turkish

[manitoumoon]

Hello manitoumoon,

I'm glad you are here, too, and you seem to be jumping in and participating just fine. I can relate to your desire to write. Even before I knew my mom had BPD, and before I went through the last 6-7 years with my uBPDx (u=undiagnosed), many people said that I should write a book about my childhood. I really don't know if I could even if my mom died. Many in her extended family don't know about her family of origin. 40-50 years ago, that stuff wasn't talked about. Even now, many people wouldn't believe things.

You've been educating yourself on BPD (I saw you use the lingo in one of your responses). We have a lot of material here which can add to your knowledge, most of it at the top of the board in the Lessons and Suggested Reading. Your description of the child-parent role-reversal between you and your mom sounds like Parentification, perhaps even emotional incest. Have you seen the article on this at the top of the board? it sounds like both may have been going on.

I found an old discussion on it: parentified vs. emotional incest

I'm sorry that you feel so lonely, but I think it's great that you are taking steps to reach out for support, and also to begin to take care of yourself (I've always struggled with these two things!).

Turkish

Thank you Turkish! I will look up that article, thank you. I had no idea of that situation (Parentification). I have been reading everything I can get my hands on. I almost feel overwhelmed reading stuff because it hits SO close to home and I feel like so much of it applies to me. I appreciate your comment. I'm glad I'm not alone. Thank you!

[Turkish]

You may find the articles here helpful as well:

https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-parent

The FOG article is something almost all of us can relate to. It may be helpful in realizing how to set up boundaries with your family. We can help support you with that as well.

[Lavandula]

 

It does feel better to know you are not alone. Welcome from another new member whose on the path to healing.