Update to Questions on My BPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hurthusband,

there have been multiple deaths in the family. So plenty of grieving and with a number of people not knowing how to grief you will have a lot of drama. At the moment you are the dumping ground for them.

6.  My grandfather dies.  At funeral, my mother walks past my wife and kids without acknowledging them

You realize how self centered your wife is here? Your mother is deeply grieving and struggling to walk a straight line and your wife complains not being greeted... . Of course it is difficult to condemn your wife. She had a recent loss and is very much triggered by another death so not thinking straight either. Rather than grieving it is much easier for your wife to ask you to attack your mother and create a new source of drama.

At the moment there is so much drama within the family that you may need take active measures to look outside your family and get outside contacts and inspiration. Spending time with a T may be helpful to get outside perspective face to face. Reaching out to others and doing something non family related. You can not fix this black drama hole but you can starve it.

[an0ught]

Hurthusband,

there have been multiple deaths in the family. So plenty of grieving and with a number of people not knowing how to grief you will have a lot of drama. At the moment you are the dumping ground for them.

6.  My grandfather dies.  At funeral, my mother walks past my wife and kids without acknowledging them

You realize how self centered your wife is here? Your mother is deeply grieving and struggling to walk a straight line and your wife complains not being greeted... . Of course it is difficult to condemn your wife. She had a recent loss and is very much triggered by another death so not thinking straight either. Rather than grieving it is much easier for your wife to ask you to attack your mother and create a new source of drama.

At the moment there is so much drama within the family that you may need take active measures to look outside your family and get outside contacts and inspiration. Spending time with a T may be helpful to get outside perspective face to face. Reaching out to others and doing something non family related. You can not fix this black drama hole but you can starve it.

[hurthusband]

She called again repeatedly this morning.  I suppose I reinforced it by taking one.  She started how this is all my fault and I let her know that this is the same road everytime.  She is asking for comfort, but its not talking with me because she is blaming me for everything.  When I try and express how I feel, its me being selfish.  She went on a tirade.  I finally told her she is just like my mother and sister.  She then stated she was going to burn down the house and hang herself in the attic, hung up and wouldnt answer the phone.

She was not making any sense neither when she said it.  I panicked... . She would not answer phone.  I figure what do I do.  I tried texting and leaving a message I feel I have to call the police and her sister... .  No response... . So I called her sister who was in a meeting.

I started heading to house and repeatedly calling.  She finally answered.  She said she would never do that at her sister is now pissed and im ruining her life.  That she kicked me out if i cared I would have fought to get her back.

I let her go on for 20 minutes without saying a word how aweful she thought I was.  When she asked why i didnt say anything, and I tried to state I do not know what to say... . she cut me off.  I then said, I do not want this anymore.  I hung up and put her on call block.  She has called me in the past 20 minutes 32 times and texted 17 times leaving 3 messages.

I have not responded.  She tells me how I am a coward and ruined her relationships and  a man would answer the phone.  I want to answer, to prove I am not a coward, but I am scared to.  I do not know what good it will do.  I do not think it will satisfy her.  I do not want to be pushed until I do something hurtful... .

She is making all sorts of threats to me about kids, and my family, everyone... .

I do not want this.  I do not want to hurt anyone.  I do not want to live anymore through this.  I mean even trying to get away from it all.  It is just total sadness and I feel so horrible for her. 

[OnceConfused]

You need to put your foot down, firmly.

1. Your wife has no business in calling your x-step dad about your mom's drug in your mom's fridge. Whatever in there is your mom's business not your wife's business. Plus, the fridge is in your mom's house, so your wife needs NOT to be concerned about that.

why does your wife want to call the x husband of your mom to tell him about your mom's life now. is that an infrigement of your mom's privacy and also a show of disrespect?.

You have got to confront your wife and let her know that you do not accept such a behavior. You have got to think of what you do when she does this again and again. if she does that again, then you face yourself and admit that you can only stop all of these by leaving your wife.

You are letting your wife WALK ALL OVER YOU, and you say or do NOTHING. BUt yet based on what you have posted here, you are not happy with all of that. But you do NOTHING.

Is your suffering yours to make to your wife to give? At this time, your suffering is yours to make,not your wife to give.

YOU have got to take actions to stop all these non sense. Complaining to us without your actions will lead to NOWHERE, except back to here to post and complain. It is like my old friend who complained about his diabeties and hi blood pressure at close to 275 lbs on a 5.7 ft frame. , but yet he ate and ate, and no excercise. Finally he died 15 years ago from complications.

You have to take actions, my friend. talking is cheap. Actions speak louder than words.

NOthing is going to change, until you take actions.

[EaglesJuju]

Do not respond to her texts or phone calls.  You need to remove yourself from all of the chaos and drama. 

You rationally know that feeding into the chaos does not solve anything. You rationally know that your wife's emotions/feelings change dramatically. 

She knows how to push your buttons and you are letting her. You need to stop letting her push your buttons.

Please stop trying to bargain and compromise with someone who is incredibly unstable.

You cannot help her. Only professionals can help her.

[an0ught]

She called again repeatedly this morning.  I suppose I reinforced it by taking one.  She started how this is all my fault and I let her know that this is the same road everytime.  She is asking for comfort, but its not talking with me because she is blaming me for everything.  When I try and express how I feel, its me being selfish.  She went on a tirade.  I finally told her she is just like my mother and sister.  She then stated she was going to burn down the house and hang herself in the attic, hung up and wouldnt answer the phone.

Wow. Looks like a "normal" suicide threat won't do it anymore. Got to be multiple and spectacular ones. She really wanted you to feel true panic

She was not making any sense neither when she said it.  I panicked... . She would not answer phone.  I figure what do I do.  I tried texting and leaving a message I feel I have to call the police and her sister... .  No response... . So I called her sister who was in a meeting.

I started heading to house and repeatedly calling.  She finally answered.  She said she would never do that at her sister is now pissed and im ruining her life.  That she kicked me out if i cared I would have fought to get her back.

for reaching out and escalating in some form to her sister. 911 may also have been an option. Of course she did not like being exposed and confronted with the consequences of her behavior.

I let her go on for 20 minutes without saying a word how aweful she thought I was.  When she asked why i didnt say anything, and I tried to state I do not know what to say... . she cut me off.  I then said, I do not want this anymore.  I hung up and put her on call block.

You listened - too long imho - and when it came to her listening she was not able to hear how devastated you are. You hung up rather than being abused more  At that point in time this was your only option so don't feel guilty. Does not mean you are not speaking to her at other times. But at this point in time no conversation was possible so stopping prevented further hurt.

 She has called me in the past 20 minutes 32 times and texted 17 times leaving 3 messages.

I have not responded.  She tells me how I am a coward and ruined her relationships and  a man would answer the phone.  I want to answer, to prove I am not a coward, but I am scared to.  I do not know what good it will do.  I do not think it will satisfy her.  I do not want to be pushed until I do something hurtful... .

She is making all sorts of threats to me about kids, and my family, everyone... .

Classic extinction burst. Hang in there 

I do not want this.  I do not want to hurt anyone.  I do not want to live anymore through this.  I mean even trying to get away from it all.  It is just total sadness and I feel so horrible for her. 

Consider this a cooling off period like in sports. Nothing truly bad happened. Boundaries are healthy and allow both sides to recover right now. Protecting a boundary exacts always a price from us and is painful. The first ones are particularly hard. 

[hurthusband]

She still blowing up my phone.  She crying on phone messages saying she needs me to get her perscriptions filled and get groceries for the kids to eat and its the least i can do for her with all the pain I have caused.  I have no doubt she is in extreme pain as a result of some of the things I said.  I am not sure its warranted or not, but she is hurting.

I want to help... .  I feel horrible for doing nothing here... .

What do I do?

[an0ught]

Checking my understanding:

- You are still living together

- You are not intending to break up today

- You often pick up groceries

Correct?

[EaglesJuju]

She still blowing up my phone.  She crying on phone messages saying she needs me to get her perscriptions filled and get groceries for the kids to eat and its the least i can do for her with all the pain I have caused.  I have no doubt she is in extreme pain as a result of some of the things I said.  I am not sure its warranted or not, but she is hurting.

I want to help... .  I feel horrible for doing nothing here... .

What do I do?

How will running errands for her resolve her pain and hurting?  

Use your logic (which you are good at), is there food in the house? Does she need her medication refilled right at this instance? 

[hurthusband]

Checking my understanding:

- You are still living together

- You are not intending to break up today

- You often pick up groceries

Correct?

I been kicked out and living at my office

I am told we are divorcing every other day

I do have not been home but 2 days in past 2 weeks so have not done groceries.  I have no clue if there is food, but probably not.  I do not think she is really doing anything for kids right now.  No laundry nor food

I think she wants me to leave work right now and do all of this too

[an0ught]

The groceries and meds are attempts to control. As such they are part of the extinction burst. It is not good to give in to control attempts as they are not respectful. Boundaries help restoring respect.

Boundaries also trigger abandonment. On both sides   for you HH. Fear of abandonment at one point needs to be managed otherwise relationship can break.

She kicked you out 2 weeks ago in BPD terms this can be yesterday or can be ancient times. The groceries are also a way of her reaching out referring back to familiar relationship behavior.

I think she wants me to leave work right now and do all of this too

Right now is a really bad idea. Both sides may not be at 100 degree Celsius but certainly hot enough to brew tea.

What do you want?

  - trying to go home and returning to work if it does not work

  - seeing wife and kids for a short time and then returning to work

  - having more time to cool off than today

[hurthusband]

The groceries and meds are attempts to control. As such they are part of the extinction burst. It is not good to give in to control attempts as they are not respectful. Boundaries help restoring respect.

Boundaries also trigger abandonment. On both sides   for you HH. Fear of abandonment at one point needs to be managed otherwise relationship can break.

She kicked you out 2 weeks ago in BPD terms this can be yesterday or can be ancient times. The groceries are also a way of her reaching out referring back to familiar relationship behavior.

I think she wants me to leave work right now and do all of this too

Right now is a really bad idea. Both sides may not be at 100 degree Celsius but certainly hot enough to brew tea.

What do you want?

  - trying to go home and returning to work if it does not work

  - seeing wife and kids for a short time and then returning to work

  - having more time to cool off than today

Tried calling my therapist.  I am sure he is at lunch or with patient, but she kept on over and over.  I stated I will not talk to her until I talk with my therapist.  She then freaked that I would disparage her to my therapist which I responded that I just am trying to work on myself to get myself functioning.  She demanded off call block.  I took her off, made it clear it had nothing to do with her. She then threatened to sue my balls off (which I misheard as tear my balls off, but figured metaphorically anyways).  She just tore into me. This whole time she kicked me out she expected me to fight to get her back.

When she was making balls comment, i hung up.  I put her on block.  I then stated in text that after 50+ phone calls today and 40+ texts that anything else she sends me that is not about the welfare of the kids or divorce will be deemed harrassment as she has already made threats towards me and I am fearful which I am.  I am terrified of her.  I do not fear too much the physical harm she will do but the mental harm has my mind literally feeling detached from body and PTSD symptoms.

I am looking into about divorce now.  I let her sister know I will have no more contact with my wife, and I never wanted this, but us just talking escalates and harms not just us but the kids and her (sister).  I said if she needs anything I will help... .

I do not want this.  I do not know why I cannot see what my wifes problems are with me (i see her pain) or why she cannot see anything period in me but fault

It makes it cloudy because I realize everyone around me is crazy too.  People I live with and work with and family. 

Literally woke up 3 months ago and found that the world i knew was a complete dream.  We are all crazy or just me... .

[an0ught]

Hello hurthusband,

as long as your wife is so excessively angry more communication will just add fuel to the fire. That fire first has to burn itself out before any constructive thing can be done.

Whether you stay or leave - communication with your wife needs careful planning.

good idea to reach out to your T.

[hurthusband]

Wife started wanting to talk so we talked on the phone some.  It was calm and cool and kind.

We talked about an hour.  She started then talking about neighbor and how she does not like him in many ways and his agenda to convert her.  I just listened.  She talked about her pain.  I listened and tried to empathize.  She talked about how our neighbor bad mouthed my mom.  She brought that up several times.  I was not sure if it was an attempt to get a reaction, but I just listened.  She then went on how she cannot live without a family and with me there can be no family because she cannot be around my family as they are unhealthy for her.  I said I can understand that and she needs to do what is healthy for her.  I said I do love her and I want to be with her.  She then started to go off the road some... .she started to talk about how she does not know necessarily its right, but she felt a child between us could mend fences with my family, and it could give her purpose, and it could help us... .This made me very nervous.  Children should never be used, and they never do just mend fences.  Also, in this dynamic now, I dread the idea of arguing over a child too.  I came from a divorced home and she did not.  She is okay with raising kids on her own if it does not work, but that means I get to see the child less.  I kept silent still.

She then asked me what is my plan to get us back on track.  I had listened to an hour on how she felt, and how she felt everyone had wronged her but nothing on what she had done wrong, or in anyway wanting to know how I felt.  I stated that I think we need to focus more on us and what we can do to get along and less on everything around us.  After working on us together, then moving to other relationships... .

I almost did not know how it went from there, but she said that is not a plan or something, and people need to be cut out, my job needs to go with family, but if i do i will be resentful.  I started to freak out.  Cried, and said I cannot do all of this and I have feelings too that matter in all of this and how this all affects me.

she hung up and texted to not contact her again.  i said i am going to sleep because I feel rage at the moment and do not want to say something to hurt her.  she said i already lashed out and its ove and she will find people who love her and make her happy.  that struck nerve so i told her i spent everything i had in me trying to make her happy and now i have distrust for everyone as a result.  i tell her i hate being the villian and i never wanted to hurt her and i hope she finds happiness.  she blamed me further.  i explain i never would wanted this guilt or sadness aand wanted a family and that life is just horrible. i said i did not want to be told when and were i could see my children like i am with my step kids... .

she then stated that i do not have any children other than a dead one (reference to an abortion that was a big mistake and a regret. and then told me never to forget it.

i couldnt say a word or text back... .destroyed me... .

later she texts im ignoring and ill never escape the past and i am a coward.

i wait until morning and just respond that what she said was a unacceptable low blow and i do not know how i can be with somebody who would hit that low.  part of me wonders if this is punishment for that horribly choice... .she says i am sick and i state tehre is no love nor compassion. 

I have nightmares of us arguing constantly now... .she now saying she was thinking of letting me see her until i late last night... .and what is my response... .i do not know how to handle this... .

[hurthusband]

I keep hearing... .what am i going to do to win her back and make things right


What does that mean?  I got her $350 in tickets she asked for for a concert this week, but i she is going to say she bought those and that was her cause her idea.

I took off last weekend and she canceled on me so i cant get off for a few more weeks on a weekend... .she wants i suppose me off a week and take her to someplace really nice... .I just do not know why everything comes down to money... .

[EaglesJuju]

I keep hearing... .what am i going to do to win her back and make things right. What does that mean?

It means that she is pawning all of her responsibility in the relationship on to you.  You know that is not fair and you are not responsible for everything. It takes two people to make a relationship work.

I do not know how anything is going to get better until you stop thinking of her as a non-disordered person. Do mentally stable people have a somewhat calm conversation while speaking of having a child with you, then do a complete 180 and tell you that you have no other children, but a dead one? 

Essentially, you are allowing a very unstable person to have control and influence in all aspects of your life.  I understand that you love her and want to help her and if you want to make that happen you truly need to learn to radically accept the disorder.  Do you believe that she is severely disordered?

[hurthusband]

I believe she is ill, but maybe not much as ill as she is.  I am terrified of blaming my own faults and how she feels on her disorder and then continue.

At same time, if it is the disorder, I am not sure how anything can ever be resolved at this point.

The irrationality as it seems to me keeps up to a point where i snap because I can neither have an opinion nor defend myself, nor do anything but accept blame and its a no win situation... .i snap and freeze or break down crying, or yell, and that means basically i have lost at that point.  From there its i am the unstable one... .  if i cut her off its cause i am not trying or care which is a powerful weapon when you do.

I should point out this is literally the only relationship I have had in my life.  I do not know what *normal* is to even compare things to.  You might say if somebody is told from the time they are 1 that the sky is red, they will eventually think the color blue is red.  I know what I feel, but feelings can be iffy to trust.  I do not have experience though to fall back on

Perhaps if I was with others in the past or in the future i can look at this as severely messed up or perhaps i can see where she is right more clearly

[EaglesJuju]

I believe she is ill, but maybe not much as ill as she is.

I do not know what her diagnosis is, but from what you have been describing from her behavior, one thing is certain, she is severely disordered. 

I am terrified of blaming my own faults and how she feels on her disorder and then continue.

What do you mean about blaming your own faults? 

At same time, if it is the disorder, I am not sure how anything can ever be resolved at this point.

 

It is the disorder that makes her behave the way she does. Mentally healthy people do not act this way.

There are ways to resolve things by making changes. What types of things can you change to resolve certain things?

The irrationality as it seems to me keeps up to a point where i snap because I can neither have an opinion nor defend myself, nor do anything but accept blame and its a no win situation... .i snap and freeze or break down crying, or yell, and that means basically i have lost at that point.  From there its i am the unstable one... .  if i cut her off its cause i am not trying or care which is a powerful weapon when you do.

Obviously snapping, yelling, defending, accepting blame, crying, yelling, freezing, or cutting her off has not worked. It is time to try something different.

I should point out this is literally the only relationship I have had in my life.  I do not know what *normal* is to even compare things to.  You might say if somebody is told from the time they are 1 that the sky is red, they will eventually think the color blue is red.  I know what I feel, but feelings can be iffy to trust.  I do not have experience though to fall back on

I understand that you have no prior experience. This is not normal and the current state of the relationship is not healthy for all of those who are affected.

It is okay to rely on your feelings, but you have the logic to balance the feelings to rely on. It is similar to instinct.

Perhaps if I was with others in the past or in the future i can look at this as severely messed up or perhaps i can see where she is right more clearly.

This is why we are here to point you in the right direction. It is very hard to see things for what they are, when we are stuck in the FOG.

[hurthusband]

When she says I am not trying to get her back... .should I be doing things besides listening and communicating or does buying things and begging reinforce behavior?

[an0ught]

Hi hurthusband,

When she says I am not trying to get her back... .should I be doing things besides listening and communicating or does buying things and begging reinforce behavior?

here is the "trick": Validate her negative emotions.

If you would buy her stuff: You admit guilt. You hand back control to her. You confirm you are wrong.

Instead validate negative emotions:

- You are disappointed with me. (validating negative emotion>

- You want me chasing after you. That would help you feeling loved. I do love you - but dear woman I'm so exhausted right now. (this is more SET format)

- ... .see workshops on validation

She got to hear how she feels in order to reduce her negative feelings. It is not always pleasant to spell these negative emotions out. It is so tempting to say: "I love you, I'll buy you another ring to proof it" but that is invalidating and makes matters worse.

[hurthusband]

for awhile after stop walking on eggshells and the forum i was using SET.  it was working some, but then she caught on what I was doing and she found it as me trying to manipulate what she was feeling which pissed her off too

im exhausted and honestly am terrified to engage with her because i know the circle that will start of her hammering on me which then leads me finally losing it, but me not engaging with her makes her feel abandoned so i have no clue on this chicken and egg routine how to work it now.

She honestly is more psychotic at this point than rational

[EaglesJuju]

im exhausted and honestly am terrified to engage with her because i know the circle that will start of her hammering on me which then leads me finally losing it, but me not engaging with her makes her feel abandoned so i have no clue on this chicken and egg routine how to work it now.

What triggers you to make you "finally lose" it? 

The abandonment fears are always going to be there hurthusband. I have abandonment fears as well, and sometimes placating works and sometimes it does not. 

She honestly is more psychotic at this point than rational

If that is the case, then communication would be futile.  This is a good observation. 

[hurthusband]

What finally makes me lose it?

Well, sometimes its just how horrible it gets what she says.  Physical abuse is rare, but that will sometimes will do it.  Normally just saying the most horrible things I have ever heard from anyone.  I mean anyone.  Some things that are threats and dangerous lies.  The main one is a routine where we go over her pain and validating it, and showing compassion, but then it shifts to blaming me and how am I going to change or *make things right*.  That maybe buying more, or holding others accountable.  It is more of an attack.  In these situations, maybe she is right and I am not wanting to deal with them, but at same time its never about how I feel or that I matter.  Trying to express myself usually makes her madder so its frustrating to be in a spot where I have no say really, except to agree and do what she wants.  That is my perspective.

I want to ignore to be honest the crap that is outside our marriage.  My family, the crap that has gone on in the past.  I want to just work on us and getting along like nothing has happened  so it does not infect every good time we have currently.  That seems to happen, we will be having a good time then my family comes up or what we are going to do about having a child.  I think that something like having a child needs to come up, and I agree the clock is ticking on our age, but going from not even living in same home and not talking to that within 24 hours seems like too big a ramp up.  Issues with my family to me... .we do not do anything with them!  Problem solved.  I know she wants a family, but whether is be we build things back up or anything else only works to me if we get along.  That is how this all started.  The bonds between my family and her were frayed because they saw the abuse she levied against me in bruising and episodes at work, etc.  Then when my family did make a mistake in supporting her there was no foundation in relationship to help with the relationship

She does feel pain and hurt and fear of any relationship with them at this point.  Neither of us want a divorce, but she does not feel she can be around my family but she wants a family.  I do not want to just ditch my family completely.  I have no problem with her not wanting to be around them, and I will not go to holidays even, but to cut off complete contact seems unfair to me honestly.   That does not give her what she wants though neither.  She still has no family.

Its just... .is there a compromise even available?  I do believe a husband should be faithful and loyal to his wife before his parents or anyone besides kids, but I am not sure if its still the case if the demands of that wife are not even fair.  Maybe these are and I do not see that... .

She wants us to take a week off and travel someplace to "reconnect".  I like the idea of us traveling someplace to reconnect, but I am also terrified.  We have taken about 3 or 4 overnight/weekend stays in hotels in the city and in other cities, and they have all ended poorly and honestly terrifying for me with one out of town consisting of me being kicked and stomped on.  Part of me is like, how about getting along some here in town first before going someplace... .  but maybe going someplace away from all the crap here will enable that to happen.  I am not sure.  Also, I should give work a month notice or so that I am gone a week I feel.  We have gotten some money back so I have some cash in bank.  I really need to pay down cards and debt... .I also am leaving it in the bank so that my wife has her $12,997 that she inherited that she can pull out if she leaves so she cannot hold over my head that she used her inheritence on us.  I mean she has a couple of hundred grand still coming, but ... .I dont know... .  I ordered this art vase for her and going to get a flower arrangement for it for Mother's Day from kids.

I do not think she will say thats me doing anything cause its a holiday.  She is very hard to buy for.  She is particular on flowers... .everthing I get clothing wise is bad.  Jewelry has to be $500+ it seems which is hard to do even on special occasions.  She has no hobbies outside of music and drinking... .Did just spend $350 on concert tickets she wanted to buy, for her and sister, but I am sure she is going to say it was her idea and taking her sister... .  She usually gets what she wants when she wants... .got a new dishwasher last week... .so not sure what to get her.  She wants me doing something special for her.  I mean getting her some special drinks or something one day or picking up some grocery flowers is not going to cut it in her eyes... .

The one thing I have a hard time with is also remembering the bad times and the feelings of them.  I can remember the good times and the feelings of those... .I have the instinctual feelings of the bad times.  ie... .rapid heart beat, fear, adrenaline etc when she calls.  Its weird... .I miss her immensely and am terrified when I do see or talk to her.  Those feeling may sabotage us from the start

[hurthusband]

she keeps saying im not trying, but i am not even allowed at the house... .so what do you all do in a typical week for your loved SO?

[momtara]

HH, she makes impossible demands that are destined to cause failure. Let's say you hit the lottery and could afford big vacations, not working, and buying her jewelry that was $500+. Then she would just double the demands or find some new thing so that it looked like you were to blame. (For instance, she might try to stop you from talking to your own family. Oh wait, she already does that.) Also, she says she wants to have a child with you, but she would use that child for control and you'd be terrified leaving the child in her care considering she has threatened suicide etc. She threatens to take away the two kids you have now. I know it is tempting to have a kid with her to keep her in your life. If you fear for yourself and her two kids and they're not even yours, imagine a vulnerable baby. And imagine her using that child to threaten you - "If you don't take a week off work I will go away myself with the baby," etc.

I spent six years in my marriage tapdancing. He would make demands, I'd concede to get a little relief, and there would be new demands. No one can live like that.

Maybe some day you can write a list of what you'd want to happen for it to be a good marriage. For instance, she would support you like you support her. She would be happy with gifts you got her no matter what they were. Etc. etc. Those are the normal things people should expect. You deserve such things.

Meanwhile, I'd be careful having unprotected sex.

[hurthusband]

I am trying to be calm when I talk to her.  It just seems she wants no accountability and wants me to have immense accountability.  Her parents death is an excuse for everything but we are 4 months past it and the excuse is wearing thin for all of this.  

Been twice to doctor.  I want to meet her half way.  I believe my wife does have valid concerns, but I cannot take on all the blame.

 She kept demanding an apology from me with me not making any excuses for my behavior.  So I could not explain why I did things.  I finally apologized and took accountabilty for all I had said and did, but I also explained I could not go take all the blame on this.  My behavior I did was improper, and I am sorry for it, but my concern is that the demand for the complete apology and nothing back is an effort to basically absolve herself from any guilt and blame me.

she finally said file divorce.  I said ok to which she was upset I was so casual about it.  I explained I feel alot about it, but I feel sharing my feelings on it will just make her feel I am being self focused or erratic.  

She said, she owes me nothing and needs nothing from me.  I did bring up that she is living off me still.  She said it was her only choice and it is not fair to the kids.  I explained that if we did divorce and she could not provide a home I would be happy to take the kids.

I just feel manipulated here... . I explained that she is not doing anything to help herself.  She is not in therapy, she is not working... .this is not a matter of her just not trying and unable to support herself... .she is not trying.  If we are divorced, I cannot be responsible for her still

she went off on how the kids have been horrible and its cause they had been abandoned by everyone.  The whole first 30 min of conversation was how kids were terribly behaved.  The kids last night had told me that their mom was picking on them.  The youngest said he ignores her yelling cause it is not the real her which I cry about thinking how kind that is.  I explained to my wife that the kids do not feel necessarily abandoned by all, but they do feel isolated by her and partially abandoned by her.  I explained what they had told me.  

i was told i was just parroting my doctor and i had no original thoughts and i was not allowed to contact the kids ever again cause i talked to them about her.  They told me all that.  I had no prodding or asking questions

[EaglesJuju]

I am trying to be calm when I talk to her.  It just seems she wants no accountability and wants me to have immense accountability.  Her parents death is an excuse for everything but we are 4 months past it and the excuse is wearing thin for all of this. 

The lack of accountability is a part of the disorder.  Projecting it on to you is another part of it. 

Been twice to doctor.  I want to meet her half way.  I believe my wife does have valid concerns, but I cannot take on all the blame.

I am glad that you are realizing this.     

With her current state, it is going to be incredibly hard for her to meet you half way.  When a pwBPD is struggling, "half-way" or compromise does not exist. When a non-disordered person is struggling, they can still meet you half way. Right now, her needs and wants will not allow her to meet you half way.

Do you think she is capable of compromise at this time?

 

I just feel manipulated here... .  I explained that she is not doing anything to help herself.  She is not in therapy, she is not working... .this is not a matter of her just not trying and unable to support herself... .she is not trying.  If we are divorced, I cannot be responsible for her still

I understand that you could feel manipulated.  You really need to stop viewing her behavior as a non-disordered person.

You do not need to be responsible for her period.

Hurthusband, she cannot help herself. You cannot help her. Only professionals can.  If she is out of therapy and this unstable, nothing is going to get better. Have you spoken with professionals about her?

[momtara]

She really wants you to file, but won't file herself. I think she just uses that to manipulate you. Why should you be the one to do it? I do think it's good for you to push her for therapy etc., but you need someone helping you both with this situation too, whether you leave or stay. And the kids need help too. I still think cluing in a school counselor may help.

[Turkish]

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