... about contact

[DyingLove]

In regard to post breakup contact.

Does anyone feel that it might, at times, be like a competition.  What I mean is, who is going to contact the other first?  I'm nearly 40 days N/C. She has NOT contacted me or attempted to contact me since the day I moved out. So she hasn't seen me for the same amount of time that I am N/C.  I admit, I'm getting real itchy about contact... .today I even snooped about her FB account. She's had me blocked since the B/U, but I went in today under another acct (nothing underhanded), to see if I could see or find out anything.  There was nothing to find... .basically her public stuff is generic.  The only thing I saw that pissed me off was a pic of her brother (instrumental in our B/U).

Maybe I'm just at a sensitive time, but I'm really craving something.  I wanna remain faithful to my N/C and I also TRULY want to stop obsessing, I'm driving my son crazy and I'm just cycling through email, fb, and bpdfamily all day to keep connected and not feel so alone.  Am I defeating the purpose?

Anyway, I'm "kind of" looking forward to her contacting me... .but is it truly what I want?  

[Maternus]

Anyway, I'm "kind of" looking forward to her contacting me... .but is it truly what I want? 

I'm not sure. Maybe it's not what you want, but what you think you need. This was the way I felt after 1 or 2 months after I got NC. "Please contact me and give me some more clues. Give me closure or more hateful irrational rants that help me to detach."

[DyingLove]

Anyway, I'm "kind of" looking forward to her contacting me... .but is it truly what I want? 

I'm not sure. Maybe it's not what you want, but what you think you need. This was the way I felt after 1 or 2 months after I got NC. "Please contact me and give me some more clues. Give me closure or more hateful irrational rants that help me to detach."

Honestly, I want her life to be miserable. I guess that is the human reaction... .but when I think that way, I usually turn around and pray for her.  I try to do anything I can to pluck her out of my mind.  I've been watching tv series on netflix every night to give me something to "get stuck in".  Fringe, Heroes, Surface, Salem, etx.  I'll even watch episodes over and again just to keep my attention away from my own polluted mind.

[Mutt]

Hy DyingLove,

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with NC. It's tough.

How often do you check her social media and email?

[valet]

In my situation, it was me that initiated NC and she has basically complied so far. We also spoke, sort of at length, about maintaining a close friendship in the future. I think this will be possible once I am done working on myself and have completely detached.

These things, I knew, were stones that I didn't want to leave unturned before it was too late. I don't see it as a competition, and I don't feel resentful or angry at her about the situation, at least 99% percent of the time. I am about 3 months out, and still have small moments of anxiety, but the depression and feelings of emptiness have almost entirely subsided. When they appear they are very mild.

All of that said, you do have to move at your own pace. I'm not qualified to say this at all, as I have not yet had to deal with this situation yet, but I think that in a weird way you will know when it is safe for YOU. How she reacts is a mixed bag, though, and if you're all good it shouldn't matter too much to you.

Best of luck!

[DyingLove]

Hy DyingLove,

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with NC. It's tough.

How often do you check her social media and email?

Mutt, I've only checked her fb wall today.  Email I don't/can't check... .but I check my own email HOPING that there may be something there addressed to me from her.  Gosh I hate myself for that... .it's like I am in the transparent MIME box and I can't get out.  I didn't see anything on fb, but I saw her friend list and I saw her brothers pic there... .he is a real sick guy... .and someone mentioned a sibling codependency once about her and him and their relationship as sister and brother.  It is tough... .but I plan on beating this mess... .this is NOT going to kill me like the R/S almost did.  Thank you Mutt.

[DyingLove]

In my situation, it was me that initiated NC and she has basically complied so far. We also spoke, sort of at length, about maintaining a close friendship in the future. I think this will be possible once I am done working on myself and have completely detached.

These things, I knew, were stones that I didn't want to leave unturned before it was too late. I don't see it as a competition, and I don't feel resentful or angry at her about the situation, at least 99% percent of the time. I am about 3 months out, and still have small moments of anxiety, but the depression and feelings of emptiness have almost entirely subsided. When they appear they are very mild.

All of that said, you do have to move at your own pace. I'm not qualified to say this at all, as I have not yet had to deal with this situation yet, but I think that in a weird way you will know when it is safe for YOU. How she reacts is a mixed bag, though, and if you're all good it shouldn't matter too much to you.

Best of luck!

Moving at my own speed is a good point.  I know I started going and expecting things too damn fast/quick.  Especially healing physically... .it takes time.  I'm charming just over a month... .I hope in two more months I am as confident to say that everything is subsiding and becoming less and less.  I have given her too much control by my over reacting to all this.  I want to know that she suffers too, but I don't want to hold on to it too long... .It's kinda like having the last laugh, although no one is laughing here.  I just wanna let go.   I don't really have an outlet for my feelings and grief... .I have one good friend on FB that is also a member here and I have everyone here and my son.  I'm driving him up a wall at time... .but he's been as good for me as he could be.  I'm moving on... .but slow.

[Sunfl0wer]

I think I get where you are at.   

First off... .even if I don't get it, --- this sucks!

I feel like I KNOW this is a competition.  I started off thinking this was a "normal" break up, but now he is demonstrating the same dynamic as when we were together!

We were living together "broken up" for 7 months, but it had the same push/pull r/s competitive dynamics!

He is always looking for a way to "one up" me!

When we were together, we would disagree, instead of conflict resolution, he would pull back.

We were in MC together.  So T would say that I should consider his actions as an apology he can't speak, and allow him an easy way back to enter the r/s while saving his pride. (So he never had to look at his own behavior, always got a free pass)

So I felt that making it easy for him to reconnect was me being the bigger person as he is too immature to rise above it. ( I thought this was my role for doing my part to help r/s)

He, saw this as justified, that I SHOULD be the one to reach out, as I was the one wrong, therefore he would make his way back to me, but each time, resenting ME more and disliking ME more for MY bad behavior!  He even saw my forgiving actions as "proof" of me being "bad."

This cycle made him paint me black quicker each time and was how things continued to spiral down fast.

I feel like even though he has been gone, in his head somewhere, he is still competing!  He is offering to do things for me... .small things... .but it is the same.

He won't offer to do anything big... .as that would look like proof he cares. (And caring for me first... .means he looses the competition)

He offers small things... .to prove he is "the good guy."

I don't even think it is a manipulation of any kind.

I think he has a role and a script that he replays subconsciously.

Script/role: He is the hero.  He is not overly emotional by me, he is strong and capable without anyone.  He doesn't need me.  He is better than me,

I think all of his behavior can be summed up by him trying to prove to himself that he is fulfilling this script.

[Mutt]

Hy DyingLove,

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with NC. It's tough.

How often do you check her social media and email?

Mutt, I've only checked her fb wall today.  Email I don't/can't check... .but I check my own email HOPING that there may be something there addressed to me from her.  Gosh I hate myself for that... .it's like I am in the transparent MIME box and I can't get out. 

Don't be hard on yourself DyingLove.

You will get out of the transparent MIME box.

I recall checking my phone obsessively in NC waiting for an email to come in from my ex.

It gets better.


Hang in there.


----Mutt

[DyingLove]

I think I get where you are at.   

First off... .even if I don't get it, --- this sucks!

I feel like I KNOW this is a competition.  I started off thinking this was a "normal" break up, but now he is demonstrating the same dynamic as when we were together!

We were living together "broken up" for 7 months, but it had the same push/pull r/s competitive dynamics!

He is always looking for a way to "one up" me!

When we were together, we would disagree, instead of conflict resolution, he would pull back.

We were in MC together.  So T would say that I should consider his actions as an apology he can't speak, and allow him an easy way back to enter the r/s while saving his pride. (So he never had to look at his own behavior, always got a free pass)

So I felt that making it easy for him to reconnect was me being the bigger person as he is too immature to rise above it. ( I thought this was my role for doing my part to help r/s)

He, saw this as justified, that I SHOULD be the one to reach out, as I was the one wrong, therefore he would make his way back to me, but each time, resenting ME more and disliking ME more for MY bad behavior!  He even saw my forgiving actions as "proof" of me being "bad."

This cycle made him paint me black quicker each time and was how things continued to spiral down fast.

I feel like even though he has been gone, in his head somewhere, he is still competing!  He is offering to do things for me... .small things... .but it is the same.

He won't offer to do anything big... .as that would look like proof he cares. (And caring for me first... .means he looses the competition)

He offers small things... .to prove he is "the good guy."

I don't even think it is a manipulation of any kind.

I think he has a role and a script that he replays subconsciously.

Script/role: He is the hero.  He is not overly emotional by me, he is strong and capable without anyone.  He doesn't need me.  He is better than me,

I think all of his behavior can be summed up by him trying to prove to himself that he is fulfilling this script.

Wow Sunflower, I see this hit a nerve with you too!

But I wonder... .if while I sit here pondering this whole ordeal... .does she really NOT GIVE TWO SH*** ABOUT ANYTHING- GENUINELY!  Who would the joke be on in that situation?

[dagwoodbowser]

DyingLove, I hit 40 days on Monday. Day 39, Sunday I kept wanting to crack, I really did, several times I typed out a text, even though I have her blocked. For all I know I might be too. Monday came and I was relieved. Yesterday, even though I had a huge victory under my belt I was sad and in funk all day that she hasnt reached out, but again, she's blocked and her know email address' get deleted. So, darned if she does or doesnt. I think it's fact that your about to reach an important marker. Hang in there Brother... .before we know it we will both be at 60.

[DyingLove]

DyingLove, I hit 40 days on Monday. Day 39, Sunday I kept wanting to crack, I really did, several times I typed out a text, even though I have her blocked. For all I know I might be too. Monday came and I was relieved. Yesterday, even though I had a huge victory under my belt I was sad and in funk all day that she hasnt reached out, but again, she's blocked and her know email address' get deleted. So, darned if she does or doesnt. I think it's fact that your about to reach an important marker. Hang in there Brother... .before we know it we will both be at 60.

Congrats to you dagwoodbowser, and YAY for both of us. In fact YAY for everyone that is fighting the N/C thingie.  I'm afraid at this point to remove everytrace of her... .its like "what if"... .but like I mentioned in another post today,  What if I was working and she walked in the door (her coming from Florida to me in NY) and she said:  I wan't you, I'm sorry, I love you etx.   What would I do.  I know I do love her... .but I know that I want Heaven and not Hell.  Frightening right?  60 days!  Yes!  That would be great.  I'm currently working on how to be me and get financially straight.  I am so afraid... .and I just don't tell anyone that.  I've been a successful business man since '95, and I've just lost so much confidence in my life, that it's hard to recall my abilities to function properly.  PLUS I think the last 4 years, mainly in Florida, baked my brain and cooked my memory.  Alright, it's the stress.

[Sunfl0wer]

I think I get where you are at.   

First off... .even if I don't get it, --- this sucks!

I feel like I KNOW this is a competition.  I started off thinking this was a "normal" break up, but now he is demonstrating the same dynamic as when we were together!

We were living together "broken up" for 7 months, but it had the same push/pull r/s competitive dynamics!

He is always looking for a way to "one up" me!

When we were together, we would disagree, instead of conflict resolution, he would pull back.

We were in MC together.  So T would say that I should consider his actions as an apology he can't speak, and allow him an easy way back to enter the r/s while saving his pride. (So he never had to look at his own behavior, always got a free pass)

So I felt that making it easy for him to reconnect was me being the bigger person as he is too immature to rise above it. ( I thought this was my role for doing my part to help r/s)

He, saw this as justified, that I SHOULD be the one to reach out, as I was the one wrong, therefore he would make his way back to me, but each time, resenting ME more and disliking ME more for MY bad behavior!  He even saw my forgiving actions as "proof" of me being "bad."

This cycle made him paint me black quicker each time and was how things continued to spiral down fast.

I feel like even though he has been gone, in his head somewhere, he is still competing!  He is offering to do things for me... .small things... .but it is the same.

He won't offer to do anything big... .as that would look like proof he cares. (And caring for me first... .means he looses the competition)

He offers small things... .to prove he is "the good guy."

I don't even think it is a manipulation of any kind.

I think he has a role and a script that he replays subconsciously.

Script/role: He is the hero.  He is not overly emotional by me, he is strong and capable without anyone.  He doesn't need me.  He is better than me,

I think all of his behavior can be summed up by him trying to prove to himself that he is fulfilling this script.

Wow Sunflower, I see this hit a nerve with you too!

But I wonder... .if while I sit here pondering this whole ordeal... .does she really NOT GIVE TWO SH*** ABOUT ANYTHING- GENUINELY!  Who would the joke be on in that situation?

Lol! Yea!  My current status is:  pissed!

But idk, because I cannot be pissed at anyone but me!  Everything else is perception right?

I have a suspicion, that doesn't even matter.  I honestly partly suspect that he broke up with me in an effort to KEEP me!  Now how twisted is that?

I remember him explaining that he HAD to leave, if he ever had a chance of me respecting him.

Now he is making small "apologetic gestures."  He is opening a door... .well, trying to.

I KNOW what he wants.  He wants me to grovel, apologize, validate his delusional reality, and earn my way back.  I know it may sound nuts!  But I am now remembering him slipping and accidentally saying things consistent with this.  Once in a fight, AFTER we broke up, he yelled at me not to do xyz if I ever wanted a chance to earn him back!  Wth!  There are little slips like that that I originally dismissed along with other odd things he said, just thinking to myself he was being nuts.  Now I see that he had some secret plans that actually slipped out on occasion.

I feel like I am in bizarre-o land again.

But then isn't that my own doing by analyzing again?

Isn't analyzing just for those on the staying board trying to reconnect?

I don't want a partnership with him.  I am decisive about that.  I just want resolution within myself about me. 

I know I am missing some pieces of the puzzle.  That is why I post.


I am sorry for your struggles!

[Sunfl0wer]

What if I was working and she walked in the door (her coming from Florida to me in NY) and she said:  I wan't you, I'm sorry, I love you etx.   What would I do.  I know I do love her... .but I know that I want Heaven and not Hell.  Frightening right?

I'm with you on this one.  I am not a strict NC person.  Partly b/c we lived together b/u, so, uh, that wouldn't work.  Then I feel like what am I hiding from with NC? I still want to face my feelings and deal with what is before me.  I think facing the pain is part of my healing that I don't want to shield myself from or postpone.  NC may be easier for me to get distance, but for me, I am ok deciding to experience some things.  For me it is a personal decision and I will try, get burned, or not, grieve, or not, but it is something I need to experience, as long as I am being honest with myself, that is what is most important.

[DyingLove]

Sunflower, at one time, while we were sitting and I tried to communicate with her, she said that "we need some time apart"... .okay so I'm thinking, how could we do this... .and I'm talking and pouring my heart out to her... .and she comes out and says, you're not getting it... .well she meant me were thru.  She got me riled up, because time apart is definitely not BROKE UP.  She further said at one point, that I didn't take too seriously that she feels like a little girl because she could see us maybe getting together again in the future.  Well I made it clear to her that I didn't wanna be "just friends" and I was upset after I sat and talked to her and she kinda devalued everything I had just said to her.  Aside from wanting to hold her, kiss her, smell her skin, run my fingers thru her hair, and a few other things... .I really (at this point) don't see any happiness in a life with her if it were to happen again... .BUT... .if she went and made an effort to seek help, to understand her feelings and what she did to me, and semi vowed to stay in our committed relationship:  There would be nothing stopping me from having her back in my life.  Of course she'd have to shove an ingot up her scu*bag brothers ass and vow to never let him interfere in our business again, and tell her mother to butt the hell out as well as her sisters.  See... .these are the reasons I know she'd never ante up as an adult and stand up for me, us, and her.  So as many reasons as I gave for having our ship float again... .it only takes one friggin torpedo to sink us.  Does this make sense?  I guess it boils down to unrealistic goals.  First off if she came here to NY, I'd collapse for certain.  I'd never be able to control my tears... .so I'd be reduced to such a weak specimin.

[shatterd]

ya n/c huh ___ty deal there im only on day 8  court monday tho we will see   not sure if its good or bad   considering the abuse mostly emotional some physical    still lack of it seems hard to deel with  i cant be much help yet  but for sure need to be here  this helps reading and shareing   i thought i was i so alone on this   devil targeted me with this

[DyingLove]

I have to add a couple of things.  After my first (and only) marriage, I vowed never to get married again... .EVER.  Relationship after my marriage was 17 years to B. She was my gal, lover, business partner.  No marriage, no kids.

Now... .the ex A, knew that I would never get married.  Well along the route I changed my mind.  I fell so deep in love with her that I did, despite issues, want to marry her. She knew this and I often mentioned it.  She said, yea yea one day we will get married but not now.   Even the 9yo would needle her that we should get married (for what it's worth by a 9yo).  One day after talking about the marriage thingie... .she said to me:  So you wanna marry me?  I said yes I do!  Do you wanna marry me?  She said no.  Well my jaw hit the ground and every ounce of pride and dignity I had at that moment turned into bile.  Can you imagine my freakin' pain!  This is the woman that I would have done ANYTHING for... .if she needed a heart transplant I would have given her mine... .I wanted her to have my upcoming SS in the years to come too so that her financial burden, should anything have happened to me would have been easier.

This is the woman that said, if anything happened to me, she would wear some of my ashes in an amulete around her neck!

Well,  unless she comes to NY and proclaims her love for me... .like in my last post... .she's not getting my heart nor my ashes!  damn it hurts.

[Sunfl0wer]

Sunflower, at one time, while we were sitting and I tried to communicate with her, she said that "we need some time apart"... .okay so I'm thinking, how could we do this... .and I'm talking and pouring my heart out to her... .and she comes out and says, you're not getting it... .well she meant me were thru.  She got me riled up, because time apart is definitely not BROKE UP.  She further said at one point, that I didn't take too seriously that she feels like a little girl because she could see us maybe getting together again in the future.  Well I made it clear to her that I didn't wanna be "just friends" and I was upset after I sat and talked to her and she kinda devalued everything I had just said to her.  Aside from wanting to hold her, kiss her, smell her skin, run my fingers thru her hair, and a few other things... .I really (at this point) don't see any happiness in a life with her if it were to happen again... .BUT... .if she went and made an effort to seek help, to understand her feelings and what she did to me, and semi vowed to stay in our committed relationship:  There would be nothing stopping me from having her back in my life.  Of course she'd have to shove an ingot up her scu*bag brothers ass and vow to never let him interfere in our business again, and tell her mother to butt the hell out as well as her sisters.  See... .these are the reasons I know she'd never ante up as an adult and stand up for me, us, and her.  So as many reasons as I gave for having our ship float again... .it only takes one friggin torpedo to sink us.  Does this make sense?  I guess it boils down to unrealistic goals.  First off if she came here to NY, I'd collapse for certain.  I'd never be able to control my tears... .so I'd be reduced to such a weak specimin.

Yes, one torpedo.  We had two... .maybe three. *sigh*

I too had a vision... .

If only he would... .  And... .  And just... .

We would be fantastic!  Right?

I didn't want perfect.  I am a reasonable person.

But it is not about two pple that are incompatible.  Quite the opposite.  Everyone, even MC pointed out how very compatible we are together.

So we are very compatible pple, ... .that deeply love and wanted one another... . BUT... .?

Our flaws, triggered the flaws of the other.

Maybe it is like two awesome powerful chemicals that are amazing on their own, but combustible together?  And building a divide to keep us safe was a big enough wall to keep us separate?

I'd give anything for him to "see the light!"  See what my contributions are, see my value to us and strengths that he is too afraid of for his own ego.

But then, that is not him I suppose.  It is like me wishing for the blind to have sight.

But ya know what, he never DID have that type of vision and acceptable level of appreciation, to enjoy a partner with similar appreciation as self, as the ego issue always took precedent.  So maybe that is where I need to wonder what I am expecting and hoping and wanting.  I know that this is not about him.  This is about me.  I am only as disappointed or hurt as I have desired something.  So how do I find inner satisfaction?

[valet]

This is crazy, but I actually really want to thank DyingLove for making this thread.

After reading my own post, I unblocked my ex on stuff and did a little snooping, and it really didn't bother me in the ways that I had experienced before. It most more like... . a curiosity? I won't friend her, but I contemplated reaching out to her in an email trying to re-stablish a form of baseline contact, since we will be in such close proximity next year. I'm gonna sleep on it for a few days.

Keep in mind, I do value her as a person, and I do not want her back. Shortly after she broke up with me I found this site and connected the behavioral dots, and I know that it would never work, despite our compatibility level (which is very, very high; kind of a shame, really). I have never had any intention of not being friends with her, but I find myself in a weird spot right now at how to handle the situation in the future.

DyingLove, you are right that her goals and words were much too ambitious. This made things easier for me in the long run (even at only 3 months out). When someone says stuff like that, it kind of weirds me out. It weirded me out with my ex, but she was so good at sucking me in and making me feel special that I believed all of it. I had very poor boundaries and expectations for myself.

When we're in these situations, it's amazing how little we are able to think for ourselves in a self-righteous way. Keep her words in mind. Hopefully, they will be kind of funny to you one day. Just don't forget that your goals and words were probably too ambitious, and that you need to set stricter boundaries for yourself in the future if you choose to pursue new romantic relationships.