Realizing the severity of my MIL's BP. Trying to deal. Please help.

[Depression = 72% of members]

My MIL has uBPD but has been diagnosed by a professional who is close to her.  Yes, she had a miserable childhood. She stopped maturing at about age 16.  All the classic symptoms that I have read about.  She is constantly sick or the victim.  If you don't acknowledge that in her, she will actually hurt herself more. i.e. accidentally burning herself on the stove, etc.  My husband and his father have learned how to tune it out.  They hardly listen to her, but they do what she says.  She can't keep a schedule.  She speaks about how much she misses and loves her grandchild and when we make the trip to see her, she doesn't even touch, cuddle or kiss her.  Until we are at a party where many people will see, then she is all over her and it annoys me to no end. 

She is not a outwardly mean BPD, she is over the top nice.  She will make a dinner, and then constantly ask if everything is ok.  Staring at every bit I put in my mouth. If I pause, she offers to pass me something. She comments forever if there is something that I don't like.  Years later, I am hearing about how I don't like her coffee because it is too weak. She asks about each individual thing over and over and if you don't comment she pouts.  There is an evil part of me that sometimes stops thanking her and telling her how great everything is because I just get so tired of it.  I actually find myself eating alone in our room so I don't have to eat much with her.  I consider doing some kind of extreme raw vegan diet so I can't eat anything that she offers.  Partly because I can't stand dealing with any type of food situation around her and partly to upset her.  I realize this is bad.

She invites herself to our house any chance she gets.  My husband and I have been learning together and always have work on hand as an excuse as to why she can't come out.  To have her here is completely overwhelming.  Says she just wants to be with us, but then makes rude comments about how she doesn't even feel like she is on vacation because we don't take her to do enough.  She has no problem putting us out, letting us sleep on the floor 3 months post c section while she took our bed.  But says over and over, I feel so bad, I feel so bad.  But she doesn't and there is not way we could ever put her on the couch because she would just complain about it.  Even though, in order for her to get out here, she will say that it is no problem.  IT TAKES ALL MY SELF CONTROL IN THE WORLD not to call her out on her contradictions and hypocracies.  I sit silently while she non stop rattles off her monologue about how much she loves us and wishes she could see us all the time and that she is easy to deal with.  Then watch as she calls everyone she knows on the phone to tell them that she is here visiting and try to turn something little into something big.  If my child has a cold, we have a sickly child.  She basically forced us to go to the emergency room last time we saw her. It was for a cold. We knew she was fine and the doctor was like, what are you doing here.  But then she got to call everyone and tell her how we had to go to the hospital for our sickly child. 

She talks often about how my husband was sickly as a child and I seriously wonder if it was munchausen by proxy syndrome.  When he and I first met, he used to get sick often when something would happen with his mom.  Now it doesn't happen anymore.  Thank god. 

She often will call and if he doesn't answer, just leave a message, like... .We're taking your dad to the emergency room, I don't know what is going to happen.  And hang up and then not answer her phone.  She would usually time it when we were boarding a plane to go somewhere, work or vacation.  I caught on quick to her scheme and we both recognized that every time this has been only for her to get attention and nothing bad has ever happened. 

She makes grandiose statements about how wonderful she is, the volunteer work she considers doing, how wonderful of a cook she is.  She never stops talking and all I can do to deal with it is be quiet.  I play the game for a while, but it is just overwhelming. 

I do feel bad for my husband and know my reaction makes it all worse on him.  Which is why I try to be nice.  But he knew from a young age that she had issues and tried to keep a distance from her. Which was smart or he would be broke.  She has borrowed money from him numerous times and tried to even more than that.  He has manipulated him his whole life by immediately breaking down in tears when something doesn't go her way.  And if things don't work out the way she plans for them to, she starts to get very pouty. Like a child.  It is very much walking on eggshells.

I don't want her to visit us ever.  I never want that energy in the house.  But I know it has to happen and will try to limit the visits to 2 or 3 nights.  2 nights would be best.  She continues to invite herself out for events.  It always has to be some kind of event so she can dominate the whole day.  I don't want her to come out for any event ever. 

I know this is rambling and I do appreciate you taking the time to read this.  I've read through these forums and don't know if there is any great advice anyone can give me but I am desperate.  I've gone to therapy and talked it out, but the anxiety I get when she constantly talks about visiting... .it's like she is already here.  HELP! and thank you.

I also have an aunt that has BPD, but a severe, angry mean type... . I'll save that for another post.   

[sammy1212]

My MIL has uBPD but has been diagnosed by a professional who is close to her.  Yes, she had a miserable childhood. She stopped maturing at about age 16.  All the classic symptoms that I have read about.  She is constantly sick or the victim.  If you don't acknowledge that in her, she will actually hurt herself more. i.e. accidentally burning herself on the stove, etc.  My husband and his father have learned how to tune it out.  They hardly listen to her, but they do what she says.  She can't keep a schedule.  She speaks about how much she misses and loves her grandchild and when we make the trip to see her, she doesn't even touch, cuddle or kiss her.  Until we are at a party where many people will see, then she is all over her and it annoys me to no end. 

She is not a outwardly mean BPD, she is over the top nice.  She will make a dinner, and then constantly ask if everything is ok.  Staring at every bit I put in my mouth. If I pause, she offers to pass me something. She comments forever if there is something that I don't like.  Years later, I am hearing about how I don't like her coffee because it is too weak. She asks about each individual thing over and over and if you don't comment she pouts.  There is an evil part of me that sometimes stops thanking her and telling her how great everything is because I just get so tired of it.  I actually find myself eating alone in our room so I don't have to eat much with her.  I consider doing some kind of extreme raw vegan diet so I can't eat anything that she offers.  Partly because I can't stand dealing with any type of food situation around her and partly to upset her.  I realize this is bad.

She invites herself to our house any chance she gets.  My husband and I have been learning together and always have work on hand as an excuse as to why she can't come out.  To have her here is completely overwhelming.  Says she just wants to be with us, but then makes rude comments about how she doesn't even feel like she is on vacation because we don't take her to do enough.  She has no problem putting us out, letting us sleep on the floor 3 months post c section while she took our bed.  But says over and over, I feel so bad, I feel so bad.  But she doesn't and there is not way we could ever put her on the couch because she would just complain about it.  Even though, in order for her to get out here, she will say that it is no problem.  IT TAKES ALL MY SELF CONTROL IN THE WORLD not to call her out on her contradictions and hypocracies.  I sit silently while she non stop rattles off her monologue about how much she loves us and wishes she could see us all the time and that she is easy to deal with.  Then watch as she calls everyone she knows on the phone to tell them that she is here visiting and try to turn something little into something big.  If my child has a cold, we have a sickly child.  She basically forced us to go to the emergency room last time we saw her. It was for a cold. We knew she was fine and the doctor was like, what are you doing here.  But then she got to call everyone and tell her how we had to go to the hospital for our sickly child. 

She talks often about how my husband was sickly as a child and I seriously wonder if it was munchausen by proxy syndrome.  When he and I first met, he used to get sick often when something would happen with his mom.  Now it doesn't happen anymore.  Thank god. 

She often will call and if he doesn't answer, just leave a message, like... .We're taking your dad to the emergency room, I don't know what is going to happen.  And hang up and then not answer her phone.  She would usually time it when we were boarding a plane to go somewhere, work or vacation.  I caught on quick to her scheme and we both recognized that every time this has been only for her to get attention and nothing bad has ever happened. 

She makes grandiose statements about how wonderful she is, the volunteer work she considers doing, how wonderful of a cook she is.  She never stops talking and all I can do to deal with it is be quiet.  I play the game for a while, but it is just overwhelming. 

I do feel bad for my husband and know my reaction makes it all worse on him.  Which is why I try to be nice.  But he knew from a young age that she had issues and tried to keep a distance from her. Which was smart or he would be broke.  She has borrowed money from him numerous times and tried to even more than that.  He has manipulated him his whole life by immediately breaking down in tears when something doesn't go her way.  And if things don't work out the way she plans for them to, she starts to get very pouty. Like a child.  It is very much walking on eggshells.

I don't want her to visit us ever.  I never want that energy in the house.  But I know it has to happen and will try to limit the visits to 2 or 3 nights.  2 nights would be best.  She continues to invite herself out for events.  It always has to be some kind of event so she can dominate the whole day.  I don't want her to come out for any event ever. 

I know this is rambling and I do appreciate you taking the time to read this.  I've read through these forums and don't know if there is any great advice anyone can give me but I am desperate.  I've gone to therapy and talked it out, but the anxiety I get when she constantly talks about visiting... .it's like she is already here.  HELP! and thank you.

I also have an aunt that has BPD, but a severe, angry mean type... . I'll save that for another post.   

[Turkish]

it sounds like you and the rest of your family are just orbiting around her needs and desires, sammy1212. Though it's good that your husband has made progress, his mother is still directing the show, so to speak. This sounds like it's about boundaries (see here for a discussion). Sure, you're walking on eggshells and trying to not upset her, but this is at the expense of you and your family. You're not responsible for her feelings. Your husband and child are your primary family (this goes for your H, too), not her.

Though it's too late to revisit the post C-section sleeping on the floor incident, does she have to sleep in a bed? Fine. She can sleep on one in a hotel. You don't have any extra.

Do you have to drive to go see her, or can you meet somewhere in the middle in public?

This may be closer to what you want, but communicating it is probably the issue. We can help with that. If the communication tools work or help reduce conflict, then great.

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

If they don't help much, then it's up to you and your H to enact boundaries and stick by them. Consistency helps with dealing with pwBPD.

Turkish

[sammy1212]

Thank you so much for your insight and response.  It's really what I needed to hear right now.  I read over the boundaries and communications tools and there is a lot that I am doing wrong. 

We live a four hour plane ride away.  So, no there is no meeting in the middle.  Unfortunately.  I constantly feel like I am on the defense with her. I guess I am afraid of being completely direct with her.  My husband tried this on a previous disastrous trip and she made a spectacle of herself and the tension even worse in the house.  Which is why I guess I quickly fell in line with the, just smile and nod. 

Anyway, I probably need to be direct about her coming out here for another visit and give her specific dates or one specific holiday and that is that.  The other thing is she will come out here without her husband, who is really a wonderful man, because she doesn't really care if he gets to see his grandchild or not.  But it puts us an an additionally guilty situation because we actually WANT to see him and will have to plan a special trip around it. 

I feel like now, if I suggested Thanksgiving, she would lose it because that is so far away.  Last year she invited herself out for our daughters birthday and I honestly, just wasn't prepared for it.  I didn't know what to say.  I've actually considered lying to them and telling them I have a 9-5 job where I only get one week of vacation a year. ( a total lie, I am freelance and don't work that often). 

And the sleeping on the floor thing, honestly, that was my idea.  I knew we couldn't put her on the couch.  She took one look at it and I saw the disgust.  But yes, that was a mistake.  I guess I haven't seen how bad her mental state is and she is so over the top nice or appears to be, that I always end up feeling guilty.  Which I know is a reoccuring theme with BPD.

She sends me over the top letters about how I am like a real daughter to her and how close we are.  I don't tell her anything about my life because I know she will only use it against me. I don't even tell her when I see my own mom because the super sweet how wonderful to see your mother are always a bargaining chip when she wants to come out.  When she says all this over the top stuff to me, I say nothing.  I don't respond at all.  It actually enrages me.  But I guess I need to figure out a plan.  I don't want to cut her out of our lives or anything like that.  She is family and my husband is an only child.  We have already had the talk that no matter what happens she can never live with us.

And your right.  For the next visit we need to offer her to stay in a hotel.  We finally got a fold out couch that wasn't good enough for her and she complained about it the whole time. She then tried to some kind of fold up bed for us, my husband refused it. We don't have the room for something like that. 

I know much of this is just rambling.  But thanks for your kind words.  This board is really helpful.

[losthero]

I have personally lied a few times to my BPD mom in order to get out of having to deal with her.  I know that sounds terrible but sometimes you have to do things to preserve your own sanity and maintain peace.