He broke no contact 10 days in.

[misuniadziubek]

I've been doing pretty okay. Giving myself time to heal. Working through the immense pain of withdrawal. We were 10 days in... .and tonight he messaged me.

I realized why I get so upset when I'm mad at you. kind of the only one that understands me... .And so when we're fighting, it's really really hard.

It's when I need you most, but it's even more upsetting because you can't be there.

He told me about dating/sleeping with someone else. And how it has not helped mitigate the pain.

He is scared of losing me. I told him I want to continue the break for another 20 days. Go back to NC.

The conversation left me emotionally numbed. I -want- to comfort him, do whatever. But it's pretty futile.

He said he has signed up for DBT though. So that's cool.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[married21years]

this a hard thing to do good luck i don't have the strength

[mindwise]

You're doing good, continue NC and don't break it until 20 days have passed.

This is the best gift you can give him = structure + example of self respect.

It's great that he starts DBT so he can learn healthier ways to mitigate his pain.

Take care,

MW

[Notwendy]

Mis- good for you for holding on to your boundaries and also your feelings during this. I know you recognized this for what it was= an addiction. Using other people to mitigate one's pain- just like someone would use alcohol or drugs.

You know that people with BPD, as well as co-dependents "use" other people to manage their uncomfortable feelings. However to be emotionally healthy, we need to be able to manage our own feelings. Sure, friends and family can be supportive, but when we use them like drugs- use anger, rage, sex, helping too much, then the relationship is not emotionally healthy.

Your Bf even said it himself:

He said when I get upset ( and we fight)  It's when I need you most,

but it's even more upsetting because you can't be there.


When he gets upset- he needs you. You soothe him. You take care of his bad feelings for him. When you fight, he projects them on you.

He told me about dating/sleeping with someone else. And how it has not helped mitigate the pain.



Sleeping with someone else isn't taking his pain away as well as you did, I guess.


You wanted to comfort him- to take his pain away- but that would be assuming your role in this situation. He  said it well- he wants you back to do what you were doing- but you had enough of that; fighting , projection.

What I think you wish for is a relationship that doesn't involve this. Maybe it will be him with T and you becoming stronger with boundaries, maybe not, but you saw this for what it is: an emotional fix and you held on to yourself and your boundary. When you set a boundary- you can expect it to be tested- then it is up to you to hold it. He may likely test it again- more than once.

[misuniadziubek]

Honestly? I began by upholding my boundaries, but I still spoke to him for too long and now I am completely emotionally hungover this morning.

It just wasn't worth it. I failed to enact proper boundaries on this. I should have ended the conversation instantly. Instead I let myself take the bait. Lesson learned.

I told him, we only have two basics rules:

1) We have no contact, just a check up once a week and

2) we do not talk about the relationship.

And you are breaking them right now. He said that he missed me too much and couldn't help it. To me that isn't a good enough reason.

He is the one who asked for that to be a rule in the first place, so he had some kind of awareness of the consequences.

- He thought that doing things alone would be easier, but it feels worse

- Hooking up doesn't mitigate the pain.  

- Deleted me off Facebook because seeing posts but not having me is painful.

- He wanted to go with my family on vacation at the end of the break. I tell him that this is a terrible way to restart the relationship.  He should have figured this out before asking for a break.

- His worst fears have come into fruition. I seem like a completely different person, that I'm very cold. Fear that he's lost the person he loved. He wants to go back to what we had. I've become distant.

- Scared and wants reassurance. I wasn't willing to give it to him. He kept going on and on about being scared of losing me. That he feels like he is falling off a cliff and he messaged me to find some sort of hope. I told him that he was fine before me, he'll be fine. More about how he wants to be with me.

-That he needed to experience this to realise how much he wants to be with me.

I did tell him at one point, that it is unfair for him to pull me down with him simply because he was experiencing fear about the future of the relationship. He didn't take that very well.

I realised more than ever during this conversation how positively this break is affecting me. I failed here. I see that. Even with being distant, I invested too much. I should not have taken the bait. This might feel good for him, momentarily. But it affects me negatively. I see the fruits of codependency emerge so quickly. And I don't like it. I truly want a healthy relationship with proper boundaries. This is anything but healthy.

It's almost amazing, the lengths he went to, in order to get me to give him even a bite of what he craved.

The cool part in all this is that I've noticed how happy I can be on my own. Still a solid yes on the relationship after the break, but I really think that being myself and living in accordance to my values is crucial to my own mental health. I maintain really strong boundaries with everyone in my life at this point. Each yes is a genuine yes, where I'm willing to help people. Each no is me doing as I feel is necessary, without feelings of guilt or obligation. I wavered with my partner and that left me feeling somehow 'wrong'.

[Notwendy]

This is amazing progress! and it is always progress, not perfection. However, I have seen from your posts that you have grown so much.

Yes, you were lured back into the drug when you went into the discussion too far, but this time, you recognized it. You saw your part in it. You are aware that you feel numb and hungover instead of just feeling numb, bad, and confused. You had clarity.

And you reconfirmed, to yourself, your need for boundaries.

This is a big step!

[an0ught]

Hi misuniadziubek,

Honestly? I began by upholding my boundaries, but I still spoke to him for too long and now I am completely emotionally hungover this morning.

It just wasn't worth it. I failed to enact proper boundaries on this. I should have ended the conversation instantly. Instead I let myself take the bait. Lesson learned.

What sort of b&w nonsense is this? Failed? Maybe not perfect and only very human  .

Cut yourself some slack. Of course you are right and are now suffering the consequences of your weak moments. But please don't have it two ways - you suffer consequences and you beat yourself up hard.

I told him, we only have two basics rules:

1) We have no contact, just a check up once a week and

2) we do not talk about the relationship.

And you are breaking them right now. He said that he missed me too much and couldn't help it. To me that isn't a good enough reason.

He is the one who asked for that to be a rule in the first place, so he had some kind of awareness of the consequences.

- He thought that doing things alone would be easier, but it feels worse

- Hooking up doesn't mitigate the pain.  

- Deleted me off Facebook because seeing posts but not having me is painful.

- He wanted to go with my family on vacation at the end of the break. I tell him that this is a terrible way to restart the relationship.  He should have figured this out before asking for a break.

- His worst fears have come into fruition. I seem like a completely different person, that I'm very cold. Fear that he's lost the person he loved. He wants to go back to what we had. I've become distant.

- Scared and wants reassurance. I wasn't willing to give it to him. He kept going on and on about being scared of losing me. That he feels like he is falling off a cliff and he messaged me to find some sort of hope. I told him that he was fine before me, he'll be fine. More about how he wants to be with me.

-That he needed to experience this to realise how much he wants to be with me.

I did tell him at one point, that it is unfair for him to pull me down with him simply because he was experiencing fear about the future of the relationship. He didn't take that very well.

All excellent stuff  . But you don't have to do all the hard work in all perfection. He is going to start DBT. When it is getting too much of either of you - ease up. Him ignoring the boundary is just a normal extinction burst. It is also him trying to maintain some feeling of connection. All quite normal and very moderate considering the situation.

Being too strict, perfect, judgmental and hard to yourself and him will just strengthen attachment and your focus on the relationship with him. The reason you took his bait likely was in part your need for perfection which led to a much longer communication than you ever intended. Yes be strict but also be cool  .

I realised more than ever during this conversation how positively this break is affecting me. I failed here. I see that. Even with being distant, I invested too much. I should not have taken the bait. This might feel good for him, momentarily. But it affects me negatively. I see the fruits of codependency emerge so quickly. And I don't like it. I truly want a healthy relationship with proper boundaries. This is anything but healthy.

It's almost amazing, the lengths he went to, in order to get me to give him even a bite of what he craved.

The cool part in all this is that I've noticed how happy I can be on my own. Still a solid yes on the relationship after the break, but I really think that being myself and living in accordance to my values is crucial to my own mental health. I maintain really strong boundaries with everyone in my life at this point. Each yes is a genuine yes, where I'm willing to help people. Each no is me doing as I feel is necessary, without feelings of guilt or obligation. I wavered with my partner and that left me feeling somehow 'wrong'.

Let's summarize: You realize that you are seeing amazing changes in yourself and him. And you also failed.

Maybe this is dialectical thinking on your side but in my eyes you discount your progress  .

You are doing well, keep going 

[misuniadziubek]

What sort of b&w nonsense is this? Failed? Maybe not perfect and only very human  .

Cut yourself some slack. Of course you are right and are now suffering the consequences of your weak moments. But please don't have it two ways - you suffer consequences and you beat yourself up hard.

Yeah, I know I am being too hard on myself and notwendy's comment on my 'progress' did in fact make me realise that I was discounting how far I have come.

It didn't feel like I 'failed' until this morning when I woke up and realised how negatively the conversation affected me. Going to bed, it didn't feel so bad. I am a lot harder on myself and more dysphoric in the morning, so that could explain it. It's something to do with my long history of depression methinks.

It doesn't have to be perfect, honestly. But it's really important that I not put myself in an uncomfortable place just to appease someone else. I have a long history of doing things like that. And I did that last night at one point. And that sucks. Because he doesn't have to deal with the consequences like I do.

I've learned a great amount of healthy coping skills in the past year and with it, an impending fear of that progress being erased if I screw up. That's why I feel the need to strictly uphold certain rules and boundaries. Because it is in some way reassuring me that I'm still going in the right direction. With time these do loosen up as I figure out just where my comfort level is.

It's kind of like trying to attain perfection in a habit so that when push comes to shove, it's a reflex and you don't care any more if it's perfect or not.

This is amazing progress! and it is always progress, not perfection. However, I have seen from your posts that you have grown so much.

Yes, you were lured back into the drug when you went into the discussion too far, but this time, you recognized it. You saw your part in it. You are aware that you feel numb and hungover instead of just feeling numb, bad, and confused. You had clarity.

And you reconfirmed, to yourself, your need for boundaries.

This is a big step!

You are right. I don't feel bad and confused. I know what happened and I learned from it.

It's a balancing game. And lately I don't fall over as often as I used to.

[married21years]

i would defiantly take all this as positives gl 

[Notwendy]

Yes, it is great progress. !