Need advice on co-parenting with BPD parent

[Patient]

I think my wife has BPD and I have a 30 month old son. Its at times difficult for my son to make sense of her rage and anger.

Can you suggest some resources or ways to deal with this?

[livednlearned]

Hi Patient,

I like your avatar name -- it's a much-needed quality when dealing with a BPD co-parent! Welcome to the site, I'm glad you found it and are looking for support. These are difficult relationships and having key information can make a big difference in raising an emotionally resilient child when the other parent has BPD.

While there are quite a few members here who are divorced from the BPD parent, so not all of the Lesson to the right in the sidebar will apply. However, Lesson 5 (Raising Resilient Kids When A Parent Has BPD) is right up your alley.

The key is validation. This is by far the most important skill you can possibly learn, and it's great that you are finding this now when your son is 3. People with BPD have higher than average needs for validation, and oftentimes, those of us married to BPD partners have high needs for validation too (because our partners cannot provide this). That means ours kids are more susceptible than normal to feel invalidated, and this can lead to serious problems as they get older.

If your wife rages at your son and he is sad, it is appropriate to take him aside and ask him if he is feeling sad, and to validate how he feels. If he felt scared, it's important to validate that he felt scared. Our instinct is to say, "Your mom loves you, she had a bad day, etc." That teaches the child that abuse and love are tied together, and then he was wrong to feel scared, he should've felt love, when in fact it is difficult to feel loved when someone is raging at us.

I hope this makes sense. It's a very simple concept with profound implications, and it can take a lot of practice to get it right.

Does your son have a strong bond with you? When his mom is raging at him, what does he do?