Very hard today to resist breaking NC

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi All,

I have posted before but here's a quick summary. I am 35 days LC after a 7 mo relationship with my uBPDexgf which I had to leave. I had basically wasted away to nothing. I cannot go full NC because we work together. She has made it a point to come to my part of the building A LOT since the bu.  So far I haven't made eye contact unless we have business to do and I have remained very professional and unemotional.  My perception has been that she has been coming down to act like nothing has happened and she's just so happy without me.

Last Tuesday i saw her at a retirement party and she said hi to me for the first time.  I was polite nothing special.  As I left the party we made eye contact one more time and she looked soo sad and broken.  I had not seen that look since the bu.

About a day later I got a notification email that she had paid her gas bill. I forgot I had set myself up to get those.  I forwarded it to her and told her sorry I forgot to take myself off.  She replied no problem, and "Hope you are doing well!".  So I westled with the idea of replying back and thought no, let me run it by my T the next day.  Now my mind goes back to the I think I can help her. Maybe this can work. I even posted on the staying board for advice and was basically told to move on.  I knew what was happening but it is so hard to resist. So I had a sleepless night and at 345am I caved and emailed back " Hey thanks, right back at you!"

Friday she came in with a new hair style, spray tanned, etc. Looks great.  And she is starting to talk other than business.  "Hey I like that shirt" as she points and almost touches my chest.  She is walking around the office getting lots of attention on her new look and saying "Yep, I'm a new person". We met later in the hall and she flashed me a smile/laugh.  Last contact was her walking by my office. I just stared at my desk. I've got to admit the attention felt pretty good but my guard is up high.

So last night was my first night all alone in my new apt. I had been with relatives before until I found one.  Today it is so hard not to contact her. I am all alone and miss the excitement of being together even though a lot was bad excitement. And like everyone else has felt, I love her and want to help.  I just want to say how are you but know that could blow up into more.

I have read post after post, article after arrive, almost to an obsession. So I have great knowledge.

What would really help me is some encouragement. Even slaps in the face are welcome. I feel like I should not be feeling this so strong when I know what is happening.  I was doing pretty good before this.

Thanks so much.

[simpleman]

Hi All,

I have posted before but here's a quick summary. I am 35 days LC after a 7 mo relationship with my uBPDexgf which I had to leave. I had basically wasted away to nothing. I cannot go full NC because we work together. She has made it a point to come to my part of the building A LOT since the bu.  So far I haven't made eye contact unless we have business to do and I have remained very professional and unemotional.  My perception has been that she has been coming down to act like nothing has happened and she's just so happy without me.

Last Tuesday i saw her at a retirement party and she said hi to me for the first time.  I was polite nothing special.  As I left the party we made eye contact one more time and she looked soo sad and broken.  I had not seen that look since the bu.

About a day later I got a notification email that she had paid her gas bill. I forgot I had set myself up to get those.  I forwarded it to her and told her sorry I forgot to take myself off.  She replied no problem, and "Hope you are doing well!".  So I westled with the idea of replying back and thought no, let me run it by my T the next day.  Now my mind goes back to the I think I can help her. Maybe this can work. I even posted on the staying board for advice and was basically told to move on.  I knew what was happening but it is so hard to resist. So I had a sleepless night and at 345am I caved and emailed back " Hey thanks, right back at you!"

Friday she came in with a new hair style, spray tanned, etc. Looks great.  And she is starting to talk other than business.  "Hey I like that shirt" as she points and almost touches my chest.  She is walking around the office getting lots of attention on her new look and saying "Yep, I'm a new person". We met later in the hall and she flashed me a smile/laugh.  Last contact was her walking by my office. I just stared at my desk. I've got to admit the attention felt pretty good but my guard is up high.

So last night was my first night all alone in my new apt. I had been with relatives before until I found one.  Today it is so hard not to contact her. I am all alone and miss the excitement of being together even though a lot was bad excitement. And like everyone else has felt, I love her and want to help.  I just want to say how are you but know that could blow up into more.

I have read post after post, article after arrive, almost to an obsession. So I have great knowledge.

What would really help me is some encouragement. Even slaps in the face are welcome. I feel like I should not be feeling this so strong when I know what is happening.  I was doing pretty good before this.

Thanks so much.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Simpleman ,  happy to encourage you!   YOU CAN DO THIS!   STAY THE COURSE!

You have done a great job.   I imagine that LC would be really hard to execute.   Sort of like food addicts vs alcoholics.    Not minimizing the plight of being an alcoholic in recovery but one can live w/o alcohol.   Food addicts,  on the other hand, can't not eat and so have to step in the ring with their substance of choice every single day.   Which sounds like what you've had to do seeing your ex every day.   I count my blessings I have the NC option.   I am impressed with your success.   

You weren't doing just "pretty good."  You are kicking serious butt!  And you still are.   The fact that you feel tempted doesn't mean you are doing poorly.   It just means you are tempted.   Those waves will inevitably come.   It is just a wave so ride it out.   Do not reach out.

The other noteworthy thing is that this is not coincidental.   You are alone in your new apt.   This means you feel lonely.   So the desire to reach out shows up.   But this is borne of your natural and normal loneliness... . Not borne of a legitimate desire to restart this relationship.  Not borne of your best self.   This is the self afraid of being alone wanting to escape itself in a comfortable,  familiar but unhealthy way.   

Remember THIS context.   Know that your (our) addicted,   fear-based self will come up with ANY reason to reconnect.   Which is not to be trusted.   This is not the time to let your fears steer the ship.   Not the time to let the Fantasy take over. 

STAY THE COURSE. At least  ANOTHER 60 DAYS in your new apt.  Get used to your new place.   Stay with yourself here.   THIS is the gift of this moment:  to hold onto YOU in the midst of the pain and the loneliness.   For you to not abandon you.   That is the gift.  That is the healing.  For you to take care of you.   For you to CHOOSE not to run to someone else who will do the exact opposite of taking care of you.   This is the growth edge for you.   For all of us.   

Not sure if this is the encouragement you were hoping for but it is the exact conversation I have been having with myself since Dec.   I am staying the course with you.  So many of us here are too.    You are not alone.  We are with you.   

You are fighting the good fight.   The best fight.   The fight for YOU!

   

[Suzn]

Working with a new ex is a difficult place to be.    You sound as though you are doing well with this otherwise.

She is walking around the office getting lots of attention on her new look and saying "Yep, I'm a new person".

She is still the same person. New hairdo, new tan, new clothes, doesn't change what's on the inside.

So last night was my first night all alone in my new apt. I had been with relatives before until I found one.  Today it is so hard not to contact her. I am all alone and miss the excitement of being together even though a lot was bad excitement. And like everyone else has felt, I love her and want to help.  I just want to say how are you but know that could blow up into more.

Would it be fair to say you are wanting to help yourself not feel so alone? A new apartment is an adventure if we feel secure in our time alone. What do you think simpleman?

[simpleman]

ReclaimingMyLife, and Suzn, thanks so much!  Very helpful.

I'm sure you are both right it is the experience of being alone that terrifies me. I'm 48 and have never really been alone like this. As I'm trying to focus more on myself I am starting to look at my end of the relationship. I assume the loneliness has to do with codependency?  I want to make the most of this alone time to better myself. Do you know of any good resources to help me deal with the loneliness/codependency challenges I have?

Thanks again.

[Suzn]

Moving is one of the top 5 situations that can cause anxiety. It doesn't help that you see your ex everyday at work. You're doing a great job simpleman.  

Have you looked over the lessons to the top right of your screen? ---->

These are very helpful to explore while you are settling into your new home and looking for ways to fill your time.

Also, if you are into books Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More" was an eye opening read for me. We have a number of great reads in the book review section here too: Book Reviews

[ReclaimingMyLife]

How you doing, simpleman?  Hoping you are getting through the day... .be it poorly or easily, any day of NC is a success!  There have been times in my life I thought I might have to eat my hand off to keep from picking up the phone.  Those were hard days but were probably even more of a success than the easy days (though much less pleasant, to be sure!). 

Just checking back in with some the requested encouragement

[simpleman]

Suzn, thanks for the recommendations. I bought the book.

ReclaimingMyLife, thanks so much for the check-in.  This afternoon was rough but I made it through.  Went and spent 2 hrs at Walmart buying food and supplies for the new apt.  So for that time I was definitely not alone. 

Thank you both again for the support. I wonder how tomorrow will go at work.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Good job, simpleman, very good job! 

I had a chuckle at myself tonight which I thought you might appreciate.  Because of the way my r/s ended, I had a security system installed.  It was set up to send me a text message every time the system is armed or disarmed.  Intially, I thought that would be annoying.  But, honestly, in the early days of NC, after having received scads of txt messages from my UxBPDbf, getting those automated text messages from my alarm company made me feel just a little bit less alone in the world.  They were like little reminders that I still existed and were pretty darn helpful.  Though it seemed silly it was true!  So, in the beginning when NC can be so freakin hard, take advantage of the little things that help along the way and know you are not alone.

 

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I wonder how tomorrow will go at work.

You know what to do.  You've been doing it.  Remind yourself of your many successes and just go back to it! 

[Inside]

... .little to add, other than how impressed I am with all these posts and posters…  Wow, I’ve hope for the future. 

Simpleman, you are obviously not alone!

Inside

[simpleman]

Great to hear Inside!  I don't know what I would do without the support of everyone here.  That and my T have really helped me get to a place where most days I feel like I can survive this.  When I compare that to 4 weeks ago when I was laying on the floor crying and wanting to die, I am grateful.

ReclaimingMyLife, I can identify with the text messages.  I used to get constant emails/texts when we were together.  I miss that until my mind goes to where they were filled with rage and the intense stress I felt watching for new messages and anticipating what they might say.  I honestly don't know how I got any work done.

Today she has been down to my area a couple times.  Pretty quiet and no eye contact.  Today is the day of her divorce hearing.  Our plan was to set a wedding date at the end of the 6 month wait.  That has to be hard.

Take care all.