Feels like I'm panicking

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi

It's two months since he out of the blue needed "time for himself" to "find himself again" after being too close to me on my premises; "it is if you are in my cells, everywhere".

It's 7 weeks since his angry emails, suddenly it seemed like he hated me, I couldn't believe it, not to understand, I ended up reading about defense mechanisms, and then I found Borderline.  And started reading about that for the first time in my life.

I've read a lot. I understand new things every day.

We have had very little contact for the last two months (a shift from intense contact every day ; which also was "his need", but I also enjoyed.)

It's 17 days since I last saw him, spoke to him. When he visited, a nice and positive couple of days, but it ended with us exchanging belongings and housekeys. And saying "I love you". Then he left.

it's 10 days since I wrote him an email and stated my needs clearly (nothing special, you know, for instance the need to have a life outside the relationship either alone with myself or social with my friends without being seen as a bad partner for doing so). I was conducting a bit of rational research there; what will happen if I talk about my healthy and normal needs?

It's 10 days since he responded that evening with a text saying that this will be too much a struggle. (A bit of blaming me of course) and he said that he set himself free, he set me free. We were now free.

I sent him a short reply, agreeing.

Since then, I have sort of went No Contact. Without telling him. Guess not textbook example to follow... . I don't know, I think it's a strategy for coping, sort of.

He has sent me some text, which had me confused: Doesn't he know we have broken up? Hmm... . do I have to say the words: "We are over"? Neither of us have. I tried to write to of those mails this weekend, almost impossible to write those words. Cried my heart out. The mails are still in my drafts-folder.

Tomorrow is our "anniversary". 2 years since we met. Our day. Sure it triggers me. I almost feel like panicking here. I've stayed home, away from job 2-3 days last week, cause I started to cry all of a sudden, it just came over me. Normally I have a good control over these things. I do my crying alone. Was at work today, but hardly could concentrate. Feel like crying all the time.

In my head there is this rational understanding: We are over. I can't continue this relationship. It wasn't what I thought it was. He is undiagnosed (as far as I know... . in retrospect I wonder if he have given me some hints the last 2-3 months, but I guess this could be my twisted thinking). I do think he has the core issues, the traits. Quiet, high-functioning type. The issues concerned us, it all was between the two of us.

My rationality get a grip at understanding that we have no future, but the Department in my head for Future Dreams? Oh boy, it's fully loaded, I don't know where to start? My heart? It is so full of him. I genuinely like his style, his way of life, his values, the type he is. He has been tremendously good to me and my kids. He is the closest I've ever gotten to the man in my dreams.

... . and all this confusing matters of mirroring - was it only me all along? Finally I met another person with the same complexety of mind, same difficulties and strenghts as myself. I do think we are similar in so many respects, the major difference being I'm quite good at regulating my emotions, doing the cognitive work to keep control over my own skeptic and negative thoughts (about myself). (And presumably: He is ill and I am not. OR? Sometimes I get confused even here, deep down I can relate to, on a personal level, many of the same feelings which are at play here... . the shame, the self-loathing, the feeling of not being worthy to good things... . I thank my strong rationality for being sane!)

It feels like the rational part of my head has gone through the gate, over till the other side, where the relationship is over, and there does not exist an us anymore. The rest of my head, where all the good memories and all the dreams of our future, it's standing at the gate, but holding the fence, it will not let go! And then, the feelings... . playing our in the field with our love and affection, the good-times. I grieve his loss, because it is such a loss: We have had a very good time together.

I really don't know how to cope right now. I have some good hours in between. Focusing on my self and the joys of life. Went swimming yesterday, that felt good. I enjoy the  presence and love surrounding my kids. Told my mother All about it. yesterd´´ That was good, I felt relieved and calm. But woke up today with a pain in my chest and tears in my eyes, and the pressure building. I feel both that I let him down and he definitively has let me down! I am so hurt, and know he is hurting as well. I feel sorry for him for living in this "emotional prison", I feel sorry for my kids for loosing a father figure they miss and love, I feel sorry for myself for losing - or never having - the love of my life.

It's such a mess and I don't know the next step, I don't know how to cope through this kind of loss and grief.

Any thoughts and comments, I'd really appreciate it.

[Indiegrl]

Hi

It's two months since he out of the blue needed "time for himself" to "find himself again" after being too close to me on my premises; "it is if you are in my cells, everywhere".

It's 7 weeks since his angry emails, suddenly it seemed like he hated me, I couldn't believe it, not to understand, I ended up reading about defense mechanisms, and then I found Borderline.  And started reading about that for the first time in my life.

I've read a lot. I understand new things every day.

We have had very little contact for the last two months (a shift from intense contact every day ; which also was "his need", but I also enjoyed.)

It's 17 days since I last saw him, spoke to him. When he visited, a nice and positive couple of days, but it ended with us exchanging belongings and housekeys. And saying "I love you". Then he left.

it's 10 days since I wrote him an email and stated my needs clearly (nothing special, you know, for instance the need to have a life outside the relationship either alone with myself or social with my friends without being seen as a bad partner for doing so). I was conducting a bit of rational research there; what will happen if I talk about my healthy and normal needs?

It's 10 days since he responded that evening with a text saying that this will be too much a struggle. (A bit of blaming me of course) and he said that he set himself free, he set me free. We were now free.

I sent him a short reply, agreeing.

Since then, I have sort of went No Contact. Without telling him. Guess not textbook example to follow... . I don't know, I think it's a strategy for coping, sort of.

He has sent me some text, which had me confused: Doesn't he know we have broken up? Hmm... . do I have to say the words: "We are over"? Neither of us have. I tried to write to of those mails this weekend, almost impossible to write those words. Cried my heart out. The mails are still in my drafts-folder.

Tomorrow is our "anniversary". 2 years since we met. Our day. Sure it triggers me. I almost feel like panicking here. I've stayed home, away from job 2-3 days last week, cause I started to cry all of a sudden, it just came over me. Normally I have a good control over these things. I do my crying alone. Was at work today, but hardly could concentrate. Feel like crying all the time.

In my head there is this rational understanding: We are over. I can't continue this relationship. It wasn't what I thought it was. He is undiagnosed (as far as I know... . in retrospect I wonder if he have given me some hints the last 2-3 months, but I guess this could be my twisted thinking). I do think he has the core issues, the traits. Quiet, high-functioning type. The issues concerned us, it all was between the two of us.

My rationality get a grip at understanding that we have no future, but the Department in my head for Future Dreams? Oh boy, it's fully loaded, I don't know where to start? My heart? It is so full of him. I genuinely like his style, his way of life, his values, the type he is. He has been tremendously good to me and my kids. He is the closest I've ever gotten to the man in my dreams.

... . and all this confusing matters of mirroring - was it only me all along? Finally I met another person with the same complexety of mind, same difficulties and strenghts as myself. I do think we are similar in so many respects, the major difference being I'm quite good at regulating my emotions, doing the cognitive work to keep control over my own skeptic and negative thoughts (about myself). (And presumably: He is ill and I am not. OR? Sometimes I get confused even here, deep down I can relate to, on a personal level, many of the same feelings which are at play here... . the shame, the self-loathing, the feeling of not being worthy to good things... . I thank my strong rationality for being sane!)

It feels like the rational part of my head has gone through the gate, over till the other side, where the relationship is over, and there does not exist an us anymore. The rest of my head, where all the good memories and all the dreams of our future, it's standing at the gate, but holding the fence, it will not let go! And then, the feelings... . playing our in the field with our love and affection, the good-times. I grieve his loss, because it is such a loss: We have had a very good time together.

I really don't know how to cope right now. I have some good hours in between. Focusing on my self and the joys of life. Went swimming yesterday, that felt good. I enjoy the  presence and love surrounding my kids. Told my mother All about it. yesterd´´ That was good, I felt relieved and calm. But woke up today with a pain in my chest and tears in my eyes, and the pressure building. I feel both that I let him down and he definitively has let me down! I am so hurt, and know he is hurting as well. I feel sorry for him for living in this "emotional prison", I feel sorry for my kids for loosing a father figure they miss and love, I feel sorry for myself for losing - or never having - the love of my life.

It's such a mess and I don't know the next step, I don't know how to cope through this kind of loss and grief.

Any thoughts and comments, I'd really appreciate it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Indie, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  The best thing you can do right now, in my view, is to take good care of yourself.  Focus on your needs and what works for you and what doesn't.  Pay attention to your feelings.  Swimming, spending time w/your kids, talking to your Mom -- all are positive steps.  No, you didn't "let him down."  You didn't cause him to get BPD and you can't cure it.  Now is the time to figure out why you ever got into a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place.  Focus on yourself.  View the b/u as an opportunity for growth, which it is.

LuckyJim

[Indiegrl]

Lucky Jim,

thank you for the reply. It's crystal clear for me why I got so involved in the relation with him: The deep deep voids in myself, my life-long longing for exactly that type of intense togetherness. So I have a lot of new lessons to learn, for sure. I've startet my journey, but it feels impossible to "stay on track" of it 24/7, there are other things at play here that seem to demand my attention... . for instance... . understanding what the f... . happened, really? OR: Grieving the loss. And what will I say to my children? All these things... . there is so much to figure out, so much to "digest", so much to... . get under control... . *sigh*

[Mister Brightside]

I've started my journey, but it feels impossible to "stay on track" of it 24/7, there are other things at play here that seem to demand my attention... . for instance... . understanding what the f... . happened, really? OR: Grieving the loss. And what will I say to my children? All these things... . there is so much to figure out, so much to "digest", so much to... . get under control... . *sigh*

As much as no contact hurts (no more potential highs from this drug we were accustomed to), that's one of the reasons it's preached because it gives us a chance to figure things out. It's impossible to gain our composure with the crazy maker still in our lives, toxifying our minds with their manipulations and games. It's okay if you don't stay on track 24/7. There aren't many of us here who are able to do that. I'm on about day 32 of no contact and still having severe struggles, but I know I'd only be delaying the process if contact were still happening.

[Mutt]

The deep deep voids in myself, my life-long longing for exactly that type of intense togetherness. So I have a lot of new lessons to learn, for sure.

Hi Indiegrl,

I'm sorry your going through this.

17 days of no contact is not a long time. Having a post mortem  is a good idea and it takes time to figure out what happened.

Have you read this article?

PERSPECTIVES: From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle

It touches on how partners sooth life long emotional pains in the r/s.

Does that sound familiar?

Do you have a T?

[Indiegrl]

Mutt

I'm stunned. I've read so much on these sites, but not that one! And THANK YOU, that was one amazing read (first page only):

I am an understanding-driven lonely child!Exactly as described by 2010. And yes, that description fits my relationship and the dynamics too. To the point. I am stunned.

I have a T, but for another purpose (kids, divorce 5 years ago). But I'm in the process of locating another one.

THANKS for handing me that text and words of wisdom. Wow.

[Mutt]

Yes I also felt 2010's post on the r/s dynamic insightful and it felt like I experienced the same thing.

I found the early stages of detaching difficult and grieving hard. I went through a traumatic experience and couldn't make sense of my exe's behaviors and wondered what the heck happened. I often read articles here to make sense and it made me feel a little better in those hard moments. I hope that helps.


Hang in there.


----Mutt

[sbr1050]

Hi Indiegirl,

Your post could have been written by me... .I understand everything you wrote because I went and/or am going thru exactly the same thing. 

My uBPDexbf stormed out in December. We had been together for 18 years.  I am 46.   I was fine for 3 months and then, BOOM, it hit me!  A lot had to do with the fact he rebounded with a 23 year old (he is 62) and at the same time he became a grandfather and that hit me hard because he and I had talked of having a child together.  It just all hit me at once.  Add to that, we both live in a small town and are both active in the horse world (which is very small, and tight-knit).  I hear things from others and see him around town.  It makes healing very hard.   I went thru the panicking episodes too - I am hoping I am past that but not sure.

I don't have any advice for you but hang in there!

[Indiegrl]

Mr Brightside:

Thank you for posting. I do not think it's difficult to stay NC at this time, I do it now because it is easier. But I struggle to keep focus on "me" and what I can do to push forward. It's like a bouncing ball, popping here and there. I gain some relief, and then, bamm, I hit the floor and think about our "never dieing love". Yeah, right. He stills love me, I know that. But the problem is: He "hates" me as well. He admits looking down at me - and he looks up to me. Those are tricky things to process, it's hard to grasp... . and I use the belief that he has BPD-traits in order do believe it... . otherwise, I wouldn't be able to, I think.

sbr1050

Oh, that was a bad and hurtful rebound. I feel for you. I am lucky in the sense that I have a stable and independent life in another city than my ex. Our relationships took mostly place in my house. But it is  my house, and was for a long time before he entered my life.

Maybe I should get past my illusions over not getting replaced soon... . And as I think that, my next thought is: If he doesn't get a replacement too fast, is that a sign of him not being affected by BPD-traits?

Well... . I feel better today than I've been for more than a week. Thanks to reading the incredible post about the understanding-driven lonely child (see link in one of Mutts replies). I have known for a long time that this is "what I do" (understanding others is my thing) and "who I am" (a lonely and self-suffiecent lonelychild). But I didn't understand it in terms of relationship dynamics.

I guess I feel like panicking when the load of not understanding is growing over my head. It's my primary way of self-soothing, to think, analyze, understanding things better. Hence my addiction to writing my own feelings. In order to gain perspective; to be more on top of things in stead of being "blind and fumbling" without understanding what's happening... .

I'm hanging in there. Just at this momen I feel like I own this day. It's MY day, it's MY history.

[Indiegrl]

A little update on my behalf.

Two days ago I sent him a very long email telling all about my position. The short version is: I believe that none of us is capable of covering the others's needs. I can't cover his needs for "security" (which I've come to think of rather as a question of control), and he can't cover my needs for personal space and freedom (just the ordinary stuff of having a personal and social life outside the relationship).

I obviously say nothing about borderline. I kind of tried to do some SET, but hmmm... .anyway... .I had been writing on that email for like 10 days. But had to "owe" it before I sent it. Because it is sort of a farewell mail. I didn't bring myself to say: It is over and I don't want to see you again. But I did state that our needs are too far apart, and that the both of us know that we cannot cover the needs of the other, and that at this point I do not think that we are able to "solve" this "problem" either. Cause it's really not a "problem", it's a difference too big to be handled. And since the only person one can change is oneself... .

I told him that in these last two months were we have been separated (cause he needed to), he has been constantly critizising me, and that I haven't seen any sign of him reflecting upon his own contribution to the state of our relationship. That the constant critique and accusations and angriness with me drives me away. That he seems to blame me for the entire situation. That my impression is that all he tries to do - desperately - is to get me to change so that we can continue. Understandingly, cause I've tried to change him as well. But it simply does not work.

I admitted to him that I see how my reactions and actions haven't helped, on the contrary, and that I am truly sorry for that. I wrote that I now see my own part in the two of us creating an unhealthy relationship.

It was a very long mail, very firm, but also without aggression or blaming in any kind. I ended the mail by letting him know that I think he has extreme positive qualities, and that I know he has given me  and my kids the most valueable thing on earth; He has given us his love, and that gift we will carry with in our hearts and souls forever. I sincerly mean that.

Okey, I reached this point where I was able to push through... .I have been clever and distancing myself, rationally analyzing everything, facing the facts.

But now... .the next phase. The rest of my life without him. Again... .it feels like panicking... .Okey... .I know... .one small step at the time. Step by step. Continue.

This is the most emotional journey ever. Feels like I am all over the place, jumping back and forth over the different stages of grieving, the different stages of detachment. Surely no linear process!

I struggle with the feelings of letting him down. Letting US down. I feel guilty, feel bad for betraying our everlasting love. Even though he critizised me, blamed me, wanted to change me, punished me (emotionally), withdrew - I'm still in the belief that he in odd ways felt he could be so aggressive and complaing BECAUSE we were ment to be together forever. As if "that what one does with the chosen ones" - you cannot behave like that - being so honest and direct about your negative feelings towards anyone else. There's no place like home, right?

I've said to him from the beginning: I have done enough quarreling in my life. I don't want to do it anymore. I am quite good at it, have a natural "talent" for verbal fighting... .but it's soo destructive. Let's talk about anything, but in constructive ways. It's fine to be angry, negative feelings ARE allowed. But he never seemed to "get" this position, as if he either didn't understand it nor respected it.

Well, got to get to work. Just needed to vent. I think "the rest of my life without him" is a little too big a challenge right now. Any reading tips? Thanx.

[Lucky Jim]

I struggle with the feelings of letting him down. Letting US down. I feel guilty, feel bad for betraying our everlasting love. Even though he critizised me, blamed me, wanted to change me, punished me (emotionally),

Hello again, Indie, Those w/BPD are good at shifting the blame, which can cause you to feel responsible or guilty for the b/u, when in fact the behavior of the pwBPD is often the last straw.  I understand your grief over the loss of the r/s, yet I would suggest that your feelings of guilt may be misplaced.  You didn't let anyone down.  You didn't cause him to get BPD.  You didn't do anything wrong.  So don't beat yourself up!  Now is the time to be kind and loving towards yourself, with self-compassion.

LuckyJim